In Hell, There is Honey

[crow]

In Hell, There is Honey (lyrics)

In hell, there is honey and dreams—
Yes, child, even there,
amid the torment of
them piercing things.

What they pain you with
is exactly this: 
good things 
that will never be.

In hell, there is honey and dreams.

They couldn't hurt you
if nothing was ever sweet.
They'd only purge you.
That's why it has to be

in hell, there is honey and dreams.

https://soundcloud.com/christopher-young...e-is-honey

[Achebe]

Hi crow - I think a poem that begins with 'In hell there is...' needs to have tempo. There's only so long that a reader is going to suspend disbelief for, and if the poem plods along for too long, he'll lose interest. 
Some thoughts below:

In Hell, There is Honey (lyrics)

In hell, there is honey and dreams—
Yes, child, even there,  addressing the poem to a child is a distraction. Why not address it directly to the reader? The child doesn't answer in any case. Also, makes sense to carry on in one sweep from the previous line, without losing tempo
amid the torment of
them piercing things  why did you have 'them'??

What they that pain you with again, carrying on from the previous line before the reader snaps out of it
is exactly this: I like the slant rhyme of things / this
good things  repetition of 'things', but the repetition actually sounds nice
that will never will be. the inversion sounds better to the ear

In hell, there is honey and dreams. I think you need to rethink S2

They couldn't hurt you
if nothing was ever sweet.
They'd only purge you.
That's why it has to be

in hell, there is honey and dreams.

https://soundcloud.com/christopher-young...e-is-honey

[Gardy2016]

I clicked on the link to your soundcloud page. I didn't know what to make of this poem when I read it. When I heard you sing it with those haunting stretched out notes, in your melodic and melancholy tone, I liked it a bit better.

My ear wanted to hear you do something different with the repeating line. Sounded like a chorus, but to me the way you ended the word "dreams" sounded clumsy. It was like you didn't know how you were going to sing it each time. You seemed unsure of yourself.

[Quixilated]

Hello Crow,

I loved this. Just the words before I heard it, then the song when I heard the tune. Before I heard the singing part I tried to imagine the tune (love a mystery, can't help making a guess before the reveal) and I sang it soooooo much faster. I think my country roots had me think "fiddle tune" since there are so many fiddle songs about the devil. Then it was the slow haunting thing and it suited the words and the idea. It actually reminded me of a lullaby. I know it seems a bit grim for a lullaby, but do you know how many lullabies are mildly depressing? Most of them. I am watching my sister's one year old and he heard me listening to it and loved it. And I believe children are the purest critics, for they either like something or they don't, without overthinking it. . Anyway, sorry rambling. I like the simplicity. I like the language you used the "them piercing things" and "yes child" it suits it. And I love the idea, the philosophy or whatever. I've often had the same thought only the inverse, I can't understand how we can be truly happy in heaven if there is not sorrow or pain to NOT feel. I am never happiest when nothing is wrong, but when sorrow has just ended, or been narrowly averted. This idea that you can't be truly miserable in Hell without a little honey to remind you that you even are miserable, it's lovely, and I think you presented it in a lovely way.
--Quix

[Achebe]

Hello crow, I didn't notice that it was posted in miscellaneous. Got confused between this and your other poem, which has been posted in a w/s forum. Please feel free to ignore my comments

[just mercedes]

Did you intend the title to remind me of 'balm in Gilead'? 'Cos it does. Love the sounds.