Red Patent Shoes -- revision

[Lizzie]

A couple sat across the circle
from me. She reclined on his chest,
like he was a plush couch.
He draped his arms around her,
familiar blankets.
She was like a lizard,
sheltered from a cold night
inside the hollow of a tree.
He seemed to be the only solid part of her.
She rarely spoke; he talked continuously.

He said to me, "I noticed your shoes."

She pulled away,
rigid,
as if to acquire
a wider image
of a foreign object.
Then she squared her shoulders at me
and remained that way,
like a meerkat
on guard.

A man and woman sat across
from me. She reclined into him
like he was a plush couch,
warming herself in his cashmere arms,
a familiar blanket. The way she leaned on him,
he seemed to be the only solid part of her.
She rarely spoke; he talked almost continuously.
When he spoke to me he said, "I noticed your shoes,"

and she pulled away
from him, rigid,
as if to acquire
a wider image
of a foreign object.
Then she leaned
toward me,
and remained that way,
like a meerkat
on guard.

*small edits made on 10/11/16 in response to Alic and Achebe's feedback.*

[next]

    A man and woman sat across
    from me. She reclined into him
    like he was a plush couch,   like these first three lines
    warming herself in his cashmere arms,   "cashmere"? seems distracting as cashmere is overloaded with so many other meanings.
                                                                          maybe a simpler word -- something relating to a couch or a blanket a simpler type of comfort
    a familiar blanket. The way she leaned on him,
    he seemed to be the only solid part of her.   loved the "only solid part of her"
    She rarely spoke; he talked almost continuously.    omit "almost" ?
    When he spoke to me he said, "I noticed your shoes,"
     
    and she pulled away
    from him, rigid,
    as if to acquire
    a wider image   "wider"? maybe a word denoting larger or more complete
    of a foreign object.
    Then she leaned   if she's posed like a meercat, maybe a more upright stance, not "leaned"
    toward me,
    and remained that way,
    like a meerkat   yea! there should be more "meercat" 's in poems
    on guard.

[Alic Elliot]

Is it normal that I found myself grinning as I read this? Or am I the only one who finds this funny?

Well, as for critique (more like praise- I really like this), I offer this.

“like he was a plush couch" and “his cashmere arms" seems a bit off to me. When I think ‘plush couch' I think big and fluffy with fabric that has fibers that move when you swipe your hand over them. On the other hand, ‘cashmere' immediately brings to mind James Bond, and Anthony DiNozzo Sr. Wealthy, rich, suave men who know how to get what they want. A different fabric could be used in “his cashmere arms". Velvet, perhaps?

Now, a few points of what I like.

First of, the way it's presented. Should I say form? I dunno. Either way, I like the way the line length and overall feel of the poem change with the woman's feelings.

The idea of some woman staring at me like a meerkat on guard just because her significant other is off-putting, in a good way. Great imagery. Kudos to you for that.

If I continued on what I like, I'd be here for a while, so that'll be all for now.

[cvanshelton]

Hey Lizziep! I love this kind of poem  - a snapshot, or film short of human interaction. You captured the subjects nicely. The way the lines in the stanzas change from the first to the last is a great compliment to the shift in the energy of the poem. It was a lot of fun to read; thank you so much for sharing it. Some line notes below:
 
A man and woman sat across  - any thoughts on a title yet? It might help give context to where everyone is sitting. I assumed it was in a restaurant at first, then a hotel, then a waiting room in an office – yeah, I get a little ADHD. I think the start of the poem is a little slow. I wonder if there is a way to grab the reader’s attention better?
from me. She reclined into him – I like the verb “reclined”. Nice.
like he was a plush couch, - Ties in nicely with “reclined”.
warming herself in his cashmere arms, - I like “cashmere arms”, but I am having trouble with the “warming herself” image. Maybe use “cozying” – that gives you alliteration with “cashmere.
a familiar blanket. The way she leaned on him,
he seemed to be the only solid part of her.  – I could be totally off base, but there seems to be a sexual subtext to this sentence. It works, though I am not in love with “seemed”.
She rarely spoke; he talked almost continuously. You have some great sounds in this line – I liked reading it out loud.
When he spoke to me he said, "I noticed your shoes,"

and she pulled away Good break. I question the verb “pulled”. If she is slouching into him, or reclining on him, is he keeping her from going rigid so that she has to pull from him?
from him, rigid, I like “rigid”.
as if to acquire
a wider image – These two lines are great sonically. Again, they sound great out loud.
of a foreign object.
Then she leaned
toward me,
and remained that way,
like a meerkat- brilliant
on guard. – This works as an ending Ok, but it is a little weak. What if you used something like “pre-pounce” – something with action implied?

[Lizzie]

Next: Thanks for responding I'll take another look at my word choice, esp. the cashmere. I'll probably remove "almost" and I can do something different than "wider." Thanks for the suggestions!

---

Is it normal that I found myself grinning as I read this? Or am I the only one who finds this funny?

Well, the great thing about a little "scene" like this is that it allows for a range of different interpretations, so laugh away Thanks for letting me know what's coming across for you, that's very helpful. I'll take another look at cashmere.

---

Hi, C! Hi-C?  

The working title I had on it was "Red Shoes." Suggestions for a better one?

I'll look again at the intro line and the ending -- I certainly want those to be right. And you're right about the "pull" bit, I'll change that.

As for the sexual subtext, it's probably in there because of the relationship they obviously had with each other, but I didn't intentionally put it in. I'm fine with that being another added layer.

Thanks for letting me know what's working for you and what's not.

[billy]

a great ending. for me this is one of your best poems lizzie.

A man and woman sat across
from me. She reclined into him i like the play with the line break.
like he was a plush couch,
warming herself in his cashmere arms, good image, wonder if a word like reclining in his.. would be a better word choice?
a familiar blanket. The way she leaned on him, is the latter part of the line needed?
he seemed to be the only solid part of her.
She rarely spoke; he talked almost continuously.
When he spoke to me he said, "I noticed your shoes," can this line be separated some way, maybe with a line space, also could the line be shorter, [he said to me]

and she pulled away
from him, rigid,
as if to acquire
a wider image
of a foreign object. love these lines though from him isn't needed. the shock for her is palpable
Then she leaned
toward me,
and remained that way,
like a meerkat
on guard.

[Lizzie]

a great ending. for me this is one of your best poems lizzie.

I feel like I just cooked a decent meal for Bobby Flay.

Thanks for the encouragement and for taking the time, Billy.   I'll utilize your comments in the revision.

P.S. I hope your heel is doing better. ><

[71degrees]

couch, arms, blanket = too much for me. One cannot "recline" into a blanket.

If she is indeed "reclining" into him, why the "leaning" into him a couple of lines later? Again, too much description for me.

I find this whole event odd, sorry. Why are you so close to these folks who are almost on top of each other? The description of them is total stranger.

And then after "leaning" on him, the woman "leans" toward you?

All the description needs to be sorted out to be believable. I understand the poem, but not sure why I should care.

71degrees

[makeshift]

A man and woman sat across
from me. She reclined into him  The surprising line break here might be too much? I dig the effect but feel like it should be more subtle, in accordance with the softness of the following images
like he was a plush couch,
warming herself in his cashmere arms, I can feel this nice, and already empathize with a jealousy I project on the narrator
a familiar blanket. The way she leaned on him,
he seemed to be the only solid part of her.  This is my favorite line of the poem, makes me think of a Mattise figure or something, beautiful image, with a nice metaphor 2 boot
She rarely spoke; he talked almost continuously.
When he spoke to me he said, "I noticed your shoes,"  These last two lines seem clunkier then the rest of the poem, maybe: She rarely spoke; he said to me "I noticed your shoes"

and she pulled away  Could probably omit and
from him, rigid,
as if to acquire
a wider image
of a foreign object. I like these three lines. First couple times I read this I imagined the narrator as a boy, when I read them as a girl, which makes a lot more sense for red shoes I think, this whole stanza got a good deal clearer. Anyway, this is a surprising moment, and for me the most interesting part of the poem.
Then she leaned
toward me,
and remained that way,
like a meerkat Theres some humor to this image!
on guard.

With the first stanza I assumed this poem was about the narrators jealousy, then I understood the second stanza as a shift, where its more about some ones proctectiveness or insecurity. I like the meerkat similie, makes me think about how instinctive are interactions can be. Its a nice vignette. Thnx for sharing

[Lizzie]

Makeshift: you're absolutely right about the first stanza introducing a feeling of envy from the narrator. And then this contrasts with the second stanza where the image of the perfect couple dissolves. Yuppers.

Also, you're right that the gender is not specified. I didn't think about that. Good catch.

---

I understand the poem, but not sure why I should care.  

I don't know how I would accomplish this (compelling someone else to care).

[71degrees]

Makeshift: you're absolutely right about the first stanza introducing a feeling of envy from the narrator. And then this contrasts with the second stanza where the image of the perfect couple dissolves. Yuppers.

Also, you're right that the gender is not specified. I didn't think about that. Good catch.

---

I understand the poem, but not sure why I should care.  

I don't know how I would accomplish this (compelling someone else to care).

I say what I did about your poem b/c I think it is the writer's responsibility to engage the reader and offer to them an avenue to experience whatever emotion that caused the writer to write about the situation in the first place. I'm not getting that in this poem. It's probably me, but I see no reason why I should care about any of the people you have introduced. They are faceless, nameless, and buried in a bunch of contradictory description. Personally, I think this same piece could be more effective as prose.

[next]

"Sometimes it takes shotguns to make people care; but even then, it's more about their lives than your writing." - Richard Willson

[homer1950]

Hey Lizziep

I really like the way this reads, it reminds me of a favorite novel of mine and my wife's "Rebecca"

Just some suggestions (see below)

A man and woman sat across
from me. She reclined into (into on) him
like he was a plush couch,
warming herself in his cashmere (? cashmere) arms,
a familiar blanket. The way she leaned on (on  into) him,
he seemed to be the only solid part of her.
She rarely spoke; he talked almost continuously. (? line break)
When he spoke to me he said, "I noticed your shoes,"

and she pulled away
from him, rigid, (? rigidly gaping)
as if to acquire
a wider image
of a foreign object.
Then she leaned (? leaned  postured) 
toward me,
and remained that way,
like a meerkat
on guard.

[Lizzie]

71degrees: thanks for clarifying that.

Next: 

Homer1950: thanks for taking the time out for my poem, I really appreciate it ><  The leaning thing, I think I'll talk a bit about it here. It doesn't sound like I was successful, but I was trying to make the leaning on him (rather than into) do double duty because it's not only the physical aspect but the way that he talks for her and seems supportive and protective -- she leans on him emotionally too. And then the leaned forward later on contrasts with that. That's my thought process, but it certainly doesn't have to be that way, and I'll take your opinions into account in the revision. Thank you again.

lizziep

[Lizzie]

New version is up.

Thanks to everyone who commented -- I got lots of great perspectives and suggestions. ><  >< ><

My goal for this revision was scene clarity. Pick it apart and let me know what's still missing.

Thanks for reading

lizziep

[Alic Elliot]

A couple sat across the circle “the circle" seems a bit abstract
from me. She reclined on his chest,
like he was a plush couch.
He draped his arms around her,
familiar blankets. I definitely like this more than “cashmere arms"
She was like a lizard,
sheltered from a cold night
underneath sun-warmed stone,
and he was the only solid part of her. Carrying the warming into a lizard metaphor was a nice move. Good job
She rarely spoke; he talked continuously.

He said to me, "I noticed your shoes," 

and she pulled away, I'd start a new sentence here, scratching “and", as it's a shift in focus, form, mood, and it introduces a new idea.
rigid,
as if to acquire
a wider image
of a foreign object.
Then she squared
her shoulders at me
and remained that way,
like a meerkat
on guard.
Lovely ending.

A man and woman sat across
from me. She reclined into him
like he was a plush couch,
warming herself in his cashmere arms,
a familiar blanket. The way she leaned on him,
he seemed to be the only solid part of her.
She rarely spoke; he talked almost continuously.
When he spoke to me he said, "I noticed your shoes,"

and she pulled away
from him, rigid,
as if to acquire
a wider image
of a foreign object.
Then she leaned
toward me,
and remained that way,
like a meerkat
on guard.

My liking for this has only increased with the revision. On the note of the lizard metaphore- It is both a nice comparison, and it is also a desert animal, like the meerkat. 

Best,

Alic

[Achebe]

thanks for posting. some thoughts below.

A couple sat across the circle
from me. She reclined on his chest,
like he was a plush couch.
He draped his arms around her,
familiar blankets. ....I think you've developed the metaphor quite well, with the couch / blanket pairing. I can see his giant forearms, as it were.
She was like a lizard,
sheltered from a cold night
underneath sun-warmed stone ...I like the strong image that you've created here, though I would question whether a sun warmed stone retains its heat at night
and he was the only solid part of her. ...I think this is a superfluous line
She rarely spoke; he talked continuously. ...nice little detail that helps me picture the scene vividly

He said to me, "I noticed your shoes," ...I like how this dialogue, the only spoken piece in the poem, sits in the middle and acts as a transition from perfect couple to jealous partner. It's beautifully succinct.

and she pulled away,
rigid,
as if to acquire
a wider image
of a foreign object. ...I think this is a superfluous line
Then she squared
her shoulders at me ...I think this should be pulled up to the previous line, to make it longer and break the monotony of the preceding short, staccato lines
and remained that way,
like a meerkat
on guard. ...And meerkats do stand upright in that odd way. this is a great ending.

A man and woman sat across
from me. She reclined into him
like he was a plush couch,
warming herself in his cashmere arms,
a familiar blanket. The way she leaned on him,
he seemed to be the only solid part of her.
She rarely spoke; he talked almost continuously.
When he spoke to me he said, "I noticed your shoes,"

and she pulled away
from him, rigid,
as if to acquire
a wider image
of a foreign object.
Then she leaned
toward me,
and remained that way,
like a meerkat
on guard.

[Lizzie]

Well, Achebe, you are right about the warmed stone. Ha. Did some looking about, and I guess lizards and snakes sit on stones in the morning and at dusk to warm up. The sun will heat the rock, and it will stay a bit warm through evening, but they do lose their heat at night. Apparently, reptiles stay warm at night by burrowing under the soil, under leaves, or finding a hollow tree.

So, I learned something about lizards today!

I also changed the line to be longer in the last stanza like you suggested.

I appreciate your crit very much. Thanks for taking the time.

Liz

---

Alic: Yes, I've been trying to come up with a way to add more clarity at the beginning of the scene to help the reader visualize, but I think that adding specifics about location would only be a distraction from the human drama, since it's not really that relevant to the story. I've gone back and forth on this one.  

Yes, I agree about starting a fresh sentence in the second stanza, and I'll go do that right now.

Thanks for coming back to the poem. >< 

Liz

[kolemath]

Not a bad poem. Lively conflict. The imagery wanders a bit. Couch, burrow, lizard, cat. Be more deliberate with character and setting?

[Lizzie]

Thanks for stopping by for a read, kole. I'll think on what you've said.