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Alien
We don't know what we're looking for.
Their lives could last for only seconds,
their outlines follow any form.
We miss complexions unexpected.
Some worlds could last for only seconds,
unrecognized in darkened spaces.
We miss complexions unexpected,
yet softer focus shows us hidden faces,
unrecognized in lighter spaces.
The outline of a face may be illusion—
mammalian brains configure hidden faces,
a primal gift from evolution.
The features in a face can be illusion—
their eyes could follow any form.
Depending on their evolution,
we don't know what they're looking for.
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Hello Lizzie!
I really like this. 
It reminds me of a Dr. Who episode called "The Silence" with aliens lurking about in corners where we can't see them.
We should stop looking UP to find them ... they're already here ... that sort of thing.
I saw with the moving repetitions that this is probably some sort of specific form of poem with a proper name to go with it. And if that was the main point, then don't let me mess up the thing that it is.  But honestly, I think I would like this poem better without the repetitions. For me, the repetition was distracting and got in the way of my understanding of the heart of the poem. I sliced out all the repeated lines, and tried to puzzle it back together ... just playing with it ... sorry if I got the order wrong, but I was trying to see what it would look like as a leaner, more direct version of itself:
I wonder if I'll know when I see it,
so much is still formless and void.
My eyes always try to harmonize,
and I don't even know what I’m looking for.
Maybe it's not possible to see without words.
Familiarity parents the mind,
and I miss the complexion I don't expect. (I love this line)
I'm trying to notice my thoughts like children, (and this one)
and trying to see the other face in the illusion.
I always repeat the same words to my reflection in the mirror,
Maybe I’ll never recognize them in the dark spaces.
They say it could take any form;
alien lives could last a second,
or for eternity.
I think it's in the white space.
Again, I'm just playing in your sandbox because the toys were shiny and caught my attention.  I do like the original poem the way it is as well. (Though in the first line I think you should take out "my self" because I kept reading it as something like, you wouldn't know who YOU were.) Anyway ... mostly just wanted to say that I like it, and also, thanks for letting me play with it ... even though I forgot to ask for permission first.... 
--Quix
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara
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(08-11-2016, 08:36 AM)Quixilated Wrote: (Though in the first line I think you should take out "my self" because I kept reading it as something like, you wouldn't know who YOU were.)
Hey, Quix Thanks for commenting. Yeah, the form is a pantoum.
The "my self" -- the speaker is wondering if they would recognize themselves in the mirror without preconceived notions and learned constructs of seeing. Yup, that's intentional.
It's a piece about perception: basically the idea is that our brains see what we expect and what's familiar, and this keeps us from seeing life in forms that we don't expect, our own or others.' Yeah, I was trying to layer in the meaning, but I don't want it to drone on, so if the form doesn't work, I'll drop it.
I'd say thanks for playing in my sandbox, but that might sound strange.
Maybe I'll think about changing the title, since that probably predisposes people to think it's just about alien life, but the inner life can be just as alien. Hmmmmm.....
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Don't have any specific crit, sorry. But just wanted to say that I admire the range that you're attempting in your work.
And no, I'm not saying this to be nice just because I opened a 'Hysteria' thread in the Arse.
I like how this piece is so different from 'Skeletons', but still has a nice, rhythmic quality to it, while keeping to a pretty complicated rhyme scheme.
I'll try to provide more specific feedback later if I can manage.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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(08-11-2016, 09:53 PM)Achebe Wrote: Don't have any specific crit, sorry. But just wanted to say that I admire the range that you're attempting in your work.
Thank you, Achebe. You've seen my work from the beginning, so I appreciate you saying that.
Yeah, I'm always trying to push myself to try new things. Occasionally they work!
No rush. It will be there.
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08-15-2016, 11:32 AM
[Image: https://usercontent2.hubstatic.com/2012727_f260.jpg]
There's a lot of "I" in there, but nicely treated as a special case of "we." The turn from searching the black to searching the white spaces is also well done. Also puts one in mind of the theory that, to find alien tourists, we (g) should search for them in the path of a total eclipse - an event surely unique to this very specially scaled sun-moon-planet setup. In other words, don't look at the corona (bad anyway!) or the projected image from a pinhole - look around for cars with heavily tinted windows, green tail lights, and tires with no wear on them. In the dark/light spaces.
Very enjoyable. (And no offense taken, these are not my people, it's an assumed name.)
 Non-practicing atheist
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(08-15-2016, 11:32 AM)dukealien Wrote: [Image: https://usercontent2.hubstatic.com/2012727_f260.jpg]
Yes!!! Thank you for getting the dark space/white space reference. I had in mind the one with the two faces and the candlestick, but I've seen this one too. I guess that more out-of-the-box thinkers see white space first, but the rest of us usually see the black first. Or so I've heard.
(08-15-2016, 11:32 AM)dukealien Wrote: (And no offense taken, these are not my people, it's an assumed name.)
 Don't be ashamed of who you are, duke. In a forum like this where most of us are a little off the beaten path, it can only be a boon.
Besides, didn't they just find that we all have some alien DNA in us, or did I just fall asleep during an X-Files episode?
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Revision is up. Quix: I'm giving the pantoum one more try. I'll break it up as you suggested if necessary.
Duke: I tried to fix the excessive I-ness of the voice.
A fair amount of the original has been chopped -- please let me know if I've cut away any good bits. I can always add another stanza.
Thanks again for the crits. 
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well, well Lizzie, I think the revision nailed it.
Did not read the first version until after this one.
This version is a definite improvement- holds together much better, esp the counter balance of the first and last lines.
Not a stretch to say it speaks to the ‘aliens’ among us- even our neighbors.
My old man, a couple light years ago, used to call our friends alienfunseekers.
More later (hard to try this on my phone).
-Mark
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(08-10-2016, 05:31 AM)Lizzie Wrote: Alien
We don't know what we're looking for.
Their lives could last for only seconds,
their outlines follow any form.
We miss complexions unexpected.
Some worlds could last for only seconds,
unrecognized in darkened spaces.
We miss complexions unexpected,
yet softer focus shows us hidden faces,
unrecognized in lighter spaces.
The outline of a face may be illusion
as mammal brains configure hidden faces, mammalian I think is the adjective of mammal?
a primal gift from evolution.
The features in a face can be illusion—
their eyes could follow any form.
Depending on their evolution,
we don't know what they're looking for.
Hi Lizzie,
Kudos for digging out such an old one and revising. I think your current version is much tighter and reads exceptionally well. I have to admit I missed some of the personal context of the original and still long for a happy medium, but I find all I want in the current version. I quibbled over some word choices but I don't think they would change things in a meaningful way except for the one suggestion. Form poems are like holy water to me and I admire anyone that can walk through their fire with such ease.
Well done,
bryn
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I think you can shorten those lines which have five rather than four stresses. Something like
We don't know what we're looking for.
Their lives could last for only seconds,
their outlines follow any form.
We miss complexions unexpected.
Some worlds could last for only seconds,
unrecognized in darkened spaces.
We miss complexions unexpected,
yet softer focus shows us faces
unrecognized in lighter spaces,
their outlines likely mere [or some other monosyllabic modifier] illusion—
our brains configure hidden faces,
a something ["primal" just seems redundant, with "evolution", but I don't know what exactly to suggest, other than it should also be trochaic] gift from evolution.
The features can be mere [or "could just be"] illusion—
their eyes could follow any form.
Depending on their evolution,
we don't know what they're looking for.
Also I don't care for either title. The new title is kinda neat, with the double meaning of "extraterrestrial" and "markedly different", but I'm not sure such a double meaning is really necessary....really, I'm not sure if any title is necessary, because this reads like one of those poems folks would anthologize where people don't really use the title, those who've read prefer to refer to it by what it's about, and those who haven't read it will be made to read it, one way or another. Really lovely work.
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Alien
We don't know what we're looking for.
Their lives could last for only seconds,
The We/Their changeup works.
their outlines follow any form.
We miss complexions unexpected.
Some worlds could last for only seconds,
unrecognized in darkened spaces.
We miss complexions unexpected,
yet softer focus shows us hidden faces,
Throughout this, the lines and rhymes are flat. They are monotonous, but in a such a way that is jarring rather than bad.
unrecognized in lighter spaces.
The outline of a face may be illusion—
mammalian brains configure hidden faces,
a primal gift from evolution.
The features in a face can be illusion—
their eyes could follow any form.
Depending on their evolution,
we don't know what they're looking for.
This has a rhythm that feels monotonous, and matches the theme, whatever it is, of the poem.
Like a normal somebody talking normal and clear and everything, but there's something too jarringly something.
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Thanks for the crits everyone. I'll likely return with one more edit on this one after letting it settle.
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Alien
We don't know what we're looking for.
Their lives could last for only seconds,
their outlines follow any form.
We miss complexions unexpected. (this is where strict form lets poetry down, because you're changing the order of words just to fit the rhythm. It should be unexpected complexions. Also, the word miss is not very strong. Could you rework this line, or use the line to really ramp up the mystery)
Some worlds could last for only seconds,
unrecognized in darkened spaces.
We miss complexions unexpected, (this jars because it's a direct repetition, whereas the other repeats work because you have changed a word or two, thereby changing the meaning)
yet softer focus shows us hidden faces,
unrecognized in lighter spaces.
The outline of a face may be illusion—
mammalian brains configure hidden faces, (I noticed that someone suggested mammalian. The word sounds really dumb to me, though tbf it does include the word alien, kind of. Mammal sounds better but shouldn't it be human brains as other animals don't really care about aliens? Or do they...?
a primal gift from evolution. (This doesn't add much to the feeling of mystery. Maybe add something eerie or violent here. Some tension or conflict.)
The features in a face can be illusion— (Could you shorten this line? Maybe delete 'the'. The other illusion line might need this also, not really sure. The word face bothers me here. I can't think of an alternative but if you come up with one I'd be happy to check how it scans, though of course it would be my opinion only)
their eyes could follow any form. (Love this. Their eyes might not be the same as our eyes, in shape or number.)
Depending on their evolution, (The evolution of bacteria and insects on other planets could develop into alien animals/beasts. This line reminds me of that, though the tone is a little formal, or dull perhaps. You only have one line to work with, but can you hint more at the incredible possibility?)
we don't know what they're looking for.
Because this poem follows such a strict form, there will be a temptation for people to say, "I don't like it, but I think I would if you changed the form". When you use forms, remember that you are cutting your audience. It is okay to do that now and again. Using forms like this helps us write poems we wouldn't otherwise think of. There are also many poets who love to read them from time to time, when they're done to a high level. Your poem has a magical quality to it, like when you read a story about alien abductions and it's so convincing you really want to believe in aliens for a few minutes afterwards. I can easily see this appearing in a published collection. Don't give up on it. If you do try another form, keep this one as well just in case you want to go back to it. It really does have something to it. You wouldn't guess by the amount of edits I suggested, but I like it a lot.
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Hi, Carl. Welcome back to the Pen.
I don't remember where I read it, but the idea with 'mammal' was because of an article that I read that was making the point that mammals have a tendency to see faces where they don't exist because, if you think you see a face and it isn't, that's not really a problem. However, if there was a face there and you didn't see it, your genetic material may end with you. I believe it was all mammals, but I'll have to go look for that article. No, animals don't sit around thinking about aliens, but the idea was that this is broadly an animal trait. I'm not married to any of my word choices at the moment, just seeing if I could make the form work before spending hours fine-tuning something that has no chance of working.
I was hoping that "follow any form" would bring a possible double meaning -- their features could be different and also they could be evolved to spot creatures like us rather than vice versa. I was hoping it would give the feeling of being stalked in an open field. Because, you're right, the hairs on the back of your neck should stand up at the end of the piece.
With regard to publication, I think it's pretty normal to pick up a book of poetry and have 5-7 pieces out of a collection of 40 be in some kind of form (probably something like sonnets or sestinas, granted) (and that percentage is wildly arbitrary). I mostly write free verse, but I don't particularly see the harm in experimenting, even if it's experimenting with the past. What's old is always new again. Technically, I'm not supposed to vary word choices/order at all in repeated lines (although, technically, I'm supposed to be counting syllables instead of introducing meter). So, there's a distinct possibility that this piece will please neither the free-versers nor the lovers of form.
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