The Evil Within You I Adore.

[LiteraryAntiquity]

I wanted to redeem myself for those things we did
But when I hear you I can't stop myself.
A smile arrives like the evil toad
You left in my throat and cuts me with it's fakery.
You said 'Keep it secret.
She never has to know.'
But I want to be more than someone's mistress,
And to be loved you have to go.
I never intended it to be this tempestous.
Leave me alone now please so I don't want you more.
There's a good boy, as I fall to the floor,
Please don't look back, I'm just fine,
Like there was never a vicious crime
And in full swing I can rhyme and feel,
All that took place doesn't seem real.
Late at night you would hold me
No, I can't remember the good.
It was just something that happened,
Something that never should.
I'd be better off going to sleep
There is no secret I've locked so deep
And I know you hate these mushy tales
But everything else in my brain simply fails.
You're the one that makes me feel
And the one that makes me ache,
Is that a good enough way
To say I loved you too?
I guess this was something
We just had to go through.
_____________
First Poem on this site.

[ficosdarkness]

I wanted to redeem myself for those things we did,
But when I hear you I can't stop myself,
A smile arrives like an evil toad,
In my throat and cuts my voice box,
I never intended it to be this tempestous,
Leave me alone now so I don't want you more,
There's a good boy, as I fall to the floor,
Don't look back, I'm just fine,
Like there was never a vicious crime,
And in full swing I can rhyme and feel,
All that took place doesn't seem real,
But I'd be better off going to sleep,
Unless all night I wish to weep,
And I know you hate these mushy tales,
But everything else in my brain simply fails,
You're the one that makes me feel,
The one that makes me ache,
Is that a good enough way
To say I loved you too?

_____________
First Poem on this site.

As a whole I really dig your flow. Ln 13 "Unless all night I wish to weep, sounds forced to me, just a little.The wording is Archaic(old style english) and since we speak differently now, it feels forced. Other than that, good job! I enjoyed the read!

[billy]

I wanted to redeem myself for those things we did,
But when I hear you I can't stop myself,
A smile arrives like an evil toad,
In my throat and cuts my voice box,
I never intended it to be this tempestous,
Leave me alone now so I don't want you more,
There's a good boy, as I fall to the floor,
Don't look back, I'm just fine,
Like there was never a vicious crime,
And in full swing I can rhyme and feel,
All that took place doesn't seem real,
But I'd be better off going to sleep,
There's no secret I've locked so deep,
And I know you hate these mushy tales,
But everything else in my brain simply fails,
You're the one that makes me feel,
The one that makes me ache,
Is that a good enough way
To say I loved you too?

_____________
First Poem on this site.

a little work on the enjambment would help with the flow of the poem;

A smile arrives like an evil toad in my throat
and cuts my voice box,

no need for a comma at the end of every line.

all in all i enjoyed the poem, some good lines, i loved these two especially;
There's a good boy, as I fall to the floor,
Don't look back, I'm just fine,

with a really small edit i think you would have a really good poem. thanks for the read LT

[addy]

Interesting piece A small edit would do wonders for it.

My only suggestion would be that, given the title, aside from your desperate/hateful reactions to being in love with that person you can also devote more lines to giving the reader an idea what makes you think this person is so evil (what does this person say/do?). You don't need to flesh it out literally, just something that will give us enough of an impression.

Thanks for the read!

[LiteraryAntiquity]

Interesting piece A small edit would do wonders for it.

My only suggestion would be that, given the title, aside from your desperate/hateful reactions to being in love with that person you can also devote more lines to giving the reader an idea what makes you think this person is so evil (what does this person say/do?). You don't need to flesh it out literally, just something that will give us enough of an impression.

Thanks for the read!

Just edited, what do you think?

---

I wanted to redeem myself for those things we did,
But when I hear you I can't stop myself,
A smile arrives like an evil toad,
In my throat and cuts my voice box,
I never intended it to be this tempestous,
Leave me alone now so I don't want you more,
There's a good boy, as I fall to the floor,
Don't look back, I'm just fine,
Like there was never a vicious crime,
And in full swing I can rhyme and feel,
All that took place doesn't seem real,
But I'd be better off going to sleep,
There's no secret I've locked so deep,
And I know you hate these mushy tales,
But everything else in my brain simply fails,
You're the one that makes me feel,
The one that makes me ache,
Is that a good enough way
To say I loved you too?

_____________
First Poem on this site.

a little work on the enjambment would help with the flow of the poem;

A smile arrives like an evil toad in my throat
and cuts my voice box,

no need for a comma at the end of every line.

all in all i enjoyed the poem, some good lines, i loved these two especially;
There's a good boy, as I fall to the floor,
Don't look back, I'm just fine,

with a really small edit i think you would have a really good poem. thanks for the read LT

I've never really been much cop when it comes to the comma and stop of it all, I can only throw all my emotions into one basket in a way some people cannot. Just asking, have I done it correctly and what do you think of it now?

[billy]

Just edited, what do you think?

---

I wanted to redeem myself for those things we did,
But when I hear you I can't stop myself,
A smile arrives like an evil toad,
In my throat and cuts my voice box, [reads much better]
I never intended it to be this tempestous, [tempestuous]
Leave me alone now so I don't want you more,
There's a good boy, as I fall to the floor,
Don't look back, I'm just fine,
Like there was never a vicious crime,
And in full swing I can rhyme and feel,
All that took place doesn't seem real,
But I'd be better off going to sleep,
There's no secret I've locked so deep,
And I know you hate these mushy tales,
But everything else in my brain simply fails,
You're the one that makes me feel,
The one that makes me ache,
Is that a good enough way
To say I loved you too?
[much better without the two lines you removed]

I've never really been much cop when it comes to the comma and stop of it all, I can only throw all my emotions into one basket in a way some people cannot. Just asking, have I done it correctly and what do you think of it now?

first off i'm not sure what the correct way is or even if there is one.
does this edit read better for me? it certainly does.
with the lines you removed (bravely removed) throughout the poem makes it reads as a more complete piece. it doesn't let the reader wander away from the theme of it.
throwing your emotions into the basket is the perfect way to write i think.

if i had a little advice to give about the comma thing it would be this. never use them till you know how. (it's easy to learn but for now) where you'd put comma, use a line break.

the same with caps at the beginning of a sentence, though with them, there's no hard and fast rule. but if you only use one after the preceding line has used a period (full stop ) you can't go wrong. and for me it helps in letting the emotions you throw in the basket be seen more clearly.

anyway. and excellently brave edit, especially as this is only the mild crit board. thanks for the read LF
(jmho)

[addy]

I agree, you did a good job with the edit ... you weren't shy to whip it into shape and trim where it needed. I like the results. I even like the new way you ended it... it's not a surrender, exactly, but you leave the reader with the idea that the pain that went with the love has brought you to a new place, a new kind of self-awareness. Good job with this

[LiteraryAntiquity]

I agree, you did a good job with the edit ... you weren't shy to whip it into shape and trim where it needed. I like the results. I even like the new way you ended it... it's not a surrender, exactly, but you leave the reader with the idea that the pain that went with the love has brought you to a new place, a new kind of self-awareness. Good job with this

Thank you very much Addy and to Billy, without your help I couldn't have got anyway so yeah, Kudos for that guys. I'm glad you like the reedit and I hope you like more future work