Down at the Bottom

[89layers]

I look on at you.

You sit listless in the dark.

I see you in shadow and in silhouette;

in blackness and despair.

 

You smile for a bit,

but it’s too much work.

That spark in your eye dissipates –

replaced by a hollow stare.

 

You follow me,

moving fluidly as I move.

You whisper to my soul -

echoing my heart.



You struggle to keep up.

You gather your broken pieces,

arranged like a bouquet of glass shards.

You begin to fall apart.



You rock incessantly

Faintly reciting songs your mother used to sing

Your skin is pale and your eyes like dark, stagnant pools

You grow colder and more distant than ever before



I plunge into the depths of you

There is not longing, or hopelessness or caring

Light cannot penetrate this realm

Heavy like a stone, I sink to the floor

 

On the long way down

I watch a cavalcade of memories resurface and swirl in my head

I am dizzy with colors and sounds

It is too much

 

I breathe in and begin to let go
I will rest here at the depths of your soul

----
Author's Note: I have long resisted learning the "rules" of poetry.  I always held that they were restrictive and even pretentious to true uninhibited expression - that was just my ignorance.  I posted a poem yesterday that I wrote back in Feb 2015.   I received a lot of very constructive feedback.  Sadly, mostly the consensus was that it wasn't particularly good.  Here is a piece I wrote this month.  It will probably be the last piece that I post for awhile.  I am going to begin studying the "art of poetry"  and take the feelings from my other pieces and rework them into new poetry before I bombard you all with anything further.

Thanks for reading and thank you for your honest assessments of my work undefined.
 
Best to you all!

[DJesters]

I, just like you, have not really dug into the art of poetry but have always been enamored by it. My critiques might be of "newbie" quality so hang in there with me.

The mood you were able to create in this poem is deep. Although it is dark and melancholic, I feel a sense of hope tied into the overall piece in that you will be able to save this "You" you keep referring to from its "blackness and despair." While on the subject of this "You", who are you exactly referring to? Is it yourself? Another person? I had trouble identifying who you were talking to throughout the poem. It is an overall good piece, but I would just like some clarification on who this entity is you keep mentioning! Good work 89! Best of luck to you!

-DJ

[89layers]

Thanks DJ!

It is me talking to myself (I am the "You.") And I agree I had a hard time writing it to clearly identify the you.  The poem is inspired by the dual personality experienced from depression.  So I am talking to 2 of myself I guess (the depressed and non depressed.)  Like I'm a trinity. 

I don't mind if it sounds hopeful, but it was more about giving up due to exhaustion from and an inability to combat depression.  The sinking (into depression/numbness) and breathing in (surrendering to the depression.) 

The depths of my soul, hopefully a "happy" place!

Maybe the poem will be better if I remove the anonymity and own up to the feelings.  I'll try it and see how it works out

Thank you for your feedback.  I get scared to check because people here are brutally honest, but that's how we learn!  I appreciate your feedback and look forward to reading your work in turn!

[homer1950]

Hi 89layers
 

I read your comment about this being your last posted poem for a while. I would actually encourage to continue to write and post as you are learning. This is a site dedicated to helping poets of all stripes.  I hope you will stay and write

Here are my thoughts on this poem. You may want to start by simply trying to remove some words and change a few. 

a small example from your work:

You sit listless in the dark.
I see you in shadow, and in silhouette;
in blackness, and despair.
 
You smile for a bit,
but it’s too much work.
That The spark in your eye dissipates –
replaced by  leaving a hollow stare.
 
You follow me,
moving fluidly sinuously as I move.
You Then a whisper to my soul -
echoing my heart.
 
 This is what it looks like:
 
You sit listless in the dark.
I see you in shadow,
silhouette; blackness,
despair.
 
You smile,
it’s too much work.
The spark in your eye
dissipates, leaving a
hollow stare.
 
You follow sinuously
as I move. Then a
whisper to my soul-
echoing my heart.
 


 

I look on at you.

You sit listless in the dark.

I see you in shadow and in silhouette;

in blackness and despair.

 

You smile for a bit,

but it’s too much work.

That spark in your eye dissipates –

replaced by a hollow stare.

 

You follow me,

moving fluidly as I move.

You whisper to my soul -

echoing my heart.



You struggle to keep up.

You gather your broken pieces,

arranged like a bouquet of glass shards.

You begin to fall apart.



You rock incessantly

Faintly reciting songs your mother used to sing

Your skin is pale and your eyes like dark, stagnant pools

You grow colder and more distant than ever before



I plunge into the depths of you

There is not longing, or hopelessness or caring

Light cannot penetrate this realm

Heavy like a stone, I sink to the floor

 

On the long way down

I watch a cavalcade of memories resurface and swirl in my head

I am dizzy with colors and sounds

It is too much

 

I breathe in and begin to let go
I will rest here at the depths of your soul

----
Author's Note: I have long resisted learning the "rules" of poetry.  I always held that they were restrictive and even pretentious to true uninhibited expression - that was just my ignorance.  I posted a poem yesterday that I wrote back in Feb 2015.   I received a lot of very constructive feedback.  Sadly, mostly the consensus was that it wasn't particularly good.  Here is a piece I wrote this month.  It will probably be the last piece that I post for awhile.  I am going to begin studying the "art of poetry"  and take the feelings from my other pieces and rework them into new poetry before I bombard you all with anything further.

Thanks for reading and thank you for your honest assessments of my work undefined.
 
Best to you all!

[89layers]

Thanks Homer!

I appreciate the encouragement. I don't altogether feel defeated. I will continue to read the poems and feedback here that other poets receive and I will offer my own critiques as well. I already feel as though the dialogue does foster a deeper understanding of where I need to improve as well.

Eric, thank you.

I think I am benefiting especially from the critique to eliminate the wordiness (say more with less) in combination with your advice to create stronger visuals. (Abstracts like soul, helplessness, listlessness, despair, and memories being better themes, then?)

[HaleINthewind]

I look on at you. ( look at you should be just fine less wordy same thing)

You sit listless in the dark.( sitting listless in the dark ; a way to avoid the overuse of you)

I see you in shadow and in silhouette;  ( the recommendation to cut the ands and ins is a good one. I think it strengthens the images you are trying to produce )

in blackness and despair.

 

You smile for a bit,

but it’s too much work.

That spark in your eye dissipates –

replaced by a hollow stare.

 

You follow me,

moving fluidly as I move.

You whisper to my soul -

echoing my heart.



You struggle to keep up. (struggling to keep up ; again avoid over use of you)

You gather your broken pieces,

arranged like a bouquet of glass shards.

You begin to fall apart.  ( I think that if someone is already gathering their broken pieces then it can be assumed they have already fallen apart- I would introduce something new here)



You rock incessantly

Faintly reciting songs your mother used to sing

Your skin is pale and your eyes like dark, stagnant pools ( I know I am on a you rampage but maybe cut the  2nd yours in this line)

You grow colder and more distant than ever before



I plunge into the depths of you

There is not longing, or hopelessness or caring

Light cannot penetrate this realm

Heavy like a stone, I sink to the floor

 

On the long way down

I watch a cavalcade of memories resurface and swirl in my head

I am dizzy with colors and sounds

It is too much

 

I breathe in and begin to let go
I will rest here at the depths of your soul ( I am not sure if anything has been learned or moved forward with this ending, what did you really get out of witnessing and becoming this "you"? What have you learned and what can I as a reader and you as a writer take with me?

----
Author's Note: I have long resisted learning the "rules" of poetry.  I always held that they were restrictive and even pretentious to true uninhibited expression - that was just my ignorance.  I posted a poem yesterday that I wrote back in Feb 2015.   I received a lot of very constructive feedback.  Sadly, mostly the consensus was that it wasn't particularly good.  Here is a piece I wrote this month.  It will probably be the last piece that I post for awhile.  I am going to begin studying the "art of poetry"  and take the feelings from my other pieces and rework them into new poetry before I bombard you all with anything further.

Thanks for reading and thank you for your honest assessments of my work undefined.
 
Best to you all!

Hey there, super new to all of this. Along with my above suggestions, I wonder if it would be beneficial for you and your poem to strengthen some of the imagery- I am not totally sure but I wonder if some of it may borderline on cliche. Exp. "heavy like a stone,"  I am not totally sure but maybe something to think about.  Hopefully you find some of this helpful and objective( that's the hard part).  Thanks for the read- cheers!

[samsfeelingood]

Well it would seem I'm a bit greener on this site than you, i agree with the vast majority of what homer said, and absolutely love both Homer's edit and the drama the pauses and lone words do for the overall effect of that excerpt of the poem.

here comes the but. But I think eliminating ALL of those words creates a lot of pauses, no? I very well may be wrong, and I'm sure he/she knows what they're talking about, but I like the cadence of most of these lines.



You sit listless in the dark. (not sure of what listless means in the context here)

I see you in shadow and in silhouette;

in blackness and despair.



You smile for a bit,

but it’s too much work.

That spark in your eye dissipates –

replaced by a hollow stare. (for whatever reason i think in these two lines, while they're already great, maybe try to incorporate some type of water imagery to go with the whole theme of sinking gradually)



You follow me,

moving fluidly as I move.

You whisper to my soul -

echoing my heart.



You struggle to keep up.

You gather your broken pieces,

arranged like a bouquet of glass shards.

You begin to fall apart. (wouldn't arranging their broken pieces mean they've fallen apart already? putting themselves back together? or is it a 2nd fall apart? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ you'd know better than i would)



You rock incessantly

Faintly reciting songs your mother used to sing

Your skin is pale and your eyes like dark, stagnant pools

You grow colder and more distant than ever before



I plunge into the depths of you

There is not longing, or hopelessness or caring (remove the first 'or')

Light cannot penetrate this realm

Heavy like a stone, I sink to the floor



On the long way down

I watch a cavalcade of memories resurface and swirl in my head

I am dizzy with colors and sounds (to shorten so the poem comes to a dramatic "rock bottom" point you could eliminate the 'I am')

It is too much



I breathe in 
begin to let go
I will rest here
at the depths of your soul

I personally think this breaks up the individual thoughts a bit, making them fit with the point observations you use throughout the rest of it.

i don't know if my comments will help or not, but those are my 2 cents. Overall, I absolutely loved it. Keep writing, I'd like to see more of your work show up here!

[AngelaPinson]

Hi 89layers
 

I read your comment about this being your last posted poem for a while. I would actually encourage to continue to write and post as you are learning. This is a site dedicated to helping poets of all stripes.  I hope you will stay and write

Here are my thoughts on this poem. You may want to start by simply trying to remove some words and change a few. 

a small example from your work:

You sit listless in the dark.
I see you in shadow, and in silhouette;
in blackness, and despair.
 
You smile for a bit,
but it’s too much work.
That The spark in your eye dissipates –
replaced by  leaving a hollow stare.
 
You follow me,
moving fluidly sinuously as I move.
You Then a whisper to my soul -
echoing my heart.
 
 This is what it looks like:
 
You sit listless in the dark.
I see you in shadow,
silhouette; blackness,
despair.
 
You smile,
it’s too much work.
The spark in your eye
dissipates, leaving a
hollow stare.
 
You follow sinuously
as I move. Then a
whisper to my soul-
echoing my heart.
 


 






[quote='89layers' pid='216424' dateline='1473707349']
I look on at you.

You sit listless in the dark.

I see you in shadow and in silhouette;

in blackness and despair.

 

You smile for a bit,

but it’s too much work.

That spark in your eye dissipates –

replaced by a hollow stare.

 

You follow me,

moving fluidly as I move.

You whisper to my soul -

echoing my heart.



You struggle to keep up.

You gather your broken pieces,

arranged like a bouquet of glass shards.

You begin to fall apart.



You rock incessantly

Faintly reciting songs your mother used to sing

Your skin is pale and your eyes like dark, stagnant pools

You grow colder and more distant than ever before



I plunge into the depths of you

There is not longing, or hopelessness or caring

Light cannot penetrate this realm

Heavy like a stone, I sink to the floor

 

On the long way down

I watch a cavalcade of memories resurface and swirl in my head

I am dizzy with colors and sounds

It is too much

 

I breathe in and begin to let go
I will rest here at the depths of your soul

----
Author's Note: I have long resisted learning the "rules" of poetry.  I always held that they were restrictive and even pretentious to true uninhibited expression - that was just my ignorance.  I posted a poem yesterday that I wrote back in Feb 2015.   I received a lot of very constructive feedback.  Sadly, mostly the consensus was that it wasn't particularly good.  Here is a piece I wrote this month.  It will probably be the last piece that I post for awhile.  I am going to begin studying the "art of poetry"  and take the feelings from my other pieces and rework them into new poetry before I bombard you all with anything further.

Thanks for reading and thank you for your honest assessments of my work undefined.
 
Best to you all!

I find removing the buts, thes, ands, ect. allows the read to really think about what the poem is saying. 
You follow me, (No need for the "me" due to the next line.)
moving fluidly sinuously as I move. (love this line.)
You Then a whisper to my soul -(Removing "you" I feel works)
echoing my heart. 

Great poem!

[Napalm]

Enjoyable read. Good natural flowing rhymes and meter as well as word choice. I imagine a melancholic feeling toward relationship(s) from learned past experiences. But staying true to the obligation to keep each other going through each struggle. Momentarily patching the trouble and keeping the feeling alive but "incessantly" keeps breaking down. Maybe it's a give and take or one person is holding the two together. Eventually it catches up to you and and you run out of answers and give in to letting go. Easy to read and understand.

[nibbed]

Hi 89layers. Your poem interested me so I will try to critique best I can.



I look on at you.                                                                                                      

You sit listless in the dark.

I see you in shadow and in silhouette;

in blackness and despair.                                                                shadow and silhouette already indicate blackness

 

You smile for a bit,                                                                          smiles aren't free?

but it’s too much work.                                                                   good description of weariness

That spark in your eye dissipates –

replaced by a hollow stare.                                                             good catch, this stare, if only for a second, more a glimpse?

 

You follow me,

moving fluidly as I move.

You whisper to my soul -

echoing my heart.



You struggle to keep up.                                                                this is showing me  someone weaker, lesser, smaller, etc.

You gather your broken pieces,                                             

arranged like a bouquet of glass shards.                           

You begin to fall apart.                                                                  I am confused that line follows "You gather your broken pieces"



You rock incessantly

Faintly reciting songs your mother used to sing                       

Your skin is pale and your eyes like dark, stagnant pools

You grow colder and more distant than ever before



I plunge into the depths of you

There is not longing, or hopelessness or caring

Light cannot penetrate this realm

Heavy like a stone, I sink to the floor                                          I thought of prayer

 

On the long way down

I watch a cavalcade of memories resurface and swirl in my head

I am dizzy with colors and sounds

It is too much

 

I breathe in and begin to let go                                                           seems to peter out at the very the end
I will rest here at the depths of your soul                           


----


I had difficulty trying to understand the poem completely. I am sorry I couldn't be more helpful. At first I thought it was descriptive of someone ill then I thought perhaps it was a poem about a loved one that you can only love from a distance, then I thought it might be a poem written as riddle. It seemed a bit dark and sad, as though the narrator was unable to reach someone. The best thing about the poem is each stanza could be poems in themselves if worked out. Thank you for the opportunity to critique! Best wishes and good cheer sent your way!