Nothing

[Lawrence]

Wrote this in a fit of boredom at college.
My verse is mainly for fun, so I hope you enjoy!
(Critique away, of course)

I’m mailing a letter to no one
In hopes he will get back to me
But there’s plenty of busying business
In being a non-entity

He has got to show up in your pockets
Of pants that you’ve strung on your rack
And inhabit the inside of boxes
Your neighbors neglected to pack.

While he’s lurking within every bubble
He’s floating in deep outer space
Inside the one “o” in “trouble”
And every word you erase

And nothing is always greater than God,
And nothing is lesser than one
And nothing can ride moonshine on a wave
And nothing can swallow the sun

Hopefully after he’s done with his tasks
He’ll answer the letter I’ve wrote
In his usual fashion, lacking a stamp
On the addressless envelope

[heslopian]

This reminds me of Emily Dickinson, mostly due to the loneliness theme, four line stanzas and rigid rhyme scheme.

I’m mailing a letter to no one
In hopes he will get back to me
But there’s plenty of busying business
In being a non-entity

Not sure I like "busying business"; sounds a bit too cute to me. Would "tiring business" work better?

He has got to show up in your pockets
Of pants that you’ve strung on your rack
And inhabit the inside of boxes
Your neighbors neglected to pack.

The lines here seem a tad too long (IMHO) and therefore disrupt the rhythm. Would this edit improve the stanzas flow?:

He hides within your pants pockets,
Whilst they're hanging on the rack,
And inhabits the insides of boxes
That you've forgotten to pack.

While he’s lurking within every bubble
He’s floating in deep outer space
Inside the one “o” in “trouble”
And every word you erase

Is "while" needed? I think the second line should read "deep in," as the unstressed following the stressed syllable would improve the rhythm. It would also help, in my opinion, if you removed "one" before ""o"" in the third, and prefixed "word" with "last" in the fourth, though that's just a personal thing.

And nothing is always greater than God,
And nothing is lesser than one
And nothing can ride moonshine on a wave
And nothing can swallow the sun

I'm not sure I understand the third line. Isn't "moonshine" distilled alcohol? I love the third line, however.

Hopefully after he’s done with his tasks
He’ll answer the letter I’ve wrote
In his usual fashion, lacking a stamp
On the addressless envelope

I think the second line should end with "I wrote"; "I've wrote" doesn't sound grammatically correct. The last two lines are very good, though they're a wee bit clumsily written. I don't think "addressless" is a word.

On the whole, this is a good poem; creative and melodic. The structure is rather archaic, but I think it works. Thanks for the read, Lawrence

[billy]

a fine nonsense poem along the lines of;

I went to the pictures tomorrow
I took a front seat at the back
I fell from the pit to the gallery
And broke a front bone in my back
A lady she gave me some chocolate
I ate it and gave it her back
I phoned for a taxi and walked it
And thats why i never came back which i remember from my childhood.
not much to critique in a nonsense poem
unless it makes sense, thankfully the 5th verse does (for me)and therefore doesn't really fit the theme of the poem

While he’s lurking within every bubble
He’s floating in deep outer space
Inside the one “o” in “trouble”
And every word you erase
the above was my fave verse and;

Inside the one “o” in “trouble”
my fave line

thanks for a good write lawrence.

[addy]

Very interesting poem, I loved the subject and how you played around with it. I'm conflicted about the fourth stanza... I adore it, but it's a tad off from the rest of the piece (it more pontificated the idea rather than played with it). Still, on the whole it works very, very well.