Circumstances

[CRNDLSM]

Cause I got locked out of my house,
I didn't have a phone to call for help.
I walked a mile through a storm
Cause I needed to get to the bank.

I didn't have my phone to call for help,
waving down any car that passed by,
cause I needed to get to the bank.
I lost complete track of time!

Waving down any car that passed by,
soaked, slowly reaching my defeat,
I lost complete track of time -
the bank was closed and I couldn't get paid!

Soaked, slowly reaching my defeat
(people after all were relying on me),
the bank was closed and I couldn't get paid.
Interest rates on debts are outstanding!

People were after all relying on me,
now what will I tell my family?
Interest rates on debts are outstanding;
Hope the next check pays off this one?

Now what will I tell my family?
I walked a mile through a storm,
hope the next check pays off this one!
Cause I got locked out of my house?

[just mercedes]

Wow - you're quick! Well done.

[burrealist]

Cause I got locked out of my house, I'm no nazi, but shouldn't you use apostrophes?
I didn't have a phone to call for help.
I walked a mile through a storm 
Cause I needed to get to the bank.

I didn't have my phone to call for help,
waving down any car that passed by,
cause I needed to get to the bank. The repetitions may be hard to interweave through new ways. This line seems too direct of a repeat from its last usage, but that's just a tiny thought. I don't think there is a way to rewrite the poem, anyway.
I lost complete track of time!

Waving down any car that passed by,
soaked, slowly reaching my defeat,
I lost complete track of time -
the bank was closed and I couldn't get paid! Bummer, dude. What a horrible day.

Soaked, slowly reaching my defeat
(people after all were relying on me),
the bank was closed and I couldn't get paid.
Interest rates on debts are outstanding! I felt a little distracted by this line, so I'm guessing its wit missed my face.

People were after all relying on me,
now what will I tell my family? This is where I like the repetitions a lot. After all that crud, your worries are complicated and racing like panicked thoughts.
Interest rates on debts are outstanding;
Hope the next check pays off this one? Is your current check going to cease?

Now what will I tell my family?
I walked a mile through a storm, They should feel some sympathy for your sake!
hope the next check pays off this one!
Cause I got locked out of my house? Where is your family, anyway? Don't use your ID or debit card to get back in. I tried that. Eventually my ID was mangled while the door didn't budge.

I never have attempted this! That's impressive. I was reading In the Palm of Your Hand and thought how hard this would be to write. 

The development is great. It's a simple start, but the story gradually unfolds like you're pacing between your thoughts. The revelations build up very well and complicate everything more and more. That must be why you chose this form (I forget what it's called).

[CRNDLSM]

Thanks burrealist, I chose the form cause I'd never tried one, and made up the story as I went along. I wasn't sure how repetitive it had to be, I thought the punctuation was the only leniency, but I agree it would flow smoother with a few tweaks. I'm always learning new things on this site!

[burrealist]

Thanks burrealist, I chose the form cause I'd never tried one, and made up the story as I went along. I wasn't sure how repetitive it had to be, I thought the punctuation was the only leniency, but I agree it would flow smoother with a few tweaks. I'm always learning new things on this site!

Glad to hear it's fiction, but the way you emote seems real. I thought it was written in passion.