downtown

[Vanity]

Fat man on a bike
Cigarette hangs from his lips
He just can't commit.

[Todd]

Suggestion: Make your final line or some variation on it the title, and have the poem be the first two lines.

[justlikeyou]

Fat man on a bike
Cigarette hangs from his lips
He just can't commit.

Funny image, and I see you went for the 5-7-5. 

Could make a fun monostich too :-)

  a fat man bikes a butt on his lips

[RiverNotch]

Fat man on a bike
Cigarette hangs from his lips
He just can't commit.

I kinda like Todd's suggestion, but I don't like two-line poems -- they just feel
too short. Maybe omit just "commit"?

[just mercedes]

Fat man, bike, cigarette, lips - all concrete objects. Your final line holds none. I don't think the contrast is effective.

[Magpie]

I agree with the current view on the last line. It doesn't seem to say anything, which is a shame because the buildup image is full of potential to bounce off... ah I didn't mean bounce off like because... ah it's alright.

This isn't a suggestion for an edit but more my inability to keep the joke that I saw to myself.

cigarette hangs from his lips—
the fat man and his bike
both too tired

And now I'm singing that tune... "When you're alone and life is making you lonely You can always go downtown" The melody is eccentrically beautiful, so all is cool.

Thanks for the read,

Mark 

[Erthona]

Possibly introduce some ambiguity:

fat man on a bike
cigarette hanging from his lips
unable to commit

dale

[LunaDeLore]

Fat man on a bike
Cigarette hangs from his lips
He just can't commit.

Vanity,

The period at the end of the final line gives "commit" an absolute, taking something away from the reader. If this was my poem I'd probably go for the ellipsis to give the reader freedom to fill in the blanks or opt to use no punctuation at all. And considering haiku, you could drop the down player and the contraction and go with he cannot commit.... Although I do understand where your coming from because he simply can't commit.

Good write.

Luna