lipstick

[msredd]

edit 1:
lipstick

shades of red colors beauty “it’s not for you it’s for me” smudges left on the rim of a cup the color of blushing blood and fruit her lips enthralling her lips
Red blood red rosebud red smeared across her lips red scrubbed in red red red stunning red coating her lips in a kiss between 
color and colorless 
colorlessness  
red like a ribbon to make her look like she’s dressed even when 
she’s 
not 
her mouth fraught with red hot

She’s red but not a siren red it’s a 
fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red, turning red 
flames oh so lovely you’d love to immerse yourself she says “Do you hear yourself?” 
a blushing red is a nothing red she wears a bluffing red not a loving red, stunningred shovingred crushing red, red red Ms.red (please, 

don’t touch 
the art) 
“Beauty—

it’s not for you, it’s for me.” smudges left on the rim of a cup her lips enthralling her lips the color of blushing blood and fruit it’s not for you it’s not 
a siren-on-the-rocks-lures-in sailors red or a loving red merely a fire misread 
her words useless mouth 
fruitless do you hear yourself do you hear yourself do you 
hear the

sound “please—don’t touch 
the art” 
nonetheless 
her lips are a kiss between cherry strawberry 
raspberry and
the fruitless.


original:
lipstick

(shades of red colors beauty “it’s not for you it’s for me” smudges left on the rim of a cup the color of blushing blood and fruit her lips enthralling her lips)

Red blood red rosebud red smeared across her lips red scrubbed in red red red stunning red coating her lips in a kiss between   color and colorless       colorlessness    red like a ribbon to make her look like she’s dressed even when        she’s   not      her mouth fraught with red hot 

She’s red but not a siren red, it’s a fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red   turning red       flames oh so lovely you’d love to immerse yourself she asks “Do you hear yourself?” a blushing red is a nothing red she wears a bluffing red not a loving red, stunningred shovingred crushing red, red red Ms.red (please, 

don’t touch       the art)       “Beauty—

it’s not for you, it’s for me.” smudges left on the rim of a cup her lips enthralling her lips the color of blushing blood and fruit it’s not for you it’s not       asirenontherockslurein sailors red or a loving red merely a fire misread       her words useless mouth fruitless in regard to success do you hear yourself do you hear yourself do you       hear the       sound “please—don’t touch the art”             nonetheless       her lips are a kiss between cherry strawberry raspberry and       the fruitless

[Lizzie]

Hi! I had a bit of a hard time getting into this at first. It's really difficult for me not to lose my place as I'm reading it because everything runs together. Which is, I understand, part of the point. But, it does make for tough reading.

If I understand correctly, and bear with with me if I don't, this is intended to be a spoken word piece? I read it out loud to myself and my ears liked it much better than my eyes did.

I think you have some great lines -- I particularly liked "it’s a fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red" I thought it had good rhythm and assonance. I also like the repetition of "don't touch the art." I thought it mixed up the rhythms a bit to keep it interesting.

But, visually I thought that all of the enjambment was actually obscuring some of your nice lines.

Thanks for the read!

lizziep
 

[Jonsy3k]

I have to agree with my friend above. Audibly a here this and it's a good sensory piece. I can see the red. Imagine the heat and the not so gentle caress of the red flames against my fingertips. However, visually speaking it looked mashed. 

For this sort of poetry I get the image of a dimly lit stage and a beauty basked in shaded red light - sultry and smoky. But if the wording were her body she could sway to the beat of the word properly. Maybe add a note stating to read it aloud?

Lovely imagery, please let me know if you write more.

[ellajam]

Hi, ms.redd, welcome to the pen. This read beautifully for me. I continue to have the same reaction to the opening line, that it reads more slowly than the rest, I am torn between it not being as good and it being a great entry into the piece, shakes up my thinking and pacing. I enjoy the wordplay, I still have a bit of confusion about the cup and nudity, both intimate, vs the "not for you", but that may clear with more time. A few comments below.

lipstick

(shades of red colors beauty “it’s not for you it’s for me” smudges left on the rim of a cup the color of blushing blood and fruit her lips enthralling her lips)
This line is not as coherent as the rest but it holds the keys and did not keep me from reading furher.

Red blood red rosebud red smeared across her lips red scrubbed in red red red stunning red coating her lips in a kiss between   color and colorless       colorlessness    red like a ribbon to make her look like she’s dressed even when        she’s   not      her mouth fraught with red hot
Love the colornessless and the ribbon. Love the siren/fire below and the jump...black below, and the red vs black. Love the blushing/nothing/bluffing.

She’s red but not a siren red, it’s a fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red   turning red       flames oh so lovely you’d love to immerse yourself she asks “Do you hear yourself?” a blushing red is a nothing red she wears a bluffing red not a loving red, stunningred shovingred crushing red, red red Ms.red (please,

don’t touch       the art)       “Beauty—

it’s not for you, it’s for me.” smudges left on the rim of a cup her lips enthralling her lips the color of blushing blood and fruit it’s not for you it’s not       asirenontherockslurein sailors red or a loving red merely a fire misread       her words useless mouth fruitless in regard to success do you hear yourself do you hear yourself do you       hear the       sound “please—don’t touch the art”             nonetheless       her lips are a kiss between cherry strawberry raspberry and       the fruitless

I am missing the s in lures in. I found the spacing at "do you...sound" didn't feel as right as in the rest of the piece.

Lovely read, thanks for posting it.

[msredd]

Hi! I had a bit of a hard time getting into this at first. It's really difficult for me not to lose my place as I'm reading it because everything runs together. Which is, I understand, part of the point. But, it does make for tough reading.

If I understand correctly, and bear with with me if I don't, this is intended to be a spoken word piece? I read it out loud to myself and my ears liked it much better than my eyes did.

I think you have some great lines -- I particularly liked "it’s a fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red" I thought it had good rhythm and assonance. I also like the repetition of "don't touch the art." I thought it mixed up the rhythms a bit to keep it interesting.

But, visually I thought that all of the enjambment was actually obscuring some of your nice lines.

Thanks for the read!

lizziep
 

I didn't write the poem specifically as spoken word but I think I wrote it that way in my head regardless, picturing how it would sound and where I'd breathe reading it, so it makes sense I think that it came across that way. I kind of have a tendency to write stanzas with that sort of enjambment but I'll definitely keep in mind that it can obscure the better parts of a poem as you said. Thank you for reading though I appreciate it!

I have to agree with my friend above. Audibly a here this and it's a good sensory piece. I can see the red. Imagine the heat and the not so gentle caress of the red flames against my fingertips. However, visually speaking it looked mashed. 

For this sort of poetry I get the image of a dimly lit stage and a beauty basked in shaded red light - sultry and smoky. But if the wording were her body she could sway to the beat of the word properly. Maybe add a note stating to read it aloud?

Lovely imagery, please let me know if you write more.

Asking to read it aloud is a really interesting idea actually and I'll keep it in mind; I hadn't thought of that before. I definitely do need to consider working on the poem visually as lizzie said. I really like the image of the stage, though, it comes close to what was going on in my head as I was writing I think. Thank you for the advice and thoughts though :]

Hi, ms.redd, welcome to the pen. This read beautifully for me. I continue to have the same reaction to the opening line, that it reads more slowly than the rest, I am torn between it not being as good and it being a great entry into the piece, shakes up my thinking and pacing. I enjoy the wordplay, I still have a bit of confusion about the cup and nudity, both intimate, vs the "not for you", but that may clear with more time. A few comments below.

lipstick

(shades of red colors beauty “it’s not for you it’s for me” smudges left on the rim of a cup the color of blushing blood and fruit her lips enthralling her lips)
This line is not as coherent as the rest but it holds the keys and did not keep me from reading furher.

Red blood red rosebud red smeared across her lips red scrubbed in red red red stunning red coating her lips in a kiss between   color and colorless       colorlessness    red like a ribbon to make her look like she’s dressed even when        she’s   not      her mouth fraught with red hot 
Love the colornessless and the ribbon. Love the siren/fire below and the jump...black below, and the red vs black. Love the blushing/nothing/bluffing.

She’s red but not a siren red, it’s a fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red   turning red       flames oh so lovely you’d love to immerse yourself she asks “Do you hear yourself?” a blushing red is a nothing red she wears a bluffing red not a loving red, stunningred shovingred crushing red, red red Ms.red (please, 

don’t touch       the art)       “Beauty—

it’s not for you, it’s for me.” smudges left on the rim of a cup her lips enthralling her lips the color of blushing blood and fruit it’s not for you it’s not       asirenontherockslurein sailors red or a loving red merely a fire misread       her words useless mouth fruitless in regard to success do you hear yourself do you hear yourself do you       hear the       sound “please—don’t touch the art”             nonetheless       her lips are a kiss between cherry strawberry raspberry and       the fruitless

I am missing the s in lures in. I found the spacing at "do you...sound" didn't feel as right as in the rest of the piece.

Lovely read, thanks for posting it.

Thank you :] I do need an s after "lure," thank you for pointing that out. I feel kind of stuck on the first stanza, too, I think; I like that it introduces phrases that show up later in the poem but maybe I could make it a bit more coherent/strong rather than rambling as I originally intended. As for the cup/nudity in opposition to the "not for you" message, my intended idea was that lipstick can definitely be something powerful/sensual but not necessarily worn for the sake of other people. It does sound intimate though, I admit. Thank you again though!

[RiverNotch]

lipstick

(shades of red colors beauty “it’s not for you it’s for me” smudges left on the rim of a cup the color of blushing blood and fruit her lips enthralling her lips)

Red blood red rosebud red smeared across her lips red scrubbed in red red red stunning red coating her lips in a kiss between   color and colorless       colorlessness    red like a ribbon to make her look like she’s dressed even when        she’s   not      her mouth fraught with red hot 

She’s red but not a siren red, it’s a fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red   turning red       flames oh so lovely you’d love to immerse yourself she asks “Do you hear yourself?” a blushing red is a nothing red she wears a bluffing red not a loving red, stunningred shovingred crushing red, red red Ms.red (please, 

don’t touch       the art)       “Beauty—

it’s not for you, it’s for me.” smudges left on the rim of a cup her lips enthralling her lips the color of blushing blood and fruit it’s not for you it’s not       asirenontherockslurein sailors red or a loving red merely a fire misread       her words useless mouth fruitless in regard to success do you hear yourself do you hear yourself do you       hear the       sound “please—don’t touch the art”             nonetheless       her lips are a kiss between cherry strawberry raspberry and       the fruitless

Perhaps I have not read enough Joyce (but God knows I'm trying --- and it's not that he's hard to read, in fact he's surprisingly easy to process, it's just that I'm a bad reader), but this ----- well, it definitely reads like poetry, and it definitely evoked the feelings of mad love you sought to express, but that's the thing: this expresses too much, communicates too little. And not too little in the sense that it has a one-track mind, which is not necessarily a bad thing in poetry, but that it has too little sophistication, grace, or even a plain stinger of a structure to fully work -- it's so close to being art, in fact from I'm guessing the artist's side it probably is art, but it's constructed too madly to be artful. Essentially, it's like glossolalia: it can be beautiful, and perhaps in the sense of mysticism or music it is artful, but it doesn't have the restraint, even the calculated madness, of art, and surely it's too messed up to be art in literature.

Of course, this isn't to say that you should scrap this altogether, just that this needs some good shears -- but for that, I'd recommend one of the higher levels of crit, for I feel I've said too much. Again, this undoubtedly moved me, but it didn't move me with the same subtlety, the same intelligence, even the same sympathy, as poetry -- although, again, perhaps I'm just inexperienced.

For a specific point, I just read too many damn reds. It reminded me of what Autobiography of Red could have been if instead of Anne Carson or Stesichoros the writer was just Geryon -- and instead of being written, the piece was simply collected. Again, it's beautiful, but it lacks grace, lacks it too unrestrainedly, too much. I mean, I get it that the speaker is emphasizing the quality "red", but there are enough images and not enough puns to justify that, and though it's evocative, it gets mighty tiring, having the damn word hammered -- for another metaphor, it's like having a great orator, say Adolf Hitler, giving you (in private) a Howard-Beale-sized tirade on the "round" shape of Eva Braun's breasts: it's beautiful, but, again, not enough craft to hold me. But at this point, I'm being the Network-Fuehrer; you get the picture.

[Todd]

This was fun to read. I sort of started viewing the reds like punctuation like emphatic full stops. I felt like when I read it outloud I wanted to punch the words. This isn't an easy one to critique, but I'll attempt to give you something in the lines.

lipstick

(shades of red colors beauty “it’s not for you it’s for me” smudges left on the rim of a cup the color of blushing blood and fruit her lips enthralling her lips)--I wonder at the point of the parentheticals especially as a lead line. If you are trying make this an internal reflection maybe italics. I'm not sure I like colors beauty or the color of. I think they both detract from the immersion into red. I like the "it's not for you it's for me" when placed against the title, it seems to be saying if I am alluring it is for my benefit not done for yours. It's a good lead off. There is a slight shift in the subject is the her being observed or is the speaker the "me" of the first line. When I read phrases like enthralling her lips it seems to be focused on the infatuation of an observer. 

Red blood red rosebud red smeared across her lips red scrubbed in red red red stunning red coating her lips in a kiss between   color and colorless       colorlessness    red like a ribbon to make her look like she’s dressed even when        she’s   not      her mouth fraught with red hot --don't like the red after blood. I think it takes away from the red red red sequence. The red like a ribbon sequence is very nice. You lose a little on the she's not because it's not formatted in a conventional sort of line break--but you don't lose much. The red hot is a nice transition into the next fire red sequence.

She’s red but not a siren red, it’s a fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red   turning red       flames oh so lovely you’d love to immerse yourself she asks “Do you hear yourself?” a blushing red is a nothing red she wears a bluffing red not a loving red, stunningred shovingred crushing red, red red Ms.red (please, --especially like the fire red to the flames immerse yourself part. The question works and transitions well to the blush. I know "ask" is correct but you have so many s sounds working for you it may be better rephrased with an s like says...though that would require reworking the question into a statement.

don’t touch       the art)       “Beauty—

it’s not for you, it’s for me.” smudges left on the rim of a cup her lips enthralling her lips the color of blushing blood and fruit it’s not for you it’s not       asirenontherockslurein sailors red or a loving red merely a fire misread       her words useless mouth fruitless in regard to success do you hear yourself do you hear yourself do you       hear the       sound “please—don’t touch the art”             nonetheless       her lips are a kiss between cherry strawberry raspberry and       the fruitless--asirenontherockslurein is a little long to be effective. Probably something a bit shorter. It forces me to parse and remember I'm reading. I'm also not a big fan of the "in regard to success" phrasing. It could be a style thing.

Fully enjoyed the read. I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd

[msredd]

lipstick

(shades of red colors beauty “it’s not for you it’s for me” smudges left on the rim of a cup the color of blushing blood and fruit her lips enthralling her lips)

Red blood red rosebud red smeared across her lips red scrubbed in red red red stunning red coating her lips in a kiss between   color and colorless       colorlessness    red like a ribbon to make her look like she’s dressed even when        she’s   not      her mouth fraught with red hot 

She’s red but not a siren red, it’s a fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red   turning red       flames oh so lovely you’d love to immerse yourself she asks “Do you hear yourself?” a blushing red is a nothing red she wears a bluffing red not a loving red, stunningred shovingred crushing red, red red Ms.red (please, 

don’t touch       the art)       “Beauty—

it’s not for you, it’s for me.” smudges left on the rim of a cup her lips enthralling her lips the color of blushing blood and fruit it’s not for you it’s not       asirenontherockslurein sailors red or a loving red merely a fire misread       her words useless mouth fruitless in regard to success do you hear yourself do you hear yourself do you       hear the       sound “please—don’t touch the art”             nonetheless       her lips are a kiss between cherry strawberry raspberry and       the fruitless

Perhaps I have not read enough Joyce (but God knows I'm trying --- and it's not that he's hard to read, in fact he's surprisingly easy to process, it's just that I'm a bad reader), but this ----- well, it definitely reads like poetry, and it definitely evoked the feelings of mad love you sought to express, but that's the thing: this expresses too much, communicates too little. And not too little in the sense that it has a one-track mind, which is not necessarily a bad thing in poetry, but that it has too little sophistication, grace, or even a plain stinger of a structure to fully work -- it's so close to being art, in fact from I'm guessing the artist's side it probably is art, but it's constructed too madly to be artful. Essentially, it's like glossolalia: it can be beautiful, and perhaps in the sense of mysticism or music it is artful, but it doesn't have the restraint, even the calculated madness, of art, and surely it's too messed up to be art in literature.

Of course, this isn't to say that you should scrap this altogether, just that this needs some good shears -- but for that, I'd recommend one of the higher levels of crit, for I feel I've said too much. Again, this undoubtedly moved me, but it didn't move me with the same subtlety, the same intelligence, even the same sympathy, as poetry -- although, again, perhaps I'm just inexperienced.

For a specific point, I just read too many damn reds. It reminded me of what Autobiography of Red could have been if instead of Anne Carson or Stesichoros the writer was just Geryon -- and instead of being written, the piece was simply collected. Again, it's beautiful, but it lacks grace, lacks it too unrestrainedly, too much. I mean, I get it that the speaker is emphasizing the quality "red", but there are enough images and not enough puns to justify that, and though it's evocative, it gets mighty tiring, having the damn word hammered -- for another metaphor, it's like having a great orator, say Adolf Hitler, giving you (in private) a Howard-Beale-sized tirade on the "round" shape of Eva Braun's breasts: it's beautiful, but, again, not enough craft to hold me. But at this point, I'm being the Network-Fuehrer; you get the picture.

Thank you for your thoughts; it's much appreciated :] I might have to keep them more in mind in future work unless I want to tear apart a lot of this poem (which I'm a little scared to do, to be honest, so maybe starting anew is a good idea in that respect). I haven't written a large amount of poetry until recently so hopefully I'll be able to improve in being more subtle/intelligent with how I write my poems with more practice and time. I can see why you'd get sick of all the reds after a while; it is a bit much perhaps so I'll have to look through all of them and see which ones I can maybe go without. Thank you though :]

This was fun to read. I sort of started viewing the reds like punctuation like emphatic full stops. I felt like when I read it outloud I wanted to punch the words. This isn't an easy one to critique, but I'll attempt to give you something in the lines.

lipstick

(shades of red colors beauty “it’s not for you it’s for me” smudges left on the rim of a cup the color of blushing blood and fruit her lips enthralling her lips)--I wonder at the point of the parentheticals especially as a lead line. If you are trying make this an internal reflection maybe italics. I'm not sure I like colors beauty or the color of. I think they both detract from the immersion into red. I like the "it's not for you it's for me" when placed against the title, it seems to be saying if I am alluring it is for my benefit not done for yours. It's a good lead off. There is a slight shift in the subject is the her being observed or is the speaker the "me" of the first line. When I read phrases like enthralling her lips it seems to be focused on the infatuation of an observer. 

Red blood red rosebud red smeared across her lips red scrubbed in red red red stunning red coating her lips in a kiss between   color and colorless       colorlessness    red like a ribbon to make her look like she’s dressed even when        she’s   not      her mouth fraught with red hot --don't like the red after blood. I think it takes away from the red red red sequence. The red like a ribbon sequence is very nice. You lose a little on the she's not because it's not formatted in a conventional sort of line break--but you don't lose much. The red hot is a nice transition into the next fire red sequence.

She’s red but not a siren red, it’s a fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red   turning red       flames oh so lovely you’d love to immerse yourself she asks “Do you hear yourself?” a blushing red is a nothing red she wears a bluffing red not a loving red, stunningred shovingred crushing red, red red Ms.red (please, --especially like the fire red to the flames immerse yourself part. The question works and transitions well to the blush. I know "ask" is correct but you have so many s sounds working for you it may be better rephrased with an s like says...though that would require reworking the question into a statement.

don’t touch       the art)       “Beauty—

it’s not for you, it’s for me.” smudges left on the rim of a cup her lips enthralling her lips the color of blushing blood and fruit it’s not for you it’s not       asirenontherockslurein sailors red or a loving red merely a fire misread       her words useless mouth fruitless in regard to success do you hear yourself do you hear yourself do you       hear the       sound “please—don’t touch the art”             nonetheless       her lips are a kiss between cherry strawberry raspberry and       the fruitless--asirenontherockslurein is a little long to be effective. Probably something a bit shorter. It forces me to parse and remember I'm reading. I'm also not a big fan of the "in regard to success" phrasing. It could be a style thing.

Fully enjoyed the read. I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd

Thank you for your words; they're very helpful :] I really like the idea of using italics in the beginning as those lines are rather introspective; I think italics would be more clear in stating that than the parentheses. The sirenontherocksluresin sailors line is a bit much in retrospect, too, so thank you for your thoughts on that.

[Lizzie]

edit 1:
lipstick

shades of red colors beauty “it’s not for you it’s for me” smudges left on the rim of a cup the color of blushing blood and fruit her lips enthralling her lips
Red blood red rosebud red smeared across her lips red scrubbed in red red red stunning red coating her lips in a kiss between 
color and colorless 
colorlessness  
red like a ribbon to make her look like she’s dressed even when 
she’s 
not 
her mouth fraught with red hot

She’s red but not a siren red it’s a 
fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red, turning red 
flames oh so lovely you’d love to immerse yourself she says “Do you hear yourself?” 
a blushing red is a nothing red she wears a bluffing red not a loving red, stunningred shovingred crushing red, red red Ms.red (please, 

don’t touch 
the art) 
“Beauty—

it’s not for you, it’s for me.” smudges left on the rim of a cup her lips enthralling her lips the color of blushing blood and fruit it’s not for you it’s not 
a siren-on-the-rocks-lures-in sailors red or a loving red merely a fire misread 
her words useless mouth 
fruitless do you hear yourself do you hear yourself do you 
hear the

sound “please—don’t touch 
the art” 
nonetheless 
her lips are a kiss between cherry strawberry 
raspberry and
the fruitless.


original:
lipstick

(shades of red colors beauty “it’s not for you it’s for me” smudges left on the rim of a cup the color of blushing blood and fruit her lips enthralling her lips)

Red blood red rosebud red smeared across her lips red scrubbed in red red red stunning red coating her lips in a kiss between   color and colorless       colorlessness    red like a ribbon to make her look like she’s dressed even when        she’s   not      her mouth fraught with red hot 

She’s red but not a siren red, it’s a fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red   turning red       flames oh so lovely you’d love to immerse yourself she asks “Do you hear yourself?” a blushing red is a nothing red she wears a bluffing red not a loving red, stunningred shovingred crushing red, red red Ms.red (please, 

don’t touch       the art)       “Beauty—

it’s not for you, it’s for me.” smudges left on the rim of a cup her lips enthralling her lips the color of blushing blood and fruit it’s not for you it’s not       asirenontherockslurein sailors red or a loving red merely a fire misread       her words useless mouth fruitless in regard to success do you hear yourself do you hear yourself do you       hear the       sound “please—don’t touch the art”             nonetheless       her lips are a kiss between cherry strawberry raspberry and       the fruitless

I'm loving the revised version! It reads so much better for me. Maybe I need to get some glasses or something...

Anyway, you have a gift, truly. I look forward to seeing more of your work!

[Erthona]

I acutely dislike it when one makes reference to oneself in one's poetry by name. Outside of seeing how many different ways one can use the word "red" I have no idea what this poem is about. Even when it jots away from red it still seems pointless:

"flames oh so lovely you’d love to immerse yourself she says “Do you hear yourself?” "

Who is talking to who? Who is the first "who"? Who is "She"? And what to do with "“Do you hear yourself?”  

Personally I think poetry should take the fewest words to say the most, not the most words to say the least. An example of the second is that quoted above.

I will try and catch your next poem and give it a decent critique, it's a little late in the game on this one.

Best,

dale

[Todd]

You said you haven't written very many poem poems so it should come as no surprise that this is not a good poem, what confounds me is the kid gloves treatment you are getting. Sorry about that, you deserve better, there's no point in me going over this now. I will try and look for your next poem.

Dale,

I don't want to hijack the thread so I'll be brief. I find your insinuation that critics are not being honest in their critiques insulting. It's fine that you don't like the poem and disagree with the other critics (I often do myself). What isn't fine is critiquing the critics and not solely focusing on the poem. Could you please refrain from that?

Thank you,

Todd

[Erthona]

Sorry Todd, didn't even read yours, but you're quite right. So I retract and redact that. I guess something got me seeing red.


dale

[Quixilated]

Not a critique, sorry, just wanted to say there is a compelling element here that really gets in your head (in a good way). I am not a lipstick person (too fidgety, it doesn't last ten minutes), but ever since this poem I keep putting it on in the morning (even when I'm not going anywhere) and then I stand there and think "PLEASE DON'T TOUCH THE ART." And it's so fun I do it again the next day. "It's not for you, it's for me" ... so true. Thanks for adding a touch of red to my day.
-Quix

[shemthepenman]

hello [wherever you are],

[on the original] not only is this a good poem, it is a great poem. i see no point in doing a line by line, there's nothing to change—possibly the bunched up words; i'm not against it per se, but 'asirenontherockslurein' seems an unnecessarily long chain. maybe break it into smaller bunches. oh, and at a push, if it were me, i would remove the quotation marks.
i am not usually an advocate of the obvious form mirroring content—poems about flowers tabbed into daisy chains, and all that nonsense—but the 'smudging' of the poem across the 'page' complements the content perfectly. so much so, i think your edit loses quite a bit of the impact trying to force itself into a dull and boring 'poem-like' form. and i don't see the point in shying away from it either because the rest of the poem is so confident (maybe even naively confident) in its post-modernism it would be a shame to make it formally apologetic.

anyway, i think it's exceptional.

[Grace]

I think this is a work of art. The original is brilliant and I wouldn't change a thing. I disagree with Dale when he says "I acutely dislike it when one makes reference to oneself in one's poetry by name". Your name is MsRed. Mis-read. You're saying don't mis-read the reason why I'm wearing this lip-stick. "It's not for you, it's for me". The whole piece is structured around the reds ( please don't remove any) and if there is a mis-reading of the lip-stick stain then it becomes part of the poem - which makes it incredibly powerful. So, well done. As I said, it's a work of art.

[tbmeg]

Hello, I´m new here and never done a critic before. I started writing poems (if what I write can actually be called poems ) some months back and will appreciate some genuine feedback/critic.

Concerning the peom above, I do see rhyming and a good work of art. One can appreciate the piece without seeking to know a deeper meaning. What I do find disturbing though is the use of to many "reds". But what do I know. There are many genres of poems!

Hi, welcome to the Pen. If you'd like to read some critique tips you'll find them in the Important Threads of this forum. ella/mod

[Cadence_CS]

edit 1:
lipstick

shades of red colors beauty “it’s not for you it’s for me” smudges left on the rim of a cup the color of blushing blood and fruit her lips enthralling her lips
Red blood red rosebud red smeared across her lips red scrubbed in red red red stunning red coating her lips in a kiss between 
color and colorless 
colorlessness  
red like a ribbon to make her look like she’s dressed even when 
she’s 
not 
her mouth fraught with red hot

She’s red but not a siren red it’s a 
fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red, turning red 
flames oh so lovely you’d love to immerse yourself she says “Do you hear yourself?” 
a blushing red is a nothing red she wears a bluffing red not a loving red, stunningred shovingred crushing red, red red Ms.red (please, 

don’t touch 
the art) 
“Beauty—

it’s not for you, it’s for me.” smudges left on the rim of a cup her lips enthralling her lips the color of blushing blood and fruit it’s not for you it’s not 
a siren-on-the-rocks-lures-in sailors red or a loving red merely a fire misread 
her words useless mouth 
fruitless do you hear yourself do you hear yourself do you 
hear the

sound “please—don’t touch 
the art” 
nonetheless 
her lips are a kiss between cherry strawberry 
raspberry and
the fruitless.


original:
lipstick

(shades of red colors beauty “it’s not for you it’s for me” smudges left on the rim of a cup the color of blushing blood and fruit her lips enthralling her lips)

Red blood red rosebud red smeared across her lips red scrubbed in red red red stunning red coating her lips in a kiss between   color and colorless       colorlessness    red like a ribbon to make her look like she’s dressed even when        she’s   not      her mouth fraught with red hot 

She’s red but not a siren red, it’s a fire red, the kind that you touch and jump back jack with black on your fingertipsburning red   turning red       flames oh so lovely you’d love to immerse yourself she asks “Do you hear yourself?” a blushing red is a nothing red she wears a bluffing red not a loving red, stunningred shovingred crushing red, red red Ms.red (please, 

don’t touch       the art)       “Beauty—

it’s not for you, it’s for me.” smudges left on the rim of a cup her lips enthralling her lips the color of blushing blood and fruit it’s not for you it’s not       asirenontherockslurein sailors red or a loving red merely a fire misread       her words useless mouth fruitless in regard to success do you hear yourself do you hear yourself do you       hear the       sound “please—don’t touch the art”             nonetheless       her lips are a kiss between cherry strawberry raspberry and       the fruitless

This piece stimulated my minds eye. The imagery is beautiful, but the poem left me with a slight feeling of detachment. This beautiful women of red seems to be only there for show with no deeper feelings. The line, "she wears a bluffing red not a loving red" makes me think that she is deceitful and is leading the speaker on. The poem seems to run together like Ms. Reds red lipstick.