Brass

[Cousin Kil]

BRASS

He was thirty three but feeling one hundred
in this room, there was no room
besides for making bullets

Overhead hung three hundred points
of antler dead almighties watching
him and how he was thinking

He must of stubbed ten thousand plus
cigs into the arm of that dumpy walnut chair,
dumb hands all-knowing

He must of handled one hundred thousand casings
on that press, and smoking snouts was dumb to do
around all that gunpowder

But after awhile, he quit caring;

He liked his tobacco,
His fingers felt like brass

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Edit No. 1


BRASS

He was thirty three but feeling one hundred.
In this room, there was no room
besides for making bullets.

Overhead hung three hundred points
of antler dead almighties watching
him and how he was thinking;

He must have stubbed ten thousand plus
cigs into the arm of that dumpy walnut chair,
dumb hands all-knowing.

He must have handled one hundred thousand casings
on that press, and smoking snouts was dumb to do
around all that gunpowder.

But after a while, he quit caring:

He liked his tobacco.
His fingers felt like brass.

[Wjames]

BRASS

He was thirty three but feeling one hundred
in this room, there was no room I like the word play, but it's a little awkward to read - I think you might want to add a comma or period at the end of the first line.
besides for making bullets

Overhead hung three hundred points
of antler dead almighties watching
him and how he was thinking I think "antler dead almighties" is a little too much, the image/thought is nice enough for me to prefer it more plainly stated.

He must of stubbed ten thousand plus
cigs into the arm of that dumpy walnut chair,
dumb hands all-knowing 

He must of handled one hundred thousand casings
on that press, and smoking snouts was dumb to do I've never heard "snouts" used for cigarettes before. Do you need "to do"?
around all that gunpowder

But after awhile, he quit caring;

He liked his tobacco,
His fingers felt like brass I like the ending. 

An interesting character study - I enjoyed it.

[RiverNotch]

I like this, though I can't be sure if I'll still like this a month from now -- something about the middle section feels a bit scattered, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Slightly bothered by the lack of full stops, since their existence would definitely make this poem punchier, especially with the last stanza.
BRASS

He was thirty three but feeling one hundred
in this room, there was no room Comma doesn't feel right -- doesn't give the pictures of the two rooms enough space. Should be em dash -- not even a semicolon would do!
besides for making bullets A full stop would make this punchier, I think.

Overhead hung three hundred points
of antler dead almighties watching I'm thinking "of antlers, dead almighties", but even though that would be more correct, "antler dead almighties" is a very strong thought for me -- maybe a bit too strong, especially since that style of thought-mongering doesn't appear anywhere else here.
him and how he was thinking Sonically, a strong line, especially with the play of "h's", "ng's" and "a's". 

He must of stubbed ten thousand plus "must have".
cigs into the arm of that dumpy walnut chair,
dumb hands all-knowing The interplay between "almighties" in the last stanza and "all-knowing" here feels inappropriate, unless you really wanna get into that cosmic (for me right now, demiurge vs gnosis sort of shindig) discussion, in which case this needs a big rewrite.

He must of handled one hundred thousand casings "must have". The hyperbole of the numbers here is a bit bothersome, but with the omnes, I get why they're there -- and they sound very good too, with the "ten" being sharp, the "hundred thousand" having corresponding consonants to all the befores. Still, though I see the progression, something less than exponential for the sake of, well, realism, would be better appreciated, I think.
on that press, and smoking snouts was dumb to do Yeah, snouts sounds a bit wrong -- an unnatural wording for the sake of, here, very obvious sonics. "cigs" would be the dependable choice, but for a poem this sparse....hmmm......But I do think that even though "to do" makes this line a bit too long, its rhythmic push still makes it a keeper.
around all that gunpowder 

But after awhile, he quit caring; Regardless of your lack of proper punctuation, this should be a colon. And "a while" is different from "awhile" -- awhile generally means a fairly short period of time, while a while means an undefined one, and judging by your separation of the strophe here, I'm guessing you meant the latter.

He liked his tobacco, This and the line about the gunpowder are very delicious -- the interjection of these two objects right where they are feels just perfect.
His fingers felt like brass Again, this is where you'd really benefit on using full stops -- the comma makes the two lines' images flow into each other too smoothly, robbing a bit of the power from the very strong image at the end. 

[Erthona]

This is a nice characterization, if a somewhat repulsive one. Needs punctuation, just because it is poetry, doesn't mean on can do without it.

Beginning two side by side section with "He must of" doesn't really help the cause, especially as the piece seems more prose, in the manner of a "hard boiled dick novel", than poetry.

dale

[Cousin Kil]

Thanks all for the input!

I didn't think I had gotten any responses on this piece so it was a pleasant surprise to hop on the pen and find 4

The resounding theme seems to be to adjust punctuation so I've done so, though I'm unsure if I'm happy where it is. Would appreciate more input

Hopefully the punctuation also flushes out the parts where it was a bit awkward to read in the piece, like "in this room" and such.

In regard to the progression of numbers throughout the poem (a note was made about "one hundred thousand"), I'm at a loss on how to make the progression of numbers feel less arbitrary, even when the choice itself is not an arbitrary one.

All in all, glad you all more or less enjoyed the piece

Thanks,
Kil

[Mattp]

CK - so, on the whole I liked this but there are, as there always are, problematic sections.

Your repetition of "room" - I get what you're going for here but I don't think you've pulled it off. It just sounds awkward. I suggest a synonym.

You've introduced this notion of "antler dead almighties" seeing what the speaker is thinking. This is cool. But because this idea is irregular it begs explanation, and explain you haven't.

S4 - sure, makes sense.

I think your last stanza is the strongest. Was this the inception of the poem? It's inventive and succinct. Makes the poem. Thanks for the read,

- Matt

[Cousin Kil]

Thanks Matt for the read and critique

The "room" line is proving problematic for readers... I'll have to think on this one. Maybe "There was no space in this room" would work better. I'm not totally happy with that though.

"Antler dead almighties" was the idea of these taxidermized buck heads that adorn the walls of my character's hunt shack (or whatever you'd like to call the room). The idea was to express the omnipresent in a scene where the character himself is feeling more and more like God as he manipulates and creates the means to take away life. I wanted to point the idea of this godliness, or faux godliness-- the all-knowing of what he is capable of, the almighties that adorn his walls as evidence to his omnipotence as this manufacturer of death. I wanted the building of his ego as man to be explained by his surroundings and circumstance. Also, the line for me just lays in nicely in terms of rhythm and sonics. But if that description of the taxidermy in the room is too around-the-bend or obscure or unclear, I suppose I'll have to find a way to rewrite them.

Finally, thanks for appreciating the last stanza, it's the one I'm proudest of. The lines were not the inception of the poem-- they just fell in place when I started writing.

Also, I wrote this reply at something like 4:00 in the morning. If my wording is hazy, chalk it up to lack of sleep (this lack of sleep is due to the addictive intoxication of multi-tasking)

Thanks for reading,
Cousin

[Unknown]

I like the way you present the character by describing his actions instead of what he actually looks like. One thing I might add is that you lack punctuation marks in some places where it needs to be, like at the end of each section. Also, the middle section seems a bit out of place, with the references to his smoking habits seeming out of nowhere. Overall it is a good poem.

[Lizzie]

Hi! I love that the cadence of your character's speech shows through in your use of 'must of,' 'cigs,' and 'smoking snouts.' This goes such a long way toward establishing your imagery. Please don't ever change it!

Have you thought about adding a line or two to flesh him out a bit more? He would certainly know his weaponry -- he'd be able to speak to what kind of round and what caliber gun brought down each set of antlers. What caliber is he currently reloading? What's his favorite weapon? I ask because of the omnipotence you're trying to project -- someone who loves to kill for the power it affords would love to tell you every detail about their hunts. He'd probably have the bullet that took down the biggest elk (or whatever) framed next to it or mounted in between its bared teeth.

And, I like the 'antler deer almighties.' If he's able to take down such a beast that makes him seem even more powerful.

I like that you're doing something different and experimenting with new voices that might not seem "poetic." Thanks for the read!

[Cousin Kil]

Hi! I love that the cadence of your character's speech shows through in your use of 'must of,' 'cigs,' and 'smoking snouts.' This goes such a long way toward establishing your imagery. Please don't ever change it!

Have you thought about adding a line or two to flesh him out a bit more? He would certainly know his weaponry -- he'd be able to speak to what kind of round and what caliber gun brought down each set of antlers. What caliber is he currently reloading? What's his favorite weapon? I ask because of the omnipotence you're trying to project -- someone who loves to kill for the power it affords would love to tell you every detail about their hunts. He'd probably have the bullet that took down the biggest elk (or whatever) framed next to it or mounted in between its bared teeth.

And, I like the 'antler deer almighties.' If he's able to take down such a beast that makes him seem even more powerful.

I like that you're doing something different and experimenting with new voices that might not seem "poetic." Thanks for the read!

Hey Lizzie!

Hmmm, I hadn't thought of making the edition of a stanza but that would make sense. Those very finite details of caliber and gun would add more legitimacy to the voice/scene and flesh out the idea more. I'll have to think on how to approach this though-- this poem came out all in one very quick and furious writing session, so I'll have to fit on the shoes I was in again to get back into its mood/rhythm/cadence/what have you. You catch my drift. I appreciate the idea.

I've also recently been considering rewriting this scene into a flash story. I've been doing a lot of those lately and submitting to mags and this idea might be a perfect candidate. Who knows what the future holds for Brass haha.

Also thanks so much for appreciating the voice, it's nice to find people who like it as much as I do. I get a little worried sometimes that my language becomes to obsessed with obscurity (a guilty pleasure) and while I do firmly believe I'm writing the way I am because that is my voice/the realest voice of my character or scene, it is just so nice to be re-assured by a total stranger that the language does in fact work, even if it's just working for you and no other reader. That means at least two people like the poem- me and you- so thank you for that. And thanks for liking something as weird as "antler dead almighties" haha, I like it too.

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I like the way you present the character by describing his actions instead of what he actually looks like. One thing I might add is that you lack punctuation marks in some places where it needs to be, like at the end of each section. Also, the middle section seems a bit out of place, with the references to his smoking habits seeming out of nowhere. Overall it is a good poem.

Hey!

I'll have to think on punctuation still, whether to totally eliminate or correct it.

The smoking habits are what he is thinking of in the moment of the scene-- he's thinking about how long he's smoked in this chair and made bullets-- but the smoking is also there to outline how "god-like" he's come to feel in his years as he's been making these bullets. He takes the risk of smoking around the gunpowder because to him he's not in danger, he feels like a god in it. Immortal.

Thanks for the crit!

Cuz

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I really like this. I think you should be consistent in your punctuation, that is either have it or don't. Personally I like the rush of language that comes without it. 'Must of' would normally be 'must have' unless it's a dialect vernacular thing is it? Likewise the word 'besides' used where it is? The end is very well achieved. I think this is a well focused piece. Title change?

Hey Hallaig

Forgot to respond to the title change portion of this crit.

I'm quite fond of the title, personally. Not only does it describe the brass casings, but the brass is also a symbol of his identity as a god, or rather false identity. He's been handling the bullets for so long that his fingers start to feel like the metal. And this metal feeling that comes into him gives him the sense of security and immortality that comes to define him to us. But brass is a soft metal, easily malleable. The title as of now shows the contradiction of his character/the scene-- he feels he's unstoppable by feeling like this but this is a false sense of security. He is like any other man, easily bent.

That's how I read the title and why I chose it. That being said, always open to suggestions.

Thanks for the crit, I really appreciate it!

Cuz