A Few Lines Decomposed

[Erthona]

A Few Lines Decomposed
 
diagonally
darter flies on wind
a level foe never be
 
 
erthona
 
©2017

[RiverNotch]

the thrill of watching
trains of thought in transit --
filling in the blanks

[or at least that's how reading this piece feels. I can't say if I actually like this formlessness, only that it is -- and it all sounds good, so I suppose in some ways this is a success]

[Lizzie]

A Few Lines Decomposed
 
diagonally
darter flies on wind
a level foe never be
 
 
erthona
 
©2017

This, for me, is the essence of haiku, simple yet profound observation. So, syllables be damned, I say!

I'm missing a 'will' in the last line, but it's not necessary. And I don't know where I'd put it either. Before 'foe' maybe?

I like it better with diagonally in the middle:

    darter flies on wind
                                   diagonally
                    a level foe
                                   he'll never be

Ish? What say you?

---

P.S. River: if you make the last line something more 'train-ish', you'd have a nice little phrase there yourself.