Name Game

[kolemath]

Name Game


1
Your name

staked in your brain
like tracks of a railroad train.

If you had a different name,
would you be the same?

Imagine the traveling pain
from thousands of rattling trains
hammered across your brain
cuffing out rhythms,
This is your name!
This is your name!
This is your name!

Do names limit lives
as tracks limit destinations?

Were I a Joe,
would I be a plumber?
Were I a Bob,
would I be a builder?

I’ve yet to know Cletus the theorist.

2
Imagine naming yourself.

Slower.

Imagine naming 

your 

self

without the polluted distraction
of the long traveled tracks
your name has rattled along.

Now, imagine 
your 
self
unnamed because

these pseudonyms won’t last. 

Thread closed. Current thread in Mild Critique:
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-18851.html

[Universalchild]

I was going to try and give critique but I really just love this - not sure I can express it without sounding OTT but it's really clever and something I resonate with and has a good dose of madness. I really love poetry that uses space too. I don't do it enough, I'm definitely going to keep in mind when I next write a poem. I think the only bit I don't really love is "Were I a Joe,
would I be a plumber?
Were I a Bob,
would I be a builder?" - I don't have a good idea of my own, I just found that bit harder to read when I read it out loud.

[Todd]

Hi kolemath, welcome to the site! On the whole I enjoyed this. It was a fun read with some interesting lines. Some comments below:

Name Game


1
Your name

staked in your brain--Like the strophe break above for the pause and the emphasis. Also this comparison makes for a strong opening image (that you build upon well later).
like tracks of a railroad train.

If you had a different name,
would you be the same?--Interesting question. Does the name fix us to some destiny. In this it's good that you mentioned railroad tracks as they have a predetermined path.

Imagine the traveling pain--I get the need to rhyme with brain but I'm not sure travelling pain is the best phrasing.
from thousands of rattling trains
hammered across your brain
cuffing out rhythms,--cuffing is a nice word choice.
This is your name!
This is your name!
This is your name!

Do names limit lives
as tracks limit destinations?--Normally I'm leery of two many questions in poems, but your questions are less rhetorical and more thought provoking. I love where this question takes me.

Were I a Joe,
would I be a plumber?
Were I a Bob,
would I be a builder?--A few cultural touchstones. I may want to see Joe to Cletus in their own section.

I’ve yet to know Cletus the theorist.

2
Imagine naming yourself.

Slower.--Interesting use of the word here also with the additional full stop of the period. Sort of a your not listening let's try again moment.

Imagine naming 

your --This is a nice break

self

without the polluted distraction--This might be stronger pared down. Polluted distraction may itself be a distraction as its newly added here. Maybe more simply: "without the long traveled tracks...
of the long traveled tracks
your name has rattled along.

Now, imagine 
your 
self
unnamed because--I think unnamed needs to end a line due to its importance maybe some restructuring.

these pseudonyms won’t last.--Good ending 

Okay, I may have went a little overboard in novice, but I tried to keep my comments light. There's a lot I like here, and the poem has more depth than at first glance. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[Joseph Didis]

Beautiful execution on a theme that resonates well with me.

I liked the Builder Bob reference, never heard of Joe the plumber before, but guess it matters little.
You could think if rearrangeing these lines though:

Were I a Joe,
would I be a plumber?
Were I a Bob,
would I be a builder?

Do names limit lives
as tracks limit destinations?

I’ve yet to know Cletus the theorist.

I also agree with Todd's comment that "unnamed" should end a line, maybe just cut "because"..The last line is a great ending anyway.

Thank you for sharing your work.

[kolemath]

Thank you for the brilliant comments Universal Child, Joseph, and Todd!  I especially appreciate the line by line analysis from Todd and the cogent suggestions.  This is my first post to the forum, and I was too chicken to start with the advanced sections.

 

 

I've hazarded a revision below.  Thanks for poking holes in the weak lines folks. Quick question, did my revision from Joe to Cletus refresh the reading?  Should I dig deeper in this section?  Thanks for everything! -Kole

 

Name Game





 
1
Your name

staked in your brain
like tracks of a railroad train.
 
If you had a different name,
would you be the same?
 
2
From birth you are staked with a name
hammering over your brain
like thousands of rattling trains
cuffing out rhythms the same,
 
This is your name!
This is your name!
This is your name!
 
Do names limit lives
as tracks limit destinations?
 
Joe the plumber
pulls pipes in Pittsburg.
Bob the builder
hammers houses in Houston.
 
But where’s Cletus the theorist?
Should have named him Theodore.
 
3
Imagine naming yourself.
 
Slower.
 
Imagine naming 
 
your 
 
self
 
without the long traveled tracks
your name has rattled along
rattling you away.
 
Now, imagine 
your 
self
unnamed.
 
These pseudonyms won’t last. 

[Joseph Didis]

You have had me thinking for days with this one, really good job!

I will only comment on a short section that I have been thinking about a lot.

 
Joe the plumber    I liked the first version of these lines better, then they stopped me in my tracks and got me thinking.. I started thinking about that you could use the name John, or even Jane, in the sense "Then I'd be anyone", playing with John/Jane Doe. I think I like Jane more, as the poem seems to be written from the point of a man, Jane would imply you could even transcend your sex.
pulls pipes in Pittsburg.
Bob the builder
hammers houses in Houston.
 
But where’s Cletus the theorist?
Should have named him Theodore.
 

Cool poem, again, thank you for sharing it.

[kolemath]

Thanks for your reply, Joseph! I love the idea of expanding the concept beyond working men!