Laundry Line, Edit #2

[Lizzie]

              Cream sheets and blue jeans
       speak in flaps, snaps, and
one-line whip-cracks.

Work-worn clothes—
       dark, frayed denim
              and coarse, thick
                     twill—dry stiff.

              Old-fashioned wood pins,
       two or maybe three,
leave firm marks.

Plaid shirts dangle,
       a breezy trapeze—
              Arms pendulum,
                     inviting flight.

                            Run underneath,
                     nose first! Inhale
              the scent of grass,
       chickens, lilacs,
axle grease, dirt.

Clouds poke the ground,
       proposing a race—
              bony, white fingers
                     zapping with static.



Laundry Line, Rewrite 1:


Cream sheets and blue jeans
       speak in flaps, laugh in snaps
              and witty, one-line whip-cracks.


              Old-fashioned wood pins,
       two or maybe three,
leave firm marks.


Down-stretched arms wave,
       a breezy trapeze.
              Shirts pendulum,
                     inviting flight.


                     Work-worn clothes –
              dark, frayed denim and
       coarse, thick twill –
dry stiff and straight.


Run underneath,
       nose first! Inhale
              the scent of grass,
                     chickens, lilacs,
                            axle grease, dirt.

                            A crackling, indigo sky warns
                     with sharp, quick finger-snaps,
              and thick, throaty growls.
       Pull off the pins, run inside!
Every body, every thread!


Laundry Line, Original:


Cream sheets and blue jeans
       wave, flap, snap –
            twisting, floating –
                 stiff.


                 Old-fashioned wood pins,
       two or maybe three,
leave firm marks.


Run underneath,
       nose first! Inhale
            the wind, the grass –
                 chickens, lilacs,
                      axle grease, dirt.


                 There's a storm coming in! 
            It's on the horizon!
       Rush to bring them in
before they get wet again.

[aschueler]

Laundry Line




Cream sheets and blue jeans
       wave, flap, snap –
            twisting, floating –
                 stiff.


                 Old-fashioned wood pins,
       two or maybe three,
leave firm marks.


Run underneath,
       nose first! Inhale
            the wind, the grass –
                 chickens, lilacs,
                      axle grease, dirt.


                 There's a storm coming in! 
            It's on the horizon!
       Rush to bring them in
before they get wet again.

Sorry to jump on this right after you posted it, just happened to sign on.

So, yay.  Seriously, this is a nice lil' poem.  The format itself is well done.

In the first strophe, stiff seemed to be off.  Especially with things moving around and flappin' in the wind. 

Then we have "firm" marks -- perhaps just leaving it at "marks?"  But that seems weird.  Not sure.

I really enjoyed the smell part you put in there, except axle grease.  

The last strophe all ended in rhyme.  With effort I wonder if you could get each one the have its own individual rhyme.

[Lizzie]

I love feedback whenever it's offered

The stiff part: when you leave something of a thicker material (like denim) out until it's completely dry, it's extremely stiff. Putting them on afterward is like getting your legs waxed. Thinner materials like the sheets will remain pliable.

About the axle grease: it's an odd one for sure. These smells are all from memory, and I can smell the grease that my dad used on the tractor when I close my eyes and return to this scene. So, that's the why. I can easily choose something else, since not everyone is in my head. I just thought it was a bit of a thinker -- a little dash of the unexpected.

Yeah, I guess I don't really know what I'm doing rhyme-wise. The middle bit about inhaling scent was in syllabics.

The firm bit, I'll think on. I'm not attached to that word, per se.

Thanks for your feedback!!

[Cousin Kil]

Laundry Line


Cream sheets and blue jeans
       wave, flap, snap –
            twisting, floating – should it be "twist, float"? That threw me off a bit coming off of "wave, flap, snap".
                 stiff. maybe "but stiff" or "yet stiff" might make it less awkward for the reader after reading of all this twisting and floating, though I'm not necessarily sold on adding another word. I like the singularity of that line, so maybe another word instead?


                 Old-fashioned wood pins,
       two or maybe three,
leave firm marks. I don't mind "firm". Maybe speaks to the permanence of this memory for you. Me gusta.


Run underneath,
       nose first! Inhale
            the wind, the grass –
                 chickens, lilacs,
                      axle grease, dirt. I'm glad you wrote axle grease. It gave me pause because it's not commonplace in this kind of a scene. A flair of individuality to make it less Hallmark-y or done-before I suppose. I liked it.


                 There's a storm coming in! 
            It's on the horizon!
       Rush to bring them in
before they get wet again. Not crazy that this rhymes. I would rewrite this stanza. The language is commonplace (at least I thought). End on a single word maybe, or something with a little punch-- you did this with "stiff" in the first stanza, maybe mirror it here. The way it reads now feels almost immature in a sense (just this teeny tiny slither of writing, not the writer of course). All I mean is that it's a weak way to end the poem after experiencing the good imagery that you have and being brought into a very soft feeling and well-realized scene.

Hey!

My only complaint is the last stanza. It can be so much better because the rest of the poem is very well crafted.

An idea:

This imminent storm alongside the scene of the laundry line isn't that new of sequence. I feel like I've seen it in a movie with all of the clothes flapping in the wind and the idealism of the scene suddenly canned in a coming twister or what have you. However, I think you can still make this coming storm work for you-- maybe it can show the permanence of this memory has been shaken or will be or can be. The comforts of home and childhood torn in some fashion. The one thing I like about your last stanza is that the simple rhyme makes light of this idea of a coming storm, a sense of doom.

If you could keep the child-like paradigm/voice in place when it comes to perceiving this storm while shifting your language to match the rest of the poem, then I think you'd have something very special. The idea that this child sees the only consequence of the storm being the clothes getting wet when in fact it is the loss of their own innocence, or the shaking of their state of being so that this childhood has become merely memory... I don't know if I'm ranting or not being very clear in what I'm thinking, but in my head it sounds like a great idea.

Have you seen the film A Serious Man by the Coen Brothers. This poem reminds me of the end of that movie.

Thanks for the read, I really really enjoyed it!

Cousin

[Lizzie]

Cousin Kil: This is some top quality feedback here. Thank you! I'm an enormous fan of the Coen Brothers, and I'm ashamed to say that I haven't seen that one. It'll get bumped to the top of the list now!

You're absolutely right about the last stanza being childlike -- I'm not sure why I missed that before. Everything in the poem is from actual memory -- we'd hear thunder or rain and we'd have to run out to the line and grab everything as fast as we could. My brain must have regressed a bit, because I can see how the last stanza reads like a children's storybook rhyme. I'll have to give it some thought, why that stanza in particular would be so childlike when the rest is not. A bit stumped.

Now that you mention it, I think there's a scene in Wizard of Oz where you see the tornado in the background and the laundry in the foreground. I didn't know that was a popular thing to do! It's true, though: you have to pay attention to the weather when you've got clothes on the line!

I love your thoughts for a re-write. Thanks for taking the time to give a thoughtful critique!

[Todd]

Hi Lizziep,

A few comments for you. This reads like a nice sensory in the moment image. I like the tornado formatting. It strikes me as more fun than gimmicky. That said, it would be nice if when read out loud the words would mimic the shape in our minds. It does that at points but the hand offs between stropes don't always convey that wild motion. That said, it isn't necessary just an observation. Some comments in the lines below:

Laundry Line




Cream sheets and blue jeans--Like the color use in this line.
       wave, flap, snap –
            twisting, floating –
                 stiff.--stiff is a very visually line as is wave flap and snap. I especially like the words that either set the image well or provide a sound. Twisting and floating are the least satisfying words for me--in any tense.


                 Old-fashioned wood pins,--Again good opening with a concrete image
       two or maybe three,--The maybe makes this more of a memory with the speaker looking back.
leave firm marks.


Run underneath,
       nose first! Inhale--This sequence makes me think the speaker is a child.
            the wind, the grass – --This is where you need to work a bit more. This line gives the impression of something happening but doesn't really add much.
                 chickens, lilacs,
                      axle grease, dirt.--These other nouns are problematic and breaking your pattern. You have been giving us one sensory image and than exploring it. Here you go Action, Noun, Noun, Noun, etc. I love the action but the rest to me is a collection of static words. No motion, no sound. Though axle grease might give me a smell.


                 There's a storm coming in! 
            It's on the horizon!--These first two lines would be better as sensory images rather than warning.
       Rush to bring them in
before they get wet again.

I hope that helps some. Enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

[Lizzie]

Thank you, Todd. That was very helpful

[Todd]

I'm still deciding if I like every body, but it's close and mostly a style choice. The revision seems improved to me. I need some more time with it before I comment. I'll come back to it.

Best,

Todd

[Caleb Murdock]

I may be violating forum rules by posting a comment without making a crit, but in case you aren't aware of Richard Wilbur's great poem about laundry, I thought you should see it:

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-an...tail/43048

Please note that the spacing isn't correct in all the lines (on that page), but the text is correct.

[kolemath]

I love this poem!  Thanks for sharing! -Kole

(A few comments below).

Laundry Line, Rewrite 1:




Cream sheets and blue jeans
       speak in flaps, laugh in snaps
              and witty, one-line whip-cracks. --I love the sound in this stanza, words like laundry in the wind; it also foreshadows to the coming storm that ends the poem, as this isn't a gentle breeze.


              Old-fashioned wood pins,
       two or maybe three,
leave firm marks.


Down-stretched arms wave, --great personification of laundry!
       a breezy trapeze. --love the sound (again)
              Shirts pendulum,
                     inviting flight. --way to keep the strong wind imagery consistent!


                     Work-worn clothes – --these images tell a story about the clothing's owner without ever mentioning a person; well done!
              dark, frayed denim and
       coarse, thick twill –
dry stiff and straight. --the imagery of this stanza reminds me of stanza #2: the firmness, stiffness. might these images be explored together before stanza #3, when the laundry begins to take flight?


Run underneath,
       nose first! Inhale
              the scent of grass,
                     chickens, lilacs,
                            axle grease, dirt. --yes! consistent with the worn clothing image, further exposition on an unnamed owner; smart connections!

                            A crackling, indigo sky warns
                     with sharp, quick finger-snaps, --since the stiff clothing snaps, should too the the sky?
              and thick, throaty growls.
       Pull off the pins, run inside!
Every body, every thread! --love the connection between people and clothing here; I see a whole family pitching in to get the clothes off the line. to me, it explores how laundry on a line can symbolize the personality of an entire family.


Laundry Line, Original:




Cream sheets and blue jeans
       wave, flap, snap –
            twisting, floating –
                 stiff.


                 Old-fashioned wood pins,
       two or maybe three,
leave firm marks.


Run underneath,
       nose first! Inhale
            the wind, the grass –
                 chickens, lilacs,
                      axle grease, dirt.


                 There's a storm coming in! 
            It's on the horizon!
       Rush to bring them in
before they get wet again.

[Todd]

Hi Lizzie, 

Let me give you some comments on the revision.

Laundry Line, Rewrite 1:




Cream sheets and blue jeans
       speak in flaps, laugh in snaps--This may just be a style issue. I wonder about laugh in snaps. It's hard for me to imagine that. I would be tempted to condense but again it may just be a style difference and not really a flaw. Something like: "speak in flaps and snaps/in witty, one line whip-cracks."
              and witty, one-line whip-cracks.--Like this


              Old-fashioned wood pins,
       two or maybe three,
leave firm marks.


Down-stretched arms wave,--Not sure if I like down-stretched. I think more simple image may serve better. Shirts arms wave (that would make a small change necessary on the pendulum line).
       a breezy trapeze.
              Shirts pendulum,
                     inviting flight.--These three lines to me are excellent imagery.


                     Work-worn clothes –
              dark, frayed denim and
       coarse, thick twill –
dry stiff and straight.


Run underneath,
       nose first! Inhale
              the scent of grass,
                     chickens, lilacs,
                            axle grease, dirt.

                            A crackling, indigo sky warns
                     with sharp, quick finger-snaps,
              and thick, throaty growls.
       Pull off the pins, run inside!
Every body, every thread!

I like the direction this is moving. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[Lizzie]

Thank you everyone for your great feedback on this one! Much appreciated.

CousinKil: I tried to make the ending more like this comment: "If you could keep the child-like paradigm/voice in place when it comes to perceiving this storm while shifting your language to match the rest of the poem, then I think you'd have something very special." I'm still trying to figure out other ways to incorporate your vision. I think it might take some skills I have yet to acquire.

kolemath: I eliminated the snapping from the last stanza and moved the stiffer elements to the beginning.

Todd: I tried to do just about everything you suggested. I'm still attached to my collection of nouns, and I'm wondering if you still dislike them since I tried to be clearer that they are smells. Chicken is a weird smell, but they really are pungent creatures! But, if you still hate it, I'll change it.

Thanks again for the time spent with the piece. You've all been very helpful!

[kolemath]

Great edit, liz, and (at risk of repeating myself) the sonics and personification of laundry remains strong (my favorite elements).

My only hangup is

Clouds poke the ground,

       proposing a race— 

I'm glad the personification has extended to the weather, and it should; poke is a great verb too, but 'proposing?' a proposal can be refused, and after such delicate imagery of laundry, the word doesn't fit (for me). maybe a verb that extends the personification of the clouds? something more visceral/immediate/obligatory?  I'm not sure what...maybe some track and field language if 'race' is the word you want. perhaps thunder could fit into the boom of a gun used to signal the start of a race. (perhaps i'm going too far down the metaphorical rabbit hole).

thanks for the read!

-Kole

[Lizzie]

Kole, thanks for coming back to this poem, especially since it's a repeat.

This ending has been kicking my butt for far too long and I agree that it's not perfect.
I see what you're saying about the inconsistencies and I'll keep trying to come up with something better.