Fifty Shades of Grey Mice

[Todd]

--Three blind mice, three blind mice


She wanted to be the only voice
in the universe to divide
dark from light--like God.
In the beginning, she used bats
but found they saw better without eyes.
We were blindfolded as we ran
through the hedgerow maze
past roses blooming in a perpetual night.
Beauty painted with a thorn's brush
against our skin. There was no red
word hovering over the waters
that we might speak to stop
the descent of the knife.

~~


*Very old NaPM poem with a few updates.

[Leanne]

--Three blind mice, three blind mice -- personally I'd leave this out here, and put in a more solid allusion in the poem body


She wanted to be the only voice
in the universe to divide
dark from light--like God. -- the breaks in these three lines seem off to me but I can't think of a solution, unless it is to remove "like God", because I'm not sure that's necessary.  Also, perhaps you could break L1 on "only".  
In the beginning, she used bats
but found they saw better without eyes. -- now that I read it again, I could actually see "in the beginning" as your opening line.  This would make sense without the first three lines, I think, but of course it's hard to tell because I've already read the first three lines
We were blindfolded as we ran
through the hedgerow maze
past roses blooming in a perpetual night. -- I'm thinking something along the lines of "through the maze of hedgerows and roses that threw scent into perpetual night" -- because a visual image of blooming is out of place and not enough of a contrast to work as absurdity.
Beauty painted with a thorn's brush -- this is a bit gooey and overly romantic-sounding.  Again, the visual image is not right, plus that abstraction of "beauty" really detracts from the sensual nature of the poem.
against our skin. There was no red -- what about "we could see no red word"? Because I read this and just went, yep, well, they wouldn't see it anyway would they?  Even non-literal blindfolds need to be respected.
word hovering over the waters
that we might speak to stop -- how do you think "to stop" would go on a line of its own?
the descent of the knife.

~~


*Very old NaPM poem with a few updates.

[kolemath]

Hey, Todd.  I must admit some trouble with this one.  I see the nursery rhyme connection of running blindfolded and the knife cutting off mice tails in the end, but I guess my trouble is with the farmer's wife, (if this is remotely close to the poem's intended meaning).  I didn't read the S&M novel either, so maybe that's my trouble.  I like the lines by themselves, but I'm still reaching or a unified theme to connect them.

--Three blind mice, three blind mice


She wanted to be the only voice
in the universe to divide
dark from light--like God. great biblical allusion. it makes sense for a farmer's wife wanting to kill squeeking mice too
In the beginning, she used bats i like leanne's idea about the beginning in the beginning; this fits with the biblical reference too
but found they saw better without eyes. here's my first issue with connecting the meaning of sentences; by itself, this is an interesting line, but how do bats connect to hunting mice? is there a character allusion/connection i'm missing
We were blindfolded as we ran
through the hedgerow maze a row as a maze, interesting choice
past roses blooming in a perpetual night. good imagery, i take this as mice running
Beauty painted with a thorn's brush good sonics brush/bush ambiguity, but i'm not sure i get enough speed for running mice in these lines
against our skin. There was no red i like all the reference to red in these lines, which i take to be running from death
word hovering over the waters from rows of roses to waters, how did the mice get here?
that we might speak to stop
the descent of the knife. How can the biblical allusions come back in here? they seem abandoned after the first two sentences; god banishing from paradise?

~~


*Very old NaPM poem with a few updates.

thanks for sharing todd. this critique took a few readings on my part. i'm hope i'm not out here in left field.

[Todd]

Hi Leanne, Thank you. I'll address your comments below.

--Three blind mice, three blind mice -- personally I'd leave this out here, and put in a more solid allusion in the poem body --This was a carry over from the prompt. The epigraph isn't necessary as long as its grounded somewhere in the poem--as you mentioned. I'll give it some thought.


She wanted to be the only voice
in the universe to divide
dark from light--like God. -- the breaks in these three lines seem off to me but I can't think of a solution, unless it is to remove "like God", because I'm not sure that's necessary.  Also, perhaps you could break L1 on "only".  --I tend to resist longer lines, and I might have moved myself into a clipped format coming from a nursery rhyme. I think if I were to simply rework the breaks without moving the content much it might break on universe in line 1 and pull up line three to end line 2 as a longer line.
In the beginning, she used bats
but found they saw better without eyes. -- now that I read it again, I could actually see "in the beginning" as your opening line.  This would make sense without the first three lines, I think, but of course it's hard to tell because I've already read the first three lines --I hadn't thought about the Genesis 1/John 1 opening but it is an option to consider. I'll give it some thought.
We were blindfolded as we ran
through the hedgerow maze
past roses blooming in a perpetual night. -- I'm thinking something along the lines of "through the maze of hedgerows and roses that threw scent into perpetual night" -- because a visual image of blooming is out of place and not enough of a contrast to work as absurdity.--That's a very good point. It also means that I should probably review this in its entirety to include more sensory details beyond sight.
Beauty painted with a thorn's brush -- this is a bit gooey and overly romantic-sounding.  Again, the visual image is not right, plus that abstraction of "beauty" really detracts from the sensual nature of the poem.--I take your point. I could see how this could be a shorthand cheat and should probably go deeper.
against our skin. There was no red -- what about "we could see no red word"? Because I read this and just went, yep, well, they wouldn't see it anyway would they?  Even non-literal blindfolds need to be respected.--Yeah continuity issue or at the least an of course you can't see morons issue. This will probably get worked out if I work to engage more senses.
word hovering over the waters
that we might speak to stop -- how do you think "to stop" would go on a line of its own?--I think I'm annoyed I didn't see that myself.
the descent of the knife.

~~


*Very old NaPM poem with a few updates.

Appreciate the comments.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

Hey Kole, Thank you for the time you spent with this one. I'll address your comments below.

Hey, Todd.  I must admit some trouble with this one.  I see the nursery rhyme connection of running blindfolded and the knife cutting off mice tails in the end, but I guess my trouble is with the farmer's wife, (if this is remotely close to the poem's intended meaning).  I didn't read the S&M novel either, so maybe that's my trouble.  I like the lines by themselves, but I'm still reaching or a unified theme to connect them.--Well if it's any consolation, I didn't read the S&M novel either. Thanks for letting me know where you were having trouble.

--Three blind mice, three blind mice


She wanted to be the only voice
in the universe to divide
dark from light--like God. great biblical allusion. it makes sense for a farmer's wife wanting to kill squeeking mice too--I'm going for a bit of a mashup between the nursery rhyme and 50 shades. So hopefully it works for the farmers wife as farmers wife and dominatrix (I realize I've reversed the sexes but whatever). 
In the beginning, she used bats i like leanne's idea about the beginning in the beginning; this fits with the biblical reference too--I hadn't been even thinking about it as a biblical reference probably a subconscious thing.
but found they saw better without eyes. here's my first issue with connecting the meaning of sentences; by itself, this is an interesting line, but how do bats connect to hunting mice? is there a character allusion/connection i'm missing--Yes it's an allusion thing your not familiar with. I'm trying something new with my critique response here as I normally hate to explain anything in a workshop--as I won't know if people truly see what's in the poem, or if I accidently added it through my explanation. So, bats have something to do with either three blind mice or 50 shades, but they don't actually hunt the mice.
We were blindfolded as we ran
through the hedgerow maze a row as a maze, interesting choice--Thanks
past roses blooming in a perpetual night. good imagery, i take this as mice running--Yes
Beauty painted with a thorn's brush good sonics brush/bush ambiguity, but i'm not sure i get enough speed for running mice in these lines--Interesting thought on adding a frantic sort of chasing scurrying feel to the lines.
against our skin. There was no red i like all the reference to red in these lines, which i take to be running from death--The break might be too gimmicky but yes running from death and then the layered "red word" with the break.
word hovering over the waters from rows of roses to waters, how did the mice get here?--I can see now that that in the beginning was my subconscious. I'm back in genesis with the waters again (I honestly didn't think about why I wrote that but I can see now I was tying back in those earlier lines). Spirit hovering over the dark waters in creation). The red word being a sort of Logos. Okay I'm explaining--sorry breaking my own rules.
that we might speak to stop
the descent of the knife. How can the biblical allusions come back in here? they seem abandoned after the first two sentences; god banishing from paradise?--Actually I did add a biblical allusion in the last line, but it may be out of place and hard to spot. It could also be badly done.

~~


*Very old NaPM poem with a few updates.

thanks for sharing todd. this critique took a few readings on my part. i'm hope i'm not out here in left field.--No you seemed to track fine. The problem is the poem is a very early draft and needs to be developed.

I do appreciate the comments.

Thanks,

Todd

[RiverNotch]

--Three blind mice, three blind mice At first, this was detracting, what with the memory of children singing -- now, it's detracting, but more because it doesn't read like the rest. 

She wanted to be the only voice
in the universe to divide
dark from light--like God. "Like God" feels redundant. "In the beginning" being moved here would clarify the point just as much 

"She" being the farmer's wife -- by my clearest read, the author of the book, too. Is it a stereotype that farmer's wives are promiscuous?
So the farmer's wife -- the author -- wanted, somehow, all the attention to herself, attention a la God, want a la Lucifer. Minor point, though: does not God also exist in the universe? So how can she be the only voice? Unless the author meant that God existed in a different way than her, or that God doesn't exist at all; but for the first, that's too subtle a read, and for the second, there may be too many Biblical references here for that to be so.

In the beginning, she used bats
but found they saw better without eyes. Rhythmically, I prefer "...found that they..."

Kinda funny, my first reading of this: she used baseball bats, blinded her mice with them, found that they saw better without eyes. Still, that image of baseball bats stuck, as I transitioned to thinking of the beasts, and because of that it sticks more -- I wonder if others had the same experience.

We were blindfolded as we ran
through the hedgerow maze

So, now taking mice instead of bats, she blindfolded them, then stuck them in a maze, with her voice, I assume, as the only guide. Most straightforward two lines in this whole poem -- also, I think, the most effective. The poem's really, really quiet tone made the whole thought take longer than usual to sink, at least for me. And I'm not sure if that's a good thing.
As for how she blindfolded them (perhaps the book? I sort of imagine that blinding them would be somewhat better, but that would give too much good credit to the book ---- or perhaps the woman? In which case, I would prefer if the title were changed, since it's really what's leading me on to the thought of the book), what running is supposed to represent (living? loving?), and what the maze truly is (life? love? or a literal maze, built for The Shining-inspired abusecapades), as evidenced by the parentheticals, ambiguity abounds, though surely the good king.

past roses blooming in a perpetual night.
Beauty painted with a thorn's brush
against our skin. There was no red

With those blindfolds, she leads the mice from easier, possibly better (if temporary, illusory, although that's a thought the poem doesn't really explore) catches to, well, their deaths -- but surely they're not running to just their deaths, if they're running to the voice of the woman? Or is that the paradox of nihilism/atheism explored (in a world where the existence of "God" is completely sure, at least from the eyes of the observers)? Anyway, as the mice ran past them, they got wounded, but with the way the relevant lines are worded, there are two possible emphases:
1.) Beauty, as in the personification of beauty, guided a thorn's brush to create scars, whether themselves beautiful or not unclear, although the fact that beauty is what guides the brush clarifies the chances. The more likely guess, according to how the poem's now structured, because...
2.)...this second guess assumes the sentence is, in fact, a fragment; that beauty (thus, the scars are surely beautiful) is painted against the skin of the mice with a thorn's brush.
I do think the ambiguity here is bad, though, since it doesn't seem to add anything, only make the words seem deficient, as if the poet couldn't word it any better.
I do agree with an earlier critique that "roses blooming" seems a little disjoint, though not, for me, the image itself, which I find essential, since it focuses on the color of the roses, which seems to be the main theme of these three lines (and thus, I do think that to "throw scent" would weaken it, especially since it introduces a brand new, and by my judgment utterly irrelevant, sense), but instead by the way it's worded -- "blooming" seems to be too lively, even if, by interpretation, it means youth, beauty revealed, virginal sex. I don't have any alternatives to offer, however.

word hovering over the waters

A fine, and for me, very relevant theological point: was it not the Spirit that hovered over the waters, and not the Word? And the poem overall does not seem to be structured according to a subtle revelation of the trinity. But to change "word" to "breath" or "wind" might make the sentence a little bit more nonsensical, considering one can write words with red ink, and the sentence's continuation -- still, the theology, even if it is more just a reference, is more crucial, I think.

that we might speak to stop
the descent of the knife.

So the mice figure that there is no "red word" -- savior, surely, but of what sort, either Messiah or Uncle, left (delightfully) unclear -- to stop "the descent of the knife" -- a return to the nursery rhyme, meaning most obviously death, but if taken to the whole 50 Shades author angle means, what, a tantrum? a public shaming? At this point, that angle might fall apart, but perhaps it's because I don't have as clear a grasp of what troubles that woman can really cause, aside from her literary "The Room" -- or perhaps a sequel? But hadn't she already finished her trilogy? Then again, Rowling is returning to Harry Potter...
Yes, that's certainly the knife, from that angle.
A quiet end to an overall quiet poem. A little too quiet for my taste -- took me a long, long time to get to this point, and along the way the delights of the references and such weren't enough to keep me so glued. And no answers, shades of answers, or annoying, unanswerable questions that could stand in for answers, too -- just a picture, or rather a short, somewhat blurry video, and all its associated musings, memories, shadows....Still, dissections always pleasure me, so thanks for the read!

[Todd]

RN, Thank you I appreciate the comments.

--Three blind mice, three blind mice At first, this was detracting, what with the memory of children singing -- now, it's detracting, but more because it doesn't read like the rest. --Noted.

She wanted to be the only voice
in the universe to divide
dark from light--like God. "Like God" feels redundant. "In the beginning" being moved here would clarify the point just as much --I'll add another note on the optional change to the opening.

"She" being the farmer's wife -- by my clearest read, the author of the book, too. Is it a stereotype that farmer's wives are promiscuous?
So the farmer's wife -- the author -- wanted, somehow, all the attention to herself, attention a la God, want a la Lucifer. Minor point, though: does not God also exist in the universe? So how can she be the only voice? Unless the author meant that God existed in a different way than her, or that God doesn't exist at all; but for the first, that's too subtle a read, and for the second, there may be too many Biblical references here for that to be so.--I hadn't really considered promiscuity I think the stereotype is the farmer's daughters. I follow where you're going with God and the Universe. The construct is consistent to me as I consider the speaker but I'll work through it again to confirm.

In the beginning, she used bats
but found they saw better without eyes. Rhythmically, I prefer "...found that they..."--that seems like filler to me, but I'll consider the addition in light of possible rhythm enhancement.

Kinda funny, my first reading of this: she used baseball bats, blinded her mice with them, found that they saw better without eyes. Still, that image of baseball bats stuck, as I transitioned to thinking of the beasts, and because of that it sticks more -- I wonder if others had the same experience.--I guess they could have. I do need the bats though so hopefully we're not thinking baseball.

We were blindfolded as we ran
through the hedgerow maze

So, now taking mice instead of bats, she blindfolded them, then stuck them in a maze, with her voice, I assume, as the only guide. Most straightforward two lines in this whole poem -- also, I think, the most effective. The poem's really, really quiet tone made the whole thought take longer than usual to sink, at least for me. And I'm not sure if that's a good thing.
As for how she blindfolded them (perhaps the book? I sort of imagine that blinding them would be somewhat better, but that would give too much good credit to the book ---- or perhaps the woman? In which case, I would prefer if the title were changed, since it's really what's leading me on to the thought of the book), what running is supposed to represent (living? loving?), and what the maze truly is (life? love? or a literal maze, built for The Shining-inspired abusecapades), as evidenced by the parentheticals, ambiguity abounds, though surely the good king.--some good thoughts to consider.


past roses blooming in a perpetual night.
Beauty painted with a thorn's brush
against our skin. There was no red

With those blindfolds, she leads the mice from easier, possibly better (if temporary, illusory, although that's a thought the poem doesn't really explore) catches to, well, their deaths -- but surely they're not running to just their deaths, if they're running to the voice of the woman? Or is that the paradox of nihilism/atheism explored (in a world where the existence of "God" is completely sure, at least from the eyes of the observers)? Anyway, as the mice ran past them, they got wounded, but with the way the relevant lines are worded, there are two possible emphases:
1.) Beauty, as in the personification of beauty, guided a thorn's brush to create scars, whether themselves beautiful or not unclear, although the fact that beauty is what guides the brush clarifies the chances. The more likely guess, according to how the poem's now structured, because...
2.)...this second guess assumes the sentence is, in fact, a fragment; that beauty (thus, the scars are surely beautiful) is painted against the skin of the mice with a thorn's brush.
I do think the ambiguity here is bad, though, since it doesn't seem to add anything, only make the words seem deficient, as if the poet couldn't word it any better.
I do agree with an earlier critique that "roses blooming" seems a little disjoint, though not, for me, the image itself, which I find essential, since it focuses on the color of the roses, which seems to be the main theme of these three lines (and thus, I do think that to "throw scent" would weaken it, especially since it introduces a brand new, and by my judgment utterly irrelevant, sense), but instead by the way it's worded -- "blooming" seems to be too lively, even if, by interpretation, it means youth, beauty revealed, virginal sex. I don't have any alternatives to offer, however.--Interesting point on blooming and a lot of good thoughts that I'm going to take time working through.

word hovering over the waters

A fine, and for me, very relevant theological point: was it not the Spirit that hovered over the waters, and not the Word? And the poem overall does not seem to be structured according to a subtle revelation of the trinity. But to change "word" to "breath" or "wind" might make the sentence a little bit more nonsensical, considering one can write words with red ink, and the sentence's continuation -- still, the theology, even if it is more just a reference, is more crucial, I think.

that we might speak to stop
the descent of the knife.

So the mice figure that there is no "red word" -- savior, surely, but of what sort, either Messiah or Uncle, left (delightfully) unclear -- to stop "the descent of the knife" -- a return to the nursery rhyme, meaning most obviously death, but if taken to the whole 50 Shades author angle means, what, a tantrum? a public shaming? At this point, that angle might fall apart, but perhaps it's because I don't have as clear a grasp of what troubles that woman can really cause, aside from her literary "The Room" -- or perhaps a sequel? But hadn't she already finished her trilogy? Then again, Rowling is returning to Harry Potter...
Yes, that's certainly the knife, from that angle.
A quiet end to an overall quiet poem. A little too quiet for my taste -- took me a long, long time to get to this point, and along the way the delights of the references and such weren't enough to keep me so glued. And no answers, shades of answers, or annoying, unanswerable questions that could stand in for answers, too -- just a picture, or rather a short, somewhat blurry video, and all its associated musings, memories, shadows....Still, dissections always pleasure me, so thanks for the read!--Thanks for the comments. You engaged often and made some points that I will have to give more thought to.

I do appreciate the time you spent with this RN. You've given me a lot to think about.

Best,

Todd