Poetry in Real Time #4

[Tiger the Lion]

Sweetheart,

isn't it amazing?

amazing how this summer endured

 

even now,

 look at it

pushing its bull head into September

begging us to once more

splash naked in the lake

 

we listen, obey, and dream in moonlight

 

who could ever call us in

while the sun sings summer

and our ears are virgin?

 

I love you

tomorrow we begin again.

[Lizzie]

Hi Tiger, I have a couple of thoughts for you on this one. I'm not moved by the center alignment, although I don't hate it. To me it isn't obvious the purpose, and that lack of purpose is distracting.

I don't think you need the second 'amazing' in L3.
I'd move the 'to' in L7 to L8 just before 'splash.'
L9 feels unnecessarily long. Maybe do:

we listen and obey,
dream in moonlight

There's an ambiguity in the end line concerning what begins again. Their love? The summer? The splashing/dreaming? I'm not bothered by it if you're not -- I don't know what meaning you were going for.

I love 'pushing its bull head into September' and 'the sun sings summer.'

It's a solid write, for me.

Cheers,

Lizzie