(09-23-2016, 03:33 AM)loboflo Wrote: Before I include the poem, this poem deals with suicide, so if that or anything related to that triggers you, please do not read this. However, feel free to message me if you want to talk or anything! Now without further ado, this is "never before, never again"
Longer.
Just a bit longer.
Hold on.
Please.
Don’t.
Please.
Stop...
Please...
No...
...
..
.
..
...
There is no more time
There are no more chances
There will never be another
If it weren’t as bad as it seems, I would laugh.
But,
Now it seems that I lost that.
The things that gave me the purpose and the strength to move on...
My sanity
My happiness
My freedom
My heart
My Self.
I have been searching for far too long.
Searching for a reason,
to keep myself going.
My facade slowly crumbles.
Now.
Now they see.
Never before.
Never again.
Never again can I hide.
Now that they see,
What do I do?
...
Isn’t that the question?
Those secrets that have been hidden within me, now flow like a river.
...
..
.
I know that I worry them.
I know that I need to change.
I know that there is help.
I know that I can do this.
I know that I should say something.
I know.
but do I really?
I know.
I know...
I wish I knew.
The ledge between me and my fate
seems to shrink every day.
My dreams all wash away in the river.
I can still see them, but with each passing day they recede more and more.
No more.
There is no more.
Hold on... I feel the current.
Longer... I need to keep going.
No... It’s not yet time.
Don’t... I don’t want this pain.
Just a bit longer... I can’t hold on.
Stop... Just let me go.
Please.
Please..
Please...
Now.
Now they see...
Never Before.
Never Again.
I like how your poem divides into three parts: there is an address to someone in the first stanza ("Please ... Don't ... Stop"). You must be addressing the source of your despair. You are out of time and out of possibilities ("...no more time ... no more chances").
Then there are your private thoughts. First you reflect on your own lost qualities ("My sanity ... happiness ... freedom"). Then your mind shifts to the gaze directed at you by the "they". You express your self-consciousness here by saying "I know" repeatedly. Your knowledge in this section is limited to the way that you are perceived by the others - their worry, their availability to help you, their demands and expectations. Their opinions are the substance of what you know, which may be why you express a skeptical longing ("I wish I knew"), realizing the groundlessness of being at their mercy.
In the second-last paragraph address and reflection come together. You are again pleading with the other, as in the beginning, but now you have reasons. You have found a self that you can present to the world. You're no longer just a knower standing on the shaky ground of the others: now you feel, you want, you need. You are seen by the others as an "I" and you have stayed the end ("It's not yet time").
I see two turning points in your poem. First there is your lament over the self that you have lost. You acknowledge that sanity, happiness, freedom, heart and Self are gone. This act of grieving gives you courage to reveal yourself to the others as you genuinely are, devoid of these qualities. You take the risk of lowering your facade and meeting with their rejection.
The second turning point is when you acknowledge your ignorance ("I wish I knew"). Again, you are letting go of something safe (knowledge is safe) and stepping out of your comfort zone. You are opening yourself up to your fate and finding courage to accept it. The hardness and abstraction of knowledge gives way to grief over your lost dreams. You stay with this pain until all of it has poured out ("No more./There is no more.") And then YOU find yourself in the current of life. The river that washed away your dreams is now carrying you forward. You have recovered the fullness of time. Your sacrifice in confronting your grief has kept the end at bay.
I find hope in your poem. You've captured with raw intuition the experience of hitting bottom in despair and recovering hope through acceptance of your loss. My suggestion would be to tighten up your text to make the distinct moments of your journey (addressing the other, reflecting on yourself and your relationships, rejoining the world) clearer and more articulate. For example, consider removing repeated words such as "My", "I know" and "Please". You could then play with the positioning of the words that are left. You could arrange the things that you know on the page in such a way as to express your internal chaos. I think the topic of your poem lends itself well to this.
Is there a way to make the transitions in your experience clearer (from despair to strength to hope)? Punctuation seems like a good device for this, but I would use it more sparingly. Is there a way to put into words what the lines of periods are trying to express? Thanks for writing this poem.
