CREATING A POEM

[zorcas]

“In air swollen
with tan shreds
and sapphire spheres
bobbing and circling 
white waves
ringed in red,
Pompeii’s Princess
Penelope finds
the fisher’s shack.
 
“Wet, cold, afraid,
she stumbles in,
coughing.
Seeing her friend,
Penelope gasps,
‘Verily, Vesuvius
hath killed me.’
‘Fear not. I shall
breathe new life
into you,’ said--”

Meow!

A bit of cereal,
two blueberries,
five laps of milk left
in my red bowl.
Down it goes.
“That should perk you up.”
 
Penelope can wait.
Kitty comes first.

[Keith]

Hi zorcas
Your title threw me on the first read and to be honest I still don't see the connection but that could just be me, maybe the Mills and Boon plot has more depth than my understanding, either way I like the set up, there is just enough of Penelope's plight to suck the reader in before you abandon us to go feed the cat, I also liked the detail of the breakfast. The ending was a bit disappointing as I already knew you had stopped reading to feed the cat because of the five licks of milk. As the reader I wanted to go back to Penelope friend and get a bit more, this could also work well if the novel was a bit steamy. Penelope can wait, could be a good title. I should just say I enjoyed the poem and how the cameo played out. I think you should review the punctuation. Best Keith

“In air swollen
with tan shreds not sure what a tan shred is
and sapphire spheres
bobbing and circling  
white waves
ringed in red, You could trade this unnecessary imagery for plot to bait the hook for the reader
Pompeii’s Princess
Penelope finds like your use of sonic's here
the fisher’s shack. Consider if someone asked you to read a passage from a book that would engage the reader and make them want to read it would this be it ?

“Wet, cold, afraid,
she stumbles in,
coughing.
Seeing her friend,
Penelope gasps,
‘Verily, Vesuvius this is playful and fits well with the fun element of the poem
hath killed me.’
‘Fear not. I shall Not sure the old text element works here it kind of distracts from plot
breathe new life
into you,’ said--”

Meow!

A bit of cereal,
two blueberries,
five laps of milk left Whilst I like the detail here it does seem slightly odd that a cat would want such fanciful left overs, but hey I have a dog and she will eat anything so who am I to judge.
in my red bowl.
Down it goes.
“That should perk you up.”

Penelope can wait.
Kitty comes first.  Please see my comments above re-ending

[just mercedes]

Hi Zorcas - I really think you're having a lend of the members here.

After the length of time you've spent here, and the lessons you have read, I have to say, Don't give up your day job.

Why the quotes? Why the uneven use of quotation marks? What have the quoted passages to do with the cat? Why is a cat eating blueberries?

There's nothing poetic about this load of old rubbish, for me. And I speak as a poetry editor with years of experience. I really think you did better when you knew nothing about poetry. You're trying to write a meta poem, judging by the title, but you haven't achieved that.

You need to interest your reader, not insult them. If Mills and Boon is your preferred reading, how do you think you will ever comprehend Milton?

[Achebe]

Hi zorcas -everything from "meow" onwards is predictable.
If you were say talking about a cat in the poem and then suddenly transformed to your real life cat,it might make for a more arresting device. As it stands, it's just a lame joke.

[billy]

come on guys, we're in serious/ admin

while some of the feedback is in depth we do expect line by feedback as well. give reasons, point out specific lines. or adversely just don't leave feedback. please don't reply to this post here.

[Lizzie]

Hi zorcas. Overall, I think it could be a nice little piece. It's something I'd expect to see in the "for fun" forum, though. It doesn't seem to have much depth, and appears to be mostly for a bit of fun. Which is awesome, I just don't think it's ready for serious yet. I'll give you the thoughts I have below:

“In air swollen
with tan shreds -- of what?
and sapphire spheres
bobbing and circling  -- I'm assuming these are raindrops? What are the sapphire spheres? More importantly, it's not clear (mainly because of the lack of punctuation here) whether bobbing and circling is referring to the spheres or to the white waves.
white waves
ringed in red, -- I'm having trouble with this image because waves have more of a horizontal thing going on, and I can't imagine them being ringed with anything. Perhaps it's the glow of the sunset lining the waves, maybe there's a thread of red on the waves, etc? Just a thought.
Pompeii’s Princess
Penelope finds
the fisher’s shack.
 
“Wet, cold, afraid, -- fairly bland descriptors
she stumbles in,
coughing.
Seeing her friend,
Penelope gasps,
‘Verily, Vesuvius
hath killed me.’
‘Fear not. I shall
breathe new life
into you,’ said--” -- I understand that you don't want to go too into depth with a story that's inside of a story, but this little exchange just doesn't feel compelling to me. I agree with Keith's idea that maybe it should be a steamy little snippet -- Achebe's thought about including a fictional cat is also good. What needs to happen in order for the "meow" to feel disruptive is for the reader to be engaged in the story and then suddenly interrupted, but the story you present is not engaging. You're alluding to this huge story with betrayal and numerous characters, and it's just not possible (ok, well maybe not impossible, but almost) to get someone caught up in the story in that little space. Maybe focus on a dynamic that's just between two characters and don't give too much back story, just make it about what's going on in that exact moment. In fairness, what you're trying to accomplish here is actually quite hard.

Meow!

A bit of cereal,
two blueberries,
five laps of milk left
in my red bowl.
Down it goes.
“That should perk you up.”
 
Penelope can wait.
Kitty comes first.

I think the last two lines work. It's almost a taunt to the reader. I agree with Keith's idea that the title needs work.

I guess I'm not sure what purpose is ultimately served here, other than a challenge for the writer and a middle finger to the reader. You're really telling the reader that they can wait, since the cat bit doesn't offer any insight, engaging imagery, or sense of conclusion to the reader.

It's not something you could read over and over because you already know what the 'punch line' is, as it were.

I hope something here helps.

lizziep

[Keith]

Zorcas
I added some line by line comments to my initial response to your poem, I look forward to seeing where you take this in the edit.
Best Keith

[tectak]

Hi zorcas,
you have put this in the workshopping forum. I assume it is your intention to workshop it. Here are some observations.
Best,
tectak

“In air swollen
with tan shreds
and sapphire spheres
bobbing and circling 
white waves
ringed in red, Obscurity is not my thing...especially when it is not possible (for anyone) to tell if the imagery is deliberately penned to be difficult to make any sense of...or just nonsense verse. Over many years, both categories have featured on this and all other sites. Vanity sites DO tend to defend obscurity (just in case they get the wrong category) but this site one can actually SAY what the reader thinks without upsetting the writer. So here goes. I believe it is nonsense verse...thus far.
Pompeii’s Princess I want to believe we are being treated to a descriptive bit of prose on a volcanic eruption. Yes...that must be it. Working on that hypothesis I think you should get your Pompeii in earlier...I mean , why make your reader work hard to "get" it?
Penelope finds
the fisher’s shack.
 
“Wet, cold, afraid,
she stumbles in,
coughing.
Seeing her friend,
Penelope gasps,
‘Verily, Vesuvius
hath killed me.’
‘Fear not. I shall
breathe new life
into you,’ said--” Now come along. This is nursery rhyme stuff...and ill-conceived at that. The mock-medieval mode is of no purpose. A rewrite I think....if you are serious, of course.

Meow!

A bit of cereal,
two blueberries,
five laps of milk left
in my red bowl.
Down it goes.
“That should perk you up.”
 
Penelope can wait.
Kitty comes first. Notwithstanding that the King is wearing his new suit of clothes, I will not defend this piece beyond reason. If you could pull it in to some kind of themed nonsense verse, then OK; but left as is, there is nothing poetically significant enough to justify its location in a Serious Workshopping forum. Your call.
Best,
tectak

[Ton Romus]

 
 
“In air swollen
with tan shreds
and sapphire spheres
bobbing and circling 
white waves
ringed in red, >>> I have a number of issues turning me off rather aggressively right out of the cardboard box starting with excessively chopped short lines littered with "shreds" and "spheres" that land rather abruptly in overly populated abstraction...  In truth, I am hesitant to go any further
because I seriously doubt this effort justifies "serious workshop..."
 
 
Pompeii’s Princess
Penelope finds
the fisher’s shack.
 
“Wet, cold, afraid,
she stumbles in,
coughing. >>> This is very poor (lazy) writing and that anyone with a teaspoon of description chops could easily best in about 15 seconds..

Seeing her friend,
Penelope gasps,
‘Verily, Vesuvius
hath killed me.’ >>> sorry this is utter trash. words like gasps verily and hath are absolutely devoid of currency and have zero present value...
 

‘Fear not. I shall
breathe new life
into you,’ said--”

Meow! >>> just wow.  I am so sorry I proceeded...

A bit of cereal,
two blueberries,
five laps of milk left
in my red bowl.
Down it goes.
“That should perk you up.”
 
Penelope can wait.
Kitty comes first.
 
This could be funny if it was intended to be a rather transparent effort at some contorted parody or mockery... But it's just bad.  Really bad.
 
Sorry. that's my take.

[zorcas]

This wasn't intended as tail pulling or even, iin one sense, as humor, so I'll  detail what it was about: the opening which puzzled many uses the exact colors found in the breakfast leavings and bowl;  the last quote before "meow!" is a rephrasing of what the cat owner said to his pet, both tied to the poem's title which, I'd hoped, would prompt reflection on how our lives provide fodder for our poems. Quote marks enclosed the cat owner's verse whose corny dialogue reflected his limited mastery of the language.  It's possible I was was more confused than my welcome critiquers; if so, forgive me.

[Sparkydashforth]

“In air swollen
with tan shreds
and sapphire spheres
bobbing and circling 
white waves
ringed in red,
Pompeii’s Princess
Penelope finds
the fisher’s shack.
 
“Wet, cold, afraid,
she stumbles in,
coughing.
Seeing her friend,
Penelope gasps,
‘Verily, Vesuvius
hath killed me.’
‘Fear not. I shall
breathe new life
into you,’ said--”

Meow!

A bit of cereal,
two blueberries,
five laps of milk left
in my red bowl.
Down it goes.
“That should perk you up.”
 
Penelope can wait.
Kitty comes first.

Hi,

I would like to take a different POV on this work. Yes, the title seems odd, yet I rather like stanza one, it reads
well to me. Some reservations as to word choices i.e. Tan, but it in general, works for me.
However, I would cut S2 in its entirety, including the 'meow'.
Last lines work for me, but I would again cut 'A bit of cereal', and add something more cat/fishy,
like a nice fat mackerel.

Needs work, but you have something worth working on here.

[Erthona]

zorcas,

Before I precede, I thought I would address your last comments. All I can say is that is a long way to go to get color repetition.

" I'd hoped, would prompt reflection on how our lives provide fodder for our poems."

It's always nice to stretch oneself and so I commend you for the attempt. Unfortunately, as in many attempts this one also fails to do as you would have it. You introduced to much ambiguity, creating an overload of disruption for the reader.
_________________________________________________________________________________________ 






“In air swollen with tan shreds and sapphire spheres bobbing and circling white waves ringed in red, Pompeii’s Princess
Penelope finds the fisher’s shack.

Factually Pompeii had no princess as it was Roman and Rome had no Royalty in 79 AD. So "Penelope" must be a metaphor. The first part of the sentence appears to be an attempt to describe of the volcano as it hits the island. However to me it seems overly verbose and one looses the image in all the verbiage.

How can air be swollen with shreds? Also the use of "and twice cannot be allowed. Maybe.

In the air: tan shreds, bobbing sapphire spheres and white waves ringed in red. Although I still can't say that it paints an adequate image.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
“Wet, cold, afraid, she stumbles in, coughing.

Now this person of who we no not what she is, " stumbles in, coughing." This sounds more like a TB ridden drunk, instead of an archetypal personage.


Seeing her friend, Penelope gasps, ‘Verily, Vesuvius hath killed me.’

Verily and forsooth we return to the future of King James, about 1400 years from thence to then.

...and now we not only do not know who Lady "P" is but now a friend of hers is introduced who we also do not know. Is she a goddess or a fish hag?
-----------------------------------

‘Fear not. 1. Why the apostrophe? 2. Why not a complete sentence?

I shall breathe new life into you,’ said--”

Meow!    Oh I see, when been watching a telenovela and are now being interrupted by the cat.

A bit of cereal,
two blueberries,
five laps of milk left
in my red bowl.
Down it goes.
“That should perk you up.”

Penelope can wait.
Kitty comes first. (That's not always the case you know?)

My salts exactly, pussy always before Pen.

This poem reminds me of the time I tried to carve a marble statue out of talc.


dale

[zorcas]

Properly chastened, indeed, though also a bit perturbed that no one took heed of the clearly descriptive title of the ersatz poem, else why would anyone have mentioned the low quality of the poem being created within it?  Creativity, alas!, generates more rubbish than rapture, nyet?