The L Word

[zorcas]

                                                                                                      
Wine and a fire's crackling warmth.
Carnivorous wants cloaked
in anxious whispers.
Fluid familiar moves.
The asynchrony of two explosions.
A duet of gasps fading
to ragged breaths.
A repeat of expected rapture
but not expecting his arms
would keep holding her tightly.
He wanted this to never end.
This?
No.
Her.
A new kind of explosion
rose from a whisper to a voice
he never knew he had,
saying, while holding her happily
words he’d never said before.
.
 Wine and a fire's crackling warmth. EDIT 1
Carnivorous desires cloaked
in anxious whispers.
Familiar fluid moves.

The asynchrony of two explosions.
A duet of gasps softening to ragged breaths.
A repeat of expected rapture,

but not expecting his arms
would keep holding her closely.
He wanted this to never end.
A new feeling

prompted him to say,
while holding her contently,

words he’d never said before.

[baron]

[quote='zorcas' pid='218381' dateline='1476205435']
                                                                                                      
Wine and a fire's crackling warmth. / I think you're allowed to call it "the fire's"
Carnivorous wants cloaked / this adjective is very clunky being 4syllables and not really fitting, does "desires" fit better than wants?
in anxious whispers. / this and the line prior could use rephrasing, it's an odd enjambed line.
Fluid familiar moves. / fluid is not a verb, "Familiar fluid moves" makes actual sense here.
The asynchrony of two explosions. Quite nice imagery, one of the better lines imo
A duet of gasps fading / ok, well something dosent fade to somethng more intense, consider a different word here, but duet fits well despite the issue that calling something two unsynchronised explosions then immediately a duet conflicts the imagery a bit.
to ragged breaths. nice imagery, neat
A repeat of expected rapture / repeat? have they had sex already? I dont see where this "repeat" happens.
but not expecting his arms / see line below
would keep holding her tightly./ these 3 lines are very clunky and dont make a strong impression as I assume was intended, maybe rephrase into somethng punchier and less drawn out, this dosent surprise the reader as much as it bores them. For example, removing tightly makes little to no difference in the narrative and if omissed leaves the reader to illustrate the grasp, etc.
He wanted this to never end. / "He never wanted this to end." sounds cleaner
This? / see 2lines below
No. / see below
Her. / this dosent illustrate the mood as much as it bathetically undercuts it, these punchy enjambed lines only seem to punch themselves; coming across as cringey rather than the heartfelt passion you seek to demonstrate, consider revising
A new kind of explosion / this is taking the explosion metaphor a little too far, try reading this outloud and seeing if you are engaged or disengaged by this clunky throwback and reinvention of an explosion. It also makes no sense whatsoever. Consider revising.
rose from a whisper to a voice / yeah, I do not see what impression you're trying to leave, the difference between whispering and speaking isnt very much and whispering usually is more dramatic, consider removing.
he never knew he had, / this line and the two before it could be removed as ridiculous waffle and the poem would only be strengthened. Also I am SURE that he knew that aside from the bedroom he could stop "whisper(ing) and start speaking normally.
saying, while holding her happily / put a comma in after "happily" and change "happily" to a less naf word if feeling is meant to be conveyed.
words he’d never said before. / he only decides he loves her after fucking her? an odd conclusion and dosent leave the reader with much other than confusion imo, consider rephrasing.
.
 

I feel like this poem, due to weak and strange phrasings, undercuts any weight or feeling that it could ever convey. Much revising needed but thanks for sharing, these changes are just my personal problems and I enjoyed the read. (also the title is astoundingly un-subtle)

[Leanne]

                                                                                                      
Wine and a fire's crackling warmth. -- a lot of these full stops would probably work better as commas.  This is something of a list poem, and the full stops tend to give it a staccato that -- although it might fit with the rather animalistic sex in the initial part of the poem, tends toward cliche.
Carnivorous wants cloaked
in anxious whispers.
Fluid familiar moves. -- see, if they're fluid, you wouldn't have all these full stops.  A period is the last thing you need right now.
The asynchrony of two explosions.
A duet of gasps fading
to ragged breaths.
A repeat of expected rapture
but not expecting his arms
would keep holding her tightly. -- this is good use of italics, introducing a new and unexpected concept
He wanted this to never end.
This?
No.
Her. -- a line for each of these words is not really necessary.  A colon after no would do the job, with her up on the same line.  
A new kind of explosion
rose from a whisper to a voice -- this is a very passionate line, I like it a lot
he never knew he had,
saying, while holding her happily -- you need a comma after "happily"
words he’d never said before.
.
 

Hi Zorcas,

I find the spareness of the wording here to be effective in illustrating passion.  As I've noted, I do think some softening of the punctuation and perhaps joining together a few lines would not hurt.  The contrast between the two halves of the poem is evident without such obvious devices.  

Hope this helps.

[zorcas]

[quote='zorcas' pid='218381' dateline='1476205435']
                                                                                                      
Wine and a fire's crackling warmth,-- a lot of these full stops would probably work better as commas.  This is something of a list poem, and the full stops tend to give it a staccato that -- although it might fit with the rather animalistic sex in the initial part of the poem, tends toward cliche.
carnivorous wants cloaked
in anxious whispers,
familiar fluid moves. -- see, if they're fluid, you wouldn't have all these full stops.  A period is the last thing you need right now.
The asynchrony of two explosions,
a duet of gasps fading
to ragged breaths.
A repeat of expected rapture
but not expecting his arms
would keep holding her tightly. -- this is good use of italics, introducing a new and unexpected concept
He wanted this to never end.
This? No, her
a line for each of these words is not really necessary.  A colon after no would do the job, with her up on the same line.  
A new kind of explosion
rose from a whisper to a voice -- this is a very passionate line, I like it a lot
he never knew he had,
saying, while holding her happily,-- you need a comma after "happily"
words he’d never said before.
.
 

Hi Zorcas,

I find the spareness of the wording here to be effective in illustrating passion.  As I've noted, I do think some softening of the punctuation and perhaps joining together a few lines would not hurt.  The contrast between the two halves of the poem is evident without such obvious devices.  

Hope this helps.
[/quote]
Appreciate the comments and have applied them. Put the italics in assuming a signal was needed so readers wouldn't
quit what they thought was just another erotic poem.

---

[quote='zorcas' pid='218381' dateline='1476205435']
                                                                                                      
Wine and a fire's crackling warmth. / I think you're allowed to call it "the fire's"
Carnivorous wants cloaked / this adjective is very clunky being 4syllables and not really fitting, does "desires" fit better than wants?
in anxious whispers. / this and the line prior could use rephrasing, it's an odd enjambed line.
Fluid familiar moves. / fluid is not a verb, "Familiar fluid moves" makes actual sense here.
The asynchrony of two explosions. Quite nice imagery, one of the better lines imo
A duet of gasps fading / ok, well something dosent fade to somethng more intense, consider a different word here, but duet fits well despite the issue that calling something two unsynchronised explosions then immediately a duet conflicts the imagery a bit.
to ragged breaths. nice imagery, neat
A repeat of expected rapture / repeat? have they had sex already? I dont see where this "repeat" happens.
but not expecting his arms / see line below
would keep holding her tightly./ these 3 lines are very clunky and dont make a strong impression as I assume was intended, maybe rephrase into somethng punchier and less drawn out, this dosent surprise the reader as much as it bores them. For example, removing tightly makes little to no difference in the narrative and if omissed leaves the reader to illustrate the grasp, etc.
He wanted this to never end. / "He never wanted this to end." sounds cleaner
This? / see 2lines below
No. / see below
Her. / this dosent illustrate the mood as much as it bathetically undercuts it, these punchy enjambed lines only seem to punch themselves; coming across as cringey rather than the heartfelt passion you seek to demonstrate, consider revising
A new kind of explosion / this is taking the explosion metaphor a little too far, try reading this outloud and seeing if you are engaged or disengaged by this clunky throwback and reinvention of an explosion. It also makes no sense whatsoever. Consider revising.
rose from a whisper to a voice / yeah, I do not see what impression you're trying to leave, the difference between whispering and speaking isnt very much and whispering usually is more dramatic, consider removing.
he never knew he had, / this line and the two before it could be removed as ridiculous waffle and the poem would only be strengthened. Also I am SURE that he knew that aside from the bedroom he could stop "whisper(ing) and start speaking normally.
saying, while holding her happily / put a comma in after "happily" and change "happily" to a less naf word if feeling is meant to be conveyed.
words he’d never said before. / he only decides he loves her after fucking her? an odd conclusion and dosent leave the reader with much other than confusion imo, consider rephrasing.
.
 

I feel like this poem, due to weak and strange phrasings, undercuts any weight or feeling that it could ever convey. Much revising needed but thanks for sharing, these changes are just my personal problems and I enjoyed the read. (also the title is astoundingly un-subtle)

"A repeat of expected..." signal that they have done this sort of thing before so his shift to love would have developed over time. Gasps.

[dukealien]

                                                                                                      
Wine and a fire's crackling warmth.
Carnivorous wants cloaked  "Carnivorous wants" doesn't work for me - "I want to eat you up?"  Perhaps "Carnivore wants?"  Or even "omnivore?"
in anxious whispers.
Fluid familiar moves.  Nice alliteration
The asynchrony of two explosions.  Could this do without "the?"
A duet of gasps fading  Same with "A" here.
to ragged breaths.  Good enjambment.
A repeat of expected rapture  Better word than "A" needed.. "Repetition" for "A repeat," or perhaps "Instance?"
but not expecting his arms   First time through, this confused me:  is it the woman's  mental voice?  No, the man's.  Italics don't resolve the confusion, probably needs reworded slightly... perhaps "my" instead of "his?"
would keep holding her tightly.
He wanted this to never end.
This?
No.
Her.  Very nice - first intimation of care.
A new kind of explosion comparing care/love by reference to orgasm... more like foreplay or afterglow, don't you think?
rose from a whisper to a voice
he never knew he had,
saying, while holding her happily "happily" breaks the mood, jingly and insipid for this supreme moment.  "in happiness" or a less common adverb?
words he’d never said before. 
.
 

Difficult to criticize the sentiment, being a romantic and all.  But to work (see above).

I'm reminded of the (in)famous Pre-Raphaelite painting, "The Awakening Conscience" though the message there is sudden understanding that this is NOT love, and by the woman.  And in the picture, they're only intimate by Victorian standards.

This is a theme not much respected today, at least in with-it circles.  Maximum kudos for taking it, as it were, seriously.

Very much enjoyed!

[zorcas]

[quote='zorcas' pid='218381' dateline='1476205435']
                                                                                                      
Wine and a fire's crackling warmth. / I think you're allowed to call it "the fire's"
Carnivorous wants cloaked / this adjective is very clunky being 4syllables and not really fitting, does "desires" fit better than wants?
in anxious whispers. / this and the line prior could use rephrasing, it's an odd enjambed line.
Fluid familiar moves. / fluid is not a verb, "Familiar fluid moves" makes actual sense here.
The asynchrony of two explosions. Quite nice imagery, one of the better lines imo
A duet of gasps fading / ok, well something dosent fade to somethng more intense, consider a different word here, but duet fits well despite the issue that calling something two unsynchronised explosions then immediately a duet conflicts the imagery a bit.
to ragged breaths. nice imagery, neat
A repeat of expected rapture / repeat? have they had sex already? I dont see where this "repeat" happens.
but not expecting his arms / see line below
would keep holding her tightly./ these 3 lines are very clunky and dont make a strong impression as I assume was intended, maybe rephrase into somethng punchier and less drawn out, this dosent surprise the reader as much as it bores them. For example, removing tightly makes little to no difference in the narrative and if omissed leaves the reader to illustrate the grasp, etc.
He wanted this to never end. / "He never wanted this to end." sounds cleaner
This? / see 2lines below
No. / see below
Her. / this dosent illustrate the mood as much as it bathetically undercuts it, these punchy enjambed lines only seem to punch themselves; coming across as cringey rather than the heartfelt passion you seek to demonstrate, consider revising
A new kind of explosion / this is taking the explosion metaphor a little too far, try reading this outloud and seeing if you are engaged or disengaged by this clunky throwback and reinvention of an explosion. It also makes no sense whatsoever. Consider revising.
rose from a whisper to a voice / yeah, I do not see what impression you're trying to leave, the difference between whispering and speaking isnt very much and whispering usually is more dramatic, consider removing.
he never knew he had, / this line and the two before it could be removed as ridiculous waffle and the poem would only be strengthened. Also I am SURE that he knew that aside from the bedroom he could stop "whisper(ing) and start speaking normally.
saying, while holding her happily / put a comma in after "happily" and change "happily" to a less naf word if feeling is meant to be conveyed.
words he’d never said before. / he only decides he loves her after fucking her? an odd conclusion and dosent leave the reader with much other than confusion imo, consider rephrasing.
.
 

I feel like this poem, due to weak and strange phrasings, undercuts any weight or feeling that it could ever convey. Much revising needed but thanks for sharing, these changes are just my personal problems and I enjoyed the read. (also the title is astoundingly un-subtle)

Un-subtle? Some others couldn't fiigger it out!
 After letting your comments percolate, made most of your suggested changes and though some weren't used, they jiggered me brain,  prompting a few others. Amazed that, despite what I thought was a very lean poem, your ideas not only improved it but led to its shortening! Think I'll try you out on a two liner sometime! Thanks!

P.S. For the sexual amateurs out there, there was them there clues  indicating that this was not the first time those two had entangled their bods, perhaps ever with others, though not necessarily  all together.

[Lizzie]

Hello, zorcas

Ok, so I think you've gone a step backward with the revision, I'm sorry to say. There are two parts that you cut which I felt were particularly beautiful in the first version. First, "This? No. Her" was really quite lovely. I would have italicized 'her' for extra emphasis. It showed us real care for the other and true adoration for her person which doesn't show up quite as strongly in the second version. Second,  "A new kind of explosion rose from a whisper to a voice" was beautiful, and I strongly urge you to believe Leanne when she says that this is a worthy bit of writing. The piece suffers from its absence.

Ok, about the title: I actually would think about coming up with something else if you don't intend to refer to lesbian love. There's a very popular TV show called "The L Word" that's on this topic, and, I'm sure you won't get sued for plagiarism or anything at this stage, but I'd consider coming up with something unique.

Ok, a few line comments:

 Wine and a fire's crackling warmth. EDIT 1 -- this first line has no verb. I'm a stickler for full sentences. As this is serious, I feel I must be picky.
Carnivorous desires cloaked
in anxious whispers. -- 'anxious whispers' has good sonics
Familiar fluid moves. -- content wise, I have no issues with these first lines. 'Fluid moves' has good sonics, and it's a beautiful set up. I'm on the fence about whether the previous sentence is complete or not -- this one is technically complete, but the repeated full stops abrupt the reading and they are making the reading unnecessarily unpleasant.

The asynchrony of two explosions. -- good sonics here too, but it's not a complete sentence! Grrr....
A duet of gasps softening to ragged breaths. -- I liked this sentence better in the original version. 'Gasps' does not move well into 'softening' for me because I have to make such a deliberate effort to fully stop gasps to avoid just running the two words together. Also, soft moving into ragged seems strange from an imagery standpoint.
A repeat of expected rapture, -- good sonics

but not expecting his arms
would keep holding her closely. -- I like the use of italics to indicate more of an inner monologue at this moment.
He wanted this to never end. -- borderline cliche, and uninteresting phrasing. What is "this"?
A new feeling

prompted him to say,
while holding her contently, -- 'contently' is only slightly better than 'happily.' And shouldn't it be contentedly? I dislike adverbs because you usually don't need them if you've chosen an impactful verb and kept it in an active form. This sentence needs to be restructured so that he is not being upstaged by "feeling" and relegated to a clause. Both 'prompted' and 'holding' feel too mild for this passionate moment.

words he’d never said before.

So, again I think you've got some really good material between this one and the original version. I would strongly recommend bringing back the beautiful elements from the original that you eliminated.

Hope this helps! Best to you,

lizziep

[Ton Romus]

Wine and a fire's crackling warmth. >>> right out of the gate the image falls flat because its utter cliché
Carnivorous wants cloaked
in anxious whispers. >>> carnal desires being expressed? I say get down and dirty and give me something that is visually stimulating to represent what you're trying to tell...
Fluid familiar moves. >>> familiar to who? are we going aquatic?
The asynchrony of two explosions. >>> doesn't it seem that words like "explosion" in a passion setting etc. are for Hallmark?
A duet of gasps fading >>> trying to hard (obviously) to be poetic IMO
to ragged breaths. "ragged" in this context is just old and torn. I'd like something original and fresh...  
A repeat of expected rapture >>> words like "rapture" are worthless IMO
but not expecting his arms
would keep holding her tightly. >>> this again is pushing the cliché peddle to the floor.
He wanted this to never end. >>> all in all, entirely too much tell + cliché and very little (if any) compelling imagery...
 
This?
No.
Her.
A new kind of explosion
rose from a whisper to a voice >>> rather than tell (which is very easy to do) why don't you work on this and find a way to convey via imagery this "new kind of explosion"
he never knew he had,
saying, while holding her happily >>> abstractions like "happily" are unfit for good poetry IMO
words he’d never said before. >>> OK, then actually use these words rather than tell about them...

[UselessBlueprint]

Wine and a fire's crackling warmth. (Why so many fragments??)
Carnivorous desires cloaked (Cloaked? That word makes the image hard for me to reconcile. Not the worst choice, but I feel you can find a better word with a bit more thought)
in anxious whispers.
Familiar fluid moves.(These fragments turn this into a laundry list of sorts.)

The asynchrony of two explosions. (This fragment might be the worst of all. "Two asynchronous explosions" would be far better, as it directs attention to actual things, not an abstract quality about those things.)
A duet of gasps softening to ragged breaths.
A repeat of expected rapture,

but not expecting his arms
would keep holding her closely. (Whose head are we in here? His or hers?)
He wanted this to never end. (ah, the cliches come in. everything here and beyond isn't too noteworthy.)
A new feeling

prompted him to say, 
while holding her contently,

words he’d never said before.

Late critique, didn't have the time to finish when I first started. Anyway...

It seems my critique is very similar to lizziep's...

It's a brief scene, but perhaps uses too many words to convey it. It felt cliche to a point of disgust, in my opinion. As Lizziep pointed out, the fragments are extremely destructive to this piece. It seems to me like you can't decide on how to write this poem. Sonics are present, but lacking. In most situations, they don't seem to add much to the piece, save for the rapture line.

[zorcas]

Wine and a fire's crackling warmth. (Why so many fragments??)
Carnivorous desires cloaked (Cloaked? That word makes the image hard for me to reconcile. Not the worst choice, but I feel you can find a better word with a bit more thought)
in anxious whispers.
Familiar fluid moves.(These fragments turn this into a laundry list of sorts.)

The asynchrony of two explosions. (This fragment might be the worst of all. "Two asynchronous explosions" would be far better, as it directs attention to actual things, not an abstract quality about those things.)
A duet of gasps softening to ragged breaths.
A repeat of expected rapture,

but not expecting his arms
would keep holding her closely. (Whose head are we in here? His or hers?)
He wanted this to never end. (ah, the cliches come in. everything here and beyond isn't too noteworthy.)
A new feeling

prompted him to say, 
while holding her contently,

words he’d never said before.

Late critique, didn't have the time to finish when I first started. Anyway...

It seems my critique is very similar to lizziep's...

It's a brief scene, but perhaps uses too many words to convey it. It felt cliche to a point of disgust, in my opinion. As Lizziep pointed out, the fragments are extremely destructive to this piece. It seems to me like you can't decide on how to write this poem. Sonics are present, but lacking. In most situations, they don't seem to add much to the piece, save for the rapture line.

Some really definitive critiques, especially when echoed by others, lead to the conclusion that this effort would be most happy buried, so consider it done. Thanks for recognizing you're doctors, not medical examiners!

[Sparkydashforth]

Hi Zorcas, I find myseld wanting more subtlety and nuance in this work. For me it has  too much of a bodice ripping,
Mills and Boon romance quality it it.
                                                                                                      
Wine and a fire's crackling warmth............too clichéd an approach for me.
Carnivorous wants cloaked
in anxious whispers.........................I like the two lines but I want more erotic imagery
I', missing the tactile aspect.
 Fluid familiar moves.
The asynchrony of two explosions.
A duet of gasps fading.....................like these lines, but again give me something to look at.
to ragged breaths.
A repeat of expected rapture
but not expecting his arms
would keep holding her tightly..............illustrate this more, paint the words into images.
He wanted this to never end.............Horrible line, too well worn a phrase
This?
No.
Her.
A new kind of explosion
rose from a whisper to a voice
he never knew he had,
saying, while holding her happily
words he’d never said before...................all too blah and prosaic.
.
 Wine and a fire's crackling warmth. EDIT 1
Carnivorous desires cloaked
in anxious whispers.
Familiar fluid moves.

The asynchrony of two explosions.
A duet of gasps softening to ragged breaths...............I like the edit, up to a point.
It still needs more tactility however.

As it stands I would keep the first 5 lines.

Hope my remarks help, it's not my intent to be harsh....I do like
a few of your lines, and hope you will revise and conquer!





 A repeat of expected rapture,

but not expecting his arms
would keep holding her closely.
He wanted this to never end.
A new feeling

prompted him to say,
while holding her contently,

words he’d never said before.