Sit in the sand and watch the waves.
Rolling waves, rolling waves, rolling waves. Dive into the rhythm of the sea. Rolling waves, rolling waves, rolling waves. Wade and push from ankle, knee, to waist. Rolling waves, rolling waves, rolling waves.
Toss the longboard over surf, overhead peaks of slamming foam.
Hold the breath of calm. Resurface. Haul back the board. Heave on.
Paddle, paddle, paddle, over wave, wave, wave,
past the white wash to the quiet space, sound barrier of smashing waves behind lets no sound form shore invade. No voice from land but a pelican or gull. Dolphin breath and fish splash say, “A shark could kill you from below shadows.” “Coexist,” I say. The waves roll as the roll of waves, the tide and current, reshape the bloodstream and heartbeat, liquid unity, the ocean takes the pulse, healing in the waves, rolling all back to blue horizons.
Flat horizon, line of stillness, births rolling waves. A wave ahead, a set of waves, God’s collection, handmade.
One slams ahead.
Two is paddle over. Three is turn around. Four is paddle in. Paddle, paddle, paddle into the rolling wave, the cradled space. Fall in, push up, feet flying, body skimming down the face. Bliss. Dive off. Back to land.
Sunlight dims. Sand darkens.
SURFING
Rolling waves, rolling waves, sandy sit down watching waves.
Rolling waves, rolling waves, sea dive rhythm, wave, wave, wave.
Rolling waves, rolling waves, wading and pushing ankle, knee, waist.
Toss the longboard over surf, peak overhead of throwing slams of foam,
tumbling gnashing deluge, warm flail and holding breath to resurface.
Haul back the board. Heave on.
Paddle, paddle, paddle, over rolling waves,
past the white wash to the quiet space, sound barrier of smashing waves.
No sound from shore. No voices from land.
A pelican or dolphin breath. Fish splash.
A shark could kill me from the view below of salty shadows.
Flat horizon of zero movement, birthing rolling waves.
The waves roll and the roll of waves, tide and current, bloodstream and heartbeat,
the ocean takes the pulse and rolls it back to the horizon on the rolling waves.
A wave ahead, a set of waves, God’s collection, handmade.
One slams just in front into my open nose.
Two is paddle over. Three is turn around.
Four is paddle in.
Rolling wave, paddle, paddle, cradle to the throw.
Fall in, push up, pop feet flying, skimming down the face, taken by the wave.
Old friend. Rolling wave invites me to the place, body still but swift along the face.
This seems to lack the depth to be in serious. It tells rather than shows and in telling uses a lot of repetition that does not benefit the poem: "rolling waves" "paddle, paddle, paddle" . There is nothing deeper than just the telling of surfing, there is little use of poetic tropes, especially metaphor. There is nothing about it to emotionally draw the reader in and thus cause the reader to care about the poem. Were it spoken aloud by someone with an oratorical voice that could make the words come alive, it might work, but still I suspect most of the repetition would need to be removed. Try reading it aloud to someone, and see how that goes. There are some of your sentences that are not grammatical and some are not even sentences, "A pelican or dolphin breath."
There is also forced rhyme:
"A wave ahead, a set of waves,
God’s collection, handmade."
Although there is little rhyme to speak of. In this particular spot it seems the writer went out of his wave way to make a rhyme happen, even though the second part really doesn't follow the first and comes across as very ad hoc.
My favorite line "A shark could kill me from the view below of salty shadows." Although still somewhat clumsy.
Instead "From the salty shadows below, a shark could rise and kill me."
However, this poem is not ready for serious, there is simply not enough to go line by line. I think you would receive more beneficial critic in the "Mild" forum. I could be wrong but I don't think most people will try and critique this, in this forum. You can ask a mod to move it if you like.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
I agree with Dale that there's just too much repetition. I think you were maybe trying to recreate the endless procession of the waves coming toward you, but I don't think that using the same words over and over is serving you well. It becomes bland very, very quickly.
I saw in another forum that you're trying to bring a little lightness to the poetry world by not focusing on bummer themes. I think this is noble, and also there needs to be SOME kind of drama that moves the reader through the narrative. I like the line "A shark could kill me from the view below of salty shadows." I think you really have something there, especially since it's placed next to such a blissful scene -- it really caught my attention.
For me, this poem is like a dish that has no depth of flavor, it's just all sweet. I need some kind of bitter, sour, spicy -- something to temper the sugar a bit.
Thanks. I was trying for a kind of meditation, shutting the chaotic brain off, so to speak. I get that readers want drama though. I'll work on making the repetition less boring.
