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Edit 2
Wind Fantasy
Who hasn’t heard a tale of careless wind?
It drove old sailors on with shifting force
and primed the lips of lovers who had sinned,
then called each other feathers blown off-course.
Today our science sees gas particles
with wind their average speed, direction, scents,
arrests its gusts in windmill manacles
to power cities’ grid-establishments.
But wind’s inconstant, fleeting as desire -
what moves us to prefer its fickle flow
to take the place of coal’s pent saffron fire,
a heady rush displacing steady glow?
We’ll have our stormy flutter but return
with time to coal, and constancy’s long burn.
Edit1
Wind Flutters
Who has a thing to say about the wind?
To old-time sailors pressing, shifting force;
it made excuse for lovers who had sinned
then called each other feathers blown off-course.
Today our culture sees gas particles
with wind their average speed, direction, scents,
arrests its gusts in windmill manacles
to power cities’ grid-establishments.
But wind’s inconstant, fleeting as desire -
what moves us to prefer its fickle flow
to take the place of coal’s pent saffron fire,
a heady rush displacing steady glow?
We’ll have our breezy flutter but return
with time to coal, and constancy’s long burn.
original version;
Wind Passes
Who has a thing to say about the wind?
To old-time sailors driving, shifting force;
it made excuse for lovers who had sinned,
then called each other feathers blown off-course.
Today we see mere random particles
with wind their average speed, direction, scent,
arrest its gusts in windmill manacles
to power each home’s snug establishment.
But wind’s inconstant, fleeting as desire -
what leads us to prefer its fickle flow
to take the place of coal’s pent saffron fire,
a racing rush displacing steady glow?
We’ll have our breezy flutter but return
to hard-mined coal and constancy’s long burn.
(If only this were just an engineering matter!  )
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(06-26-2016, 11:50 PM)dukealien Wrote: Wind Passes
Who has a thing to say about the wind?
To old-time sailors driving, shifting force;
it made excuse for lovers who had sinned, No need for a comma?
then called each other feathers blown off-course.
Today we see mere random particles
with wind their average speed, direction, scent,
arrest its gusts in windmill manacles
to power each home’s snug establishment.
But wind’s inconstant, fleeting as desire -
what leads us to prefer its fickle flow
to take the place of coal’s pent saffron fire,
a racing rush displacing steady glow?
We’ll have our breezy flutter but return
to hard-mined coal and constancy’s long burn. I'm pretty sure you have something much deeper in here, but right now the environmentalist/naturalist/really, humanist in me writhes with this ending, so much so that I can't actually get into that something deeper. Gosh dang, the poem almost made me shout to the speaker to get an education ---------- although maybe the title gives a clue? I really didn't expect a tonally serious pome with that title.
But really, I'd appreciate its message, if fundamentally not anti-environment, if it had handled its message with a wee bit more, er, panache -- say, wind is fickle, so coal is better, the smoke be damned! the world's damned anyway, or what have you. But really, considering the poem's current airs, as inconstant as the wind may be, the world itself becomes much more inconstant (and with an unnatural quickness, too) with that hard-mined coal, and ultimately without said panache, the piece just comes off to me as irresponsible. Yes, poets can and should write about anything they want, but in their works they should at least be shown, even through hints, as knowledgeable, as knowing and considering everything first and just picking a side. But again, the first paragraph: maybe the writhing's just distracting me.
(If only this were just an engineering matter! )
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I find this poem inconstant. The poorly chosen title "Wind Passes" implies that wind power was once used, but it has been supplanted, yet the line "arrest its gusts in windmill manacles to power each home’s snug establishment" seems to belie that idea.
The rhyme "particles" --> "manacles" just seemed strange to me, don't really know why, but it caused me to pause in my reading.
"Today we see mere random particles" "mere" is obviously a filler word, and to be completely objective "we" do not
see " random particles", at least I do not. And even if true, to what point?
I still think you owe us a fart poem
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Thanks to both (so far) of my highly valued critics.
@RiverNotch - That comma's an interesting question. Not to be defensive, but if this were blank verse I'd leave it off, the pause being eforced by line break; as it is, I think I'm trying to prevent a run-on enjambment. Which, perhaps, I should be trying to encourage, instead. Hmmm. And more panache needed!
Quote:I'm pretty sure you have something much deeper in here, but right now the environmentalist/naturalist/really, humanist in me writhes with this ending, so much so that I can't actually get into that something deeper. Gosh dang, the poem almost made me shout to the speaker to get an education ---------- although maybe the title gives a clue? I really didn't expect a tonally serious pome with that title.
But really, I'd appreciate its message, if fundamentally not anti-environment, if it had handled its message with a wee bit more, er, panache -- say, wind is fickle, so coal is better, the smoke be damned! the world's damned anyway, or what have you. But really, considering the poem's current airs, as inconstant as the wind may be, the world itself becomes much more inconstant (and with an unnatural quickness, too) with that hard-mined coal, and ultimately without said panache, the piece just comes off to me as irresponsible. Yes, poets can and should write about anything they want, but in their works they should at least be shown, even through hints, as knowledgeable, as knowing and considering everything first and just picking a side. But again, the first paragraph: maybe the writhing's just distracting me.
Your writihing (though not carried to the point of reeling or fainting in coils  ) shows - as the saying goes - "Message received and understood."
Too many words in the spoiler @Erthona - Sorry to disappoint your hopes of a fart poem. A title change is indicated.
Quote:I find this poem inconstant. The poorly chosen title "Wind Passes" implies that wind power was once used, but it has been supplanted, yet the line "arrest its gusts in windmill manacles to power each home’s snug establishment" seems to belie that idea. Meant to imply that use of wind was once necessary, but its use today is mostly a fad. I believe the Dutch polders are now kept dry with electric pumps, and electric grist mills are also the rule. Should be made clearer.
The rhyme "particles" --> "manacles" just seemed strange to me, don't really know why, but it caused me to pause in my reading. Agreed, it's a weak rhyme.
"Today we see mere random particles" "mere" is obviously a filler word, and to be completely objective "we" do not
see " random particles", at least I do not. And even if true, to what point? I respectfully defend "mere" - wind was once a gestalt, not just a trend in Brownian motion. "We" is, of course, the point at which I try to sneak in speakership for people beyond myself and the mouse in my pocket; should be accomplished more subtly.
Good critiques! Thank you kindly.
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'Manacles' goes well with 'arrest' although of course the wind only bounces off.
A nit - I'm unclear about the question 'what leads us to prefer' - your conclusion suggests that in fact we do not prefer wind to coal.
My day job is in energy economics research, so enjoyed this!
Edit: saw your spoiler note. Whatever your views on climate change, gas is a lower carbon alternative to coal and works well for the base load.
(06-26-2016, 11:50 PM)dukealien Wrote: Wind Passes
Who has a thing to say about the wind?
To old-time sailors driving, shifting force;
it made excuse for lovers who had sinned,
then called each other feathers blown off-course.
Today we see mere random particles
with wind their average speed, direction, scent,
arrest its gusts in windmill manacles
to power each home’s snug establishment.
But wind’s inconstant, fleeting as desire -
what leads us to prefer its fickle flow
to take the place of coal’s pent saffron fire,
a racing rush displacing steady glow?
We’ll have our breezy flutter but return
to hard-mined coal and constancy’s long burn.
(If only this were just an engineering matter! )
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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Buuuutttt I would also question the rather scatological title
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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Joined: Nov 2015
Edit1
Wind Flutters
Who has a thing to say about the wind?
To old-time sailors pressing, shifting force;
it made excuse for lovers who had sinned
then called each other feathers blown off-course.
Today our culture sees gas particles
with wind their average speed, direction, scents,
arrests its gusts in windmill manacles
to power cities’ grid-establishments.
But wind’s inconstant, fleeting as desire -
what moves us to prefer its fickle flow
to take the place of coal’s pent saffron fire,
a heady rush displacing steady glow?
We’ll have our breezy flutter but return
with time to coal, and constancy’s long burn.
I've tried to address the various criticisms provided by my valued commentators here. Probably least happy with the new title, though aerodynamicists (and wind turbines are aerodynamic) will understand that flutter is a very serious problem indeed.
Thanks, all!
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The Inconstant Wind / Intermittent / Coal's Constancy / The Pique of Peak Power etc.
I don't agree with the central thesis of the poem (the future is in capacitors and renewables, the gods have spoken), but suspending disbelief, it's a nice read now.
EDIT: Lest I give the impression that I have a proper idea of the underlying technologies involved, I'll just say this: I only have a superficial, introductory engineering textbook understanding of them, coal and CCGT are boring. Efficiency improvements are all along the lines of better materials to withstand higher pressures and temperatures. Which is all good, but it's fundamentally the same old technology that was around in the 19th century. Solar is where all the action is these days.
What's exciting and smart will attract brainy researchers, and they will bring about change.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
bluepressure
Unregistered
At risk of being that person, I actually like the original title more, Wind Passes. I agree that knowledge and common sense of the current world is a must, but we don't need to be so politically correct all the time either. Wind Flutters just makes it sound too fluffy and less serious. "Passes" could mean many different things, not just the literal passing of wind.
Another disagreement, I like manacle and particle rhyming together. It's something different, original. In my opinion, a forced rhyme is worse than a weak/off rhyme. Isn't that what makes it unique?
(06-26-2016, 11:50 PM)dukealien Wrote: Edit1
Wind Flutters
Who has a thing to say about the wind?
To old-time sailors pressing, shifting force; Maybe "the" instead of "to". Would make wind a more focused subject, I think.
it made excuse for lovers who had sinned I would like to use the plural form of "excuse" instead.
then called each other feathers blown off-course. Maybe a grammar error? "other's feather" sounds better for me, but maybe I've been saying it wrong all this time.
Today our culture sees gas particles
with wind their average speed, direction, scents,
arrests its gusts in windmill manacles
to power cities’ grid-establishments. Could maybe rewrite the order of items in this long sentence as well. Shift clauses around, even. Just seems stuttery to me when I read it.
But wind’s inconstant, fleeting as desire -
what moves us to prefer its fickle flow
to take the place of coal’s pent saffron fire,
a heady rush displacing steady glow?
We’ll have our breezy flutter but return Breezy sounds a little/slightly childish here. But it's fine if you still leave it in too, for me.
with time to coal, and constancy’s long burn.
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(06-26-2016, 11:50 PM)dukealien Wrote: Edit1
Wind Flutters
Who has a thing to say about the wind? -- "a thing" feels weak. Maybe I'm just being dense, but this seems to imply that nobody has anything to say about it, and then you proceed to tell us everything that is said about the wind?
To old-time sailors pressing, shifting force; -- I'd add an article before pressing
it made excuse for lovers who had sinned -- perhaps "provided excuse" instead of made -- the wind can't make excuses unless you would like to provide more personification of the wind throughout the poem.
then called each other feathers blown off-course.
Today our culture sees gas particles -- "our culture" feels unnecessarily vague since each country has different policies on alternative energy
with wind their average speed, direction, scents,
arrests its gusts in windmill manacles
to power cities’ grid-establishments.
But wind’s inconstant, fleeting as desire -
what moves us to prefer its fickle flow
to take the place of coal’s pent saffron fire, LOVE the "saffron" modifier. Well done.
a heady rush displacing steady glow? -- "heady rush" is evocative of a whirlwind romance that will fade. Like this.
We’ll have our breezy flutter but return -- as much as I hate to say it (being female), a word like "ephemeral" might be stronger than "breezy." Maybe not that since it's pretty sexist, but something that reinforces the inconsistent character of the wind. Even something that evokes the notion that wind is an infidelity toward coal could set up the next line, with the return to coal after the romance with wind.
with time to coal, and constancy’s long burn.
original version;
Wind Passes
Who has a thing to say about the wind?
To old-time sailors driving, shifting force;
it made excuse for lovers who had sinned,
then called each other feathers blown off-course.
Today we see mere random particles
with wind their average speed, direction, scent,
arrest its gusts in windmill manacles
to power each home’s snug establishment.
But wind’s inconstant, fleeting as desire -
what leads us to prefer its fickle flow
to take the place of coal’s pent saffron fire,
a racing rush displacing steady glow?
We’ll have our breezy flutter but return
to hard-mined coal and constancy’s long burn.
(If only this were just an engineering matter! )
Hope some of this helps,
lizziep
Posts: 1,176
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Thanks to all the critics, particularly the more recent.
@lizziep - the new first line is less generic, but (to me) smells slightly of the lamp. You be the judge... And "stormy" rather than "ephemeral." Plus additional changes per your fine critique.
@bluepressure - was also tempted to restore the original title, but perhaps the latest will work by equivocating (is wind power its advocates' fantasy, or its transitory nature mine?) "[S]tormy is for you as well. And other changes.
@achebe - the whole thing is a facet of "global warming" virtue-signaling: carbon (and its dioxide) are vital to life. Natural gas is great because it's cheap and easy to move; coal is great because the technology of mining it is mature and, consequently, also cheap. Coal does have problems with *real* pollution (see Beijing - on days when you can) but they can be solved at least as easily as those of other technologies... and a good deal easier than wind or solar, it seems to me.
Edit 2
Wind Fantasy
Who hasn’t heard a tale of careless wind?
It drove old sailors on with shifting force
and primed the lips of lovers who had sinned,
then called each other feathers blown off-course.
Today our science sees gas particles
with wind their average speed, direction, scents,
arrests its gusts in windmill manacles
to power cities’ grid-establishments.
But wind’s inconstant, fleeting as desire -
what moves us to prefer its fickle flow
to take the place of coal’s pent saffron fire,
a heady rush displacing steady glow?
We’ll have our stormy flutter but return
with time to coal, and constancy’s long burn.
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Posts: 598
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(07-04-2016, 08:59 AM)dukealien Wrote: @lizziep - the new first line is less generic, but (to me) smells slightly of the lamp. You be the judge... And "stormy" rather than "ephemeral." Plus additional changes per your fine critique.
Edit 2
Wind Fantasy
Who hasn’t heard a tale of careless wind? -- I can see what you're saying about the lamp and smelling like it. Maybe. I still think it's better, though. In general, I feel like the first 4 lines run the risk of seeming old-fashioned and, hence, making your views seem old fashioned as well. It's a tough one, because it could also read as classic, time-honored, etc. For me, it would depend on the audience you are trying to appeal to and the tone that would best persuade them. And, if no audience is sought, then just to please yourself!
It drove old sailors on with shifting force
and primed the lips of lovers who had sinned,
then called each other feathers blown off-course. -- like the changes in here
Today our science sees gas particles
with wind their average speed, direction, scents, -- I feel like "their average speed, direction, scents" needs to be set off somehow as a separate phrase.
arrests its gusts in windmill manacles
to power cities’ grid-establishments.
But wind’s inconstant, fleeting as desire -
what moves us to prefer its fickle flow
to take the place of coal’s pent saffron fire,
a heady rush displacing steady glow?
We’ll have our stormy flutter but return -- I do like stormy better 
with time to coal, and constancy’s long burn.
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Anticipating the 2017 heat wave I'd think. Although coal's not needed here - cheap gas would be enough if the friggin capitalists could keep their hands off it
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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(07-01-2016, 04:57 PM)bluepressure Wrote: At risk of being that person, I actually like the original title more, Wind Passes. I agree that knowledge and common sense of the current world is a must, but we don't need to be so politically correct all the time either. Wind Flutters just makes it sound too fluffy and less serious. "Passes" could mean many different things, not just the literal passing of wind.
Another disagreement, I like manacle and particle rhyming together. It's something different, original. In my opinion, a forced rhyme is worse than a weak/off rhyme. Isn't that what makes it unique?
(06-26-2016, 11:50 PM)dukealien Wrote: Edit1
Wind Flutters
Who has a thing to say about the wind?
To old-time sailors pressing, shifting force; Maybe "the" instead of "to". Would make wind a more focused subject, I think.
it made excuse for lovers who had sinned I would like to use the plural form of "excuse" instead.
then called each other feathers blown off-course. Maybe a grammar error? "other's feather" sounds better for me, but maybe I've been saying it wrong all this time.
Today our culture sees gas particles
with wind their average speed, direction, scents,
arrests its gusts in windmill manacles
to power cities’ grid-establishments. Could maybe rewrite the order of items in this long sentence as well. Shift clauses around, even. Just seems stuttery to me when I read it.
But wind’s inconstant, fleeting as desire -
what moves us to prefer its fickle flow
to take the place of coal’s pent saffron fire,
a heady rush displacing steady glow?
We’ll have our breezy flutter but return Breezy sounds a little/slightly childish here. But it's fine if you still leave it in too, for me.
with time to coal, and constancy’s long burn.
@bluepressure - Catching up on critiques here. Some good suggestions you have: L2, for example could be
An old-time sailor's shifting, driving force,
ending with a comma to weld the thought onto the rest of the sentence better. Trying to avoid "the" except as a place-holder in first drafts, and where (once per poem?) it has impact stressing uniqueness.
Your other suggestions also lead in improving directions. Thanks for the read!
Non-practicing atheist
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