Socrates Woe

[zorcas]

The worst of life, Socrates said,       EDIT 1
was the monkey on his back,
its animal urging never slack.
Filled with fury it always cried,
pounding his spine,
not to be denied.

Putting a scroll down
 near his linen gown
he again deferred
to the anxious beast.
After fevered motions
the animal's screaming
ceased,
heaving a grateful sigh
as its grip released.
 
But time has slowly
tempered that grip,
the flailing tail
now quiet to its tip.
Socrates smiles,
finally free
to spend his time
on philosophy.

[ellajam]

Ha, a fun read. I don't have too much to suggest but there are some breaks I don't understand and that might be improved on. I found most of them strong enough to justify the short lines, though you might want to see if the read is better if you condense it down to less, longer lines. The short lines were a bit of a turn off at first glance but for me it worked. Some notes below.

The worst of I don't see why life isn't on this line, stronger break and improved line meter.
life, Socrates said,
was the monkey
on his back,
its animal urging
never slack.
Filled with fury
it always cried,
pounding his spine,
not to be denied.
I enjoyed the set up of the struggle of making time for thinking while meeting our human needs.

Putting a scroll down
near his linen gown
he again deferred to I would drop to down to the next line.
the anxious beast.
After fevered motions
the animal's screaming I like the break on screaming.
ceased,
heaving a grateful sigh
as its grip released.
No quibbles here, clear.

But time has slowly
tempered that grip,
the flailing tail
now quiet to its tip. Love these lines, fun yet deadly to read.
Socrates smiles,
finally free
to spend his time
on philosophy.

[Achebe]

 
The worst of
life, Socrates said,
was the monkey
on his back,
its animal urging
never slack.
Filled with fury
it always cried,
pounding his spine,
not to be denied.

Putting a scroll down
near his linen gown
he again deferred to
the anxious beast.
After fevered motions
the animal's screaming
ceased,
heaving a grateful sigh
as its grip released.

But time has slowly
tempered that grip,
the flailing tail
now quiet to its tip.
Socrates smiles,
finally free
to spend his time
on philosophy.

At least Plato's Socrates was happy that sex was a thing of the past. 'The flailing tail' is clever, as is the whole of S2. 
While this is a delightful  little light hearted poem, I'm not sure how you'd like to workshop it. It doesn't have (nor is the intention for it to have) enough meat for a line by line read ,in my view.
But thanks for sharing.

[zorcas]

Ha, a fun read. I don't have too much to suggest but there are some breaks I don't understand and that might be improved on. I found most of them strong enough to justify the short lines, though you might want to see if the read is better if you condense it down to less, longer lines. The short lines were a bit of a turn off at first glance but for me it worked. Some notes below.

The worst of I don't see why life isn't on this line, stronger break and improved line meter.
life, Socrates said,
was the monkey
on his back,
its animal urging
never slack.
Filled with fury
it always cried,
pounding his spine,
not to be denied.
I enjoyed the set up of the struggle of making time for thinking while meeting our human needs.

Putting a scroll down
near his linen gown
he again deferred to I would drop to down to the next line.
the anxious beast.
After fevered motions
the animal's screaming I like the break on screaming.
ceased,
heaving a grateful sigh
as its grip released.
No quibbles here, clear.

But time has slowly
tempered that grip,
the flailing tail
now quiet to its tip. Love these lines, fun yet deadly to read.
Socrates smiles,
finally free
to spend his time
on philosophy.

Have taken your suggestions. As for critiquing, perhaps the main emphasis should be on the use of rhyme and language in general. Despite fighting it, find myself drawn to rhyme and have even begun a poem without it, then switching in the next line, as if some strange force demanded it. My previous no-rhyme posting has gone without any responses. perhaps because it looks simple when more was intended.