Posts: 12
Threads: 2
Joined: Sep 2016
The Irish Famine
Looking out from her shores across the sea
the wind of change brings the smell of greed
and this is what she feared.
When the famine curse lay upon her land
It was her people's spirits that carried them along
while their bodies withered like autumn leaves
many souls looked on as their flesh decay
oh she cries in silence as she feel their pain
this land her body lies in a dreadful state
Oh curse you she cries who are born out of greed
You seek my beauty my freedom my chosen people
Then you rape them of mind body and land
In a hell created by your evil minds
But destroy my spirit oh no, I shall be free.
Freedom is hers but not stated in war
But in her hills her mountains her valleys her streams
Her rivers that run with no borders between
and her trees that whispers these words in her breeze.
Oh my chosen people I will comfort your cries
for this I do know, You all love Me with Pride.
Posts: 952
Threads: 225
Joined: Aug 2016
Is this about potato blight? It sounds like the country itself mourning over the state of the land, but then a narrator talking about the country, looks like you did this on purpose. And if potatoes have nothing to do with it, I can see how greed can be the cause for lament. The spiritual famine. It seems as though your primary focus was elaborating on the majestic scenery and deplorable state of affairs, which can only be aided by proper punctuation. I can feel what youre saying here I think because I love my country, and Ireland too, already. Anyways, I like it cause it's short and sweet
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Posts: 12
Threads: 2
Joined: Sep 2016
(10-18-2016, 05:07 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Is this about potato blight? It sounds like the country itself mourning over the state of the land, but then a narrator talking about the country, looks like you did this on purpose. And if potatoes have nothing to do with it, I can see how greed can be the cause for lament. The spiritual famine. It seems as though your primary focus was elaborating on the majestic scenery and deplorable state of affairs, which can only be aided by proper punctuation. I can feel what youre saying here I think because I love my country, and Ireland too, already. Anyways, I like it cause it's short and sweet
Thanks CRNDLSM
Yes I wrote this with the thoughts of the spiritual side of the famine "her hills her mountains her valleys her streams her rivers that run with no borders between" although there is one line which i wasn't to sure how to end but i went with "minds" because of that spiritual side "In a hell created by your evil minds" I did think of "greed" or "deeds" but "minds" i think has a better connection and close level with spiritual, as for proper punctuation, I like to use words that has a continuation of flow, a freedom to understand.
I have a spoken word song of this but been new here im not to sure about the rules of posting, thanks.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Punctuation and grammatically this is pretty sketchy and makes the reading unnecessarily difficult. Suggest writing out each sentence first, using correct punctuation. There are also some tense problems, some of which I have noted.
Looking out from her shores across the sea
The wind of change brings the smell of greed
and this is what she feared.
When the famine curse lay upon her land
It was her people(possessive plural) spirits that carried them along
While their bodies wither(withered, tense) like autumn leaves
Many souls look (-ed) on as their flesh decay
Oh she cries in silence as she feel their pain
This land her body lies in a dreadful state
"Oh curse you," (use quote marks if quoting) she cries who are born out of greed
You seek my beauty my freedom my chosen people
Then you rape them of mind body and land
In a hell created by your evil minds
But destroy my spirit oh no, I shall be free.
Freedom is hers but not stated in war
But in her hills her mountains her valleys her streams
Her rivers that run with no borders between
and her trees that whispers these words in her breeze.
Oh my chosen people I will comfort your cries
For this I do know, you all love me with pride.
Best,
dale
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Further note:
typesetting
As a service to your reader(s), please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out in the 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material, which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done which is an unfortunate misapprehension. As it does nothing positive to the poem, but in fact weakens it, it is not a style, but an affectation.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 12
Threads: 2
Joined: Sep 2016
(10-18-2016, 06:53 AM)Erthona Wrote: Punctuation and grammatically this is pretty sketchy and makes the reading unnecessarily difficult. Suggest writing out each sentence first, using correct punctuation. There are also some tense problems, some of which I have noted.
Looking out from her shores across the sea
The wind of change brings the smell of greed
and this is what she feared.
When the famine curse lay upon her land
It was her people(possessive plural) spirits that carried them along
While their bodies wither(withered, tense) like autumn leaves
Many souls look (-ed) on as their flesh decay
Oh she cries in silence as she feel their pain
This land her body lies in a dreadful state
"Oh curse you," (use quote marks if quoting) she cries who are born out of greed
You seek my beauty my freedom my chosen people
Then you rape them of mind body and land
In a hell created by your evil minds
But destroy my spirit oh no, I shall be free.
Freedom is hers but not stated in war
But in her hills her mountains her valleys her streams
Her rivers that run with no borders between
and her trees that whispers these words in her breeze.
Oh my chosen people I will comfort your cries
For this I do know, you all love me with pride.
Best,
dale
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Further note:
typesetting
As a service to your reader(s), please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out in the 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material, which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done which is an unfortunate misapprehension. As it does nothing positive to the poem, but in fact weakens it, it is not a style, but an affectation.
Thank Dale
Im not going to leave out "her body" but everything else you say is true, cap start to be honest never suited my flow so ill adjust, typesetting remind me of my old typewriter
and again ill adjust, "but an affectation"
