A dance of creation (Edit 1)

[Joseph Didis]

Edit 1

|: "Bite me!"
Said the tail to the head.
And a cycle of universe
started again.

It seemed like forever,
the head chased the tail,
in the end it collapsed
and was dead. :|

Seemingly separate,
secretly same,
losing themselves
in their names.

Space and matter
Thought and time
Cloud and river
You and wine

The connecting body
forgotten in words,
describing the world
in a way it is not.

It's on and off
A wavelike pattern
Repeated forever
A delusional fever

-----------------------------------

Bite me!
Said the tail to the head.
And a cycle of universe
started again.

It lasted forever,
the head chased the tail,
in the end it collapsed
and was dead.

Seemingly separate,
secretly same,
losing themselves
in their names.

The connecting body
forgotten in words,
describing the world
in a way it is not.

Space and matter
Thought and time
Steam and ice
You and wine

It's on and off
A wavelike pattern
Repeated forever
A delusional fever

[Magpie]

Hi Joseph, this is an interesting poem you've got here that could be interpreted a few ways. I left some comments below.

Bite me!
Said the tail to the head.
And a cycle of universe
started again.  -- I think this opening stanza is excellent in drawing the reader in. It grabs you straight away. You might want to put the first line in inverted commas because it is speech. 

It lasted forever,
the head chased the tail, -- The first two stanzas with mention of a head and a tail make me think of the 'ouroboros' the ancient symbol of a serpent eating its tail. It all fits in with your whole theme of a cycle and eternal return.
in the end it collapsed -- The first line of this stanza says, 'It lasted forever' and then this line says, 'in the end' which contradicts the idea of something lasting forever. Is this intentional for a reason, it may need rethinking.
and was dead.

Seemingly separate,
secretly same, -- secretly the same -- sounds better when read out loud
losing themselves
in their names.

The connecting body
forgotten in words,
describing the world
in a way it is not.

Space and matter
Thought and time
Steam and ice
You and wine -- these comparisons are interesting and somewhat slightly confusing, although that may be the intention considering the previous stanza.

It's on and off -- In this stanza—or perhaps somewhere else in the poem—I would be tempted to slip in a palindrome because it is 'Repeating forever' if you wanted it to. The only problem is coming up with one that you're able to use without people saying it's not original. 'never odd or even' is a palindrome that could almost work in this stanza.
A wavelike pattern
Repeated forever
A delusional fever -- and for this line there is a classic palindrome I'd be tempted to use... 'Dammit I'm mad'
There are such things as palindrome poems but the technicalities prevent them from having much poetic value, plus the fact that they will drive you insane.

Probably best not to dwell on the palindrome idea too much, I think that's probably my obsession, that and anagrams.

Cheers for the read,

Mark

[Joseph Didis]

Hi Mark,

Thank you very much for your comments!
I have been watching a lot of football (European cup) so I have not worked too much on an edit, but an edit is on its way.

About the contradiction of forever and in the end, it was intentional, sort of a "time is an illusion" thing, but I am not sure it works too well.
In my first workings of this poem I had a repeat sign for the first 2 stanzas so they would form an infinite loop, but I don't know how to make those symbols on a computer and thought they did not make much difference..But they probably do..I still think I will go with something like "it seemed like forever, the head chased the tail"..

I think I also will move up the comparisons above "the connecting body"..

The idea is that everything is connected, but we forget about it and see all as separate events..both the ouroboros (I did not know of that name though) and yin and yang has been big inspirations for this piece.

Again, thank you!

[Magpie]

Hi Joseph,

When you say infinite loop do you mean a lemniscate like these ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ 
If that's what you wanted to use you could just copy and paste them from here 

Enjoy the football 

Mark

Addition: Actually I had another thought, perhaps you meant a repeat sign for music notation |:     :| if so I think that is a unique idea as it would create the infinite loop.

[Joseph Didis]

Hi Joseph,

When you say infinite loop do you mean a lemniscate like these ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ 
If that's what you wanted to use you could just copy and paste them from here 

Enjoy the football 

Mark

Addition: Actually I had another thought, perhaps you meant a repeat sign for music notation |:     :| if so I think that is a unique idea as it would create the infinite loop.

The music notation was how I meant, thank you very much for looking it up so I could copy paste it.

I liked the palindrome idea, and I still think a bit about it, but I don't have much experience with them so have to read a few to see if there is something I like to use. I think I might leave that for another poem.

About this, I read it in this way:

See mi ngly   se pa rate,
se cre tly   same,
Lo sing  them selves
In their names

Do you still think "the" would be better..I am not a native english speaker so I might pronounce it wrong?

[Magpie]

About this, I read it in this way:

See mi ngly   se pa rate,
se cre tly   same,
Lo sing  them selves
In their names

Do you still think "the" would be better..I am not a native english speaker so I might pronounce it wrong?

Grammatically it sounds awkward without 'the', and I also think that it suits the rhythm better to include it.

I really like the idea of the repeat sign   good thinking.

Also I think it might be kind of neat to finish with the tail saying to the head "Bite me!" if you think it would suit the theme of the poem. Just a thought

[Joseph Didis]

Grammatically it sounds awkward without 'the', and I also think that it suits the rhythm better to include it.

I really like the idea of the repeat sign   good thinking.

Also I think it might be kind of neat to finish with the tail saying to the head "Bite me!" if you think it would suit the theme of the poem. Just a thought

Thank you, I am happy you think it made the poem better with repeat signs.

I really like the idea of ending it with the tail saying bite me, I am just trying to come up with a good ending stanza where it would fit. 

Thank you very much for your comments and the time you have put into this, it is much appreciated!