Shoot the bow
and chase after
the arrow up
the hill and down
the mountain where
your flower, Sephorah, stands --
I heard her speak. I listened to her conspire.
Remember, I can hear everything,
even what dreams may flower in the night.
She said she would not cut the skin,
she would not appear before you red --
no, she was too afraid of bloodshed.
I will show her bloodshed.
But I do not condemn your choice. You walk
the right path, your feet
being already red.
This is your destiny, Moses:
out of Egypt
will you carry
your mother's bones,
your father's bones,
then bury them
in a hundred-silver tomb at Shechem,
right next to where the lion
should become a home for honey.
Now don't weep. You won't
taste any of it anyway. For you,
the waters of lake Marah
or perhaps the snows atop Mount Nabau
shall be sweet enough.
THE BUSH
Shoot the bow
and chase after
the arrow up
the hill and down
the mountain where
your flower, Sephorah, stands --
I heard her speak. I listened to her conspire.
Remember, I can hear everything,
even what dreams may flower in the night.
She said she would not cut the skin,
she would not appear before you red --
no, she was too afraid of bloodshed.
I will show her bloodshed.
But I do not condemn your choice. You walk
the right path, your feet
being already red.
This is your destiny, Moses:
out of Egypt
will you carry
your mother's bones,
your father's bones,
then bury them
in a hundred-silver tomb at Shechem,
right next to where the lion
should become a home for honey,
but far before the land where the lamb
should return to the snows of the temple.
Now don't weep. You won't
taste any of it anyway. For you,
the waters of lake Marah
or perhaps the snows atop Mount Nabau
shall be sweet enough.
Shoot the bow
and chase after
the arrow up
the hill and down ---------- this is a turn off; too much like up one side and down the other
the mountain where
your flower, Sephorah, stands -- "your flower"doesn't make anything better, women are too often referred to as flowers
I heard her speak. I listened to her conspire. ----- as a reader I need something more intense like I hear her conspiring nuance
Remember, I can hear everything, ------------- your attempting to invoke paranoia but it doesn't really work; it's just to plain
even what dreams may flower in the night. ------ "flower" is becoming redundant here...dreams are the product minds unleashed
She said she would not cut the skin, ------ why not cut through skin or slice a vein
she would not appear before you red
no, she was too afraid of bloodshed.
And so I will show her bloodshed. ------ this line doesn't really need "and so" using one or the other is better here
But I do not condemn your choice. You walk
the right path, your feet ------- walking the "right path" again, is something we see often
being already red.
This is your destiny, Moses: These next few lines are probably my favorite
out of Egypt
will you carry
your mother's bones,
your father's bones,
then bury them
in a hundred-silver tomb at Shechem,
right next to where the lion
should become a home for honey,
but far before the land where the lamb ----- when reading out loud, land and lamb nearly drown one another out
should return to the snows of the temple.
Now don't weep. You won't -------- the transition between the previous strophe and this one isn't good. As a reader I find myself wonder how I got here
taste any of it anyway. For you,
the waters of lake Marah
or perhaps the snows atop Mount Nabau
shall be sweet enough.
There's so much cliche in the first two strophes it's hard to appreciate where your going with the following three. As a reader I need something to draw me in and prepare for what's to come. Furthermore, S4 doesn't fuse well with S5 for me; I think omitting "don't weep" would work better. You have something to work with here and with some revision you'll have a great poem, really.
Good work.
Luna
In your own, each bone comes alive the skeleton jangles in its perfunctory sleeve....
Shoot the bow
and chase after
the arrow up
the hill and down ---------- this is a turn off; too much like up one side and down the other It's up a hill and down the mountain, which I think is different enough.
the mountain where
your flower, Sephorah, stands -- "your flower"doesn't make anything better, women are too often referred to as flowers I don't really see the issue here -- with the second, but notably different, use of flower in the piece, the use of flower for Moses' wife shouldn't be so offensive, at least aesthetically.
I heard her speak. I listened to her conspire. ----- as a reader I need something more intense like I hear her conspiring nuance
Remember, I can hear everything, ------------- your attempting to invoke paranoia but it doesn't really work; it's just to plain I'm not trying to make this sound too sinister, but perhaps it's an element that would be useful.
even what dreams may flower in the night. ------ "flower" is becoming redundant here...dreams are the product minds unleashed This is only the second time flower is used, and its use is as a verb, not a noun. I don't see how 'flower' here has become either redundant or unnecessary, especially considering the speaker's hinted use of "flower" for women....
She said she would not cut the skin, ------ why not cut through skin or slice a vein Because foreskin breaks the rhythm, and this is a reference to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zipporah_at_the_inn
she would not appear before you red
no, she was too afraid of bloodshed.
And so I will show her bloodshed. ------ this line doesn't really need "and so" using one or the other is better here Agreed. Gonna stealth-edit that out.
But I do not condemn your choice. You walk
the right path, your feet ------- walking the "right path" again, is something we see often I don't see how I'm gonna improve upon this. I think the next image, 'red feet', justifies the slight, slight cliche.
being already red.
This is your destiny, Moses: These next few lines are probably my favorite
out of Egypt
will you carry
your mother's bones,
your father's bones,
then bury them
in a hundred-silver tomb at Shechem,
right next to where the lion
should become a home for honey,
but far before the land where the lamb ----- when reading out loud, land and lamb nearly drown one another out In the very first draft, these last two lines didn't even exist. Now I'm considering just removing the two (the "snows atop Mount Nabau" should be enough to keep with the mini-theme here, which I don't think I need to reveal right now) and leaving this with, say, an ellipsis.
should return to the snows of the temple.
Now don't weep. You won't -------- the transition between the previous strophe and this one isn't good. As a reader I find myself wonder how I got here Agreed. Any suggestions?
taste any of it anyway. For you,
the waters of lake Marah
or perhaps the snows atop Mount Nabau
shall be sweet enough.
There's so much cliche in the first two strophes it's hard to appreciate where your going with the following three. As a reader I need something to draw me in and prepare for what's to come. Furthermore, S4 doesn't fuse well with S5 for me; I think omitting "don't weep" would work better. -- I'm not sure that's the solution: at that point, God is basically telling Moses he's not gonna die in the promised land, thus the "don't weep", but perhaps the sentiment really is clear enough?
You have something to work with here and with some revision you'll have a great poem, really.
You've got the right old-testament feel to it - the language is mildly grandiloquent, the references at the right places.
However, I don't know if the subject matter itself is credible enough in this day and age - God threatening to kill Moses because he didn't have his son circumcised, if I'm correct.
Sometimes, the juice isn't worth the squeeze.
It might be better to get rid of the ridiculous goatherd-society fairy story feel of S2. Basically, take the bare bones of the Exodus story and flesh it out with something more credible and capable of empathy.
07-13-2016, 07:09 PM (This post was last modified: 07-13-2016, 07:11 PM by RiverNotch.)
It's not just that, it's all God appearing to Moses on mount Horeb, and him giving Moses the juice on anything. But yeah, I get your point massively -- though I am still feeling a good deal invested in the journey to the Promised Land, I'm getting rather tired of this specific expression of that plot. I'll put this piece on hold, see if I could approach it from a different place -- right now, I'm most digging Sephorah's p-o-v on that whole circumcision thing.
And to let it all out, the hidden thing is Kate Bush, who I marathoned recently -- starting from the Dreaming, I believe I managed to reference all of her studio albums. But ah, I think it's sorta irrelevant anyway, more a bit of novelty than juice.
I wanted to critique it without the influence of previous critics so my apologies if any of this is redundant
(07-09-2016, 11:12 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: THE BUSH
Shoot the bow
and chase after i really like this entire first block, shoot the bow, chase your own arrow,
the arrow up
the hill and down the hille seems small where you aim but nope, thats a mountain youll have to scale
the mountain where
your flower, Sephorah, stands -- had to pull out the dictionary. cant find sephorah, think its a name referring to 'her'
I heard her speak. I listened to her conspire.
Remember, I can hear everything,
even what dreams may flower in the night. Is she Sephorah? this block makes me think youre God, exclaiming your power
She said she would not cut the skin,
she would not appear before you red --
no, she was too afraid of bloodshed. this is ominous and intriguing
I will show her bloodshed.
But I do not condemn your choice. You walk
the right path, your feet but here you seem to write an entirely different poem about Exodus
being already red.
This is your destiny, Moses: i love relating things to exodus, but only in my head
out of Egypt
will you carry
your mother's bones, reciting history
your father's bones,
then bury them
in a hundred-silver tomb at Shechem,
right next to where the lion i like the wording through here and biblical imagery
should become a home for honey,
but far before the land where the lamb but it still seems just like another way to say what was already said
should return to the snows of the temple.
Now don't weep. You won't
taste any of it anyway. For you,
the waters of lake Marah why nabau over nebo?
or perhaps the snows atop Mount Nabau
shall be sweet enough. because i lost sight of sephorah i dont know who youre really talking to, or about
the general message seems one of hope much like most of the old testament, cant argue with that, but maybe if you show more bloodshed?
The first stanza is oddly free verse, or even free-form, for what is otherwise a fairly structured piece. I enjoyed the poem as a whole a great deal, though, and it's one of my favourite poems on this site for a while, not just because it deals in a subject and way of writing that I've always enjoyed. It has the eloquence, deep emotion, and violence of a classic fairy tale, and the grand pronouncements and strong sense of time and place of Biblical prose, a powerful combination, and one which shows you to be a great storyteller. Thank you for the read. - Jack xxx
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
Somehow, this has stuck with me. Sephorah and Nabau are the Greek forms of Zipporah and Nebo -- I went with them because I was reading a translation of the Septuagint at the time. The only "she" in the story is Sephorah, the only "you" is Moses, the only "I" is God -- the setting is God addressing Moses extra-Bibliam on Mount Horeb. I do agree that the piece is quite cold, and that eventually I'll have to work on Sephorah's point of view on this, which I think is much more powerful emotionally, but right now....
Anyway, another edit: I've removed the last two lines of the penultimate stanza, finding them too ungraceful. Also, how many times have I used that saying, "lion, hive/home of honey"?
