Upgrades

[Wjames]

I liked the crooked, cracked panes
that welcomed slivers 
of sun to nudge me
from our bedraggled sheets.

I liked the dents in the wall
from the 2 am bluster
of old friends and wine.

I'll miss your pointed sigh
when the floorboards creak
and I'm alone.

[CRNDLSM]

I think this is a great intro. You say a lot in very little and that's a great quality. But it feels like a setup to the rest of the story.

[heslopian]

I think this works as the whole story, personally, but I can see what the above critic means. I think it's a testament to your skill in creating this domestic thumbnail that we both want more of the story, but I really enjoyed how the seeming physical imperfections of the setting, and how they relate to the character's human experience, told the story themselves, without needing a multitude of detail. Thank you for the read. - Jack xxx

[kolemath]

I liked the crooked, cracked panes
that welcomed slivers 
of sun to nudge me
from our bedraggled sheets. doesn't seem very comfortable; bedraggled is a good word but may distract some readers; soiled has some nuance and fits the rhythm better to my reading

I liked the dents in the wall
from the 2 am bluster love bluster, bringing back nature from S1
of old friends and wine.

I'll miss your pointed sigh
when the floorboards creak i like that each stanza contains an image of the place
and I'm alone.

not sure what the title adds..

i think the poem is contained in itself.  interesting images in S1 and 2. i see a dilapidated home, cracks in the windows and dents in the walls speak to the place's falling apart. S3 brings it together, a lover lost, who couldn't stand the crappy dwelling--thus the sigh is pointed--but for whatever reason, maybe alcoholism, the lover left the speaker and the speaker was unwilling to follow, preferring to stay in the hood.

if anything, i can't find a reason to shift from past to present tense. unless the speaker no longer likes them by consequence of the lost lover. here i am talking myself through the interpretation..

[Wjames]

Thanks for reading, and your thoughts.

I like the title, but I may be able to think of a better one.

[crimsonqueen]

I like the premise but feel there is so much missing between the first and final stanza..as another poster said, there's no transition between tense shifts. You need to develop the poem and work up to a finale. It feels blunt and curt..you still feel the longing but it's absent profundity.

I also feel like there could be more uniformity in line length..but that's probably personal style. I don't write much in free verse but I know you need to be careful not sound meandering or disjointed.

I think you need to find your focus. I get the feeling it's about..pursuing upward mobility but missing the simplicity of times gone by? If so, tell us that..develop a contrast between now and then. There's definite potential and you're telling a very identifiable narrative.