Goodbye Kiss

[crimsonqueen]

Goodbye to light of day, she’ll pass to other lands
To kiss the skin of those beyond horizon’s end
To shine most bright in final warmth upon cold hands
As fair as noon or more, still smiles to those who wend

Should wind be kind, and by good fortune, northern bound
Twould sweep the ash of burnt out sun to place of night
Where favored tree she’d seen arise from neath the ground
Who by her light grew tall and lesson neared her height

The willow weeps against the breeze that passes through
Recalls the beauty light above, with warmth, would breed
While grass is stained by tears with none to melt the dew
And soil is barren now with none to nurse the seed

Yet son of sun look up and turn your cheek to sky
To let the sun, with one more ray, give kiss goodbye

[Leanne]

Hi CQ, it's always nice to see a sonnet. There are many things to like here and the first is the meter -- it took me a minute to get my rhythm on for the hexameter but you continue it well throughout and it's a nice strong frame for your words. There are some clever tricks and turns of phrase, like "should wind be kind", and I really like "the willow weeps against the breeze that passes through".

The one thing that makes this an awkward read for me is the inconsistent use of articles. The whole thing is quite abbreviated, grammar-wise, and there's no real reason to do that. Once or twice might be ok, but after a while it reads as though you're jamming your words in to fit meter and rhyme, when the opposite really should be true. The rhyme shouldn't dictate the words you choose -- if they don't work, change the rhyme. Sometimes it becomes a little nonsensical, like you're trying to just fit too many ideas into 14 little lines, e.g. "who by her light grew tall and lesson neared her height". Lesson? This just comes out of the blue.

There is nothing wrong with elevating your language in poetry but you do have to be careful that you're not alienating your readers when you do so. For example, "those who wend" -- wend where? Wend isn't really an action, it's more of a specific way to perform an action, like screwing. (Well, not like screwing per se, but the action is not dissimilar -- you have to screw something, just as you have to wend through or along something.)

Now, this is mild critique so I won't go into too much detail. I think there's a sweet sonnet here that's presently losing direction via unclear grammar and too many ideas. I'd love to see you find the thread that means the most here and tease it out.

[crimsonqueen]

Hi CQ, it's always nice to see a sonnet.  There are many things to like here and the first is the meter -- it took me a minute to get my rhythm on for the hexameter but you continue it well throughout and it's a nice strong frame for your words.  There are some clever tricks and turns of phrase, like "should wind be kind", and I really like "the willow weeps against the breeze that passes through".  

The one thing that makes this an awkward read for me is the inconsistent use of articles.  The whole thing is quite abbreviated, grammar-wise, and there's no real reason to do that.  Once or twice might be ok, but after a while it reads as though you're jamming your words in to fit meter and rhyme, when the opposite really should be true.  The rhyme shouldn't dictate the words you choose -- if they don't work, change the rhyme.  Sometimes it becomes a little nonsensical, like you're trying to just fit too many ideas into 14 little lines, e.g. "who by her light grew tall and lesson neared her height".  Lesson? This just comes out of the blue.  

There is nothing wrong with elevating your language in poetry but you do have to be careful that you're not alienating your readers when you do so.  For example, "those who wend" -- wend where?  Wend isn't really an action, it's more of a specific way to perform an action, like screwing.  (Well, not like screwing per se, but the action is not dissimilar -- you have to screw something, just as you have to wend through or along something.)

Now, this is mild critique so I won't go into too much detail.  I think there's a sweet sonnet here that's presently losing direction via unclear grammar and too many ideas.  I'd love to see you find the thread that means the most here and tease it out.

Do you have any specific examples of abbreviated grammar that stand out as unnecessary to you? I could probably rework them. I agree about wend..that's one I was welcome to ideas for..though it's not technically incorrect..it just means to move about..I don't like the way it works either. I will touch that up a bit.

To me the lesson part was so obvious. Example may have been a better word..I could try to fit that. But it's a metaphor for reaching ones full potential. It's the example the sun sets by living in the sky. It may read clearer if it was "her example" instead of stranding it without saying who it belongs to.

I guess part of this could by style. I like the..I guess you could say..almost staccato sound. It may not suit the sonnet well, however.

[Achebe]

Goodbye to light of day, she’ll pass to other lands
To kiss the skin of those beyond horizon’s end
To shine most bright in final warmth upon cold hands 
As fair as noon or more, still smiles to those who wend...can light of day shine as fair as noon? aren't the same thing? 'wend' needs to have a destination specified.

Should wind be kind, and by good fortune, northern bound
Twould sweep the ash of burnt out sun to place of night ..missing article
Where favored tree she’d seen arise from neath the ground ....doesn't make sense
Who by her light grew tall and lesson neared her height...nor this

The willow weeps against the breeze that passes through
Recalls the beauty light above, with warmth, would breed ...'beauteous'. what would breed...the light?
While grass is stained by tears with none to melt the dew ...missing article.
And soil is barren now with none to nurse the seed ... seeds don't need the sun. they need water, which is there, albeit frozen.

Yet son of sun look up and turn your cheek to sky ...missing article
To let the sun, with one more ray, give kiss goodbye

[crimsonqueen]

Goodbye to light of day, she’ll pass to other lands
To kiss the skin of those beyond horizon’s end
To shine most bright in final warmth upon cold hands 
As fair as noon or more, still smiles to those who wend...can light of day shine as fair as noon? aren't the same thing? 'wend' needs to have a destination specified.

Should wind be kind, and by good fortune, northern bound
Twould sweep the ash of burnt out sun to place of night ..missing article
Where favored tree she’d seen arise from neath the ground ....doesn't make sense
Who by her light grew tall and lesson neared her height...nor this

The willow weeps against the breeze that passes through
Recalls the beauty light above, with warmth, would breed ...'beauteous'. what would breed...the light?
While grass is stained by tears with none to melt the dew ...missing article.
And soil is barren now with none to nurse the seed ... seeds don't need the sun. they need water, which is there, albeit frozen.

Yet son of sun look up and turn your cheek to sky ...missing article
To let the sun, with one more ray, give kiss goodbye

Final warmth = twilight, in other words. Twilight is as fair as noon. A mother is as beautiful in old age as she is in youth.

Perhaps, lol.

How is this nonsensical? It might need to be rewritten but how can you not see the thought there? She's going to a dark place to see a favorite tree that she saw rise from under the ground. A son that she'd seen born. If I were to rewrite it, I'd keep the idea intact because it's my favorite in the whole poem.

Again..how does it not make sense? You can say it's too fragmented..I'll take that criticism and maybe even agree..but nonsensical? If I wrote..."Who by her light grew tall and by her example neared her height" it would make sense. I don't see how you're not understanding what that means.

The next does need rewritten. What it intends to say is "The tree recalls the beauty that light above created with its warmth"..I'm open to suggestions how to write that in a way that satisfies rhyme and meter..otherwise, it's certainly noted

Fair

Fair again. There's still a connection obviously between seeds and sunlight..in terms of growth. But maybe a phase is missing inbetween. As for frozen water, in that sense you are taking the metaphor farther than necessary. In my opinion.

Fair

I hope this doesn't sound pointed..I appreciate your thoughts <3 I will work with the thingsyou said

---

Hope you both know I appreciate the help! Here is an edited version..still not there..maybe closer?

"Goodbye to light of day, she’ll pass to other lands
To kiss the skin of those beyond horizon’s rim
She shines most bright in final warmth upon cold hands
As fair as noon or more, she smiles and then turns dim

Should wind be kind, and by good fortune, northern bound
Twould sweep the ashes of the sun away, in flight
To find her favored tree, that she'd seen rise from under ground
That, by her light's example, grew to near her height

The willow weeps against the breeze that passes through
Recalls how in his youth, she charmed him from his seed
While grass is stained by tears with none to melt the dew
Without her heat, the now cold soil cannot breed


Son of Sun, turn your pale cheek up toward the sky
To let the sun, with one more ray, give kiss goodbye"

[Leanne]

I'm piecing together, from your replies, that you intend this to be a metaphor about the passing of an elderly relative/mentor? If I struggle, I can fit this interpretation to the poem. I shouldn't have to struggle -- in a sonnet in particular, the metaphor should be clear and elegant rather than convoluted. It is a lyrical form, after all, not a puzzle box.

You might consider addressing the subject of the poem specifically, to set up your conceit, e.g.:

Goodbye, fair light of day, you’ll pass to other lands

Achebe has addressed most of the grammatical issues directly.

I feel this is missing the true star of a sonnet, the volta. There is no sense of a slow reveal and an "aha!" moment, nor is there any problem/solution, question/answer setup, so it essentially becomes 12 lines with a bit of a summary. Again, this would be addressed by clarifying your central metaphor. "son of sun" I find rather contrived and somewhat confusing, as there's been no male entry into the poem prior to this. All I can think of is that it's a paternal grandmother you're addressing. Alternatively, perhaps the entire poem is intended to be addressing this woman's son in consolation. This is not the kind of pleasant ambiguity I would prefer from multiple possible meanings in poetry, as it seems from your replies that you have a specific meaning in mind.

Again, I stress that this is mild critique and not workshopping; I expect, from the certainty of your replies, that you are able to edit this satisfactorily yourself. It may be that you are quite satisfied with it as it is, and as you are the only one familiar with your intent, I leave this up to you to do with as you will.

[crimsonqueen]

I'm piecing together, from your replies, that you intend this to be a metaphor about the passing of an elderly relative/mentor?  If I struggle, I can fit this interpretation to the poem.  I shouldn't have to struggle -- in a sonnet in particular, the metaphor should be clear and elegant rather than convoluted.  It is a lyrical form, after all, not a puzzle box.

You might consider addressing the subject of the poem specifically, to set up your conceit, e.g.:

Goodbye, fair light of day, you’ll pass to other lands

Achebe has addressed most of the grammatical issues directly.  

I feel this is missing the true star of a sonnet, the volta.  There is no sense of a slow reveal and an "aha!" moment, nor is there any problem/solution, question/answer setup, so it essentially becomes 12 lines with a bit of a summary.  Again, this would be addressed by clarifying your central metaphor.  "son of sun" I find rather contrived and somewhat confusing, as there's been no male entry into the poem prior to this.  All I can think of is that it's a paternal grandmother you're addressing.  Alternatively, perhaps the entire poem is intended to be addressing this woman's son in consolation.  This is not the kind of pleasant ambiguity I would prefer from multiple possible meanings in poetry, as it seems from your replies that you have a specific meaning in mind.

Again, I stress that this is mild critique and not workshopping; I expect, from the certainty of your replies, that you are able to edit this satisfactorily yourself.  It may be that you are quite satisfied with it as it is, and as you are the only one familiar with your intent, I leave this up to you to do with as you will.

I'm not sure if you saw the edit but the tree became male. But yes, I understand what you're saying. I will definitely work on it..i really appreciate your criticism.

Also, if you want the metaphor to be clear..yes, it is written to a man (an uncle) about his mother (my grandmother) as he was most affected by the loss. The idea is the first stanza is about her passing..the second about her lasting impact..the third about how her loss is felt..the couplet about letting good.

I will try to bring these ideas together more clearly. In my head, the metaphors were obvious. The only problem was the disjointed presentation. I'm not sure if I should try to improve the clarity of the metaphor too much..I actually enjoy poetry best when I have to search for the meaning. So the fact it's hard to find for you may be a pro, in my mind..but the presentation could be refined.