Duracell Doesn't Cut It. (content)

[billy]

The bunny hops onto the screen
with batteries up its ass
while we get told from black and gold
“don’t let this offer pass”
they last longer so it’s said
as bunny keeps on hopping
so if your wise and full of sense
you’ll get some when you’re shopping

when I feel my ass is low
and needs a surge of juice
I won’t be buying batteries
I’ll just be letting loose
a battery lasting longer
may be fine and dandy
to slip inside a vi..brator
when you’re feeling randy

but if they really want to please
and make the buyer happy
there is one thing that they could do
especially for this chappy
instead of one that lasts a while
why can’t some clever Trevor
make the battery have more power
and last for fucking ever ?

[addy]

Well played, sir.

Technically it's sound, with just a few rough spots on the enjambment which may be intentional for the informal feel. Once again, you demonstrate your weird sense of humor.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback addy i'll see what i can do about it in an edit.

[LiteraryAntiquity]

Brilliantly witty and totally a sense of humour I can get on board with. I'd only change the piece as follows: 'why can’t some clever Trevor make the battery have more power' The only reason I say this is because your intention is for 'Trevor' to rhyme with 'Ever', if I am correct, but due to the fact we read 'Power' first it looks like a very forced rhyme right before the end. After an epic comedy poem I think you should choose a word further from the rhyming pattern to go 'tween. I think that's about it on a critical front. I really liked it Billy.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback LF

i'll certainly think about what you said.