Alstromeria

[Universalchild]

I wrote this a few days after his funeral so it is incredibly raw, I don't mind if you want to make suggestions but this is just an incredibly personal poem that I thought I wouldn't ever share with people, but after over a year of waiting I have decided to let it out. He was a housemate of sorts; not a friend, I will not lie and say I miss him like his real friends do, but his death will never leave me because I experienced it, I saw it, and lived it.

Alstroemeria

thoughts scattered
like ashes
heart pumps ink
lips blue

memories encrusted into
blood stains
petals perfectly balanced
sage smoke whisps
and whispers the soft call
of dark rooms
empty spaces
stale
as if the stopping of your breath
stopped the air too

waiting for a heartbeat
your silence is punctured by sirens
and rasping machines pumping
futility into your lungs

and you were only twenty-one
too fucking young
but for the taste of squashed cake
fleeting glimpses
of your white face and black blood

wilting flowers for
sweet remains
soon fresh ones lain
upon a grave

[laltieri0]

Thank you for sharing.

The first and last stanzas are strong-- the only opinion I have on those is that "thoughts scattered" doesn't begin the poem with a strong image.
If you want to keep that line, I might switch L1 and L2 with L3 and L4 so you're starting with "heart pumps ink/lips blue/thoughts scattered/like ashes"

I enjoy some of the snapshot imagery you're providing, as well as the phrase "stale/as if the stopping of your breath/stopped the air too"

[Universalchild]

Thank-you, although part of the reason it starts with that is because of the funeral as he was cremated and that is where I started writing it.