Sonnet I

[Rogo]

Sonnet I



“I”  “ebbing petal”  “folds half-open”  “against jet quiet”


“Am a body”  “of parts”  “amassed”  “in living distances”


“Rejecting”  “place, ceded”  “ within this computer”  “of stars”


“A face”  “of faces, it blinks”

[CRNDLSM]

It's a sonnet because of the syllables? The quotations mean nothing to me since they are all quotes. Are they all cliches? are they all random connects from within your computer that just happened to make rational sentences? Reformatted here to consider each quote

I
ebbing petal
folds half open
against jet quiet (i like jet quiet, like jet black, yet jets can be very loud)
am a body
of parts
amassed
in living distances (what are living distances, like miles apaart intellectually?)
rejecting
place, ceded
within this computer
of stars
a face
of faces, it blinks, (the face blinks, the computer blinks)

In a way this reminds me of a contract signing, (I, the underlined, am all these things, and this) Sonnet I seems like you have many more of these, and I'd like to see a connection to them

[tectak]

Sonnet I



“I”  “ebbing petal”  “folds half-open”  “against jet quiet”


“Am a body”  “of parts”  “amassed”  “in living distances”


“Rejecting”  “place, ceded”  “ within this computer”  “of stars”


“A face”  “of faces, it blinks”

Please remember which forum you are in. If you want this to be moved just say so. It is unlikely that you will receive useful crit in the Serious Workshopping Forum.
Mod

[RiverNotch]

Sonnet I



“I”  “ebbing petal”  “folds half-open”  “against jet quiet”


“Am a body”  “of parts”  “amassed”  “in living distances”


“Rejecting”  “place, ceded”  “ within this computer”  “of stars”


“A face”  “of faces, it blinks”

I kinda like this --- sorta refreshing. I can't give anymore, though, it's so bare --- my betters probably can, though never to the same level "serious" often entails. Considering said bareness, might I suggest moving this to the "short poetry" section?

I read two versions of this, by the way. The first is the first post, the second is CRNDLSM's recension. This version actually reads well, better breath and emphasis is developed, but I only fully understood it, both as a "sonnet" and as a sentence, reading the second. I do wish there was a way to combine the two. My interpretation, and probably due to lately obsessing over Plath, is that this is a suicide poem, same in arrangement of themes as her poem Ariel, but vastly differing in scope (this seems larger) and depth (that was definitely deeper, fuller -- but no problem).

[Donald Q.]

Sonnet I



“I”  “ebbing petal”  “folds half-open”  “against jet quiet”


“Am a body”  “of parts”  “amassed”  “in living distances”


“Rejecting”  “place, ceded”  “ within this computer”  “of stars”


“A face”  “of faces, it blinks”

Firstly the formatting; frankly I'm unsure about it. I think it is double odd because you have titled it as a sonnet, which it basically isn't. I can see how this presentation is linked into the poem's content with the 'body of parts amassed', and I guess you want to talk about the constructed, the synthetic. It's an interesting subject matter, but difficult, and I think you need to play around with both the content and presentation a bit more. 
Also I don't understand why there is only those two commas. 
Another perspective; your poem without its formatting and breaks, as almost a single sentence (Punctuation decided by me based on your intent)
I, ebbing petal, folds half-open against jet quiet, am a body of parts amassed in living distances, rejecting place, ceded within this computer of stars; a face of faces. It blinks.
I think it is useful to look at various permutations of what you have written, so you can be sure you are presenting it in the way that you want or need to. Interested to read it again, but I think you need to consider your options first.

[Rogo]

It's a sonnet because of the syllables?   The quotations mean nothing to me since they are all quotes.  Are they all cliches? are they all random connects from within your computer that just happened to make rational sentences?  Reformatted here to consider each quote

I
ebbing petal
folds half open
against jet quiet  (i like jet quiet, like jet black, yet jets can be very loud)
am a body
of parts
amassed
in living distances  (what are living distances, like miles apaart intellectually?)
rejecting
place, ceded
within this computer
of stars
a face
of faces, it blinks, (the face blinks, the computer blinks)

In a way this reminds me of a contract signing, (I, the underlined, am all these things, and this)  Sonnet I seems like you have many more of these, and I'd like to see a connection to them

No, they're not quotes nor cliches — all of them are original phrases. The quotation marks exist to control the temporality of the lines, similar to Alice Notley's Descent of Alette. Many literary theorists consider the sonnet to be dialectic in its ability to shift images and drama (often hinting at conversation/argument), which is central to the idea behind this poem.

Your comment about computers and contracts is pretty appropriate and moving in the right direction! 

I kinda like this --- sorta refreshing. I can't give anymore, though, it's so bare --- my betters probably can, though never to the same level "serious" often entails. Considering said bareness, might I suggest moving this to the "short poetry" section?

I read two versions of this, by the way. The first is the first post, the second is CRNDLSM's recension. This version actually reads well, better breath and emphasis is developed, but I only fully understood it, both as a "sonnet" and as a sentence, reading the second. I do wish there was a way to combine the two. My interpretation, and probably due to lately obsessing over Plath, is that this is a suicide poem, same in arrangement of themes as her poem Ariel, but vastly differing in scope (this seems larger) and depth (that was definitely deeper, fuller -- but no problem).

I can definitely see the Plath interpretation, which is both interesting take on it and a valid one as well. It's not the exact idea behind the poem, but that's pretty much the point.  

Firstly the formatting; frankly I'm unsure about it. I think it is double odd because you have titled it as a sonnet, which it basically isn't. I can see how this presentation is linked into the poem's content with the 'body of parts amassed', and I guess you want to talk about the constructed, the synthetic. It's an interesting subject matter, but difficult, and I think you need to play around with both the content and presentation a bit more. 
Also I don't understand why there is only those two commas. 
Another perspective; your poem without its formatting and breaks, as almost a single sentence (Punctuation decided by me based on your intent)
I, ebbing petal, folds half-open against jet quiet, am a body of parts amassed in living distances, rejecting place, ceded within this computer of stars; a face of faces. It blinks.
I think it is useful to look at various permutations of what you have written, so you can be sure you are presenting it in the way that you want or need to. Interested to read it again, but I think you need to consider your options first.

What makes you unsure of the formatting? (I would just like some specifics)

Yea, it's technically not a sonnet in that it's not iambic pentameter nor rhymed, but the logic and images are attempting to follow that of a sonnet's — similar to Ted Berrigan's (at least, that's the idea). I'm trying to make the connections sonically to do what rhymes do, but that's proving to be rather difficult. 

The commas are something I'm unsure about as well, I felt like they would prevent confusion, but I'm starting to think that isn't a negative thing. Forcing the reader to create mental punctuation might help me accomplish what I'm trying to do. 

[Leanne]

Hi Rogo, I've read this through several times over the last few days and keep returning, which is always a good sign.  I find your assertion that this is a sonnet, and titling it only as the first of many without giving anything further away in the title, to be both brave and accurate -- this is lyrical, it has two distinct sections, it has a clear volta and there is a resolution of conflict (of sorts).  In essence, it is a sonnet.  I feel that the sparseness can be carried even further, particularly given that the main theme I get is one of the peculiar connected disconnection of the internet.  

Sonnet I



“I”  “ebbing petal”  “folds half-open”  “against jet quiet” -- "against" jars for me. I wonder if dropping it would help?  You don't really need a preposition as your use of quotation marks serves to keep these phrases discrete.  The danger is that it would seem that the petal itself is quiet.  "jet quiet [something]"? I do like the antithesis of jet/quiet.


“Am a body”  “of parts”  “amassed”  “in living distances” -- using your quote marks to delineate is rather undermined by the grammatical structure of this line -- these are not discrete elements.  My gut feeling is that you would be better served to make this a sonnet entirely composed of image flashes, shifts in emotion, changes in perspective etc rather than wasting words like "of" and "in".  If you want to let the reader make his/her own punctuation, then let him/her decide on prepositions as well.


“Rejecting”  “place, ceded”  “ within this computer”  “of stars”


“A face”  “of faces, it blinks” -- this is far and away my favourite line.  It leaves a clear, quite disturbing image of cold humanity.  

[Reflection]

Sonnet I



“I”  “ebbing petal”  “folds half-open”  “against jet quiet”


“Am a body”  “of parts”  “amassed”  “in living distances”


“Rejecting”  “place, ceded”  “ within this computer”  “of stars”


“A face”  “of faces, it blinks”

Reads like matrix, the first four lines of a sonnet, are the next four lines written, interesting

[Achebe]

Hi Rogo - I think it's a clever poem. But I also think that the quotation marks can mislead. I spent the last several days thinking that this was some sort of delicious word anagram, and tried to get the sequencing right...but was ultimately frustrated because it's not an anagram. 
Until I read your clarification I had no way of knowing.
If it's to be read in sequence as written, I don't see the point of the quotation marks.