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Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
You are the Watch Man—
—synchronized—
on time,
in rhyme,
clock chime.
Your ideas are precise
and p.u.n.c.t.u.a.t.e.d.
Your t's are always perfect,
a package intact,
like little perfect crosses.
Your baptism beliefs
—so streamlined—
are written clean
in decisive cursive—
one-sided, double spaced
on yellow legal pads—
then filed in cold, smooth cabinets,
in manila envelopes,
sealed with lined, white labels.
You are a trash compactor
feeding yourself archaic decay
that you force into cubes
with magnificent effort,
bending rust
into sharpened edges.
Oh, dad, what a sin I am to you,
the foul stench
of curved flesh
in your solid, metal cubes—
the i missing its dot.
Edit 1
You are the Watch Man –
– synchronized –
on time,
in rhyme,
clock chime.
Your ideas are precise
and p.u.n.c.t.u.a.t.e.d.
Your t's are always perfect,
a package intact,
like little perfect crosses.
Your baptism beliefs
– so streamlined –
are written
clean
in decisive cursive –
one-sided,
double spaced on black
ruled
tablets – then filed in cold,
smooth
cabinets, in manila envelopes,
sealed
with lined, white
labels.
You are a trash compactor
feeding yourself archaic decay
that you force into cubes
with magnificent effort,
bending rust
into sharpened edges.
Oh, dad, what a sin I am to you,
the foul stench
of curved flesh
in your solid, metal cubes –
the i missing its dot.
Original Version:
You are the Watch Man
—synchronized—
on time,
in rhyme,
clock chime.
Your ideas are precise
and p.u.n.c.t.u.a.t.e.d.
Your t's are always perfect,
a package intact,
like little perfect crosses.
Your baptism beliefs
—so streamlined—
are written clean
in decisive cursive—
one sided, double spaced
on a ruled yellow legal pad—
then filed neat in gray cabinets,
in beige manila envelopes,
sealed with lined, white labels.
You are a compactor,
feeding yourself archaic decay
that you force into cubes
with magnificent effort,
bending rust
into sharpened edges.
Oh, dad, what a sin I am to you,
the foul stench
of curved flesh
in your solid, metal cubes—
the i missing its dot.
(Slight edits in response to feedback, 7/1/16.)
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Lizzie, this one really resonates with me and it's largely because of the excellent way you've structured the links between your stanzas, so that each idea builds on the last. The final stanza positively drips with irony and frustration.
(07-01-2016, 12:09 PM)lizziep Wrote: You are the Watch Man
—the synchronized—
the on time,
the in rhyme,
the clock chime. -- I'm not sure if the "the" repetition works. To me, two syllables per rhyme-line would work well for a tick tock echo
Your ideas are precise
and p.u.n.c.t.u.a.t.e.d. -- I picture a man tapping out his ideas on the table, or in the air, making sure that nothing is missed
Your t's are always perfect,
a package intact,
like little perfect crosses. -- the cross links perfectly to baptism in the next stanza
Your baptism beliefs
—so streamlined—
are written clean
in decisive cursive—
one sided, double spaced
on a ruled yellow legal pad—
then filed neat in gray cabinets,
in beige manila envelopes,
sealed with lined, white labels. -- very precise, in triplicate I expect...
You are a compactor,
feeding yourself archaic decay
that you force into cubes
with magnificent effort,
bending rust
into sharpened edges. -- a man stuck in a time long past, but determined to present his views as dominant and vital
Oh, dad, what a sin I am to you,
the foul stench
of curved flesh
in your solid, metal cubes—
the i missing its dot. -- this hurts, but oh, I love those incomplete letters and rebel sentences
It could be worse
Posts: 580
Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015
S1 is great. I love, love, love, 'the clock chime'. It's so....apt. My poor old pa is also a Watch man.
And this is brilliant:
You are a compactor,
feeding yourself archaic decay
that you force into cubes
There are so many other things to like....from the cursive writing to the 't's like crosses, to the beige manila envelopes....great visualisation.
Overall, a gem. I don't see a major need for tweaking. It's lovely as it is.
EDIT: some other reasons why I love this piece:
1. The slant rhyme stench / flesh is just perfect where you've used it. It's @#$#$#@@$# haunting.
2. Consistency of the watchman image - developed perfectly right up to the denouement in the end. Leanne expressed it so well.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
just mercedes
Unregistered
I enjoyed this poem - my Dad was a watchmaker, so the first strophe pulled me right in. I'd think of losing 'the' in the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th lines. Good advice from others already - not much to add, except think of making your poem less passive, away from the 'Your beliefs are written...' and into 'You write your beliefs' so that your protagonist is more active throughout the poem.
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
I made the recommended changes to the first stanza, and now I think that the punctuation is off. I'm not sure, honestly. I like having "synchronized" set off like that because of how it sets up "so streamlined" later on. Hmmmmm...
Leanne, than you so much for telling me that it resonated. When someone tells me that, it makes all of my efforts worthwhile. It's my reason for writing.  And thank you also for the great suggestion about how to mimic the tick-tock -- great call!
Achebe, I had to make sure I was reading the right thread for a minute there!  Thank you for the gracious comments. Don't worry though, I'm sure I'll go back to disappointing you again in no time! 
just mercedes, thanks for commenting, and I'll remember what you said about the voice. That's good advice.
Posts: 63
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(07-01-2016, 12:09 PM)lizziep Wrote: You are the Watch Man
—synchronized—
on time,
in rhyme,
clock chime. ------- I really like this strophe...
Your ideas are precise
and p.u.n.c.t.u.a.t.e.d.
Your t's are always perfect,
a package intact,
like little perfect crosses.
Your baptism beliefs ------ This strophe is where the over keel slips in...
—so streamlined—
are written clean ----------Written in decisive cursive would be enough for me, the reader.
in decisive cursive—
one sided, double spaced
on a ruled yellow legal pad— -------All legal pads are ruled so in describing the pad "yellow " would be enough
then filed neat in gray cabinets,
in beige manila envelopes, -------- Dropping beige here may give the reader a clearer image... I don't need anymore than "manila envelopes"
sealed with lined, white labels. ------ This line works well for me as it is.
You are a compactor, -------------------This strophe works for me; no nits.
feeding yourself archaic decay
that you force into cubes
with magnificent effort,
bending rust
into sharpened edges.
Oh, dad, what a sin I am to you, ----- This last strophe doesn't work for me, reading I need something more like: oh, dad, To you I am a sin the foul stench.....
the foul stench
of curved flesh
in your solid, metal cubes—
the i missing its dot. --------- For whatever reason, the ending doesn't feel like an ending. It almost feels as if the writer said " okay, I'm stopping here" without giving the reader a close, really.
(Slight edits in response to feedback, 7/1/16.)
Lizz,
I like this poem's form; it's certainly a good piece but I truly believe you went overboard in S4. There's just too much descriptive there. I'd also like to see a bit of work on final strophe as well. I think you'd do the work justice by smoothing out L1 of S6 and accomplishing a greater sense of finality for the reader(s) in that strophe. The content itself is good and there doesn't seem to be any problems with you choice of punctuation. Again, I like this poem.
Good work.
Luna
In your own, each bone comes alive
the skeleton jangles in its perfunctory sleeve....
(Chris Martin)
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
Luna,
Thanks for reading and commenting. I'll take another look at maybe condensing some of the details without losing the feeling of meticulousness. I'll take another look at the ending as well. Thanks.
lizziep
Posts: 598
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Joined: Apr 2016
Luna, I considered your feedback carefully, and I decided to first try restructuring the 4th strophe to highlight the words that characterize the thought patters of the Watch Man. The detail (I hope) serves dual purposes in reinforcing the precise nature of the person's world and their ideas.
And, I'm still thinking about the final stanza and the ending line. Thanks again for the feedback 
lizziep
Posts: 63
Threads: 9
Joined: Apr 2016
(07-01-2016, 12:09 PM)lizziep Wrote: You are the Watch Man –
– synchronized –
on time,
in rhyme,
clock chime.
Your ideas are precise
and p.u.n.c.t.u.a.t.e.d.
Your t's are always perfect,
a package intact,
like little perfect crosses.
Your baptism beliefs
– so streamlined –
are written
clean
in decisive cursive –
one-sided,
double spaced on black
ruled
tablets – then filed in cold,
smooth
cabinets, in manila envelopes,
sealed
with lined, white
labels.
You are a trash compactor
feeding yourself archaic decay
that you force into cubes
with magnificent effort,
bending rust
into sharpened edges.
Oh, dad, what a sin I am to you,
the foul stench
of curved flesh
in your solid, metal cubes –
the i missing its dot.
Original Version:
You are the Watch Man
—synchronized—
on time,
in rhyme,
clock chime.
Your ideas are precise
and p.u.n.c.t.u.a.t.e.d.
Your t's are always perfect,
a package intact,
like little perfect crosses.
Your baptism beliefs
—so streamlined—
are written clean
in decisive cursive—
one sided, double spaced
on a ruled yellow legal pad—
then filed neat in gray cabinets,
in beige manila envelopes,
sealed with lined, white labels.
You are a compactor,
feeding yourself archaic decay
that you force into cubes
with magnificent effort,
bending rust
into sharpened edges.
Oh, dad, what a sin I am to you,
the foul stench
of curved flesh
in your solid, metal cubes—
the i missing its dot.
(Slight edits in response to feedback, 7/1/16.)
Lizz,
I love it, love it;
love
it :
The revision makes this poem read so much better !!!!!
Good work.
Luna
In your own, each bone comes alive
the skeleton jangles in its perfunctory sleeve....
(Chris Martin)
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
(07-09-2016, 12:37 AM)LunaDeLore Wrote: Lizz,
I love it, love it;
love
it :
The revision makes this poem read so much better !!!!!
Good work.
Luna
Luna, I'm so glad that revision worked for you Thanks again for your feedback, it pushed me to re-imagine that strophe.
Posts: 90
Threads: 4
Joined: Dec 2015
(07-01-2016, 12:09 PM)lizziep Wrote: You are the Watch Man –
– synchronized –
on time,
in rhyme,
clock chime.
Your ideas are precise
and p.u.n.c.t.u.a.t.e.d.
Your t's are always perfect,
a package intact,
like little perfect crosses.
Your baptism beliefs
– so streamlined –
are written
clean
in decisive cursive –
one-sided,
double spaced on black
ruled
tablets – then filed in cold,
smooth
cabinets, in manila envelopes,
sealed
with lined, white
labels.
You are a trash compactor
feeding yourself archaic decay
that you force into cubes
with magnificent effort,
bending rust
into sharpened edges.
Oh, dad, what a sin I am to you,
the foul stench
of curved flesh
in your solid, metal cubes –
the i missing its dot.
Original Version:
You are the Watch Man
—synchronized—
on time,
in rhyme,
clock chime.
Your ideas are precise
and p.u.n.c.t.u.a.t.e.d.
Your t's are always perfect,
a package intact,
like little perfect crosses.
Your baptism beliefs
—so streamlined—
are written clean
in decisive cursive—
one sided, double spaced
on a ruled yellow legal pad—
then filed neat in gray cabinets,
in beige manila envelopes,
sealed with lined, white labels.
You are a compactor,
feeding yourself archaic decay
that you force into cubes
with magnificent effort,
bending rust
into sharpened edges.
Oh, dad, what a sin I am to you,
the foul stench
of curved flesh
in your solid, metal cubes—
the i missing its dot.
(Slight edits in response to feedback, 7/1/16.)
I read this late last night and was gushing with praise. I typed up comments with my thumbs (using phone) and then something happened and my feedback wouldn't post. I do not want to get into all the specifics I said all over again. Sorry but that is just too tiresome  Let it suffice to say that I love the revised version and I think it is a great poem. My one suggestion is to bring back the word yellow in your stanza about writing on the lined pads. I think the yellow is significant because the yellow indicates legal pads, an aspect which is integral to your character IMO.
"Write while the heat is in you...The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with." --Henry David Thoreau
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
"I read this late last night and was gushing with praise. I typed up comments with my thumbs (using phone) and then something happened and my feedback wouldn't post. I do not want to get into all the specifics I said all over again. Sorry but that is just too tiresome Let it suffice to say that I love the revised version and I think it is a great poem. My one suggestion is to bring back the word yellow in your stanza about writing on the lined pads. I think the yellow is significant because the yellow indicates legal pads, an aspect which is integral to your character IMO."
Damn, I love gushing praise! Thanks for reading and letting me know that you want the legal pads back. I'll see what I can do there. Thanks for the feedback!
Posts: 90
Threads: 4
Joined: Dec 2015
(07-12-2016, 02:47 PM)lizziep Wrote: "I read this late last night and was gushing with praise. I typed up comments with my thumbs (using phone) and then something happened and my feedback wouldn't post. I do not want to get into all the specifics I said all over again. Sorry but that is just too tiresome Let it suffice to say that I love the revised version and I think it is a great poem. My one suggestion is to bring back the word yellow in your stanza about writing on the lined pads. I think the yellow is significant because the yellow indicates legal pads, an aspect which is integral to your character IMO."
Damn, I love gushing praise! Thanks for reading and letting me know that you want the legal pads back. I'll see what I can do there. Thanks for the feedback!
Yeah I like them being legal pads, but you do not have to say legal pads. There are multiple ways you could achieve it if you wanted. And once they are indicated as yellow, you do not need the rules for the lines because the legal pad status implies the rules.
double spaced on black
yellow ruled
tablets – then filed in cold,
double spaced on black
ruled
yellow tablets – then filed in cold,
smooth
"Write while the heat is in you...The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with." --Henry David Thoreau
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
In this version, I tried to preserve as much of everyone's excellent advice as I could. I decided to put the formatting back into a more symmetrical presentation, because I felt like the reading had become choppy. Also, I felt like The Watch Man would want it this way -- consistent, linear.
REW: I put the legal pads back in for ya 
Thanks for everyone that took the time to comment. Love ya Pigpen! > < > < > <
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