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2nd edition
I shot birds with my dad’s gun
But the weapon was no fun
For it made an awful sound
And left me upon the ground
Such was the force of dad’s gun
1st edition
I shot birds with my dad’s gun
But the weapon was no fun
For it made a terrible sound,
And left me on the ground
Such was the force of dad’s gun
Poetry is the unexpected utterance of the soul
Mark Nepo
Posts: 1,215
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Joined: Nov 2015
(11-04-2016, 08:34 AM)Mark Cecil Wrote: I shot birds with my dad’s gun
But the weapon was no fun
For it made a terrible sound,
And left me on the ground
Such was the force of dad’s gun
An amusing poem indeed. It would be easy (maybe too easy) to regularize the meter (for example, by changing l.3-4 to "For it made an awful sound/And left me upon the ground"), but the progressive departure from regularity with the shakeup adds to the humor IMHO. Beginning each line with an accented syllable is a nice evocation of that punch in the shoulder.
Two questions notable for their apparent absence: anyone care about the shot birds? No - care about bruised shoulder and muddy trousers! And, did Dad *make* the speaker use a field-weight 12ga instead of working up through .22, .410, and 16ga, or did the kid use it without permission - also suggested by lack of hearing protection? Or did Dad have only the one shotgun? Proverb: Beware the man who has only one gun, he probably knows how to use it.
Capitalizing each line is discommended on this site. I see little wrong with it, though it can ease the reading in many cases. In the present instance it helps portray a naive writer, which fits the story.
Non-practicing atheist
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Dad only had one gun and It was my first time shooting the double barrelled shotgun. I was only a kid at the time but my dad was there with me. I cannot say I managed to shoot any birds I think I blew off a tree branch such was my control of the gun.
In regards to the poem I usually prefer a standardised metre over free verse but if you think this poem still works without it I might keep it the way it is.
Poetry is the unexpected utterance of the soul
Mark Nepo
Posts: 1,147
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A lovely anecdote, but the edgelord within me keeps wanting to push it into darker territory ---- obviously (I hope) by darker territory, I mean child abuse. Fortunately, I'm not that much of a stuck-ass, so I'm also loving this as is -- the irregularity, I think, is what breathes it charm. Although the last line, because of its relative length (that is, the positions of its stresses seem to make them sound longer), maybe needs a look? Or maybe doesn't -- it might just be me, and I can't really think of alternatives.
I do think though that punctuation is just a tad weird. The comma is unnecessary -- the line break works well enough, and stitched into prose it just isn't right -- instead, there should be a period at the end of the fourth line, as well as the fifth, and maybe a comma by the first. Otherwise, lovely!
Posts: 57
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Joined: Oct 2016
In regards to the punctuation I think the comma is a mistake it shouldn't be there. Overall I think I'll stick to a metre seven syllables each line so in regards to the last line I'll keep it the way it is. I've made these changes in my second edit
Poetry is the unexpected utterance of the soul
Mark Nepo
