Waking up

[Joseph Didis]

Edit 2
*I have done some minor edits after I published this version, nothing huge though, just changed a few words.

”Choose happiness”, I heard you say,
”come my friend, enjoy the play.”

I stared at you in disbelief. . .

I said: You hear the children crying!
Know the pain of dear friends dying!
Watch the news, there's hundreds dead!
Sobbing women, forced to bed!
"Choose happiness", "enjoy the play",
I could never live that way!

”Choose happiness”, you said again,
”Rejoice that you're alive my friend.
And see the trees,
so calm and free,
From our thoughts,
of misery.”

You said ”Oh, I have felt the pain,
had years of darkened skies and rain.
I tried to cure depressive thinking,
with my friend, excessive drinking.
Maybe it f**ed up my brain,
but playing seems so sane.”

”Watch a laughing child and mother,
who rejoice in one another.
You must choose which things you see,
what you read, and who to be.”

”Sharing happiness with other,
that should be your only bother,
then you'll find yourself at ease,
within yourself,
at peace.”



I really like the turn this has taken, thank you all for your comments!

I know the new stanza is riddled with cliches, but I think it is ok as it works with the rest of the piece? I hope that it takes away some of the preachyness, but maybe it just made it worse?
I think I got the ending right this time anyway..The beginning I am still not so sure of, I have played with it so much I think I will have to leave it for a few days anyway.. and I guess I have to let go at some point too, I think I might do some smaller edits but pretty much keep the last version..

---------

Edit 1

Choose happiness, I heard you say,
With open eyes, enjoy the play.

I looked at you in disbelief. . .

I said: You hear the children crying!
Know the pain of dear friends dying!
Watch the news, there's hundreds dead!
Sobbing women, forced to bed!
"Choose happiness", "enjoy the play",
It's not possible these days!

Choose happiness, you said again,
Rejoice that you're alive my friend.
And see the trees,
so calm and free,
From our thoughts,
of misery.

A laughing child, a smiling mother,
They rejoice in one another.
You must choose which things to see,
What you read, and who to be.

When sharing happiness with other,
Is for you the only bother.
You will see this life can be,
Filled with peace,
Step out of "me".




Thank you for your comments, I believe this is a much better version!
I would still much enjoy comments on the new version, although I am quite happy with the way it is now too.
I think it got better with punctuation, thanks for pointing it out. And I also tried to make it clearer who is saying what, which I think is a big improvement. Especially since it made me change those lines to statements, which is more in line with how certain negative thoughts can feel.

Not sure if getting rid of quotation marks is better or not, looks cleaner anyways, but not sure if it is as obvious what is speech and what is not? Maybe it doesn't matter though.

I really appreciate the help with this piece! Thank you!

------------------
"Snap out of it" I heard you say
"From ~the way~ you've gone astray"

I looked at you in disbelief..

"Can't you hear the children crying?
Feel the pain, a dear friend dying?
Bombs are falling, hundreds dead
Women sobbing, forced to bed
In my head I see it play
Doesn't matter what you say"

"Choose happiness" you said again
"Rejoice that you're alive my friend
And see the trees so calm and free
From our thoughts of misery"

Laughing children, smiling mother
They rejoice in one another
"You must choose what you will see
What to read, and who to be"

"Share your happiness with other
Spreading smiles, your only bother
You will see this earth can be
A place of peace eternally"


---------------
I know I have only posted in the beginners forum so far, so if it fits better there that is fine, but I think this is as good as I can make this on my own, I really want it to be as good as possible though...

I will just show some variations that I have been thinking of.
"From ~the way~ you've gone astray"  (Feelings leading you astray.. I can see you're not ok.. How you feel is not the way) Not sure what is best,or something other all together, it is a a person talking to a highly depressed person anyways..

Women sobbing, forced to bed   (I was not sure if this was "too much", and I should go with something like "Smashing bottles to the head") actually that might be worse..I don't know..

Then I also cut out:
Take control and you'll be free
Every moment mindfully

Because not sure if I think it fits anywhere, and "mindfully" might resonate bad with some people so might be better left out, not sure..

Any help appreciated, thank you in advance.

[Caleb Murdock]

"Snap out of it" I heard you say
"From ~the way~ you've gone astray" -- despite your comments, not sure what the tildes mean

I looked at you in disbelief..

"Can't you hear the children crying?
Feel the pain, a dear friend dying?
Bombs are falling, hundreds dead
Women sobbing, forced to bed
In my head I see it play
Doesn't matter what you say" -- these last two lines don't sound like something someone would say to snap someone out of a depression

"Choose happiness" you said again -- in the poem, at least, this is the first "choose happiness"
"Rejoice that you're alive my friend
And see the trees so calm and free
From our thoughts of misery"

Laughing children, smiling mother
They rejoice in one another -- are these characters given as examples of happiness?
"You must choose what you will see
What to read, and who to be"

"Share your happiness with other
Spreading smiles, your only bother
You will see this earth can be
A place of peace eternally" -- this stanza is a little convoluted


---------------
I know I have only posted in the beginners forum so far, so if it fits better there that is fine, but I think this is as good as I can make this on my own, I really want it to be as good as possible though...

I will just show some variations that I have been thinking of.
"From ~the way~ you've gone astray"  (Feelings leading you astray.. I can see you're not ok.. How you feel is not the way) Not sure what is best,or something other all together, it is a a person talking to a highly depressed person anyways..

Women sobbing, forced to bed   (I was not sure if this was "too much", and I should go with something like "Smashing bottles to the head") actually that might be worse..I don't know..

Then I also cut out:
Take control and you'll be free
Every moment mindfully

Because not sure if I think it fits anywhere, and "mindfully" might resonate bad with some people so might be better left out, not sure..

Any help appreciated, thank you in advance.

It's an interesting poem.  Your meaning seems pretty clear:  Someone is telling you to "snap out of it" (out of your funk) because there are so many worse things happening in the world, and you could have much better reasons for feeling bad than the ones you have.  Or at least, that's the meaning I am taking from it.  Oh, I see you've already told us that you are depressed.  (When I say "you", I mean the speaker in the poem, who may be fictional.)

I added some comments.  My main thought is this:  Is giving a depressed person a stern lecture the best way to release him from his unhappiness?  The words in quotes sound like a scold from a parent which has the same basic meaning as, "Eat your supper! There are children starving in India!" (or some variation of that).  I think there are kinder ways of saying, "I know you are depressed and feeling bad, but things could be so much worse."  A good poem has to have a good meaning, and the scolding person speaking in quotes isn't necessarily saying anything of value. What's needed in your poem is a more subtle approach to the subject, more insight.

[Joseph Didis]

I realize now how it could be read as scolding, it was meant as the depressed person speaking. I am not sure how to show this though, without adding words to it, so would much appreciate help with that..I hope the last two lines of that part makes more sense after that?

~the way~ is taken from chinese philosophy, taoism..but I realise it might also be a bit over the top..would like to rewrite that line, I will have to think more about it but will probably use something with "choose happiness" as you pointed out would make more sense later in the poem.

I was also thinking of changing "snap out of it" to "Come back to me", a line from apocalypto, when a person is thinking of something else and his wife says that..might be better?

Thanks a lot, it is much appreciated!

[Caleb Murdock]

I realize now how it could be read as scolding, it was meant as the depressed person speaking. I am not sure how to show this though, without adding words to it, so would much appreciate help with that..I hope the last two lines of that part makes more sense after that?

~the way~ is taken from chinese philosophy, taoism..but I realise it might also be a bit over the top..would like to rewrite that line, I will have to think more about it but will probably use something with "choose happiness" as you pointed out would make more sense later in the poem.

I was also thinking of changing "snap out of it" to "Come back to me", a line from apocalypto, when a person is thinking of something else and his wife says that..might be better?

Thanks a lot, it is much appreciated!

I'm sorry.  It wasn't clear to me that the speaker was addressing himself.

I've heard the term "the way" before, but when you take it out of context, few people will understand it.

The poem does come across as preachy to me.  Preachy can be good at times, but the preachiness should be kept to a minimum, even when the preaching is from one's self.  If the speaker in the poem is of two minds, I think there are betters ways to show it than to use quotes for the inner voice.

[Unknown]

The poem's meaning is good as well as the way it is presented, but I think that there are a few punctuation things. The first thing is that after disbelief, I couldn't tell if you were trying for an ellipses, or to end the line, but it has two periods. Also, if your lines of speech are ending at each stanza, you might want to add periods, but if they aren't, add commas (as well as that spot behind happiness in the third to last stanza.) The message gets to me, though, with the whole idea of helping a person with depression.

[Lizzie]

Ok, so I like this a lot. I agree that it is not clear that there is not an outside voice saying the "encouraging" things to the despairing person. You refer to that voice as "you," and to the other as "I." I think you have a dilemma: whose voices are these really? What do you want them to be?

I think that the idea of a mind split in half (while terrible), can yield interesting results. If the voice originally was absorbed from the outside, from a mother or sister for instance, then you have the added element of dealing with possibly a true vs. false self element. Exploring this could add some more depth to the poem.

I feel conflicted about the "you" voice: it seems like a person who is genuinely trying to be helpful out of love, but being a bit condescending and, perhaps, minimizing the pain that the person is in. For me, that muddles the happy ending.

For me, the preachy-ness of the "you" voice is intensified by your use of rhyme. It makes that voice feel "Mother Goose" ish.

I feel so torn about the final line: the ability to step out of your own mind and own pain is a necessary thing. And, I want the troubled protagonist to find peace and perspective! However, it reads to me like an abandoning of the true self is what's being asked in order for "healing" or functionality to resume. It's a very bittersweet ending for me.

Loved the read!

All the best to you

[kolemath]

Hey, Joseph.  I know I'm a bit late coming in here, but I really like this poem.  I see a lot of comments on punctuation, and agree a few more quotation marks might clarify the ambiguity of the speaker.  A few other comments are below too.
[quote='Joseph Didis' pid='211118' dateline='1464100671']
Edit 1

Choose happiness, I heard you say, --"Choose happiness," might clarify that this speaker isn't the poem's speaker.
With open eyes, enjoy the play. --Is choosing happiness the same as enjoying the play? How so? It seems to me that enjoying a play (with regard to how one views life) is a bit of a cynical worldview, so does one choose happiness within cynicism? "Enjoy the play," I love this line, but does it fit with "Choose happiness?"

I looked at you in disbelief. . .

I said: You hear the children crying!
Know the pain of dear friends dying!
Watch the news, there's hundreds dead!
Sobbing women, forced to bed!
"Choose happiness", "enjoy the play", --I love the rhythm of this stanza and how the rhythm is broken in this line to capture, what seems to me, as an unrealistic way of viewing the violence of the world. Great work!
It's not possible these days!

Choose happiness, you said again, --so quotes here, as this isn't the poem's speaker? "Choose happiness,"
Rejoice that you're alive my friend.
And see the trees,
so calm and free,
From our thoughts,
of misery. --This is a smart stanza; happiness is found in ignoring the violence of people and instead focusing on the freedom (and innocence?) of nature.

A laughing child, a smiling mother,
They rejoice in one another.
You must choose which things to see,
What you read, and who to be. --again, this stanza is great, rhythm, content, imagery, but is it a play? how does this connect to the first stanza?

When sharing happiness with other, --"others" or "another" ?
Is for you the only bother. --great line and word play
You will see this life can be,
Filled with peace,
Step out of "me". --so the "me" here isn't the poem's second speaker, so should quotes be used? maybe italics would be better?

Great read! -Kole

[Joseph Didis]

Thank you all for very insightful comments!

I am not sure if preachy is good or bad. When I read the second speaker in my head, it becomes "a hymn to life". I guess that is another way of saying preachy. Then it might be I just like it that way. I was playing a bit with rearranging the lines like this in the third(fourth?) stanza:

A smiling mother,
A laughing child,
They rejoice in one another.
You must choose which things to see,
What you read, and who to be.

It takes away some of the rythm, not sure if it is enough to take away the "Mother Gooseiness"? I will have to think a bit more about this..

Regarding viewing life as play, I don't think it has to be cynical, although I am aware it can be seen as cynical. But just as you can view life as very serious or sad, and focus on the bad, you can choose to try and find what is fun in whatever you are doing, and thus making it play. (Alan Watts inspired that line if you're interested in a more in depth philosophical journey. Listening to him talk is quite fun. There is a lot on youtube.) I will see if I can reconnect play in the third stanza, or if I should rewrite line 2 again..Or if I will leave it unconnected..so many choices, so much fun!

I am leaning toward changing line 2 into "Be here, now, enjoy the play." /
Or "come out and play" might, at least in an obscure way, connect with a laughing child?

I am also thinking that the ending should be changed..I feel it is a bit abrupt, it does not really build up to the idea of disidentifying with the ego which was sort of the point with the last line..Not giving up the true self, but finding it. Otherwise, putting "me" in italics is a class act, thank you for that suggestion. I will come back with an updated version in a while, you have given me so much food for thought..It is much appreciated!

Again, thank you!