The Epitaph of Gurash the Brash

[Slix343]

"It was no surprise that Gurash the Brash could not slay the dragon.
Though it was a surprise that finally, the dragon managed to slay Gurash the Brash."

[Achebe]

If I may speak,
there isn't a lot -
even tommy rot-
here to critique.

[Slix343]

If I may speak,
there isn't a lot -
even tommy rot-
here to critique.

It's an epitaph dude there doesn't need to be 8 lines of text.

[Achebe]

Ok. It's too wordy and long winded to be witty.

[Slix343]

Ok. It's too wordy and long winded to be witty.

Better, I can actually use that.

[Achebe]

The short poems forum might be better suited for this. That's what I wanted to say, but the urge to feign wit got the better of me

[QDeathstar]

This is a workshop. do you honestly plan to workshop this? It's two sentences. No offense, but I don't see much poetry here. These are just two statements.


it was no surprise that when it rained, I got wet..
but it was a suprise when I got wet, it did not rain.

Well. Ok then.

[Slix343]

This is a workshop. do you honestly plan to workshop this? It's two sentences. No offense, but I don't see much poetry here.  These are just two statements.


it was no surprise that when it rained, I got wet..
but it was a suprise when I got wet, it did not rain.

Well. Ok then.

No offense taken! Quite the contrary. I want to see what I can do with such a smaller scale poem. Though if I should move it elsewhere then I probably will.

[Leanne]

Moved to short form/ Admin

[Todd]

"It was no surprise that Gurash the Brash could not slay the dragon.
Though it was a surprise that finally, the dragon managed to slay Gurash the Brash."

If Gurash the Brash is in your title, it probably doesn't have to be in your poem.

I would say cut "that finally" but I think its one of the few necessary elements of humor if paring down the poem is to be successful.

It seems that there is too much setup to make this work. I don't have a solution for you yet, but I think concentrating on getting it done in one line relying mostly on line two to be the base you work from might get you there.

[Slix343]

"It was no surprise that Gurash the Brash could not slay the dragon.
Though it was a surprise that finally, the dragon managed to slay Gurash the Brash."

If Gurash the Brash is in your title, it probably doesn't have to be in your poem.

I would say cut "that finally" but I think its one of the few necessary elements of humor if paring down the poem is to be successful.

It seems that there is too much setup to make this work. I don't have a solution for you yet, but I think concentrating on getting it done in one line relying mostly on line two to be the base you work from might get you there.

Thank you those are excellent points and I'll consider them!

[Southern Scarab]

"It was no surprise that Gurash the Brash could not slay the dragon.
Though it was a surprise that finally, the dragon managed to slay Gurash the Brash."

The title brought me in, but the poem itself didn't bring much more to the table. Short ain't bad. But if it's shorter, it also needs to be more compact, and less redundant. That being said, It gave me a good laugh before I remembered I was in public.

[just mercedes]

"It was no surprise that Gurash the Brash could not slay the dragon.
Though it was a surprise that finally, the dragon managed to slay Gurash the Brash."

I like the humor. I know having words cut into a granite headstone is incredibly expensive, so I'd trim this a bit to make it more affordable.

Gurash the Brash slayed no dragons
but a dragon slayed Gurash the Brash                              maybe.

[RiverNotch]

"It was no surprise that Gurash the Brash could not slay the dragon.
Though it was a surprise that finally, the dragon managed to slay Gurash the Brash."

I don't think one normally titles epitaphs, so I'll take the title as a placeholder.
Yeah, the piece does demand too much to fully work -- that last line cannot be anything but overlong -- but otherwise, I kinda like it. It reads like a video game easter egg, maybe something you'd see in a Tamrielic jokebook. As for specifics, you could try pushing it -- 'finally', I imagine, could hold more detail -- and for the first line, well, contractions are your friend?

[just mercedes]

Maybe just


'Gurash 'Dragon-slayer, Dragon-slayed' the Brash'.