Brave Spectator

[JSquareVlogs]

It is worth mentioning that I am deeply excited to see this is a community of people who appear to provide amazing and helpful feedback for each other's work. I am really quite sad I haven't found this place before now, but here's my first contribution. Thank you in advance!
 
1st Edit:
 
It’s easy to be brave from here
because the mountains are miles away
and I’ve never carried a pack.
 
Three days from now
I’ll crawl halfway up a rockfall
while my courage looks on
from a grove of aspens.
 
There’s a fishing pole strapped to my back.
A solitary arm waving erratically
begging for a white flag to be run up the line.
 
The mountain has me lassoed 
like a signal corps recruit
or some uncoordinated beetle,
and looking back now and again
I still find my brave spectator
trembling in the tree line.



Original:
 
It’s easy to be brave from here
Because the mountains are miles away
And I’ve never carried a pack.
 
Three days from now
I’ll crawl halfway up a rockfall
While my bravery stays behind in a grove of aspens.
 
Above my right shoulder
The mountain has me lassoed 
By a fishing-pole.
 
I'll claw my way up that hill—
 
A signal corps recruit,
Or some great uncoordinated beetle
Looking back now and again
to find my brave spectator
Trembling in the tree line.

[Leanne]

Hi JJ. What I like most about this poem is that I can read it several different ways and it still works. It can be someone worrying about a literal mountain climb, or the mountain as a metaphor for a challenge. It can mean that the climber recognises that an 'armchair critic' has an artificial bravery as opposed to the doer, who feels fear but does it anyway. It could be that the climb itself is only wishful thinking. I find that it doesn't matter what the poem specifically means, because of its rather elegant layers.

I wonder if you'd consider changing the title, perhaps to only 'Brave'? The phrase 'brave spectator is lovely, and it would be a shame to lose its power in pointless repetition.

Also, 'some great uncoordinated beetle' is very wordy. I like the image but would prefer the phrasing to be more succinct.

Glad to have you aboard!

[Achebe]

It is worth mentioning that I am deeply excited to see this is a community of people who appear to provide amazing and helpful feedback for each other's work. I am really quite sad I haven't found this place before now, but here's my first contribution. Thank you in advance!

It’s easy to be brave from here
Because the mountains are miles away
And I’ve never carried a pack.
 
Three days from now
I’ll crawl halfway up a rockfall
While my bravery stays behind in a grove of aspens.
 
Above my right shoulder
The mountain has me lassoed
By a fishing-pole.

I'll claw my way up that hill—

A signal corps recruit,
Or some great uncoordinated beetle
Looking back now and again
to find my brave spectator
Trembling in the tree line.

Being a bit of a hiker myself, I love this piece.
I like how you're always in control of the metre. I see Leanne's point that 'uncoordinated' is a bit on the wordy side, but it's not bad enough to spoil the line for me.
I also like how you've looped back to the beginning in the last line
That said, the following suggestions:
1. A fishing pole doesn't lasso. So you'd have to go with some other word there (not 'hooked', that'd be cliched)
2. If the personification of bravery is trembling in the shade, then who's climbing with you? the personification of fear? That's not the sense I get from the poem. It might make more sense to replace 'bravery' with 'bluster'. Because you need courage to carry on with you, but you can leave the for-others fake display of courage behind. Or something on those lines.

[Lizzie]

Can I just say that this piece has lots of terrific visual imagery and that's what I like in a poem. So, yay for writing the way I personally enjoy Which is neither here nor there, but it's always good to know that your work is enjoyable.

Especially the beetle bit  

I kept coming back to that bit, and I'll never look at a mountain climber the same way again. Yeah, you could probably simplify the line ala, 'an uncoordinated beetle' 'some uncoordinated beetle' but I hope that you keep the image. It works overtime.

I'm excited to see that you have a lit background. It's always nice to have people here that can give good critique like you can. Critique on, good sir or madam!

[just mercedes]

Hi and welcome to the Pen. I like what you're doing here, with an extended metaphor playing off against the actual scene. They're reinforced by each other. 



It is worth mentioning that I am deeply excited to see this is a community of people who appear to provide amazing and helpful feedback for each other's work. I am really quite sad I haven't found this place before now, but here's my first contribution. Thank you in advance!

It’s easy to be brave from here
Because the mountains are miles away
And I’ve never carried a pack.
 
Three days from now
I’ll crawl halfway up a rockfall
While my bravery stays behind in a grove of aspens.   For me this line flattens out the effect built up by the short lines. Maybe a line break after 'behind' would help. 
 
Above my right shoulder
The mountain has me lassoed
By a fishing-pole. I don't get the lasso/fishing-pole together

I'll claw my way up that hill—  hint of the beetle to come

A signal corps recruit, 
Or some great uncoordinated beetle This line feels a bit clunky too. Great image though. 
Looking back now and again
to find my brave spectator
Trembling in the tree line.  good hook back into the poem, and clever the 'trembling' aspens

I was stuck on the 'signal corps recruit' until I pictured a climber on a rock face, limbs splayed in positions used by signal corps to form messages with flags. Recruit, because clumsy, so untrained yet?

I enjoyed reading this, thank you for posting.

[RiverNotch]

It’s easy to be brave from here
Because the mountains are miles away
And I’ve never carried a pack. I'm very, very, very minutely confused as to what pack is supposed to refer to here.
 
Three days from now
I’ll crawl halfway up a rockfall
While my bravery stays behind in a grove of aspens. A very breathy line. It looks kinda weird on paper, but it works when read closely -- the length somewhat emphasizes the bathos. Since the one time I climbed a mountain I gave up a third of the way up, the best *memory* I have of mountains is Strauss, so that I read this as the speaker's mind climbing, but his body staying at the lower levels -- or his body climbing, but his true self being out of it. A cool stanza.
 
Above my right shoulder
The mountain has me lassoed
By a fishing-pole. Shouldn't it be with? And yes, as earlier noted, fishing poles don't lasso (and aren't hyphenated, either), although I personally tolerate this.

I'll claw my way up that hill— It's a little weird, how the speaker seems to alternate between confidence (up that hill, to be brave from here) and the lack of it (claw/crawl, bravery stays behind, it's easy...because the mountains). I suppose that's how the emotions run, but even individual sentences (again, claw...up that hill) alternate, so it's a bit more inconsistent than I'd like.

A signal corps recruit, Comma unneeded.
Or some great uncoordinated beetle And now I'm seeing a local rhinoceros beetle upturned and screaming. It's adorable, and I'm just being ridiculous. A lovely line.
Looking back now and again
to find my brave spectator A capital T. I'm reading "brave spectator" to be ironic, and I suppose the next line supports that -- it echos "great dictator", which is a nice and timely but probably unconscious touch. Oh, and returning to the capital: might I suggest going the more modern route, and removing all the capitals from the first words of lines (bar those that start sentences) instead?
Trembling in the tree line.

Although, reading it again and again, "brave" feels a bit overused. The title definitely doesn't need it -- I bet there's something cleverer for that -- and perhaps the "brave" in the second stanza? Otherwise, lovely work.

[Todd]

Hi welcome to the site, let me give you some comments on your poem.

The use of brave is a bit problematic. You use it in the title, the first line, and a couple other times. I don't think the repetition adds to the poem much. If I were going to cut down on the uses of the word, my preference would be to leave the title alone because I like the semi-ironic idea of being a brave spectator. Bravery is usually demonstrated by action and I like the subtle dig in the title. The further uses of the word for me at least weakens the poem.

It’s easy to be brave from here--I will admit though to liking the easy tone of these three lines in the opening strophe.
Because the mountains are miles away--This mountain idea you introduce and expand upon is a versatile literal and metaphorical foundation. Optionally, you could choose to overlay another layer into the poem--basically running a metaphor and literal interpretation in parallel rather than keeping it open.  It may not necessarily be better but might open up some creative space for you which is good to do sometimes in the early part of revision.
And I’ve never carried a pack.--This is the bravery that comes from a lack of experience, the fools rush in sort of bravery. 
 
Three days from now
I’ll crawl halfway up a rockfall
While my bravery stays behind in a grove of aspens.--This could easily be replaced with courage. Though it might be a better choice to simply imply fear in the image (shivering of the leaves, maybe or some such).
 
Above my right shoulder
The mountain has me lassoed
By a fishing-pole.--This phrasing felt awkward to me.

I'll claw my way up that hill— --I don't see what this adds as a standalone line that "I'll crawl halfway up a rockfall" didn't give you already. I also think claw my way borders on cliche.

A signal corps recruit,
Or some great uncoordinated beetle--Condense this a bit. It seems a tad clunky.
Looking back now and again
to find my brave spectator--No need to go back to the title here.
Trembling in the tree line.--See this is what I was sort of talking about earlier on the aspen line above. Something quick and subtle rather than the longer line above. Good ending.

I hope the comments help some. 

Best,

Todd

[JSquareVlogs]

Thank you so much to all the wonderful comments! Really opened my eyes to some of the gaps between what I was trying to say and what the reader perceived. In this case the image of me with my pack and a fishing pole extending up was lost in the original version (and with it the imagery of the mountain having lassoed me, of me being a signal corps recruit, and of me being a beetle with antennae). I'm not sure if my edit has made it much clearer, but I hope so. I also liked the suggestion to go with more contemporary styling and drop the capital lines. Thanks again!

-JJ