Tainted

[Lizzie]

We'd listen to the Muppets sing
the Twelve Days of Christmas, unwrapping
winter with the glimmer of children.
First out of the box, heralding the arrival
of memory stored away in the granary
for eleven-twelfths of the year, a corn-husk
metatron, laid to the side for loftiest placement.
Then two cloth guardian angels
for my brother and I, indestructible
and crafted to endure a lifetime;
three strands of lights, two clear and solid,
colored ones blazed like brazen neon.
Four strands of popcorn—texture of rubber,
no salt, no butter—seduced the Labrador;
along with the venison fresh from November,
it was his reason to enjoy the season.
Nobody owns five golden rings quite like Miss Piggy.
Next came a six-piece— broken and glued—
ceramic nativity mailed from Florida
by imagined grandparents
and seven flimsy paper chains—copies
of the church bulletin – dated and sliced.
An eight-piece set of bears in red wagons
modeled scenes of classic Americana.
Nine tins of ornament hooks, wire and sharp
could probably kill a man. Mom would breathe shallow
for ten minutes while we reverently revealed
the glass and sentimental,
searching for places to hold their weight,
careful not to let them shatter.
Eleven Sunday school projects
proved childhood's existence
with spray-painted construction paper
and Popsicle sticks, enveloped in endless glitter.
Dad would enter the scene around twelve,
chiming in with his baritone voice:
turn that fucking shit off.

Small changes in response to feedback 6/26 and title change. Original title was "O Christmas Tree."

[RiverNotch]

I'll definitely get into this with more meat: I'm kinda liking this already, with a cursory read. But I do feel like I'm missing something -- I kinda like ironic, abrupt endings, but ten and eleven feel like they're just build-ups to something bigger, and twelve, well, it's not the good sort of ironic, especially for something as delicate and detailed as this. But yeah, I'll get back to this -- right now, another thought that's bugging me that I can surely say needs more development is the recurrence of the word "memories".

[Weeded]

Hey Lizzie,
this piece doesnt quite work for me. The message is cliche, the execution is fine but in certain spots I'm left wondering things, primarily the narrators age, or even if the narrators age is meant to be important at all. For example, there is the 'me and my brother' that obviously ignores that grammatical rule of 'so-and-so and I,' yet the narrator also knows words like brazen and heralding and granary etc. It just doesnt feel like an accurate portrayal of a common situation. Also, its a Christmas poem in June naw im just kidding on that last bit, but honestly this might feel a bit more heartfelt if the vocabulary was simplified, almost like this was being told from the perception of a child. That or maybe provide a glimpse into what this very common situation creates for a child, but focusing on that shock value in the last line just isnt enough for me personally. Thanks for sharing,
mike

[Lizzie]

Mike, can you say more about what you felt the message to be? I wasn't aware that there was any kind of message or moral (I certainly didn't try to put one in), it's just memory. I certainly don't wish to be cliche. So, if you could elaborate on what message you were receiving, that would be great. Perhaps you were saying that the life events were too ordinary, to the point of cliche?

[Lizzie]

I've been thinking about the critiques, and I have have a couple of questions (for anyone to answer), if I may:

I'm not sure that it would work to write from the perspective of a child because this is a retrospective piece alluding to the fragility of the good memories and how they are "tainted" by the bad. I'm curious how that comes across as inauthentic? How do people usually write about childhood memories? Perhaps there's a voice rule that I'm not aware of?

Also, I was wondering about the issue of topics being common. If it's true that the everyday doesn't make for good poetry then there goes 99.9% of my material. To me, common topics would be best to write about because it would attract the widest base of readership. Perhaps my life is more boring than most?

The ending is meant to be harsh, abrupt, but its not there for a cheap shock. It explains the split in tone throughout the piece (if that tone even came across). I feel like the ending (while not necessarily needing to be worded that way) is essential. Otherwise its just a bunch of happy shiny rosy-cheeked unicorns and fairy dust.

[Achebe]

Also, I was wondering about the issue of topics being common. If it's true that the everyday doesn't make for good poetry then there goes 99.9% of my material. To me, common topics would be best to write about because it would attract the widest base of readership. Perhaps my life is more boring than most?

It's the treatment, not the topic, that needs to be slightly uncommon. Not vastly, just a bit.
take, for instance, one of my favourite poems on this forum: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-18087...+blessings
what's so great about the topic? nothing much.
but look at that line: 'and the tree rises above us' and its various shades of meaning. the very essence of poetry.

[Lizzie]

Thank you Achebe for the clarification and the poem recommendation. That really is a good one.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond to the piece.

[Weeded]

Hey Lizzie,
I apologize I didnt even see that you replied to me, but basically I felt like this was a pity poem. The narrator wanted nothing but for the reader to feel sorry for them. That's the message I got. Poems like the these are great for self-expression, or getting over some sort of traumatic event, but they generally tend to hold little weight in terms of value. I personally want a poem I can read again and again.

And the ideas of ways to rewrite are just that, ideas, nothing more. I'm not saying it'd be better if written whatever way, I'm just saying the way it reads currently does not work for me, so I offered some ideas of some new way to work with this one, since it currently does nothing for me.

Achebe addressed the rest of your concerns so I'll leave it at that,
mike

[Lizzie]

Weeded,

Thank you for responding! What you're saying makes sense, and I'll see how I can work with it in the future to be more universal. I appreciate the input.

lizziep