my own mind

[wipmp]

VERSION 2
Thank you so much for your feedback and help, Todd, LizzieP, and Billy.  Your constructive comments really helped.


Here is my Version 2.

my own mind

Hours committed to  analyzing,
detailed accounting numbers.

What will it take to make this work?

How many blocks will it take,
to make this building
stand up straight for its purpose?

In times that I need it,
confidence compels me to speak.
Years of learning professed by me.
When I opened my mouth, was it worth it?

Have you ever been asked to move a rocket?
How should we do it?


How many times have I said the wrong thing?

My mind gives me an individual interpretation of events. 
I can trust these thoughts, part of the time.

Mostly I love my reliable memory.
Sometimes though, I forget.

I mean to eat less, to sleep more,
to exercise.  And just to remember to move during the day.

To stop stressing so much.
Email checking...
Driven by the desire
to do things correctly.
Not leaving myself room
even to breath freely.

Perplexing perpetuation of habits unintended.
Why can't I change me?

This mind nags me.
Then when faced with failure it convicts me.

Sometimes in rebellion my mind goes wayward.

 Then I can be found lost in an meadow,
twittering with birds, lined with a creek,
swimming with fishes.

When I intended to be occupied attentively,
in a meeting I know is important.



VERSION 1
my own mind

I have spent so much time there.
I know its pathways.
 
Pronounced and strong
arching terraces of beautiful memories.
Low hanging fruit
rendered from reality.
 
Generous abundant confidence
mostly secured somehow.
Saved for times of need.
 
Individual interpretation
of events.
Sometimes I can trust it.
 
Perplexing perpetuation
of habits unintended.
Wayward wandering.
 
Lost in an meadow
twittering with birds,
lined with a creek swimming
with fishes.
 
When I intended to be
occupied attentively
in a meeting I know is
important.
 
Oh how I long to release it.
Oh how I worry where it would take me.

[Todd]

Hi wipmp, 

Let me give you some comments. Hopefully, they'll help you. This is a very difficult subject to pull off--mostly because it is often too introspective and boring. If it happens in your mind nothing actually happens.

I have spent so much time there.
I know its pathways.--The opening is flat. When you start with the title of "my own mind" and then you launch into the poem you need to move away from I have or I know passages and move directly into imagery. Otherwise, it is just more of the uninteresting introspection I mentioned.
 
Pronounced and strong--These adjective tags should just be demonstrated in the imagery itself.
arching terraces of beautiful memories.
Low hanging fruit--Cliche
rendered from reality.
 
Generous abundant confidence--Again a list of adjectives not proven in the image.
mostly secured somehow.--Vague
Saved for times of need.
 
Individual interpretation
of events.--Vague, gives a sense of something without delivering anything new or pushing the poem forward.
Sometimes I can trust it.
 
Perplexing perpetuation
of habits unintended.
Wayward wandering.--Again all of this is wordy without advancing theme or content. If it is doing that it's doing that in too vague of a manner.
 
Lost in an meadow--a not an. Also, since the terraces above this is a return to imagery. More of this less of the other elements.
twittering with birds,
lined with a creek swimming
with fishes.
 
When I intended to be
occupied attentively
in a meeting I know is
important. --Not much point in this strophe
 
Oh how I long to release it.
Oh how I worry where it would take me.--The two "it"s make a vague and unsatisfying conclusion.

I think abandoning these flatter statements and reworking this with more imagery would help. I also think focusing in on what revelation or epiphany you want the reader to walk away with should also be a priority.

I hope that helps some.

Best,

Todd

[wipmp]

Thanks Todd, it does help, I will work on a revision. Susan

[Lizzie]

Hi wipmp! I really like this, mostly because I also have spent a lot of time in my own mind. I think that we have that complexity in common. So, on to the poem.

I have spent so much time there.
I know its pathways. -- sorry this font is so wonky. I don't know how to change it. Anyway, I like how pathways moves into the arching terraces, the wandering, the meadow. It works well to convey a 'landscape' that is well known.
 
Pronounced and strong
arching terraces of beautiful memories.
Low hanging fruit
rendered from reality. -- I would rework these so that they are not sentence fragments. Also, periods provide unnecessarily abrupt end stops that work against the feeling of meandering around in the brain that you're trying to cultivate. I would lengthen your lines, utilize other forms of punctuation like em dashes, commas, semi colons to give more of a fluidity to the writing. Longer lines give more of a relaxed, rambling sense, and short lines are more tense and keep the reader moving quickly through the poem, almost hurried.
 
Generous abundant confidence
mostly secured somehow. -- need some imagery here to bring this to life. I think that this is one of your ideas for the poem, now you need to bring that idea to life with metaphor, images, etc. And I'm not a fan of using deliberately vague words like "somehow" "sometimes" "somewhere" "something" Every once in a while it works, but it mostly seems like the author gave up on finding better words.
Saved for times of need. -- fragment
 
Individual interpretation
of events. -- fragment
Sometimes I can trust it. This line is complete, but it's an unsatisfying ending. "It" feels weak, both because it isn't descriptive, and because it's generally an uninteresting word to break on a line on. Just as on is an uninteresting word to break a line on. So, maybe I'm not the best model here!
 
Perplexing perpetuation
of habits unintended. -- I have no idea what this means.
Wayward wandering. -- fragment. And now the font goes back to normal. Sorry bout that.
 
Lost in an meadow
twittering with birds,
lined with a creek swimming
with fishes. -- I would tie these elements to specific aspects of your mental structure -- these could be a great base for a metaphor.
 
When I intended to be
occupied attentively
in a meeting I know is
important. -- Humorous. It might not be intended as humorous, but I found it such. I like.
 
Oh how I long to release it. -- need a stronger ending, again. The last word of the line is really important, as it stands out more than the rest of the sentence. Line breaks are your opportunity to highlight important words that you want to really stand out.
Oh how I worry where it would take me.

Thanks for sharing! I look forward to reading more from you ><

[billy]

the reader more often than not needs something to get their metaphorical teeth into. use metaphor/simile and a few more sonic devices such as alliteration which you use in L6 the first line is weak and also redundant, it's your mind; that you've spent a lot of time there is a given. a suggestion wpuld be to remove the 1st line and use the 2nd as the title. after that the poem becomes a bed for words and phrasing that show the reader too little/nothing. generous like.....strong like...... terraces arching like.....

I have spent so much time there.
I know its pathways.

Pronounced and strong
arching terraces of beautiful memories.
Low hanging fruit big cliche
rendered from reality.

Generous abundant confidence what does this mean, can it be better shown through simile or metaphor?
mostly secured somehow. so it's not secured?
Saved for times of need.

Individual interpretation
of events.
Sometimes I can trust it.

Perplexing perpetuation
of habits unintended.
Wayward wandering. again, the stanza falls flat because it shows nothing

Lost in an meadow [a] not [an]
twittering with birds,
lined with a creek swimming
with fishes.

When I intended to be
occupied attentively
in a meeting I know is
important.

Oh how I long to release it.
Oh how I worry where it would take me.