Cheaters

[Lizzie]

I'll tell you what I hate 'bout meter:
it seems like everyone's a cheater
with magic 'postrophies like 'ere
and ne'er and where-the-bleeping e'er
it makes the iambs work. Well, hell
then I'll just make up language too
with lazy arr'gance like you've never
dreamed! Like a banker far behind
in Scrabble, I'll add th's like taxes.
It's effortless, 'cause poemeth after
poemeth just butchers nat'ral speech.
It's stucketh in my brain! Yes, I
can play that game. 

---

Hello all! Can I get some feedback on the meter? I'm trying to use trochaic and Pyrrhic substitutions as well as both masculine and feminine endings. Thank you ><

[dukealien]

I'll tell you what I hate 'bout meter:
it seems like everyone's a cheater
with magic 'postrophies like 'ere
and ne'er and where-the-bleeping e'er
it makes the iambs work. Well, hell
then I'll just make up language too
with lazy arr'gance like you've never
dreamed! Like a banker far behind
in Scrabble, I'll add th's like taxes.
It's effortless, 'cause poemeth after
poemeth just butchers nat'ral speech.
It's stucketh in my brain! Yes, I
can play that game. 

---

Hello all! Can I get some feedback on the meter? I'm trying to use trochaic and Pyrrhic substitutions as well as both masculine and feminine endings. Thank you ><

I've never particularly cared for the meter.   It's the last gasp of the supposedly rational French at the time of the Terror - but what's universal about some fraction of the distance along an imaginary line drawn on the Earth (a minor planet of an unremarkable star) which, strictly speaking, is *curved*, darn it anway!  Distance is anthropocentric:  live with it!  Give me the good old yard of two cubits; the meter is just the cloth-yard of a human with long arms (though making it decimal was pretty slick... but ten fingers, y'know).

[/rant]Oh... *that* meter.  Perfect meter can be hypnotic (as I'd reason to learn recently), especially on short lines.  If your poem be's rather than means, probably an advantage.  Otherwise, some Popish variance to align bumps in the reading with impacts in the meaning seem appropriate... including those created with the apostrophe.  Like the inversion, though, unintended or forced variance can usually be smoothed out with some amount of work.  Just sayin'.

The "th" thing thpeakth of either King Jameth or a lithp when uthed today.  Betht not, otherwithe.

[Achebe]

couldn't quite figure out 'poemeth' and 'stucketh' - what's the point of these non-words?

[RiverNotch]

I'll tell you what I hate 'bout meter:
it seems like everyone's a cheater
with magic 'postrophies like 'ere
and ne'er and where-the-bleeping e'er
it makes the iambs work. Well, hell
then I'll just make up language too
with lazy arr'gance like you've never
dreamed! Like a banker far behind meter seems to fall apart here. actually, it really falls apart in the next line, where the trochaic sub is schmutzed midline (and i think that's the no no that kills prosody most of the time), but this verse is pretty funny, and usually funny verse demands a hypnotic devotion to meter (how ironic).
in Scrabble, I'll add th's like taxes. though unlike Lovely Rita, i'm no meter master, i think with the add after i'll the i'll becomes unstressed (add's too punchy in both sound and meaning to be unstressed, so that it becomes iamb pyrrhic trochee iamb, ie all over the place.
It's effortless, 'cause poemeth after that's a gross abuse of the enthing even the unwitting (but serial) archaist would decry -- everyone (but Steven Universe, it seems) knoweth ye enthing is for verbes! also poem is tricky -- is it really monosyllabic? which i think would make it too close to the fruit type to be sweet. oh, and last, considering poem as monosyllabic: iamb pyrrhic iamb iamb halfstep -- which, yeah, could work, but i always think breaks like this kill the scansion, taking away that crucial marking stress.
poemeth just butchers nat'ral speech. and we're back, though again, with the double weirdness of that poemeth, patience is stretched.
It's stucketh in my brain! Yes, I
can play that game. 
i dunno, the femme endings seem too lumped together to look, er, deliberate. the moments you diverge from them, it almost seems as if you made a mistake. otherwise, fair enough, although this whole thing feels like a prequel to a for fun post,

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Hello all! Can I get some feedback on the meter? I'm trying to use trochaic and Pyrrhic substitutions as well as both masculine and feminine endings. Thank you ><

[Lizzie]

this whole thing feels like a prequel to a for fun post,

---

I was going to post it in that forum initially, because that's where a silly rant like this really belongs, but because I was asking for legit crit on my meter I thought I'd post it here so that people can get "credit" for their crits, since I'm asking for a bit more help than "For Fun" usually entails. 

Thanks for the input so far -- I'll be back in a while with more specific responses.

[kolemath]

I'll tell you what I hate 'bout meter: so this is iamb but i like it
it seems like everyone's a cheater iamb here too
with magic 'postrophies like 'ere
and ne'er and where-the-bleeping e'er i see what ppl are saying about for fun. the archaic usages only work for satire, to my reading. i can't take these usages seriously: intentional for the reader?
it makes the iambs work. Well, hell yes it does; they're all iamb
then I'll just make up language too this one starts trochee, then gets mixed up on 'make up language' make UP LANGuage (two stressed syllables next to each other)
with lazy arr'gance like you've never back to iamb
dreamed! Like a banker far behind DREAMED LIKE a BANKer (here too)
in Scrabble, I'll add th's like taxes. ANAPESTIC? 
It's effortless, 'cause poemeth after
poemeth just butchers nat'ral speech. meter is a bit muttled here to my reading
It's stucketh in my brain! Yes, I
can play that game. 

---

Hello all! Can I get some feedback on the meter? I'm trying to use trochaic and Pyrrhic substitutions as well as both masculine and feminine endings. Thank you ><

sorry to only comment on meter. if you like, i can return for comments on content. good luck! thanks for sharing

[Lizzie]

sorry to only comment on meter. if you like, i can return for comments on content. good luck! thanks for sharing

After we're done here, I'll probably clean it up and have it moved to "For Fun." As I said, I just wanted people to get credit for their crits. In a minute, I'll post a version of the poem where I map out where I heard the beats lying, since I was working with substitutions. Thanks for the crit, Kole (and everyone)!

Yes, it is a little satiric. And the 'postrophies and th's are there for comic effect and to reinforce the idea that "I can play that game," lengthening and shortening words on whim to make the meter work. I struggle with humor, so if it wasn't funny, then we'll just keep it in a more serious forum.

---

Here's what I had in mind:

I'll tell you what I hate 'bout meter: (fem ending)
it seems like everyone's a cheater (fem ending)
with magic 'postrophies like 'ere (mas ending)
and ne'er and where-the-bleeping e'er (mas ending)
it makes the iambs work. Well, hell (mas ending)
then I'll just make up language too (mas ending)
with lazy arr'gance like you've never (fem ending)
dreamed! Like a banker far behind (trochaic inversion, mas ending)
in Scrabble, I'll add th's like taxes. (fem ending)
It's effortless, 'cause poemeth after (pyrrhic substitution, fem ending)
poemeth just butchers nat'ral speech. (trochaic substitution, mas ending)
It's stucketh in my brain! Yes, I (mas ending)
can play that game. (piddly fragment, just got tired, basically)

There are more masculine endings than feminine.

The reason I'm doing this is because I'm reading through "The Ode Less Traveled" like Leanne told me too. And, like a good little student, I'm eating my vegetables. I just finished the chapter on substitutions for iambic verse, and I wanted to make sure that I was using them properly. I see now that I only have one pyrrhic sub, so I should probably do more with that one.

To Duke's point, I understand that one wouldn't really choose to use these substitutions unless the poem's meaning would be enhanced by it, and that's a point well taken.

[CRNDLSM]

Holy crap this is awesome.  Is it just for fun though?  Everyone makes up their own speech.  You're taking it to the max and thats what I like.  Its not lazy, it's challenging to do things improperly on purpose!  Well said

I'll tell you what I hate 'bout meter:
it seems like everyone's a cheater
with magic 'postrophies like 'ere
and ne'er and where-the-bleeping e'er
it makes the iambs work. Well, hell
then I'll just make up language too
with lazy arr'gance like you've never   ne'er
dreamed! Like a banker far behind  does the exclamation split the meter?  or is it dream'ed
in Scrabble, I'll add th's like taxes.
It's effortless, 'cause poemeth after
poemeth just butchers nat'ral speech.   this lines tough , poemeth it just butchers?
It's stucketh in my brain! Yes, I
can play that game.               i want to add to this line it seems to end abruptly.  

---

Hello all! Can I get some feedback on the meter? I'm trying to use trochaic and Pyrrhic substitutions as well as both masculine and feminine endings. Thank you ><

[Lizzie]

Holy crap this is awesome.  Thanks  Is it just for fun though?  Everyone makes up their own speech.  You're taking it to the max and thats what I like.  Its not lazy, it's challenging to do things improperly on purpose!  Well said

I'll tell you what I hate 'bout meter:
it seems like everyone's a cheater
with magic 'postrophies like 'ere
and ne'er and where-the-bleeping e'er
it makes the iambs work. Well, hell
then I'll just make up language too
with lazy arr'gance like you've never   ne'er -- yeah, that would be better.
dreamed! Like a banker far behind  does the exclamation split the meter?  or is it dream'ed -- I don't know if putting an exclamation mark there is a deal breaker or not. I'll probably change it though.
in Scrabble, I'll add th's like taxes.
It's effortless, 'cause poemeth after
poemeth just butchers nat'ral speech.   this lines tough , poemeth it just butchers? -- yeah, I wanted it to be irksome, but not quite to this extent, so I'll probably take those out (the poemeth's).
It's stucketh in my brain! Yes, I
can play that game.               i want to add to this line it seems to end abruptly. -- ok, I can fix that. 

---

Hello all! Can I get some feedback on the meter? I'm trying to use trochaic and Pyrrhic substitutions as well as both masculine and feminine endings. Thank you ><

---

I'll tell you what I hate 'bout meter:
it seems like everyone's a cheater
with magic 'postrophies like 'ere
and ne'er and where-the-bleeping e'er
it makes the iambs work. Well, hell
then I'll just make up language too
with lazy arr'gance like you've never
dreamed! Like a banker far behind meter seems to fall apart here. actually, it really falls apart in the next line, where the trochaic sub there's no trochaic sub in the next line is schmutzed midline (and i think that's the no no that kills prosody most of the time), but this verse is pretty funny, and usually funny verse demands a hypnotic devotion to meter (how ironic). I see what you're saying. Duke's saying it too. The whole world's saying it! Criminy people, I don't care about these stupid inversions, I just had to do them for class!
in Scrabble, I'll add th's like taxes. though unlike Lovely Rita, i'm no meter master, i think with the add after i'll the i'll becomes unstressed (add's too punchy in both sound and meaning to be unstressed, so that it becomes iamb pyrrhic trochee iamb, ie all over the place. I'll probably just do 'adding' instead of 'I'll add'
It's effortless, 'cause poemeth after that's a gross abuse of the enthing even the unwitting (but serial) archaist would decry -- everyone (but Steven Universe, it seems) knoweth ye enthing is for verbes! Oops also poem is tricky -- is it really monosyllabic? If I used it as such, then it is which i think would make it too close to the fruit type to be sweet. oh, and last, considering poem as monosyllabic: iamb pyrrhic iamb iamb halfstep -- which, yeah, could work, but i always think breaks like this kill the scansion, taking away that crucial marking stress. No idea what you just said.
poemeth just butchers nat'ral speech. and we're back, though again, with the double weirdness of that poemeth, patience is stretched. 
It's stucketh in my brain! Yes, I
can play that game. 
i dunno, the femme endings seem too lumped together to look, er, deliberate. the moments you diverge from them, it almost seems as if you made a mistake. otherwise, fair enough, although this whole thing feels like a prequel to a for fun post,

---

Hello all! Can I get some feedback on the meter? I'm trying to use trochaic and Pyrrhic substitutions as well as both masculine and feminine endings. Thank you ><