Value - Edit (ambrosial)

[dukealien]

Value


Edit1;

Their deliverers
learn not to leave free phone books
on recycle day.


original;

Those who drop them off
learn not to leave free phone books
on recycle day.

[justlikeyou]

Value


Those who drop them off
learn not to leave free phone books
on recycle day.

The image isn't clear to me. 

Why not leave free phone books?

[ellajam]

Value


Those who drop them off
learn not to leave free phone books
on recycle day.

I found this interesting to think about. What used to be so well used probably goes right into the bin in most homes. I wonder when they'll learn not to leave them at all. "those" is sort of a weak word. Who gets those jobs? You might be able to do more there. Thanks for the read.

[Magpie]

Hi Duke,

I like the image and the sentiment portrayed here. My first reaction was to laugh, I don't know if that was your intention but there is a dry comedy element to it. It doesn't however feel like a poem as such, it could be written as one sentence and it would work as prose.

I also noticed that there is a 5-7-5 structure and although it may be a pure coincidence I'm presuming it is intentional in terms of writing a haiku or senryu which makes it harder to suggest any kind of edit as such.

It may be awkward to incorporate but perhaps the term 'deliverers' instead of 'those who drop them off'. It's probably too obvious that I'm going for the wordplay in deliverer being a saviour of a kind. Perhaps a bit much???

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[dukealien]

@ellajam and @ambrosial revelation - Yes, this was an attempt at senryu, and "Those" in the first line is weak and shapeless.  Aside from "kids" (which doesn't work - the kids hired to drop them off don't really care) the better replacements have more syllables, e.g. "printers," "agents," "distributors."  The change must be made since "those" ain't working, but there will be a cascade including at least the second line.

Glad the ironic humor got through, though.

@justlikeyou - Since Google (I was thinking of titling the poem "Google") local phone books come up very short on usefulness (value) - they're an inconvenient shape for doorstops, and as boat anchors offer inadequate weight, no place to attach the line, and get very soggy.  Not to belabor the obvious (which also did in the Sears catalog) but purpose-made bathroom tissue is also commonly available today.

(Ex parte:  In my neck of the woods, cover and internal advertising on free phone books is almost entirely devoted to plaintiff lawyers.  Champerty and barratry have somehow morphed from crimes to a high-volume business so desperate to purchase causes of action, however foolish and dishonest, that its business model includes advertising on media which are often recycled directly back to the pulp mills... to be made into more free phone books with plaintiff-bar ads on the covers.  Apparently it's cheaper than billboards or late-night TV ads... or just reaches a different demographic.)

[ellajam]

Ooh, now there's a poem. maybe the lawyers will make your first line.

There's really no need to stick to the syllable count, if you'd like I'll dig up ray's fine thread on haiku, but

defendants' lifelines

your poem, your ball.

[justlikeyou]

I was looking at it from the other side. In the country here we take things to the dump and recycling center so it had me a bit confused. Thanks for the explanation dukealien. I did get it though after ellajam commented.

[dukealien]

Still looking at it.  So far, @ambrosial reflections has the best idea, with a forward reference:

Their deliverers
learn not to leave free phone books
on recycle day.

And just for @ellajam:

Lawyers constantly
advertising all commit
the crime of barratry.

Br. Eng. version:

Solicitors by
advertising all commit
the crime of barratry.

[ellajam]

Thanks, duke. I had to look up barratry, a new word for me, good one, but it came up with a double R.

Oh, and I like your real edit.

[dukealien]

Thanks, duke. I had to look up barratry, a new word for me, good one, but it came up with a double R.

Oh, and I like your real edit.

You are, of course, correct - what I get for typing directly into the Pen without the  help of a spell-checker.

Should be easy to remember:  "bar rat ry" 

Which of course brings to mind the reason lawyers are used to test toxicity of some materials.

Because there are some things even a starving lab rat won't eat.