Missing EDIT 2 technically

[CRNDLSM]

Missing (Edited) 


Madness, my dear,
to sleep in my Chevy,
the tension so heavy all the time.

I'm going crazy!
Who keeps your company,
through my infidelity, all the time?

You gave your goodbye,
and told me to die.
I live with my lie all the time.

In paying the penance, I cover the cost, and suffer the worst.
I'm getting old, another rolling stone growing mold.
If tears alone keep us warm, I'd rather be cold.

Empty completely,
surrendering sweetly,
I miss you sincerely, all the time.







Missing

Maggie my dear
The tension is heavy
I sleep in my Chevy 
all the time

I'm going crazy
Your picture's the only thing
Keeping me company 
all the time

You gave your goodbye
Can't help wonder why
I wish I could fly 
all the time

I'm only Vincent
I've covered the cost, much more than you're worth
I'm getting old, another rolling stone growing mold
If tears alone keep us warm, I'd rather be cold

I know you can't hear me
My words have grown weary
I miss you sincerely 
all the time

[ellajam]

You might start by filling in all the missing apostrophes, it makes me as a reader feel like you really don't give a hoot for the piece.

So Ive been writing poems for 10 years for a collection of 50.  I have a big fancy outline for it, theyre all for the most part written, but only just this month decided to seek professional help on some problem pieces.  This was the second poem written 10 years ago, edited last year to make it more personal, the original was about lovers separated by war.  
I appreciate all feedback, thanks for the help.


EDIT  just last year 
Missing

Maggie my dear
The tension is heavy
I sleep in my Chevy 
all the time

Im going crazy
Your pictures the only thing
Keeping me company 
all the time

You gave your goodbye
Cant help wonder why
I wish I could fly 
all the time

Im only Vincent
Ive covered the cost much more than youre worth
Im getting old, another rolling stone growing mold
If tears alone keep us warm, Id rather be cold

I know you cant hear me
My words have grown weary
I miss you sincerely 
all the time



ORIGINAL 10 yrs ago

Maggie my dear
The tension is heavy
The pressure is draining all the time
Im going crazy
Your pictures the only thing
Keeping me company all the time
The cold desert sky
Alone in the night
I wait for a sign all the time

My only Vincent
Ive suffered and lost much more than its worth
my bed is cold I wanted to feel you grow old
My tears alone keep me warm 

Im not coming home dear
Its everything we feared
I feel death is nearer all the time

[CRNDLSM]

Done thank you

quote='ellajam' pid='216426' dateline='1473708938']
You might start by filling in all the missing apostrophes, it makes me as a reader feel like you really don't give a hoot for the piece.

[Alic Elliot]

So Ive been writing poems for 10 years for a collection of 50.  I have a big fancy outline for it, theyre all for the most part written, but only just this month decided to seek professional help on some problem pieces.  This was the second poem written 10 years ago, edited last year to make it more personal, the original was about lovers separated by war.  
I appreciate all feedback, thanks for the help.


EDIT  just last year 
Missing

Maggie my dear
The tension is heavy
I sleep in my Chevy 
all the time

I'm going crazy
Your picture's the only thing
Keeping me company 
all the time

You gave your goodbye
Can't help wonder why
I wish I could fly 
all the time

I'm only Vincent
I've covered the cost much more than you're worth
I'm getting old, another rolling stone growing mold
If tears alone keep us warm, I'd rather be cold

I know you can't hear me
My words have grown weary
I miss you sincerely 
all the time



ORIGINAL 10 yrs ago

Maggie my dear
The tension is heavy
The pressure is draining all the time
Im going crazy
Your pictures the only thing
Keeping me company all the time
The cold desert sky
Alone in the night
I wait for a sign all the time

My only Vincent
Ive suffered and lost much more than its worth
my bed is cold I wanted to feel you grow old
My tears alone keep me warm 

Im not coming home dear
Its everything we feared
I feel death is nearer all the time

This edit seems, to me, more like a married couple growing apart than a couple seperated by war, with the wife not caring about her (ex?) husband anymore and the husband still caring deeply for his (ex?) wife. It's personal, but not quite the way you intended. Maybe reference the actual war going on? 

Good luck!

Best,
Alic.

[CRNDLSM]

Thanks Alic, I'm glad you said that!  I abandoned the war idea because after ten years it still didn't feel right.  Lacking in truth, and therefore real emotion.  Are you suggesting I keep the original idea, with stronger war references, or as far as capturing emotion the edit is decent enough.  The problem I've reached here is two different poems with almost exactly the same format.  I was afraid the edit was too personal.




This edit seems, to me, more like a married couple growing apart than a couple seperated by war, with the wife not caring about her (ex?) husband anymore and the husband still caring deeply for his (ex?) wife. It's personal, but not quite the way you intended. Maybe reference the actual war going on? 

Good luck!

Best,
Alic.
[/quote]

[heslopian]

I like the elegance of some of the rhythm and images here, but the poem has an oddly disjointed feel which makes it read more like song lyrics than narrative verse. I think the issue is that it's too vague in its narrative to be a proper poem. It either needs lengthening and sharpening, or it needs to eschew narrative altogether and just describe the feelings as they relate to an unnamed "she". JMHO, of course. Thank you for the read. - Jack xxx

[CRNDLSM]

This is very helpful! The thing is, I know a few songwriters and they tell me I write poetry. I wanted a poet's opinion. I have a voice and things to say, and I want it to be a quality that can be read and enjoyed as easily as can be heard. At least some of them. Thank you!

[nikkisto]

So this felt a little to superficial to me, I really wanted to read through it and feel more of the emotion and the heartache. I do agree that it almost feels more like song lyrics than a poem and just a start to a song at that, to me a poem has more meat on the bone (metaphor, imagery, alliteration, etc). If it is something that you intend to work up as a piece for publication, as a reader I feel like I need more to connect to. Try going back and seeing if you can really connect with that emotion and find ways to invite the reader into that same experience? It's a solid start, but I'd keep working with it.

[RiverNotch]

I for one don't think there should be any dichotomy between poetry and song lyrics -- the oldest poems were apparently meant to be sung? and you have the likes of opera and Bob Dylan and such. The problem with this piece, besides the very clear lack of punctuation (seriously, even Shakespeare was punctuated -- the lack of punctuation, as earlier noted, makes it read like you don't give a fuck), is that it's very meh. The rhythm is inconsistent, the imagery is cliche, and the emotional punch lacks the precision characteristic of the good stuff. And I do think that even if you haven't experienced what you wrote about (or if you don't know anyone who has), you could still make it personal -- I think the trick is considering all pain as essentially one, treating the subject simply as a dense metaphor.

EDIT  just last year 
Missing

Maggie my dear "Martha, my dear..." Well, since it seems the dichotomy exists in a lot of people's minds, this isn't a good start.
The tension is heavy
I sleep in my Chevy 
all the time

I'm going crazy
Your picture's the only thing And here you break the rhythm, in a clearly strict-structured piece.
Keeping me company 
all the time

You gave your goodbye
Can't help wonder why
I wish I could fly And here, a prime example of blandness. How many singers have sung about strange goodbyes, about flying away? Worse still, about strange goodbyes and long fly-aways with these exact same words, this exact same lack of elaboration.
all the time

I'm only Vincent
I've covered the cost, much more than you're worth
I'm getting old, another rolling stone growing mold
If tears alone keep us warm, I'd rather be cold Though some of the ideas here still feel somewhat cliche (tears to keep warm, the very mention of a rolling stone), at least this tries to peak (I rather your way of describing ageing, rolling stone so and so). Maybe a good place to start from, for a rewrite?

I know you can't hear me
My words have grown weary
I miss you sincerely Again, bland.
all the time