Psychasthenia

[71degrees]

My latest poem about you is a failure.
It should have been about Angel Oaks,
instead the lines contain headless men,
an unspectacular sunset.
I wanted to write about a clear stream,
a place where God is a red dot on a map,
a place where humidity and summer heat
allow sweat to form like rosary beads
in the shallows of your breasts.

I imagine you in a white dress,
poem in your right hand,
dangling inches from the floor.

After all this, you are here
and I am there; both of us looking
through a window at old stars.


(** based on a work by Jack Vettriano)

[kolemath]

My latest poem about you is a failure. o.k. line, a bit prose-like though. perhaps 'failed' instead of 'is a failure'
It should have been about Angel Oaks, semicolon or period here
instead the lines contain headless men,
an unspectacular sunset. good images in this stanza
I wanted to write about a clear stream,
a place where God is a red dot on a map, great image but doesn't fit as well as the others in the flow of the stanza
a place where humidity and summer heat maybe this line would fit better next to the 'clear stream' line
allow sweat to form like rosary beads
in the shallows of your breasts. 

I imagine you in a white dress,
poem in your right hand, so you gave the failed poem
dangling inches from the floor. strange implication for the 'you' dangling here; i infer it's the poem dangling and not a body from a noose 

After all this, you are here
and I am there; both of us looking comma instead of semicolon. pretty weird that 'you are here, i am there,' as if the speaker is omniscient to himself, out of body almost
through a window at old stars. interesting implications for failed wishes too


              (** based on a work by Jack Vettriano)

thanks for posting

[Alic Elliot]

Well, Kolemath touched on a lot of the stuff I wanted to say, but I have a bit more.

Firstly, S1L3 implies something. What, I can't tell. Loves lost? Hearts broken? Men stepped on to win this girl's heart? Is she a controller? Maybe make this a bit more clear. Also, S1L9 is a bit.. Out of place. A little lustful for the context. (Unless of course I just have a dirty mind- but it seems to me the line is far from innocent.)


S3 says “you are here and I am there". Is this saying they [the speaker and the girl] have grown apart/broken up? (This is more for my clarification than crit, so feel free to disregard this from information to use to edit.)

[MadelineAnne]

Hello, 71degrees! I think this is a lovely poem. There are a couple of areas where I wish there was a little more detail.

My latest poem about you is a failure.
It should have been about Angel Oaks,
instead the lines contain headless men,
an unspectacular sunset.
I wanted to write about a clear stream,
a place where God is a red dot on a map,
a place where humidity and summer heat
allow sweat to form like rosary beads
in the shallows of your breasts.

I imagine you in a white dress,
poem in your right hand,
dangling inches from the floor. ~I think it would be nice for the reader to have a little bit more of a handle on who she is, maybe why she has a poem or who wrote it. This is tantalizing, and I like that it doesn't say everything. It doesn't need to say everything, just a couple more tidbits to let the reader in on the secret.

After all this, you are here
and I am there; both of us looking ~ "you are here and I am there" doesn't flow well for me. It feels very vague and it's not evocative.
through a window at old stars. ~I think you should add a modifier before windows. Right now, it's any window anywhere -- maybe add one detail to bring that image to life.


              (** based on a work by Jack Vettriano)

[71degrees]

I thought I should put this here. If interested, it might help some of you with suggestions. Sorry, I can't figure out any other way to insert what I want.

http://www.vettriano-art.com/the-letter/

Madeline: I like the modifier suggestion about the window. Thanks. Glad you think it's a lovely poem. The painting sure is. I adore anything by Vettriano.

Kolemath: The "weird" omniscient comment is valid since I'm looking at a painting. Tells me it's working. Thanks. Also appreciate some of the grammatical things.

[kolemath]

I thought I should put this here.  If interested, it might help some of you with suggestions.  Sorry, I can't figure out any other way to insert what I want.  

http://www.vettriano-art.com/the-letter/

Madeline:  I like the modifier suggestion about the window.  Thanks.  Glad you think it's a lovely poem. The painting sure is.  I adore anything by Vettriano.

Kolemath: The "weird" omniscient comment is valid since I'm looking at a painting. Tells me it's working. Thanks.  Also appreciate some of the grammatical things.

weird is good i didn't gather a 3rd person painting though, should maybe put the painting title as a epigraph?