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Mind Your Business
Rush-hour intersection, red light, cars stop.
Old or middle-aged beat man stands,
clothes in tatters, transparent threads,
unfolds cardboard literature,
eyes glazed to beg in black letters to the blue and white
collar drivers on cell phones, air conditioning.
He signs between the lines of cars,
murmuring troll or father, thirst.
Ladies lock their doors. Men look the other way
until the light turns green and cars drive away.
just now witnessing some influence from DA. pesky subconscious..
Thanks to this Forum
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(09-16-2016, 08:42 PM)kolemath Wrote: Mind Your Business
Rush-hour intersection, red light, cars stop. I don't think "cars stop" is necessary, red light says as much.
Old or middle-aged beat man stands, I think your further description of the man makes "beat" obsolete.
clothes in tatters, transparent threads,
unfolds cardboard literature, I like this line.
eyes glazed to beg in black letters to the blue and white I like the line break, it makes me picture the sky.
collar drivers on cell phones, air conditioning. You could add somethibg before air conditioning, as it is it sort of seems like the drivers are "on air conditioning".
He signs between the lines of cars,
murmuring troll or father, thirst.
Ladies lock their doors. Men look the other way I'd change the period here to a comma, it's all one thought.
until the light turns green and cars drive away.
just now witnessing some influence from DA. pesky subconscious..
I'm not sure who DA is, it's probably really obvious and I'll feel stupid. I like the poem.
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You do very good descriptions. You caught me; I'm in my car looking away. This sounds like a beat poet giving angry social commentary about a stereotype. I really like how you say murmuring troll or father, because really, it could be. And the fact it's rush hour shows how many people are seeing the same thing. The title even drags me in, then slaps me in the face. Well done.
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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Thanks for the comments, folks
DA is the Duke! This poem carries the same theme as his unmet, if not a bit different is some ways of characters
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"Air conditioning" feels like it should be "air conditioned", seeing as it refers to the state of the drivers to whom the man is appealing. Also, dialogue marks around "troll", "father", and "thirst" would make that segment a little clearer, I think. Otherwise, this is a great piece. The main character is evoked beautifully in neatly clipped little sentence-clauses, as is the setting, while the satirical thrust in the depiction of the distracted urbanites is sharp and poignant. Thank you for the read; all critique is, of course, JMHO. - Jack xxx
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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I like how this captures a moment.
(09-16-2016, 08:42 PM)kolemath Wrote: Mind Your Business
Rush-hour intersection, red light, cars stop.
Old or middle-aged beat man stands,
clothes in tatters, transparent threads,
unfolds cardboard literature,...........................................A succinct and well painted scene.
eyes glazed to beg in black letters to the blue and white
collar drivers on cell phones, air conditioning..........................so like "collar drivers".
He signs between the lines of cars,
murmuring troll or father, thirst.........................................Just drop in "thirst" like that - very cool.
Ladies lock their doors. Men look the other way
until the light turns green and cars drive away...........................and so the moment is gone. The circle closed.
just now witnessing some influence from DA. pesky subconscious..
