To the Pathologically Bored American Man

[Lizzie]

Thank god for cell phones:
you never look around anymore.
Now you don't need to fire your rifle
out the window of your Firebird
at whatever bunny or chickadee
catches your predatory eye.

You don't need to speed along
gravel roads at midnight,
swerving to pick off raccoons
as if the thud under your truck
from their busting brains
earns you points in some video game.

You don't need to careen
into a neighbor's cornfield
—headlights off, doors open—
and slam the pedal to the floor
just to see what happens
[to make something happen].

You don't need to whack
mailboxes with your baseball bats,
or make up jokes with your dawgs
to throw at the ugly dog on her bike
or pin a pretty chick up against
the backside of the corner store.

You don't need to dispatch
your mom's hatchback into a ditch
on a dare, flipping your best friend
sixteen feet out the passenger window,
breaking his skull open on a tree,
dissolving both your lives at sixteen.

You don't seek ecstasy or boast destruction.
Now you sit next to your friends in silence—
phones lighting your faces from underneath
like expressionless paintings—
and the world goes on without you
as it should have all along.

[CRNDLSM]

Wow lizziep I love this poem! I wrote it all out and got a chill...
First I think the content applies to way more people than the title suggests.  way more people.  I feel a  lot of anger coming out all the way through in a lose lose situation.  anger at cellphones, anger at destructive stupidity, and tying the two together works pretty brilliantly.

Thank god for cell phones:
you never look around anymore.because of the repetition later on, why not set the two first lines alone as their own stanza, the first line could be sarcastic or genuine, the second explaining the first raises more questions, leading to the following story.  
Now you don't need to fire your rifle
out the window of your Firebird
at whatever bunny or chickadee
catches your predatory eye.so separating the first two lines, adding two to this stanza would make up the  pattern. I want to say more but I'll do it later.

You don't need to speed along
gravel roads at midnight,
swerving to pick off raccoons
as if the thud under your truck'as if the' seems like space filler
from their busting brainsI like how this mirrors skulls later
earns you points in some video game.

You don't need to careen
into a neighbor's cornfield
—headlights off, doors open—
and slam the pedal to the floor
just to see what happens
[to make something happen]. This whole stanza is very fascinating because I WANT to know what happens!  I can't imagine it, and you don't tell us, it just sounds dangerous

You don't need to whack
mailboxes with your baseball bats,
or make up jokes with your dawgs
to throw at the ugly dog on her bike
or pin a pretty chick up against
the backside of the corner store. I think you can cut this whole stanza, wracking mailboxes after the mystery of the stanza before I just picture Kiefer Sutherland in 'stand by me' and then dawgs could be cultural slang but then 'dog' and her bike doesn't make sense.  calling girls dogs? some of this is alright, but maybe the details could fill the first stanza if you split the first two lines, you mention 'chick' sort of both places which I guess is good repetition.  

You don't need to dispatch
your mom's hatchback into a ditch
on a dare, flipping your best friend
sixteen feet out the passenger window,
breaking his skull open on a tree,
dissolving both your lives at sixteen. This stanza is just like the exciting one before the previous stanza.  your mom's is a nice insult but again, I can't imagine the scenario. dispatching a hatchback can flip a car? And  I love that even though one kid dies, both lives are dissolved.  man that's killer.

You don't seek ecstasy or boast destruction. this line should go at the beginning, so you continue with the nows in the new direction.
Now you sit next to your friends in silence— thank God they're not killing themselves!
phones lighting your faces from underneath
like expressionless paintings— like they're dead anyway! lol
and the world goes on without you
as it should have all along. So cynical! lose lose!  

Very exciting read thank you! 

[MHenry]

Hi, lizzieep,

Your poem is very well written from first line to last with a clear, consistent, and heart-breaking message.

The poignancy is amplified by the fact we have all been sixteen, we have probably all seen this happen, we may have participated, and sadly many of us actually thought and acted like this.

The tragedy of young lives lost through recklessness and lack of empathy is a sobering experience for friends, siblings, and parents. And, of course, the innocent victims of senseless violence suffer much.

The use of the cell phone as a bookend is most effective to tie the piece together and give it an inevitable but original ending. You have used alliteration, assonance, and consonance elegantly and effectively throughout the piece, along with some comfortable rhymes.

I like this poem very much in its craft and in its message.

Thank god for cell phones:
you never look around anymore.
Now you don't need to fire your rifle
out the window of your Firebird
at whatever bunny or chickadee
catches your predatory eye.

You don't need to speed along
gravel roads at midnight,
swerving to pick off raccoons
as if the thud under your truck
from their busting brains
earns you points in some video game.

You don't need to careen
into a neighbor's cornfield
—headlights off, doors open—
and slam the pedal to the floor
just to see what happens
[to make something happen].

You don't need to whack
mailboxes with your baseball bats,
or make up jokes with your dawgs
to throw at the ugly dog on her bike
or pin a pretty chick up against
the backside of the corner store.

You don't need to dispatch
your mom's hatchback into a ditch
on a dare, flipping your best friend
sixteen feet out the passenger window,
breaking his skull open on a tree,
dissolving both your lives at sixteen.

You don't seek ecstasy or boast destruction.
Now you sit next to your friends in silence—
phones lighting your faces from underneath
like expressionless paintings—
and the world goes on without you
as it should have all along.

[Lizzie]

MHenry: I learned a new word today: consonance!  

Thanks for giving me your thoughts and welcome to the site! ><

---

Wow lizziep I love this poem! I wrote it all out and got a chill...
First I think the content applies to way more people than the title suggests.  way more people.  I feel a  lot of anger coming out all the way through in a lose lose situation.  anger at cellphones, anger at destructive stupidity, and tying the two together works pretty brilliantly.

I'm honored that you spent so much time on it, Crundalism! >< That's such a gift for me to hear!

Yeah, this is definitely an angrier piece. Except for one bit, all of these things were done by friends of my brother's, and so I'm glad that that heat, that energy is coming through. The only bit that I made up completely was the bit you said to cut!!! (about the dogs, and all) It's not made up in the sense that it doesn't happen, but that's the part that didn't specifically happen to me or anyone I know. I think it's a testament to your 'ear' as a reader that you could hear a difference, and I thank you very much for letting me know that it fell flat. That tells me that I need to keep everything in this piece true to life. Good. Helps me narrow the focus.

You know, what happens when you drive into a cornfield entirely depends on the height of the corn. If I were you, I'd choose a soybean field instead.

I meant dispatch in the sense of...dispatching something with extreme prejudice. Eliminating, destroying, etc. It sounded good with hatchback.....we'll see if it keeps tripping people up. Initially I had, 'speed your mom's Camry into a ditch', and I can always go back to that. Just looking for something a little bit interesting from a tonal standpoint.

[QDeathstar]

Thank god for cell phones:
you never look around anymore.
Now you don't need to fire your rifle
out the window of your Firebird
at whatever bunny or chickadee
catches your predatory eye. this is a stern accusatory open which I think you sort of move away from in the rest of the poem. Imagery is good. I can imagine the teenage juvenileness.. I think adding the word predatory conjure a differnt feeling. If that is your intent, ok, but then I think you could make the peice even stronger by adding a stanza at the end. Technology makes it easier for predators.

You don't need to speed along
gravel roads at midnight,
swerving to pick off raccoons
as if the thud under your truck
from their busting brains
earns you points in some video game.

You don't need to careen
into a neighbor's cornfield
—headlights off, doors open—
and slam the pedal to the floor
just to see what happens
[to make something happen]. ive read those a few times and I dont think the poem gains or looses anything with the almost repitition here... and I'm also not seeing a reason for the brackets.

You don't need to whack
mailboxes with your baseball bats,
or make up jokes with your dawgs
to throw at the ugly dog on her bike odd phrase for a ugly bitch; also not loving dawgs. Feels dated and a bit too... ethnic for this peice
or pin a pretty chick up againstcontrast is nice, but the first half, as I said should be reworked a bit.
the backside of the corner store. not where I'd put one. Consider bathroom stall

You don't need to dispatch
your mom's hatchback into a ditch
on a dare, flipping your best friend
sixteen feet out the passenger window,
breaking his skull open on a tree,
dissolving both your lives at sixteen. compared to the rest of the examples, this one is overly heavy.

You don't seek ecstasy or boast destruction.
Now you sit next to your friends in silence—
phones lighting your faces from underneath
like expressionless paintings—
and the world goes on without you
as it should have all along. its like ok. You started prosecuting but never made any closing arguments. I think this poem has a lot of potential. I feel like you were unsure how to end it.

[Lizzie]

Thank god for cell phones:
you never look around anymore.
Now you don't need to fire your rifle
out the window of your Firebird
at whatever bunny or chickadee
catches your predatory eye.  this is a stern accusatory open which I think you sort of move away from in the rest of the poem. Imagery is good. I can imagine the teenage juvenileness.. I think adding the word predatory conjure a differnt feeling. If that is your intent, ok, but then I think you could make the peice even stronger by adding a stanza at the end. Technology makes it easier for predators. Yeah, I do mean for the predatory piece to be there in this stanza. I understand what you're saying about the tech, and I had another bit written for the ending that transitioned that predatory nature into the technological sphere, but I decided to cut it and focus in on the relief from that kind of presence.

You don't need to speed along
gravel roads at midnight,
swerving to pick off raccoons
as if the thud under your truck
from their busting brains
earns you points in some video game.

You don't need to careen
into a neighbor's cornfield
—headlights off, doors open—
and slam the pedal to the floor
just to see what happens
[to make something happen]. ive read those a few times and I dont think the poem gains or looses anything with the almost repitition here... and I'm also not seeing a reason for the brackets. Yeah, that bit's not very necessary. I wasn't sure about it. I mostly just wanted to bring home that notion of forcing something to happen.

You don't need to whack
mailboxes with your baseball bats,
or make up jokes with your dawgs
to throw at the ugly dog on her bike  odd phrase for a ugly bitch; also not loving dawgs. Feels dated and a bit too... ethnic for this peice Well, maybe this is one of those places where sticking to facts isn't serving me. 'Dog' was what the guys used to call girls that they intended to slander. And they used words like 'dawgs' because it supposedly gave them some kind of manufactured street cred.
or pin a pretty chick up againstcontrast is nice, but the first half, as I said should be reworked a bit.
the backside of the corner store. not where I'd put one. Consider bathroom stall Wait, what?

You don't need to dispatch
your mom's hatchback into a ditch
on a dare, flipping your best friend
sixteen feet out the passenger window,
breaking his skull open on a tree,
dissolving both your lives at sixteen. compared to the rest of the examples, this one is overly heavy.

You don't seek ecstasy or boast destruction.
Now you sit next to your friends in silence—
phones lighting your faces from underneath
like expressionless paintings—
and the world goes on without you
as it should have all along. its like ok. You started prosecuting but never made any closing arguments. I think this poem has a lot of potential. I feel like you were unsure how to end it.  Ok, I'll give the ending some thought. Thanks for the read.

[QDeathstar]

I think putting a pinup model inside the men's bathroom or similar paints a stronger picture than behind a corner store. I walk behind 7-11 all the time and there's nothing back there but trash.

[Todd]

Hi Lizzie, let me give you some feedback on this one. I like the title though you may want to go with man instead of men--it will still read as a universal and sound a bit better in my opinion.

Thank god for cell phones:--I like how you bring the cell phone back in later.
you never look around anymore.--Given your title I'd probably reverse line one and two so that you can lead with a "You"
Now you don't need to fire your rifle
out the window of your Firebird
at whatever bunny or chickadee
catches your predatory eye.--Not a bit fan of catches...something less static (races by, runs past, some variation)

You don't need to speed along --Consider setting up your images a bit more. You could play with the idea of throwing rocks and use the gravel roads below to show that their being kicked up from the tires--implying speed.
gravel roads at midnight,--concise tight phrasing. I like the line.
swerving to pick off raccoons
as if the thud under your truck--The firebird has become a truck might be unnecessary. A truck is better for this late night whack a mole game of theirs.
from their busting brains
earns you points in some video game.

You don't need to careen
into a neighbor's cornfield
—headlights off, doors open—
and slam the pedal to the floor
just to see what happens
[to make something happen].

You don't need to whack --Nice double meaning on the line break.
mailboxes with your baseball bats,
or make up jokes with your dawgs
to throw at the ugly dog on her bike
or pin a pretty chick up against--possibly break this line on backside
the backside of the corner store.

You don't need to dispatch--Not a fan of dispatch
your mom's hatchback into a ditch
on a dare, flipping your best friend
sixteen feet out the passenger window,
breaking his skull open on a tree,
dissolving both your lives at sixteen. --This all feels a bit telly to me. I don't hate the content but it isn't quite coming together for me.  I like dissolving though I don't think it is set up well by the lead up. Right now it feels bolted on. I'd rather see a shift that makes it the obvious payoff line.

You don't seek ecstasy or boast destruction.--don't like this line you could probably just lead with the next line.
Now you sit next to your friends in silence—
phones lighting your faces from underneath--gorgeous image
like expressionless paintings—again you build this very well.
and the world goes on without you--I would consider ending on this line.
as it should have all along.

I hope some of that helps. 

Best,

Todd

[Lizzie]

I think putting a pinup model inside the men's bathroom or similar paints a stronger picture than behind a corner store. I walk behind 7-11 all the time and there's nothing back there but trash.

Aha. Now the confusion clears. I wasn't thinking a pinup poster, I was intending to refer to an incidence of sexual assault. Hence my startled response.

That's a relief.

---

It does help. Thank you very much, Todd. I will certainly give that stanza that feels bolted on some attention. I see what you're saying about it being too telly. That was the last bit to get written, so I was probably rushing it.

[QDeathstar]

Sorry, i read that wrong. Now that i re-read it its clear enough, and pin is a good word choice with reference to a pin-up model...

[rollingbrianjones]

Genuinely enjoyed reading this, totally got the subject matter, assume there is a personal context and glad you at least feel that firstly, things have moved on... and secondly that there is at least to you some positive of a generation engrossed staring into their technology! Feeling this is personal, there is no critiquing your feelings and any specific instances you are thinking of - but my main criticism in terms of subject matter is a glaring question, have things really moved on in general? Perhaps in your instance. But broadly speaking? Perhaps you don't wish to speak broadly but I sense in places you do.

Lots has already been said in terms of line by line so I won't add another. Only concur very strongly with one of the previous posts (Todd) in terms of the last stanza. It's really well written overall and I can't help feeling it should pack more of a punch at the end, by shortening, word changes, adding a syllable here or there:

You don't seek ecstasy or boast destruction.--I like this line, but might still cut it for a short sharp finish OR adjust the next line slightly for a smoother read, end strong.
Now you sit next to your friends in silence— Can you improve this line? "now you sit next to". [an e.g. now you sit idly with idlers in silence]
phones lighting your faces from underneath--maybe cut your, add something between from & underneath, or after? [phones lighting faces from deep underneath / phones lighting faces from underneath thought] I might be going too far there in my examples but they are meant to be only that, examples.
like expressionless paintings
and the world goes on without you.

As mentioned lots has been said, but hope that's of some use.

RBJ

[Lizzie]

Genuinely enjoyed reading this, totally got the subject matter, assume there is a personal context and glad you at least feel that firstly, things have moved on... and secondly that there is at least to you some positive of a generation engrossed staring into their technology! Feeling this is personal, there is no critiquing your feelings and any specific instances you are thinking of - but my main criticism in terms of subject matter is a glaring question, have things really moved on in general? Perhaps in your instance. But broadly speaking? Perhaps you don't wish to speak broadly but I sense in places you do.

I do think that you're right that I would love to be able to speak universally and with confidence, but all I really know is what I've seen, so I'm going to have to leave the bigger questions up to the reader. I doubt that anybody's existential dilemmas will be answered by one of my poems, as much as I'd love to think they would.

So, yes the piece is coming out of real world experience, but my goal for the piece is for it to speak on a broader scale, so if it fails to do that then I want to know. If it was merely personal, I wouldn't put it here, so no worries on critiquing anything that you need to.

Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. Appreciate it.

lizziep

[zorcas]

Thank god for cell phones:
you never look around anymore.
Now you don't need to fire your rifle
out the window of your Firebird
at whatever bunny or chickadee
catches your predatory eye.

You don't need to speed along
gravel roads at midnight,
swerving to pick off raccoons
as if the thud under your truck
from their busting brains
earns you points in some video game.

You don't need to careen
into a neighbor's cornfield
—headlights off, doors open—
and slam the pedal to the floor
just to see what happens
[to make something happen].

You don't need to whack
mailboxes with your baseball bats,
or make up jokes with your dawgs
to throw at the ugly dog on her bike
or pin a pretty chick up against
the backside of the corner store.

You don't need to dispatch
your mom's hatchback into a ditch
on a dare, flipping your best friend
sixteen feet out the passenger window,
breaking his skull open on a tree,
dissolving both your lives at sixteen.

You don't seek ecstasy or boast destruction.
Now you sit next to your friends in silence—
phones lighting your faces from underneath
like expressionless paintings—
and the world goes on without you
as it should have all along.

This well written piece suggests to the reader that the poet universally ascribes to other young men men his own neurotic, hostility-driven impulses and perhaps acts. Surely most young males living without cell phones only on rare occasion came close to the behaviors ascribed to the crazed driver of cars-as-weapons wreaking havoc on man and beast, allegedly driven by boredom but  more likely by hatred of some kind. The poem might be redone with this in mind lest readers suspect most of the acts described were committed in fantasy or fact by the poems' creator.

[RiverNotch]

You keep talking about your America like I keep not-talking about my Philippines, and with a clear, moral voice, too. I'm jealous. 
Thank god for cell phones:
you never look around anymore.
Now you don't need to fire your rifle
out the window of your Firebird
at whatever bunny or chickadee
catches your predatory eye.

You don't need to speed along
gravel roads at midnight,
swerving to pick off raccoons
as if the thud under your truck
from their busting brains
earns you points in some video game. Slant rhyme makes for stronger thud. Nice.

You don't need to careen
into a neighbor's cornfield Careen don't sound right, it feels a little rare -- but then, it does alliterate with cornfield.
—headlights off, doors open—
and slam the pedal to the floor "Slam the pedal to the floor" sounds like you course-correcting away from the proverb....and hitting a tree.
just to see what happens
[to make something happen]. It's such a clean, classy font, and you use brackets!

You don't need to whack
mailboxes with your baseball bats, "Mailboxes" feels tame, plus it doesn't keep up with the rhythm of "whack/bats, baseball/bats".
or make up jokes with your dawgs I smell cultural appropriation here, on the part of these "men" -- being from a country who was once raped by America right as it was winning independence from Spain, I like this point a lot.
to throw at the ugly dog on her bike I'm sure "bitch" is the better word here -- the speaker already uses dog, so why not go for the more natural, plus alliteration. Lovely contrast between this and the next, though.
or pin a pretty chick up against I read part of the pin-up girl note from earlier, and yeah, that double edge enhances this.
the backside of the corner store. But the progression between whacking mailboxes to making jokes, though alliterative, feels a bit too rough -- probably "make up jokes" sounds too tame, not faux-ghetto enough. Something more.

You don't need to dispatch
your mom's hatchback into a ditch "don't-need-dispatch-ditch", "dispatch-hatchback-ditch" -- lovely, lovely use of sound.
on a dare, flipping your best friend But the dare just reads superfluous: akin to a joke overextended, plus ruins the next flurry of sound, the flipping [off -- hey! curious thought...]
sixteen feet out the passenger window, ....Wait, is this the probable scenario? Shouldn't it be the windshield?
breaking his skull open on a tree,
dissolving both your lives at sixteen. And at this point, the triple gerund also reads superfluous -- I think the skull line and this one could be fused.

In fact, if you consider my consideration of the whole's last thought, you may restructure this wholesale -- perhaps develop "flipping" into a mislead, adding "off", removing all the references to sixteen, and just going something like, "breaking open his skull on a tree / like popping corn with a gun", just with a less silly metaphor.

You don't seek ecstasy or boast destruction. You don't....seek? Man, the lead in is a bit distracting -- at least the first stanza variation was in the first stanza. And the switch isn't even a bold one, one that makes me think again: "seek ecstasy", "boast destruction", unnecessary summarizing abstracts. Change, please.
Now you sit next to your friends in silence—
phones lighting your faces from underneath
like expressionless paintings— Expressionless paintings, though it reads a pun, looks too flat to work -- I imagine the scene, and it looks like something from a horror show, if anything. Better something else -- something more vivid -- pun be damned.
and the world goes on without you
as it should have all along. I realize this is a somewhat personal point of view on the part of the speaker, but nothing in her (I'm assuming her because you're a her) betrays this level of....not conservatism....juvenoia? Close, but not exactly -- anyway, advising kids not to act stupid is all well and good, that's the function of you old folk, but rejoicing when they don't do anything (for the phones here are treated as dead ends, not as avenues of information -- I do most of my reading through ebooks nowadays, and sometimes draft or revise on phone) is essentially not wanting them to grow up, to experience things, to learn from their mistakes, or at least to be naturally selected out of the gene pool. And it's not like these bored American men have much to do better -- in fact, judging by the penultimate stanza, these days they're not even men yet. I remember when I was sixteen....which is very good perspective, in relation to this, since that's only three years ago. I'm sure the more you roll back, the more sixteen joins the workforce.

That is to say, if you're sticking with that sentiment, at least make it justifiable, and not, er, juvenoic -- make your "men" actually men, and make their actions more horrifying than self-destructive (and only self -- what's a mailbox?) hedonism. But overall, lovely work.

[Achebe]

Thank god for cell phones:
you never look around anymore.
Now you don't need to fire your rifle
out the window of your Firebird
at whatever bunny or chickadee .....I'm not a big fan of 'or', the conjunction of convenience in poetry. I also think that 'bunny' is too cute a word to use here, trying too hard to damn the subject when the rest of of the lines do the trick anyway
catches your predatory eye.

You don't need to speed along
gravel roads at midnight,
swerving to pick off raccoons
as if the thud under your truck
from their busting brains
earns you points in some video game. ....a fresh last line that rounds off the strophe splendidly

You don't need to careen
into a neighbor's cornfield
—headlights off, doors open—  ....reminds me of  cow tipping in 'Cars', strangely.
and slam the pedal to the floor
just to see what happens
[to make something happen].

You don't need to whack
mailboxes with your baseball bats,
or make up jokes with your dawgs
to throw at the ugly dog on her bike ...I actually like that you use 'dog' here. A 'dawg' / 'bitch' combo would have been too predictable
or pin a pretty chick up against
the backside of the corner store. .....nice one

You don't need to dispatch
your mom's hatchback into a ditch
on a dare, flipping your best friend
sixteen feet out the passenger window,
breaking his skull open on a tree,
dissolving both your lives at sixteen. ....too intrusive. this line sinks the strophe.

You don't seek ecstasy or boast destruction.
Now you sit next to your friends in silence—
phones lighting your faces from underneath ...Todd said this already - great image.
like expressionless paintings—
and the world goes on without you
as it should have all along. .........fantastic ending. Yeah, wankers removed from the gene pool at any age are no loss to the world, are they?

Lizzie - you're just getting better and better. This one was splendid.

[Lizzie]

This well written piece suggests to the reader that the poet universally ascribes to other young men men his own neurotic, hostility-driven impulses and perhaps acts. Surely most young males living without cell phones only on rare occasion came close to the behaviors ascribed to the crazed driver of cars-as-weapons wreaking havoc on man and beast, allegedly driven by boredom but  more likely by hatred of some kind. The poem might be redone with this in mind lest readers suspect most of the acts described were committed in fantasy or fact by the poems' creator.

Hi, zorcas. Are you saying that the subject or 'meaning' of the poem is not clear?

---

You keep talking about your America like I keep not-talking about my Philippines, and with a clear, moral voice, too. I'm jealous. 
Thank god for cell phones:
you never look around anymore.
Now you don't need to fire your rifle
out the window of your Firebird
at whatever bunny or chickadee
catches your predatory eye.

You don't need to speed along
gravel roads at midnight,
swerving to pick off raccoons
as if the thud under your truck
from their busting brains
earns you points in some video game. Slant rhyme makes for stronger thud. Nice.

You don't need to careen
into a neighbor's cornfield Careen don't sound right, it feels a little rare -- but then, it does alliterate with cornfield.
—headlights off, doors open—
and slam the pedal to the floor "Slam the pedal to the floor" sounds like you course-correcting away from the proverb....and hitting a tree. Which proverb?
just to see what happens
[to make something happen]. It's such a clean, classy font, and you use brackets! What's wrong with brackets? Are they too angular?

You don't need to whack
mailboxes with your baseball bats, "Mailboxes" feels tame, plus it doesn't keep up with the rhythm of "whack/bats, baseball/bats".
or make up jokes with your dawgs I smell cultural appropriation here, on the part of these "men" -- being from a country who was once raped by America right as it was winning independence from Spain, I like this point a lot. Oh, the stench of it is......pungent, for sure. It's interesting (not the right word) that people can be such bigots toward minorities and still act like adopting their manners of dress and speech makes them cooler??? I don't understand.
to throw at the ugly dog on her bike I'm sure "bitch" is the better word here -- the speaker already uses dog, so why not go for the more natural, plus alliteration. Lovely contrast between this and the next, though. I wonder if I never heard 'bitch' from the guys because you can't say that word in church! Ha, I jest, but I'm serious too. Surely bitch is what they meant, but they probably said dog because some words align you with the demons and some words don't (apparently).
or pin a pretty chick up against I read part of the pin-up girl note from earlier, and yeah, that double edge enhances this.
the backside of the corner store. But the progression between whacking mailboxes to making jokes, though alliterative, feels a bit too rough -- probably "make up jokes" sounds too tame, not faux-ghetto enough. Something more. You're right that 'making jokes' probably feels off in tone from what comes before and after. I need to evaluate this stanza because there might be too many things going on in it anyway.

You don't need to dispatch
your mom's hatchback into a ditch "don't-need-dispatch-ditch", "dispatch-hatchback-ditch" -- lovely, lovely use of sound.
on a dare, flipping your best friend But the dare just reads superfluous: akin to a joke overextended, plus ruins the next flurry of sound, the flipping [off -- hey! curious thought...] Heyyyyy.....you use brackets, why can't I?
sixteen feet out the passenger window, ....Wait, is this the probable scenario? Shouldn't it be the windshield? Ummm.....probably.
breaking his skull open on a tree,
dissolving both your lives at sixteen. And at this point, the triple gerund also reads superfluous -- I think the skull line and this one could be fused. Oh, fun fact about -ing endings: I just read that that's one of the linguistic structures favored by the King James Version of the Bible, and I wonder if that might be one of the reasons that I seem to reflexively go to this construction?

In fact, if you consider my consideration of the whole's last thought, you may restructure this wholesale -- perhaps develop "flipping" into a mislead, adding "off", removing all the references to sixteen, and just going something like, "breaking open his skull on a tree / like popping corn with a gun", just with a less silly metaphor.

You don't seek ecstasy or boast destruction. You don't....seek? Man, the lead in is a bit distracting -- at least the first stanza variation was in the first stanza. And the switch isn't even a bold one, one that makes me think again: "seek ecstasy", "boast destruction", unnecessary summarizing abstracts. Change, please. Agreed. This sentence is horrid.
Now you sit next to your friends in silence—
phones lighting your faces from underneath
like expressionless paintings— Expressionless paintings, though it reads a pun, looks too flat to work -- I imagine the scene, and it looks like something from a horror show, if anything. Better something else -- something more vivid -- pun be damned.
and the world goes on without you
as it should have all along. I realize this is a somewhat personal point of view on the part of the speaker, but nothing in her (I'm assuming her because you're a her) betrays this level of....not conservatism....juvenoia? Close, but not exactly -- anyway, advising kids not to act stupid is all well and good, that's the function of you old folk, but rejoicing when they don't do anything (for the phones here are treated as dead ends, not as avenues of information -- I do most of my reading through ebooks nowadays, and sometimes draft or revise on phone) is essentially not wanting them to grow up, to experience things, to learn from their mistakes, or at least to be naturally selected out of the gene pool. And it's not like these bored American men have much to do better -- in fact, judging by the penultimate stanza, these days they're not even men yet. I remember when I was sixteen....which is very good perspective, in relation to this, since that's only three years ago. I'm sure the more you roll back, the more sixteen joins the workforce.

That is to say, if you're sticking with that sentiment, at least make it justifiable, and not, er, juvenoic -- make your "men" actually men, and make their actions more horrifying than self-destructive (and only self -- what's a mailbox?) hedonism. But overall, lovely work.

So, it seems like I need to do a little bit more work convincing the reader that the feelings expressed at the end are warranted, yes? I actually view all of those actions as destructive of more than the self, but i won't go into a lengthy justification of them. It's not just hedonism. At the very least, there's a reckless disregard for the well being of others who are both in and outside of the car (there's always a vehicle full of friends and girlfriends), and complete disregard for the integrity of others' property and for others physical boundaries (not to mention, for the natural world). But, I will go back and re-evaluate the veracity of my examples.

I thank you greatly for all of your comments, River. Very helpful!

lizziep

---

Thank god for cell phones:
you never look around anymore.
Now you don't need to fire your rifle
out the window of your Firebird
at whatever bunny or chickadee .....I'm not a big fan of 'or', the conjunction of convenience in poetry. I also think that 'bunny' is too cute a word to use here, trying too hard to damn the subject when the rest of of the lines do the trick anyway Oh, I never heard it called that. Funny. About bunny, yes I'll drop it. I see what you're talking about. Kind of feels maudlin in a way. I actually used bunny and chickadee because those are animal words that are also used as references to women (kind of like chick), and I haven't found a direct way to talk about behavior in interpersonal relationships yet, so I'm sort of hinting at their character in that regard through their behavior toward weaker things in the natural world. Anyway, this is not a justification, just where my mind went. I will change.
catches your predatory eye.

You don't need to speed along
gravel roads at midnight,
swerving to pick off raccoons
as if the thud under your truck
from their busting brains
earns you points in some video game. ....a fresh last line that rounds off the strophe splendidly

You don't need to careen
into a neighbor's cornfield
—headlights off, doors open—  ....reminds me of  cow tipping in 'Cars', strangely.
and slam the pedal to the floor
just to see what happens
[to make something happen].

You don't need to whack
mailboxes with your baseball bats,
or make up jokes with your dawgs
to throw at the ugly dog on her bike ...I actually like that you use 'dog' here. A 'dawg' / 'bitch' combo would have been too predictable
or pin a pretty chick up against
the backside of the corner store. .....nice one

You don't need to dispatch
your mom's hatchback into a ditch
on a dare, flipping your best friend
sixteen feet out the passenger window,
breaking his skull open on a tree,
dissolving both your lives at sixteen. ....too intrusive. this line sinks the strophe. Gotcha.

You don't seek ecstasy or boast destruction.
Now you sit next to your friends in silence—
phones lighting your faces from underneath ...Todd said this already - great image.
like expressionless paintings—
and the world goes on without you
as it should have all along. .........fantastic ending. Yeah, wankers removed from the gene pool at any age are no loss to the world, are they?

Lizzie - you're just getting better and better. This one was splendid. Thanks for the helpful advice and the encouragement, Achebe. Glad it's working for you.