Beautifully Bound

[DJesters]

Those luscious, golden locks on high
Like water drops fall from the sky
And dare to snare a prideful beast,
For such tendrils is no feat.

Sweet to touch and soft to feel;
One has never felt so real
But suddenly they sway away,
A river's peace I still remain.

Until the surface, struck by rock,
Sends ripples down upon my heart
Will these vines let loose of me,
And leave my soul to wander free.

[89layers]

Hi DJ,

This is a pretty poem.

I'm confused about the relevance of these lines "And dare to snare a prideful beast,
For such tendrils is no feat."

I understand it to mean that the (woman's?) beauty enraptures her admirers, but what do the tendrils refer to? Her hair? I don't know that it makes sense to me, but it might just be a lack of comprehension on my part. Also, how do the "vines" tie into the poem? Where did the vines come from?

I think the last line should be "wander..."

Very pretty, easy read, kind of reminds me of Shakespearian era poetry. The kind of poetry that speaks of unrequited love.

I would like to feel a little more inspired though. But I haven't ever studied poetry formally. I plan to do so soon. Hopefully it will add value to my critiques.

Best to you!

[DJesters]

Hi DJ,

This is a pretty poem.

I'm confused about the relevance of these lines "And dare to snare a prideful beast,
For such tendrils is no feat."

I understand it to mean that the (woman's?) beauty enraptures her admirers, but what do the tendrils refer to? Her hair?  I don't know that it makes sense to me, but it might just be a lack of comprehension on my part.  Also, how do the "vines" tie into the poem?  Where did the vines come from?

I think the last line should be "wander..."

Very pretty, easy read, kind of reminds me of Shakespearian era poetry.  The kind of poetry that speaks of unrequited love.  

I would like to feel a little more inspired though.  But I haven't ever studied poetry formally.  I plan to do so soon.  Hopefully it will add value to my critiques.

Best to you!

Hi 89! Thank you so much for taking a look at my poem! It means so much for someone to take the time to read and comment on something I created.
In regards to your comments, the "prideful beast" refers to the man the woman is trying to make fall in love with her and she attempts to do this with her looks, which is where "For such tendrils is no feat" comes in; she is so beautiful that it's easy for her to make anyone fall in love with her. I attempted to connect the woman's overall beauty to her hair, and then to "tendrils" and "vines" but I admit it might need some clarification on my part. Again, the vines were an attempt to symbolize the woman's beauty and the restraint it put on the man until another woman comes along and frees him from this captivity. You are absolutely right about wander vs. wonder though. Oops! As of now, I am taking a British Literature class at the college I attend and we are currently studying William Blake. I highly recommend his works to you as a start to your study of poetry.

[89layers]

With your clarification, I read it again, and actually enjoyed it much better even.  I am excited to see what critiques others have.  A lot of people offer some really good feedback!

Thanks for the suggestion.  I will look into his work!

[homer1950]

Hi DJester,

Very enjoyable Poem thanks for the read. Some minor thoughts for your consideration

Thanks, Homer

Those luscious, golden locks on high
Like water drops fall from the sky------Long vine like hair probably wouldn't feel like rain falling- luscious feels thick -full

And dare to snare a prideful beast,
For such tendrils is no feat.

Sweet to touch, and soft to feel;
One has never felt so real -------- This line feels a little forced for the sake of rhyming 
But suddenly they sway away,
A river's peace I still remain.

Until the surface, struck by rock,
Sends ripples down upon my heart
Will these vines let loose of me,
And leave my soul to wander free.

[HaleINthewind]

Those luscious, golden locks on high  ( I am not sure I get the use of on high, Is there something better to fit into the rhyme here)
Like water drops fall from the sky
And dare to snare a prideful beast,
For such tendrils is no feat. ( I think you could re word this to make it more effective. I saw your eplanation of what that means and i kind of get it but its a bit cloudy)

Sweet to touch and soft to feel; ( is this referring to the tendrils?)
One has never felt so real 
But suddenly they sway away,
A river's peace I still remain.   ( I may be missing something but seeing as rivers move but you "still Remain" I am not sure this is effective imagery ( although rivers are peacfull-sometimes)

Until the surface, struck by rock,
Sends ripples down upon my heart
Will these vines let loose of me,
And leave my soul to wander free.

 
Hey there, despite me not really understanding your poem (i sometimes get lost easy) it was still enjoyable to read. I agree with the comment that locks of hair wouldn't feel like rain falling from the sky. If you want to use vine later on in the poem to refer to her hair , maybe you could throw in a vine imagery metaphor or simile instead of rain. I think that may help with clarity and tie it all together more. Also, If you were to decide to ditch "on high" for something else it would be easier with a new second line. Also I was curious about your decision to reverse the rhyme scheme in the last stanza. In all other stanzas you rhyme the first two lines but in the last one it is the last two, just wondering your reasoning if it was for effect? Thank you for sharing your poem, and letting strangers like me practice reading and critiquing! Hope full I offered you some helpful ideas. Looking forward to see where you go with this poem.

[CRNDLSM]

let's see, i think you're referring to someone's hair.
locks, water drops, tendrils, vines?

Those luscious, golden locks on high
Like water drops fall from the sky
And dare to snare a prideful beast,   are you the prideful beast the hair is snaring?
For such tendrils is no feat.                   feat as in achievement?

Sweet to touch and soft to feel;         i don't know sweet as a feeling really unless it's slang
One has never felt so real
But suddenly they sway away,
A river's peace I still remain.              because you're already snared?

Until the surface, struck by rock,               what could the rock be? seems pointless
Sends ripples down upon my heart
Will these vines let loose of me,             so what vines are holding you if it's not hair?
And leave my soul to wander free.          soul wants to wander, it's at peace, i don't know

this is a very dreamy poem, too disjointed and abstract for me to grasp what you're saying.  Figure out what's important about the piece, and try to lead into it, maybe not quite so many symbols

[TSPKNIP]

Hey,
Beautiful poem! here are my comments:

Those luscious, golden locks on high
Like water drops fall from the sky (bit of a cliché, I would use another word than water drops)
And dare to snare a prideful beast,
For such tendrils is no feat.

Sweet to touch and soft to feel;
One has never felt so real (the meter sounds a bit off here, try to add a syllable or two)
But suddenly they sway away,
A river's peace I still remain.

Until the surface, struck by rock,
Sends ripples down upon my heart
Will these vines let loose of me,
And leave my soul to wander free.

But seriously, very well written!
Love,

[Franco2o9]

A lovely poem but "Until the surface, Struck by rock" doesn't sit right with the next line to me

[newmystic]

Those luscious, golden locks on high
Like water drops fall from the sky
And dare to snare a prideful beast,
For such tendrils is no feat.

Sweet to touch and soft to feel;
One has never felt so real
But suddenly they sway away,
A river's peace I still remain.

Until the surface, struck by rock,
Sends ripples down upon my heart
Will these vines let loose of me,
And leave my soul to wander free.

I LOVE the first stanza. it's very strong. it reminds me of Red Riding Hood (golden locks) confronting the Wolf (beast). it's very haunting and Grimm-like. also similar to Beauty and the Beast. however, the enchantment gets lost in the next two stanzas. gone is the gothic feel and it feels more like a standard poem.

maybe go back to that image in the first stanza as a controlling symbol. see if you can convey the same intensity in the following two stanzas. do you want the reader to feel haunted, or to read something pleasant. haunting is better in my opinion.
you might add a darker tone to the second two stanzas to tie it in with the beast reference in the first.

Matthew

[mitsuch]

Those luscious, golden locks on high
Like water drops fall from the sky
And dare to snare a prideful beast, - Now with this line I can see why you would refer to a "beast" as it is quite a classic reference, however I believe in the scenario of                                                           your poem, using a beast as a metaphor doesnt quite do the trick as instead of it showing sympathy towards the man it shows a                                                               kind of evil vibe which is contradictory to your use of "vines" and "tendrils" and your reference to restraints through looks etc. I                                                               would suggest changing the wording there. Restraining use of metaphor is sometimes the better way to go.
For such tendrils is no feat.

Sweet to touch and soft to feel;
One has never felt so real I feel like this line takes away from the poem, it breaks the flow and is quite vague as to what its referring to, the hair or love or what
But suddenly they sway away,
A river's peace I still remain.

Until the surface, struck by rock,
Sends ripples down upon my heart
Will these vines let loose of me,
And leave my soul to wander free.

First, I'd just like to say that even if you are writing a poem that is formatted in a somewhat archaic manner(this is not meant to be detrimental), by which I mean that its written in a phrasing resembling medieval poetry, it is ABSOLUTELY not a necessity to caps every line. Its an archaic formatting that was related to typesetting. Schools and all use similar poems so it is seems as though it is a necessity/the right thing to do however it makes it confusing for the reader and kills the punctuation. That would be something worth editing out.

Overall, Ive mentioned some things that I did not enjoy in the poem as mentioned in the quote above, however overall it was a decent experience and pleasant to read. i agree with the criticisms of CRNDLSM, his advice and questions regarding wording are very pertinent.
I hope I helped.

[Mark Cecil]

I like how you paralleled the beauty of the woman to nature you created some nice imagery I would keep the "golden locks on high" as it suggests the woman is tall which makes her more attractive to those around her. The more I read this the more I get it and the more it grows on me but it took a while initially to understand it. Stanza 3 doesn't naturally break from stanza 2 it feels as if they need to be together to understand the poem better. You might want to consider having the poem as all one stanza or editing the first line of stanza 3: "Until the surface, struck by rock," as you could interpret to mean the woman is hit by the rock rather than the peace of the man but I suppose poems can have multiple meanings and be open to interpretation.

[kolemath]

the title sounds like some kinky s&m

Those luscious, golden locks on high
Like water drops fall from the sky
And dare to snare a prideful beast, quite the mixing of metaphor 
For such tendrils is no feat.

Sweet to touch and soft to feel;
One has never felt so real
But suddenly they sway away,
A river's peace I still remain. this stanza doesn't add meaning to the poem IMO

Until the surface, struck by rock,
Sends ripples down upon my heart
Will these vines let loose of me, the image of hair tangling you up is interesting
And leave my soul to wander free.

i'm not really a fan of nursery rhythm and rhyme unless it's used as satire, but that's only one readers preference.  i would clean up the metaphors and cut S2.

thanks for posting

[Coquette16]

I am a fan of water metaphor...it maintains cohesiveness of the piece. 

The first line of the second stanza has good sensory images, but I'm wondering about the consistency of the "sweet", being a taste and "soft" being a touch. In this sense, the second half more harmonious than the first half. 

Perhaps an alteration to the second line of the second stanza as well...a bit on the cliché side...?

Love the word choice/imagery of the last two lines of the first stanza!

Those luscious, golden locks on high
Like water drops fall from the sky
And dare to snare a prideful beast,
For such tendrils is no feat.

Sweet to touch and soft to feel;
One has never felt so real
But suddenly they sway away,
A river's peace I still remain.

Until the surface, struck by rock,
Sends ripples down upon my heart
Will these vines let loose of me,
And leave my soul to wander free.

[Jo Frumple]

I like it, it's good, you've got a good subject, good words, good rhythm. Keep it up!

I would put a first person pronoun or something into the first paragraph. That "I" really jumped out at me because the reader didn't think it was first person until over halfway through the poem. OR you could omit the first person altogether? Maybe?

Overall I think you've got a good start!!

Those luscious, golden locks on high
Like water drops fall from the sky
And dare to snare a prideful beast,
For such tendrils is no feat.

Sweet to touch and soft to feel;
One has never felt so real
But suddenly they sway away,
A river's peace I still remain.

Until the surface, struck by rock,
Sends ripples down upon my heart
Will these vines let loose of me,
And leave my soul to wander free.