Love Poem

[heslopian]

Laid out on the master bed,
like a sons of Andronicus,
cooked and filleted
and bare, a supple pastry, prepared
all for me - and I salivate on you
like a selfish old king,
keeping the peasants at the gate
as I gorge - I soak you in a
fine layer of spit. I tweak your nipples

and you whimper like mice,
shivering as I bury
my head in your crotch,
and I show this penthouse
just how much I love you,
as I reach your prostate;
you bite my finger.

Just then, some stupid football fan
burst into our corridor,
screaming rhetoric in support
of his team, his overpaid idols,
and for a moment I considered,
in all seriousness, seizing
the silver tray on which
our room service was brought,
and beating the bastard to death.
Only for a moment, mind.
Your sphincter closed
and left me trapped,
I kissed your neck, rubbed your
shoulders, my shirt still on
and my trousers around
my ankles. And together
we waited for the noise
to die out.

[billy]

for me, like the sphincter; it needs tightening up.
like one of the sons too wordy (like a son of Andronicus)


cooked and filleted
and bare, a supple pastry, prepared
all for me - and I salivate on you
like a selfish old king,
keeping the peasants at the gate
as I gorge - I soak you in a
fine layer of spit. this part is really well written

I tweak your nipples this read like something from bob the builder.

and you whimper like mice,
shivering as I bury shouldn't that be like a mouse?
my head in your crotch,
and I show this penthouse
just how much I love you,
as I reach your prostate
and you bite my finger. is and needed?

no comment on the last stanza.

first off it feels a little cold. the first and 2nd verse have something in them, a passion maybe but the last verse seems to be used more as a lead in to let us know the trousers were still round the ankles.
a narrative poem that for me, needs a heavy edit on the last verse.

if you could get it as good as the first two you'd have a winning write. jmo.

i didn't mention. that the first two verse were full of really good lines. sorry.

[heslopian]

Thanks so much for the feedback, Billy This is one of my older poems, written whilst I was watching a Lara Croft movie. It was based on a fantasy I once had, and was composed back when I was writing a lot about sex and masturbation.
I agree that it can be too wordy at times; since then I've tried simplifying my style, which hasn't been an easy task; rambling comes naturally to me, as I'm sure you've guessed by now I'll do an edit in a mo with your revised lines, and give the last stanza a makeover when I have more time.
I don't remember hearing "tweak your nipples" in Bob the Builder, though... Do you mean that the line was cheesy?
Thanks again for the feedback and kind words

[billy]

Thanks so much for the feedback, Billy This is one of my older poems, written whilst I was watching a Lara Croft movie. It was based on a fantasy I once had, and was composed back when I was writing a lot about sex and masturbation.
I agree that it can be too wordy at times; since then I've tried simplifying my style, which hasn't been an easy task; rambling comes naturally to me, as I'm sure you've guessed by now I'll do an edit in a mo with your revised lines, and give the last stanza a makeover when I have more time.
I don't remember hearing "tweak your nipples" in Bob the Builder, though... Do you mean that the line was cheesy?
Thanks again for the feedback and kind words

i meant it was out of character for the piece. while i found most of it to be mature that part just felt like it should be in another poem of less substance.
of course thats jmo.

the good thing about putting poems into drawers is that when we take them out we can often spot what needs doing fairly easily. it's why i don't think a poem should ever be discarded.

[heslopian]

i meant it was out of character for the piece. while i found most of it to be mature that part just felt like it should be in another poem of less substance.
of course thats jmo.

the good thing about putting poems into drawers is that when we take them out we can often spot what needs doing fairly easily. it's why i don't think a poem should ever be discarded.

haha Yeah I'm sure that line has appeared before in a thousand shitty Mills & Boon novels now you mention it

[addy]

Really excellent storytelling here. The weakest spot is probably the last stanza (if you could even call it "weak")... for me the final lines were ace, and it just took a little too long getting there.

[Todd]

This is a very unboring love poem (which is so incredibly hard to pull off). For me Jack (and it may only be me) here's where the poem starts:
I salivate on you
like a selfish old king,
keeping the peasants at the gate
as I gorge - I soak you in a
fine layer of spit. I tweak your nipples

That king image is wonderful it feels like a shakespearean tragic king. It is decadent and unexpected. You are far better at puncuation than I will probably ever be but that said I would consider going ...spit, tweak your nipples," I think the "I" feels awkward could just be me. I want the pace to move a little quicker there.
and you whimper like mice,--love this
shivering as I bury
my head in your crotch,--image to graphic works for me.

and I show this penthouse
just how much I love you,--if you are going to move to the prostate line I would rather see you lead with an image here like you did earlier.
as I reach your prostate;
you bite my finger.

Just then, some stupid football fan
burst into our corridor,
screaming rhetoric in support
of his team, his overpaid idols,--I think you could cut "of his team" and for a moment I considered,
in all seriousness, seizing--I think you could cut "in all seriousness" the silver tray on which
our room service was brought,
and beating the bastard to death.
Only for a moment, mind.
Your sphincter closed
and left me trapped,
I kissed your neck, rubbed your
shoulders, my shirt still on
and my trousers around
my ankles. And together
we waited for the noise
to die out.--great final two lines

I think this is solid work what I think that would help as you consider rewrite is make sure to emphasive the king imagery and the decadence so that when you get to the football fan and change the speech up it pops. You can slide back into the language (great pun there Todd ) and close with those wonderful last lines.

I liked this. I thought it was very good and should polish up nicely. I wish all of my old work looked this good.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Really excellent storytelling here. The weakest spot is probably the last stanza (if you could even call it "weak")... for me the final lines were ace, and it just took a little too long getting there.

Thanks for the feedback and kind words, addy I think I really see what you mean. This is why I have trouble with prose. Everything is too elongated.

---

Thank you Todd for taking the ime to analyse this piece and help tighten it up. I agree that it needs to be more succinct, and I like how you focus on the king imagery in your revised version. One bit I didn't quite understand: "image to graphic works for me." Are you saying that the line is too graphic to work for you, or that the excess does work for you? When I have more time and less books to read for my course, I'll sit down with this poem and your response and start polishing. Thanks again; you've been a tremendous help

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

What I was trying to say was that the graphic works for me when you pair it with an image (mice/crotch). I think that's what makes it work.

Todd

[heslopian]

Hi Jack,

What I was trying to say was that the graphic works for me when you pair it with an image (mice/crotch). I think that's what makes it work.

Todd

Ah I see, thanks for explaining Todd