The Secret of Love

[71degrees]

People would be better off
admitting

they're just not very good
at it

[makeshift]

Ouch!   

Its a short poem, not a lot to comment on. It certainly conveys its sentiment, and made me a little sadder. Just adds some attitude to what is otherwise an almost strictly economical poem. I guess my criticism would be that its a bit of a one liner, or at least that's how I read it. I like the enjambment with they're just not very good but then the following line at it seems to suffer for it.  I'd like to be convinced that were not too good at the loving business, but maybe thats another poem. Thnx for sharing!

[billy]

come one guys, what's wrong with the short form poetry forum, how can such a large poem get such minimal feedback.

Eric: great effort but it's the mild forum and we need more by way of feedback. granted there's not a lot to work with [size wise] /mod

[RiverNotch]

People would be better off
admitting

they're just not very good
at it

It is a big poem, yes, but only emotionally, I think.  First, form: "at it" feels like the final of all finals, considering your subject, so a period would be perfect; and yes, it feels a little weird, breaking every clause off right as they end, but following the suggestion here would create the same abrupt movement, so it works. If your goal were to convince, though, or even to make it seem as if the speaker were trying to convince, even trying to speak with a little more thought and subtlety, I don't think this would work. For one, it's not the end result, it's the thrill of the chase -- for another, who's the speaker to say that the fruits of bitterness can't go sweeter with time? But I don't think that was your goal anyway, so again, it works. And no need to change the tone, make it "sassier" -- the sort of bitterness this poem oozes is grittier, sleazier, so that to so change would be to cheapen the effect.

[71degrees]

Ouch!   

Its a short poem, not a lot to comment on. It certainly conveys its sentiment, and made me a little sadder. Just adds some attitude to what is otherwise an almost strictly economical poem. I guess my criticism would be that its a bit of a one liner, or at least that's how I read it. I like the enjambment with they're just not very good but then the following line at it seems to suffer for it.  I'd like to be convinced that were not too good at the loving business, but maybe thats another poem. Thnx for sharing!

Makeshift,

Thanks. Maybe I am trying too hard with the format. Appreciate your thoughts. In an odd way, I'm glad the poem made you "sadder"...that's telling me something is working.

---

Hi 71,

Now this is my kind of poem! Why not sass it up a bit? How about something like this?

The Secret of Love

People ain't
very good at it

I'm not much for sass, Eric. But thanks.

---

come one guys, what's wrong with the short form poetry forum, how can such a large poem get such minimal feedback.

Eric: great effort but it's the mild forum and we need more by way of feedback. granted there's not a lot to work with [size wise] /mod

If you want me to move this to the short form forum, let me know. Or just go ahead and move it if that's easier. Whatever works. Never sure what to do with a "minimal" poem.

Although the comments are pretty good here.

---

People would be better off
admitting

they're just not very good
at it

It is a big poem, yes, but only emotionally, I think.  First, form: "at it" feels like the final of all finals, considering your subject, so a period would be perfect; and yes, it feels a little weird, breaking every clause off right as they end, but following the suggestion here would create the same abrupt movement, so it works. If your goal were to convince, though, or even to make it seem as if the speaker were trying to convince, even trying to speak with a little more thought and subtlety, I don't think this would work. For one, it's not the end result, it's the thrill of the chase -- for another, who's the speaker to say that the fruits of bitterness can't go sweeter with time? But I don't think that was your goal anyway, so again, it works. And no need to change the tone, make it "sassier" -- the sort of bitterness this poem oozes is grittier, sleazier, so that to so change would be to cheapen the effect.

I can put a period at the end. Sometimes I do. Eventually. But sometimes not with something this small and direct. I haven't decided. Sometimes it depends on where I might submit. Alway a good idea to peruse their style...what they might like. I also like the fact you are unsure of the goal(s) of the poem. Tells me it is open to different interpretations.

And I'm really glad you wrote the last sentence. I totally agree. Thanks for all your thoughts.

[billy]

it's okay to stay here as a place marker

[crimsonqueen]

This is not a poem. This isn't even an attempt at a poem. If anything it sounds like a proverb, and not a very clever one. I actually question whether people would be "better of admitting" and you give me nothing to sway my opinion.

There's minimalistic, and then there's lazy.

[Achebe]

People would be better off
admitting

they're just not very good
at it

Hi 71 - I'm a big fan of your work otherwise   .... but I thought this piece was too long winded to be the aphorism that you're probably aiming for.
I dislike 'people would be better off' for 'people would' and 'be better' - maybe it's just me, but I don't think those word pairings sound nice. I also don't get the point of the line endings and the gap.
Perhaps one with fewer words would be some variant of:

Everybody's better off admitting
they're not very good at it.

but I still can't help thinking 'so what' to that?

[ellajam]

People would be better off
admitting

they're just not very good
at it

Ha, I'd like the addition of "some", some people, or even you or I. Some of us are very good at it.

[71degrees]

This is not a poem. This isn't even an attempt at a poem. If anything it sounds like a proverb, and not a very clever one. I actually question whether people would be "better of admitting" and you give me nothing to sway my opinion.

There's minimalistic, and then there's lazy.

I'll take proverb.  Thank you.

---

People would be better off
admitting

they're just not very good
at it

Hi 71 - I'm a big fan of your work otherwise   .... but I thought this piece was too long winded to be the aphorism that you're probably aiming for.
I dislike 'people would be better off' for 'people would' and 'be better' - maybe it's just me, but I don't think those word pairings sound nice. I also don't get the point of the line endings and the gap.
Perhaps one with fewer words would be some variant of:

Everybody's better off admitting
they're not very good at it.

but I still can't help thinking 'so what' to that?

Thanks, Achebe.  I'll try harder.

---

People would be better off
admitting

they're just not very good
at it

Ha, I'd like the addition of "some", some people, or even you or I. Some of us are very good at it.

I like the "ha" and I like the "you and I"...

I agree "some" folks are pretty good at it. But only some of the time. No one is that good at it all of the time. And that would be a different poem.  

Thanks, ellajam.

[crimsonqueen]

Most benefit by admitting
Most fail when they attempt to

Not exactly, but something along those lines would fit the "proverb" format better, in my opinion. Just something more concise.

[71degrees]

Most benefit by admitting
Most fail when they attempt to

Not exactly, but something along those lines would fit the "proverb" format better, in my opinion. Just something more concise.

Thanks again for your interest, Abigail. Based on comments, I'm leaning toward an edit, but yours is a bit radical for me.

[crimsonqueen]

Most benefit by admitting
Most fail when they attempt to

Not exactly, but something along those lines would fit the "proverb" format better, in my opinion. Just something more concise.

Thanks again for your interest, Abigail.  Based on comments, I'm leaning toward an edit, but yours is a bit radical for me.

I'm not trying to give it to you, I'm offering you ideas :the key with aphorisms is the length and wit. It should be brief and memorable.

[71degrees]

Most benefit by admitting
Most fail when they attempt to

Not exactly, but something along those lines would fit the "proverb" format better, in my opinion. Just something more concise.

Thanks again for your interest, Abigail.  Based on comments, I'm leaning toward an edit, but yours is a bit radical for me.

I'm not trying to give it to you, I'm offering you ideas :the key with aphorisms is the length and wit. It should be brief and memorable.

Interesting distinction. Again, thanks for your ideas and key. I will certainly take that into consideration on my thirteen worder

[71degrees]

71,

You told me you are not much for sass. But are you much for wit?

Best,

e

Hello again, Eric.

No.

[CRNDLSM]

People would be better off
admitting

they're just not very good
at it

People would be better off
Admitting

They are not very good
At it

The secret of love
Ack

just add one more line of title, look at the syllables

7
3

6
2

5
1

[71degrees]

People would be better off
admitting

they're just not very good
at it

People would be better off
Admitting

They are not very good
At it

The secret of love
Ack

just add one more line of title, look at the syllables

7
3

6
2

5
1

Cool. Thanks.