Cricket On A Dime EDIT 2 mostly punctuation

[CRNDLSM]

Edit 2   

I see a cricket on a dime.
Passing the perch of monetary significance,
I chance to listen to its chime;
the crowds careen around the subtle performance.
Well, a question catches me in a bind
constricting calm with cognitive dissonance,
"Do I find this a fortune and redefine refined,
or consent to financial indifference?"
The coins are falling out of my pocket.
The coins could by ME some chocolates? Exotic chocolates . . .

The stage supports the will engaged
while supplying no fundamental sustenance,
but the creature's needs are best assuaged
in captivating its targeted audience.
Well, I won't invest or waste my hard earned wages
on risky expenses or capitalistic impudence.
Then again, all men (human) know a woman who gauges 
her companions by the confidence she'll influence.
The coins falling out of my pocket could buy YOU some chocolates. . . exotic chocolates!
The coins could build you a rocket. . . and launch it  
*sway hips suggestively


A glimpse of this cricket's persistence, this instance
(on a currency of cosmic inconsequence),
convinces me dismissal of fiscal assistance
is complacence, not economic incompetence.
For, if a frugal existence consists of collecting this ten cents
while preventing any pecuniary incontinence,
I could accumulate millions of dollars through the contents
of continuous sidewalk reconnaissance!
So, the coins falling out of my pocket could build US a rocket, and launch it,
but the coins keep falling, and no one's stopping.


Original


I saw a cricket on a dime
it was a perch of monetary significance
so i commenced to listen to its chime
and heard a chirp of considerable magnificence
well a question crept up of a kind
to cause me curious cognitive dissonance
if i ever find a fortune could i redefine refined
to fit my furious financial indifference
the coins are fallin out of my pocket
the coins could buy me some chocolates, exotic chocolates

the shiny stage had been engaged
in providing no fundamental sustenance
for the creatures need were best assuaged
in captivating its targeted audience
well i wont invest or waste my hard earned wages
on risky expenses of capitalistic impudence
then again all men human know a woman who gauges
her companions by the confidence she'll influence
the coins fallin out of my pocket could buy YOU some chocolates, exotic chocolates
the coins could build you a rocket and launch it

a glimpse of this crickets persistence this instance
on a currency of cosmic inconsequence
has since then convinced me dismissal of fiscal assistance
is complacence for economic incompetence
for if a frugal existence consists of collecting this ten cents
and preventing against pecuniary incontinence
you could accumulate potentially billions through the nonsensical contents
of continuous continental concrete reconnaissance
the coins fallin out of my pocket could build US a rocket and launch it
but the coins keep droppin and im not stoppin

[kolemath]

Okay, im pretty happy with most of this, its a lyrical meditation on money, so at some parts i wanted it to read like a confusing economics book.  The last block of words is where im looking for some help maybe in the organization of ridiculousness (pronouns, prepositions, etc.) and still make sense sort of.

I saw a cricket on a dime I'm all for dropping capitalization, but shouldn't 'i' be consistent?
it was a perch of monetary significance
so i commenced to listen to its chime commenced to listen? or just listened?
and heard a chirp of considerable magnificence considerable magnificence is wordy and distracting to my eye
well a question crept up of a kind
to cause me curious cognitive dissonance i could do without curious; though cognitive dissonance works for me here
if i ever find a fortune could i redefine refined good sounds end the line
to fit my furious financial indifference without furious for me; i get the alliteration but less is more; maybe i just don't like adjectives (most of the time)
the coins are fallin out of my pocket we start with a cricket on a dime, then coins falling; i'm unsure of how the character connects them
the coins could buy me some chocolates, exotic chocolates here i like the adj.

the shiny stage had been engaged
in providing no fundamental sustenance a stage feeds?
for the creatures need were best assuaged
in captivating its targeted audience i guess you're going for confusing here; all this language is tiring though
well i wont invest or waste my hard earned wages
on risky expenses of capitalistic impudence
then again all men human know a woman who gauges
her companions by the confidence she'll influence seems cheap to throw gold diggers under the bus here; i guess it fits juxtaposed against the marketing talk though
the coins fallin out of my pocket could buy YOU some chocolates, exotic chocolates switch to 2nd person, why?
the coins could build you a rocket and launch it

a glimpse of this crickets persistence this instance cricket's
on a currency of cosmic inconsequence this line means nothing, oxymoronic, intentional?
has since then convinced me dismissal of fiscal assistance 
is complacence for economic incompetence
for if a frugal existence consists of collecting this ten cents good line
and preventing against pecuniary incontinence
you could accumulate potentially billions through the nonsensical contents
of continuous continental concrete reconnaissance
the coins fallin out of my pocket could build US a rocket and launch it
but the coins keep droppin and im not stoppin good line

i like the idea of satirizing economics with jargon, but the jargon is taking over the reading, making it a labor; satire should be more fun. cut the wordiness in half and you may have something.

thanks for sharing 

[CRNDLSM]

I really appreciate  this feedback.  Lyrically, ill admit a lot of the wordiness was to fill space, it's very fast paced, but I can't allow myself to lose rhythm either, hence furious and curious, considerable magnificence.   

The first paragraph a lot of people stop to pick up coins, I stopped because of the cricket, and wonder about all the coins on the ground, falling out of my or anyone's pocket.
The second is about the cricket using the coin as a stage to woo a female probably, so how I could use the coin to buy you (lady friend) exotic chocolates (confidence to ask out so to speak not gold digging lol love it though)
And third paragraph is where I really wanted to rap about the sheer number of coins on the ground.  You seemed to like the third one the best which I thought was the confusing one lol. 
And to me it wouldn't be economics if it wasn't hard to read through.

I think I may drop some adjectives though, make it easier overall to sing out, doesn't need to be a tongue twister. 

Thank you again for the insight

Okay, im pretty happy with most of this, its a lyrical meditation on money, so at some parts i wanted it to read like a confusing economics book.  The last block of words is where im looking for some help maybe in the organization of ridiculousness (pronouns, prepositions, etc.) and still make sense sort of.

I saw a cricket on a dime I'm all for dropping capitalization, but shouldn't 'i' be consistent?
it was a perch of monetary significance
so i commenced to listen to its chime commenced to listen? or just listened?
and heard a chirp of considerable magnificence considerable magnificence is wordy and distracting to my eye
well a question crept up of a kind
to cause me curious cognitive dissonance i could do without curious; though cognitive dissonance works for me here
if i ever find a fortune could i redefine refined good sounds end the line
to fit my furious financial indifference without furious for me; i get the alliteration but less is more; maybe i just don't like adjectives (most of the time)
the coins are fallin out of my pocket we start with a cricket on a dime, then coins falling; i'm unsure of how the character connects them
the coins could buy me some chocolates, exotic chocolates here i like the adj.

the shiny stage had been engaged
in providing no fundamental sustenance a stage feeds?
for the creatures need were best assuaged
in captivating its targeted audience i guess you're going for confusing here; all this language is tiring though
well i wont invest or waste my hard earned wages
on risky expenses of capitalistic impudence
then again all men human know a woman who gauges
her companions by the confidence she'll influence seems cheap to throw gold diggers under the bus here; i guess it fits juxtaposed against the marketing talk though
the coins fallin out of my pocket could buy YOU some chocolates, exotic chocolates switch to 2nd person, why?
the coins could build you a rocket and launch it

a glimpse of this crickets persistence this instance cricket's
on a currency of cosmic inconsequence this line means nothing, oxymoronic, intentional?
has since then convinced me dismissal of fiscal assistance 
is complacence for economic incompetence
for if a frugal existence consists of collecting this ten cents good line
and preventing against pecuniary incontinence
you could accumulate potentially billions through the nonsensical contents
of continuous continental concrete reconnaissance
the coins fallin out of my pocket could build US a rocket and launch it
but the coins keep droppin and im not stoppin good line

i like the idea of satirizing economics with jargon, but the jargon is taking over the reading, making it a labor; satire should be more fun. cut the wordiness in half and you may have something.

thanks for sharing 

[kolemath]

The first paragraph a lot of people stop to pick up coins, I stopped because of the cricket, and wonder about all the coins on the ground, falling out of my or anyone's pocket. interesting idea; bring it out more. i don't see any of this in the stanza.
The second is about the cricket using the coin as a stage to woo a female probably, so how I could use the coin to buy you (lady friend) exotic chocolates (confidence to ask out so to speak not gold digging lol love it though) i saw the coin as a stage; don't use passive voice. let the cricket be active in the sentence. 'had been' is never good (actually past perfect passive, yikes!)
And third paragraph is where I really wanted to rap about the sheer number of coins on the ground.  You seemed to like the third one the best which I thought was the confusing one lol. again, bring out the number of coins on the ground idea more
And to me it wouldn't be economics if it wasn't hard to read through. this is poetry though; allow the economics theme to be secondary, IMO

I think I may drop some adjectives though, make it easier overall to sing out, doesn't need to be a tongue twister. please sing

[tectak]

Thanks kolemath, I feel like I cut out a ton of words
Hi CRND, I come late and have not read the other comments. I bring my comments straight from the freezer and could maybe defrost them somewhat. OK...I get the idea. I like the idea. I accept the idea. I would go as far as to say you, too, got the idea. So nits it is

Edit 1

I see a cricket on a dime Editing on a sixpence works. You have still made sharp turns in the progression of this piece and for the better. The problems that are perhaps, to you, nits...now begin to stand out. The capitalization issues will already, I assume, be known to you but it can only be perverse thinking that means you leave as is. Can you not see the senselessness of dogmatic adherence to outmoded line-start capitalisation? Quite apart from buggering up the sense of the piece it is just NO substitute for punctuation. You will not reconsider because you are "thinking" as you write and have convinced yourself that everyone thinks on the words, the flow, the nuances just as you do. IF you were to punctuate you MAY get nearer to that reality. As it is...no
And pass the perch of monetary significance I want to like this more than I can because it has the confidence of pertinence. If the metaphor loosens it is probably because you did not bind it tightly enough to the rest of the stanza...a kind of Ten Ichi knot that looks tight but isn't. Cricket/perch/dime is really good but good as in "acutely clever"...no follow through made worse by the excludance (and if that ain't a word it should be) implicit in the "but", which means in this case, "in spite of"; not what you mean at all. Drop the conjunction.
But I chance to listen to its chime
As crowds careen around the subtle performance careen is the bon mot. Great choice. Image enhancing. Don't know why they would careen around the cricket on the dime but it still works as a paintbrush. Like it a lot
Well a question catches me in a bind
Constricting calm with cognitive dissonance
Do I find this a fortune and redefine refined
Or consent to financial indifference
The coins are falling out of my pocket 
The coins could by me some chocolates? Exotic chocolates no more on this. You are WASTING words and MEANING and INTENSITY and VERACITY by not punctuating at all.

The stage supports the will engaged
While supplying no fundamental sustenance 
But the creatures needs are best assuaged
In captivating its targeted audience 
Well I won't invest or waste my hard earned wages
On risky expenses or capitalistic impudence  Great stuff. As I said I wouldn't say more I won't say more but....
Then again all men human know a woman who gages Don't really like this unnecessary inversion "all men human...". Shome mishtake here, shurely... 
Her companions by the confidence she'll influence
The coins falling out of my pocket could buy you some chocolates, exotic chocolates
The coins could build you a rocket and launch it A whole lot of meaning is lost now. You are verging on rambling. Come back


A glimpse of this cricket's persistence this instance 
On a currency of cosmic inconsequence
Convinces me dismissal of fiscal assistance
Is complacence not economic incompetence
For if a frugal existence consists of collecting this ten cents
While preventing against pecuniary incontinence OK .Stop. Stop right here. Man overboard. You are losing the plot a lot. You have the words but you are now rapping whereas you were once writing. Writing is think-words but rapping is words-sound. Oh, sure, you can combine the two but what do you want from me?
I'd accumulate millions of dollars through the contents
Of continuous  sidewalk reconnaissance 
The coins falling out of my pocket could build us a rocket, and launch it
But the coins keep dropping, and I'm not stopping I know this sounds "school-marm exam"-ish but you could do better ...if you want to, that is.


Original


I saw a cricket on a dime
it was a perch of monetary significance
so i commenced to listen to its chime
and heard a chirp of considerable magnificence
well a question crept up of a kind
to cause me curious cognitive dissonance
if i ever find a fortune could i redefine refined
to fit my furious financial indifference
the coins are fallin out of my pocket
the coins could buy me some chocolates, exotic chocolates

the shiny stage had been engaged
in providing no fundamental sustenance
for the creatures need were best assuaged
in captivating its targeted audience
well i wont invest or waste my hard earned wages
on risky expenses of capitalistic impudence
then again all men human know a woman who gauges
her companions by the confidence she'll influence
the coins fallin out of my pocket could buy YOU some chocolates, exotic chocolates
the coins could build you a rocket and launch it

a glimpse of this crickets persistence this instance
on a currency of cosmic inconsequence
has since then convinced me dismissal of fiscal assistance
is complacence for economic incompetence
for if a frugal existence consists of collecting this ten cents
and preventing against pecuniary incontinence
you could accumulate potentially billions through the nonsensical contents
of continuous continental concrete reconnaissance
the coins fallin out of my pocket could build US a rocket and launch it
but the coins keep droppin and im not stoppin