Anomaly
#1
Anomaly (edit 3)

--for teachers

We are bringing the new tests online:
Beside our launching pad, with millions of sticky notes,
someone is always embarrassed working under a school bus.
Welding through a mask.  It's dangerous to breathe
every idea near a fuse.  A shower of standards

rockets from Germany to London.

Born under hydrogen bagpipes and liquid sparks
Working right up to the bell, up to when the greenbacks fail.
There once were doctors on the Aegean
Who swam where the poets swam.
When they invented trains, no one sat in the back,

not even a band of robbers. The new standard will add
extra charts for every experiment and testing stra--
Excuse the interruption, 
project V2 has just called shotgun.

You get the camera.  Take attendance.
Take us out.

Pour out the lead, kick on the pump.
And if the weeds tumble out, imagine rain pouring down.
Your data wasn't political enough, and we
have more experiments.  Don't throw up.

Don't draw.  Don't hate the laws
which hate oxy acetylene, the laws which monitor
lead, defy the law of gravity, we don't understand
the laws which hate us, chalk, faces, hands.
Fifty miles up.

Did you get the email?  Make the copies.  Walk.
earn, pay, throw
the kitchen sink and every spotted
embarrassing nocturnal music note.  Microscopes
pile up to test the roof.  You got the V2, me too, double down.
that's the speed of money.  No 2.  That's the sound, 
time to go.
Make it rain, don't talk.

A.  In chairs.  In charity.  In units
B.  Inches squared.  Ink.
C.  Errors.  incarcerated.  in charge.  In chiba.
D.  In character.  Incredible.  Intensive care.

You can't hear it coming.
a star zig-zagging from the sky
we were reading faster
than the speed of sound, and we were
deafened by the welders, even headphones caught fire.  We
learned everything while finding people
under books
on the floor.



_________________________________________________________

Anomaly (original)

Beside the school,
someone is always working under the bus.
Welding through a mask.  It's dangerous to breathe
every idea near a fuse.  A shower of standards.

Born under bagpipes and wet sparks
Working right up to the bell, up to when the dollars fail.
There once were doctors on the Aegean
Who swam where the poets swam.
No one sat in the back, not even the band.
The new standard will add extra vinegar for every experiment.
Excuse the interruption, 
project V2 will be given the best seat on the bus.

You get the camera.  Take the shot.
Take us out.

Get the lead out.
And if the weeds tumble out, imagine rain pouring down.
The grapes were far too sour, and we
have more experiments.  Don't throw up.

Don't draw.  Don't hate the laws
which hate oxy acetylene, the laws which monitor
lead, defy the law of gravity, we don't understand
the laws which hate us, chalk, faces, hands.
Fifty miles up.

Did you get the email.  Make the copies.  Walk.
earn, pay, throw
the kitchen sink and every spotted
embarrassing nocturnal music note.
Test the roof with V2, me too, double down.
that's the speed of money.  No 2.  That's the sound, 
time to go.
Push the green, don't talk.

In chairs.  In charity.  In units
Inches squared.  Ink.
Errors.  incarcerated.  in charge.  In chiba.
In character.  Incredible.  Intensive care.

You can't hear it coming.
a star zig-zagging from the sky
we were reading faster
than the speed of sound, and we were
deafened by the welders, even tickets caught fire.  We
learned everything while finding people
under books
on the floor.
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#2
Hi Under

I've read this several times and can't make sense of it. I can detect certain themes: probably a go at OHS, bureaucracy, whatnot, and in the end the world ending by meteorite. But the individual ideas are too disconnected and vague for my liking.
maybe its just me and maybe there's a great story hiding here, waiting for the reader to find it, but the payoff doesn't seem to be worth it.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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#3
Giving this a few edits, keeping it crazy but eliminating some of the more stray metapohors, plus adding a hook at the start to make the topic more explicit.  The "star zig-zagging from the sky" is almost a direct quote taken from an account of the V2 falling on London from an altitude of fifty miles - they fly faster than the speed of sound, and you can't hear them coming.  I wanted to keep this crazy, lots of up and down, as my emotional level has been pushed to many sleepless nights due to the bureaucratic explosion and lack of discipline within public education these last ten years.  Thanks Achebe.
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#4
Hello under, It's best to repost your edit above the original so that folks can find it and then compare. Change your title to 'Anomaly (edit 1)' or something like it to indicate that it is a new version. I read your original several times, but I could not really grasp your theme. Nonetheless, I did enjoy your phrasing, images and wordplay. If your project V2 is fictional, you may want to change it unless you are really referring to a Venturi-based vacuum press. I'll have another go at your edit in a bit. Good Luck.  Thumbsup /Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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#5
(05-13-2016, 11:57 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Hello under, It's best to repost your edit above the original so that folks can find it and then compare. Change your title to 'Anomaly (edit 1)' or something like it to indicate that it is a new version. I read your original several times, but I could not really grasp your theme. Nonetheless, I did enjoy your phrasing, images and wordplay. If your project V2 is fictional, you may want to change it unless you are really referring to a Venturi-based vacuum press. I'll have another go at your edit in a bit. Good Luck.  Thumbsup /Chris

Thanks Chris,

Shall I just edit the original to add the edited version then?
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#6
(05-14-2016, 12:13 AM)underthewronghat Wrote:  
(05-13-2016, 11:57 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Hello under, It's best to repost your edit above the original so that folks can find it and then compare. Change your title to 'Anomaly (edit 1)' or something like it to indicate that it is a new version. I read your original several times, but I could not really grasp your theme. Nonetheless, I did enjoy your phrasing, images and wordplay. If your project V2 is fictional, you may want to change it unless you are really referring to a Venturi-based vacuum press. I'll have another go at your edit in a bit. Good Luck.  Thumbsup /Chris

Thanks Chris,

Shall I just edit the original to add the edited version then?

Yes, that's perfect!
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
Reply
#7
(05-14-2016, 12:18 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  
(05-14-2016, 12:13 AM)underthewronghat Wrote:  
(05-13-2016, 11:57 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Hello under, It's best to repost your edit above the original so that folks can find it and then compare. Change your title to 'Anomaly (edit 1)' or something like it to indicate that it is a new version. I read your original several times, but I could not really grasp your theme. Nonetheless, I did enjoy your phrasing, images and wordplay. If your project V2 is fictional, you may want to change it unless you are really referring to a Venturi-based vacuum press. I'll have another go at your edit in a bit. Good Luck.  Thumbsup /Chris

Thanks Chris,

Shall I just edit the original to add the edited version then?

Yes, that's perfect!

Thanks again.  The V2 references are taken directly from accounts of the V2 rockets falling on London in World War II.  Might need a better hook for that piece of history.
Signatures are for schmucks --oh wait, Dang!
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#8
(05-14-2016, 12:31 AM)underthewronghat Wrote:  
(05-14-2016, 12:18 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  
(05-14-2016, 12:13 AM)underthewronghat Wrote:  Thanks Chris,

Shall I just edit the original to add the edited version then?

Yes, that's perfect!

Thanks again.  The V2 references are taken directly from accounts of the V2 rockets falling on London in World War II.  Might need a better hook for that piece of history.

I see, that is critical to the poem. I did a quick search and found out that the V2 rocket was the product of the A4 project. Would it be too much to use: 'A V2 rocket has just called shotgun.' That may clear things up and provide a reference for the entire poem.

See what you think.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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