growth of a seed
#1
She catches a glimpse through the shaded crack of dawn
rays on paramount are her veiling nectar glow
which has yet to grow; amidst a dimness tamed receptacle 
the beginning bud – host to the saint or satan’s damp cavern?
burgeoning in the cheering paradox of playful resistance 
strained on the sinful; concrete florescence in a reinless appearance  
sable soaked nimbus, it’s fading through impulse 
and it’s hearkening her back on the pavements dull crevice 
the sub-cutaneous premise - at the sight of the truth 
her light is subdued, an oneiric allure encircles the cyclical gloom 
of life in the new where memories lie in the soon
as duality's stalk is embossed in the strive for pursuit.
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#2
Hi Shay! This is one piece where I would actually recommend dropping all punctuation. Right now, it's a little bit haphazardly punctuated, and that distracts me from the reading. I would also not worry about capitalizing the first word, unless you're deliberately trying to draw attention to the word "she" -- you don't continue caps in the rest of the piece, so I would just be consistent.

I would also think about making the lines shorter to really emphasize key words with your breaks that help the reader follow the seed narrative.

The title is necessary because it orients the reader, and I would have been pretty lost without it.

I like how you called the seed a she -- I found the anthropomorphism intriguing and engaging.

I like the sounds that your lines make, it's pleasing to read out loud. I don't know what most of them "mean," but maybe that's not a bad thing? I'm trying to decide if I think this piece is mysterious or obscure.

Anyway, I think it's ripe with good things Wink , and I look forward to reading any edits you do on it.
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#3
(08-10-2016, 05:27 AM)lizziep Wrote:  Hi Shay! This is one piece where I would actually recommend dropping all punctuation. Right now, it's a little bit haphazardly punctuated, and that distracts me from the reading. I would also not worry about capitalizing the first word, unless you're deliberately trying to draw attention to the word "she" -- you don't continue caps in the rest of the piece, so I would just be consistent.

I would also think about making the lines shorter to really emphasize key words with your breaks that help the reader follow the seed narrative.

The title is necessary because it orients the reader, and I would have been pretty lost without it.

I like how you called the seed a she -- I found the anthropomorphism intriguing and engaging.

I like the sounds that your lines make, it's pleasing to read out loud. I don't know what most of them "mean," but maybe that's not a bad thing? I'm trying to decide if I think this piece is mysterious or obscure.

Anyway, I think it's ripe with good things  Wink , and I look forward to reading any edits you do on it.

Thank you for your comment! I'm actually not too fond of this either, and I think it's not really a "poem" in its current state. I will go back to this and try to revise it with your suggestions, though. Thanks for reading!
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#4
hi shay. struggle as i may it was too much and too hard to get too far into it. it feels like you know what you want to say but don't want me to know . this is weird but i'm getting a sexual connotation but that's all. [from the 2nd and 4th lines] wish i could give better feedback. a suggestion would be to try and be less poetic and more accessible.

(08-09-2016, 06:54 AM)Shay Wrote:  She catches a glimpse through the shaded crack of dawn
rays on paramount are her veiling nectar glow what does this line mean?
which has yet to grow; amidst a dimness tamed receptacle
the beginning bud – host to the saint or satan’s damp cavern? this line works for me as a metaphor but is what i see [female parts] what is meant?
burgeoning in the cheering paradox of playful resistance
strained on the sinful; concrete florescence in a reinless appearance
sable soaked nimbus, it’s fading through impulse
and it’s hearkening her back on the pavements dull crevice
the sub-cutaneous premise - at the sight of the truth
her light is subdued, an oneiric allure encircles the cyclical gloom
of life in the new where memories lie in the soon
as duality's stalk is embossed in the strive for pursuit.
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#5
She catches a glimpse through the shaded crack of dawn (crack of dawn" cliche)
rays on paramount are her veiling nectar glow (I don't think paramount is used correctly here. paramount=supreme "rays on supreme? Is that really what you want to say?)
which has yet to grow; amidst a dimness tamed receptacle  (a receptacle tamed by dimness)
the beginning bud – host to the saint or satan’s damp cavern?

host to the saint damp cavern? Do you mean "saint's"? Satan should be capitalized as it is a proper noun. To do otherwise is disruptive to the reading.

burgeoning in the cheering paradox of playful resistance (is there a sentence here?)
strained on the sinful; concrete florescence in a reinless appearance  (is "reinless" the correct word? Maybe "unbound"?  And should it not be "concrete fluoresces"?)
sable soaked nimbus, it’s fading through impulse
and it’s hearkening her back on the pavements dull crevice
the sub-cutaneous premise - at the sight of the truth (I think using "sub-cutaneous" throws the image off as it brings in unneeded connotations)
her light is subdued, an oneiric allure encircles the cyclical gloom ("oneiric" is pretty obscure, of course dreamy doesn't really work either Big Grin )
of life in the new where memories lie in the soon
as duality's stalk is embossed in the strive for pursuit.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
This poem seems unfocused, as though the writer had a "seed" of an idea, but has not yet brought it to full bloom. I would say it needs better sentence structure, except there is none, so it needs sentence structure and correct punctuation so that the reader is clear about what the writer is saying. 
Even though this is a fairly common theme, the application here is not cliche, but the functionality needs much improvement.

Best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#6
She catches a glimpse through the shaded crack of dawn
rays on paramount are her veiling nectar glow - I'm not sure what this means. Do the rays veil the glow of her nectar?
which has yet to grow; amidst a dimness tamed receptacle - I think I know what you're going for here but it could be tweaked. What has yet to grow? Nectar? I would also use another word other than dimness.
the beginning bud – host to the saint or satan’s damp cavern? - best line
burgeoning in the cheering paradox of playful resistance - this isn't bad either though burgeoning and cheering are a little much together.
strained on the sinful; concrete florescence in a reinless appearance  - confused though I do like "strained on the sinful".
sable soaked nimbus, it’s fading through impulse - i like sable soaked nimbus
and it’s hearkening her back on the pavements dull crevice 
the sub-cutaneous premise - at the sight of the truth - like this too
her light is subdued, an oneiric allure encircles the cyclical gloom 
of life in the new where memories lie in the soon
as duality's stalk is embossed in the strive for pursuit. 


I feel like there is a lot of interesting words here that are competing with each other. Maybe there's a way to create some contrast and let the words with more impact stand out.
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