rotting

[justcloudy]

edit 

The crack in her ancient voice
repeats, dully echoing in the hollow
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green.
Her dents cave in, subsiding
into holes and heaps of mush.
Crumbles gather in the dips;
microbes clamber through the litter.
She was once an upright bastion,
proud of all whom she gave life to.
Now millions, just born, crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse.


original

The crack in her ancient voice
repeats, echoing in the hollow
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green.
Her dents cave in, collapsing.
Crumbles gather in the cracks;
microbes clamber through the litter.
She was once an upright bastion,
now millions crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse.

[Cousin Kil]

The crack in her ancient voice
repeats, echoing in the hollow Is she speaking from the grave? Is this an action that is actually happening or metaphorical to a degree?
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green. Haven't heard trunk used in this sense. I like it a lot.
Her dents cave in, collapsing.
Crumbles gather in the cracks;
microbes clamber through the litter. I think this is your best line.
She was once an upright bastion,
now millions crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse.

I was eating when I read this. Mistake on my part. And I think that's a good thing.

Your images are grotesque and methodically so.

However your poem isn't very emotive to me-- and that's not to say that it should be-- but I find myself kind of empty after reading it. Maybe that empty feeling is what your after?... But the take away still isn't much for me, except for perhaps the idea that humans can be "bastions" as you write, earth-shakers in how they live their lives maybe, but eventually end up returning to the ground like anything else. If that's the idea you're after, cool, and I got that. But I can't say that's a particularly new one, though nothing is really new.

I guess I would say make your language more unique in some way. The line that stood out to me was "microbes clamber through the litter". Other words I liked were "trunk" and "bastion". Maybe if you were to tackle this idea with more language like this, I'd receive the poem in a new way. You can't make it new, but you can make it feel new.

Or maybe, thinking about "trunk", you can focus in on the idea of death as a journey. This is why I liked the word "trunk" so much, and maybe even why you chose it. Death as a journey isn't a new idea either, but it's a capturing one and something I think can hold some emotional pay off.

And so can the idea you have so far. It's just as of now it reads to me like some very well-constructed observations that don't make me feel much, however eloquent.

But maybe I'm just missing something.

Thanks for the read,
Cousin

[Achebe]

Hi JC - I quite like this poem. My only discomfort is with 'echo' followed by 'blanketed' - acoustically unlikely. I think adding in a 'dully' or 'muffled' might help resolve that issue.

Edit: perhaps another one: the present continuous in 'collapsing' is confusing as it gives the impression of 'cave in' being an action happening at the present moment. Suggest 'where collapsed' or 'collapsed' or 'have caved in'

[justcloudy]

Thanks Cousin and Achebe for the insightful comments! Good stuff to think on. Really appreciate it!

And Cousin-- I tried to warn you with the title! Sincere apologies for any nausea invoked.  

-jc

[Wjames]

The crack in her ancient voice
repeats, echoing in the hollow
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green.
Her dents cave in, collapsing.
Crumbles gather in the cracks;  cracks seems too sharp a word a word for a rotting corpse/tree. It would be softer and mushier in my opinion.
microbes clamber through the litter.
She was once an upright bastion,
now millions crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse. 

I like how it could be both a human corpse, or a fallen tree.

It might just be me, but this poem sort of made me smile. Is this rotting really a bad thing? Now there are millions of living creatures here, it's more alive than ever!

Hell, the rotting corpse/tree is blanketed in soft green - sounds peaceful enough to me.

If this upbeat interpretation was your intention, you might want to add a few more hints to make it a little clearer. If not, it doesn't matter, because I like my interpretation of the poem.

[justcloudy]

You hit on what I was going for Wjames; I'll take your advice and incorporate more "hints" into the edit. I think the ending needs to change to get there. Thanks for your time and comments!

[Magpie]

Hi JC,

I'm enjoying reading through this poem and I agree with Wjames and his interpretation. There's a definite beauty in this poem, a beauty in rotting or death. Like when a star goes supernova and 'dies' but creates at the same time.

I wasn't going to say this but what the hell I'm saying it now. The first time I read the poem it was definitely about a tree the second time I read it I hesitated over the word trunk and the poem was about an elephant. I thought it was just me being a bit daft at first but now I'm happy to see it either way and they both work. Especially due to the fact that elephants have a matriarchal society which gives the line 'She was once an upright bastion' a certain relevance.

Sorry not much crit here, more of an observation. 

Cheers for the read,

Mark

[aschueler]

The crack in her ancient voice
repeats, echoing in the hollow
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green.
Her dents cave in, collapsing.  I think there is a verb tense issue collapsing/cave in
Crumbles gather in the cracks;
microbes clamber through the litter.  I read microbes but I see bugs & etc... Microbes microscopic 
She was once an upright bastion,
now millions crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse.

Re reading helped me, my first cursory read I thought dead elephant, which made me sad as I like elephants.  

So 2 more thoughts:  expand matriarchal theme with idea of nest/home/etc.  also, I don't think more clues are needed.

[justcloudy]

Thanks Mark and aschueler for your comments!

Edit posted; I had forgotten how much I loved this workshopping procedure. ^_^

[Cousin Kil]

edit 

The crack in her ancient voice
repeats, dully echoing in the hollow Now that the voice has a place to go/echo, I like its presence in the poem a lot more.
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green.
Her dents cave in, subsiding
into holes and heaps of mush. After reading crits, I'm caught now between the idea of her being a tree or an elephant. The indication of decomposition in "mush" makes me want to say elephant. But I don't know
Crumbles gather in the dips;
microbes clamber through the litter.
She was once an upright bastion,
proud of all whom she gave life to. And this part makes me want to say tree. This is kind of a cool idea-- a tree as the mother figure, a central source of sustenance to its biome. The only downfall is this also makes me think of Disney's Pocahontas. Maybe that's a good thing though... I guess that really relies on what you want people to conjure up in their heads when reading your piece.
Now millions, just born, crawl through Still dig this. Also I like the new addition of the previous line. It connects to this one quite well.
her splayed and broken corpse.

I like this poem a lot more now. Part of that is because I realized how wrong my initial interpretation was (after reading other crits of course). I think you've done very well in your edit. A few notes above.

Also it's still a little ambiguous to me as to which thing you're describing. And maybe thats just me, I mean my first interpretation was pretty off. Perhaps it doesn't matter what a person reads the thing to be, whether elephant or tree(?) Maybe what matters is that idea of rotting and how the mother figure still gives life to the forest even in her dying. It depends on what you want out of the poem. And we'll see if it's totally obvious to others/if I'm just daft today.

I would say maybe a few other key words like "tusk" or "skull" would point to the mother being an animal/elephant. And maybe the lack there of says that you want a tree there. So for now I'm thinking tree.

I wouldn't know where to incorporate "tusk" or "skull" into the poem anyways. I really like this nugget how it is. Some might say it's golden.

[Weeded]

edit 

The crack in her ancient voice
repeats, dully echoing in the hollow
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green.
Her dents cave in, subsiding
into holes and heaps of mush.
Crumbles gather in the dips;
microbes clamber through the litter.
She was once an upright bastion,
proud of all whom she gave life to.
Now millions, just born, crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse.


original

The crack in her ancient voice
repeats, echoing in the hollow
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green.
Her dents cave in, collapsing.
Crumbles gather in the cracks;
microbes clamber through the litter.
She was once an upright bastion,
now millions crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse.

I like this poem alot. The first line initially led me to believe the corpse belonged to a person that had been decomposing for centuries. the rest of the poem gives off a definite image that it is actually a tree. So the "crack in her ancient voice" brings a sort of mysticism I think would be hard to match, which in turn creates this amazing sort of aura when imagining this piece come to life. Not sure if it needs it, but I wonder what adding to this 'voice' would do for the piece. Thanks for the read,
mike

[justcloudy]

Cousin-- I actually really liked the idea you brought with your initial interpretation. "Trunk" is a cool word. One way or another I want the reader to bring his/her own ideas to anything I write-- I strive for ambiguity within reason. Meaning "she" can be whoever you want: crone, elephant, tree... they're all matriarchs at the end of the day. Thanks for your thoughts on the edit, and for the encouragement!

Weeded-- I appreciate your thoughts, thanks for commenting!

-jc

[kolemath]

Greetings and thanks for sharing this (ode?) I like it!

[quote='justcloudy' pid='210942' dateline='1463694242']
edit 

The crack in her ancient voice so crack was edited out of the middle, so should it be here? i like the word (and the sound)
repeats, dully echoing in the hollow
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green.
Her dents cave in, subsiding a more vivid word than 'subsiding' ? the abstraction feels out of place among so many strong images
into holes and heaps of mush. great line/sound
Crumbles gather in the dips; again, vivid, well written
microbes clamber through the litter. sound! yes!
She was once an upright bastion, 
proud of all whom she gave life to. i realize the direct object relative pronoun is grammatical, but necessary? (we can always delete 'whom')
Now millions, just born, crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse. again, broken=crack in sound and meaning; are you abandoning these sounds? if she falls, then maybe she cracks the trees around her? then the millions can spring forth?

Thanks, JC!

[71degrees]

edit 

The crack in her ancient voice
repeats, dully echoing in the hollow
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green.
Her dents cave in, subsiding
into holes and heaps of mush.
Crumbles gather in the dips;
microbes clamber through the litter.
She was once an upright bastion,
proud of all whom she gave life to.
Now millions, just born, crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse.


original

The crack in her ancient voice
repeats, echoing in the hollow
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green.
Her dents cave in, collapsing.
Crumbles gather in the cracks;
microbes clamber through the litter.
She was once an upright bastion,
now millions crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse.

Recently had to take down our backyard elm tree. It was almost traumatic. And while I'm pretty sure you're not writing about my tree, I gotta' tell ya' it took me there.

Not much to say as far as suggestions. I do like the edited version over the original. Still room for more cuts (e.g. "in" / "collapsing" already indicates the direction) if you want to tighten it even more. Another: "ancient" is answered later in the poem by "bastion" so not sure it's necessary.

[justcloudy]

Interesting points Kole, thank you, I'll consider them! I like the deletion of "whom", thanks for that especially.

Thanks for the encouragement and comments 71. Euthanizing trees IS traumatic in my experience. So sad to see something so proud get cut down in such a inhumane (if you'll allow me that) way.

-jc

[Sparkydashforth]

Like this. It gets down into the microbial simmering of life and death.

edit 

The crack in her ancient voice
repeats, dully echoing in the hollow
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green...............Her cracked voice repeats what exactly?
Her dents cave in, subsiding
into holes and heaps of mush.
Crumbles gather in the dips;
microbes clamber through the litter................slushy, grubby and real.
She was once an upright bastion,
proud of all whom she gave life to.
Now millions, just born, crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse....................Love these last lines.


original

The crack in her ancient voice
repeats, echoing in the hollow
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green.
Her dents cave in, collapsing.
Crumbles gather in the cracks;
microbes clamber through the litter.
She was once an upright bastion,
now millions crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse.

[Keith]

Hi justcloudy
I think your edit enhances a poem I had already enjoyed the expansion of the upright bastion brings in a sense of pride and nurtured softness that I think the original lacked, I also like the opening as it drew me in instantly. I have put some comments below where I think further improvements could be made.
Thanks Keith

edit 

The crack in her ancient voice
repeats, dully echoing in the hollow a dull echo ? I tripped a little on dully echoing and the ing stops the sonics in the line from occurring ie echo hollow
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green.
Her dents cave in, subsiding great images
into holes and heaps of mush. heaps of mush implies wet to me and it seems out of place against subsidy and crumble
Crumbles gather in the dips;
microbes clamber through the litter. I have trouble liking microbes it sounds like it comes from a lab and doesn't work with the other very natural images
She was once an upright bastion,
proud of all whom she gave life to. really like this addition it gives depth and a sense of a something beyond being a tree
Now millions, just born, crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse. Corpse seems too blunt, I know that the just born's are feeding off her but even in death she is still providing shelter and food Corpse is shocking and I guess that's what you are going for but it just seems to me there is more to her.


original

The crack in her ancient voice
repeats, echoing in the hollow
of her trunk, blanketed in soft green.
Her dents cave in, collapsing.
Crumbles gather in the cracks;
microbes clamber through the litter.
She was once an upright bastion,
now millions crawl through
her splayed and broken corpse.