I thought I had it (the Interview)

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Splendid lines envisaged, the pieces fit. 
Then like DNA they twist a double helix. 
A haberdashery with this and that to see, 
but noting to fix the bits, they no longer fit. 

The lines billow, then fall miscellaneously. 
The shapes once so familiar now cause mishaps, 
each unhinged curve a trip or trap. 
Nervous-endings spark then end continuously. 

A dazzled gazelle puffs its fur and growls, 
the lions lick their lips and prowl. 
They're on to me! 
I thought I had it. 

[tectak]

Splendid lines envisaged, the pieces fit. 
Then like DNA they twist a double helix. 
A haberdashery with this and that to see, 
but noting to fix the bits, they no longer fit. 

The lines billow, then fall miscellaneously. 
The shapes once so familial now form mishaps, 
each unhinged curve a trip or trap. 
Nervous-endings spark then end continuously. 

A dazzled gazelle puffs its fur and growls, 
the lions lick the lips and prowl. 
Their on to me! 
I thought I had it. 

Hi,
before the crits have a great time with this could I ask you to check out your word play. Start with "familial" then jump to "their". These are very basic points.
Best,
tectak

[Jae Mc Donnell]

[quote='Jae Mc Donnell' pid='210433' dateline='1462641661']


Hi,
before the crits have a great time with this could I ask you to check out your word play. Start with "familial" then jump to "their". These are very basic points.
Best,
tectak

Thanks pal. My bad.

[tectak]

[quote='Jae Mc Donnell' pid='210433' dateline='1462641661']


Hi,
before the crits have a great time with this could I ask you to check out your word play. Start with "familial" then jump to "their". These are very basic points.
Best,
tectak

Thanks pal. My bad.

Good egg,
tectak

[underthewronghat]

Splendid lines envisaged, the pieces fit. 
Then like DNA they twist a double helix. 
A haberdashery with this and that to see, 
but noting to fix the bits, they no longer fit. 

The lines billow, then fall miscellaneously. 
The shapes once so familiar now cause mishaps, 
each unhinged curve a trip or trap. 
Nervous-endings spark then end continuously. 

A dazzled gazelle puffs its fur and growls, 
the lions lick the lips and prowl. 
They're on to me! 
I thought I had it. 

JM

First off, I don't think you need to leave a blank about what "The lines" refers to --a poem or an actual song with music?  If so, then this would refer to a few lines in the speaker's head, but then when trying to get them down, they don't jell or come off so well as they seemed at moment of inspiration --yes?  If it's just a poem about writing, then probably it doesn't need to pushed into a more coded mode.  A poem about your divorce --well, maybe you want to keep it all in metaphor.

One note I want to make here is how important the articles become in poetry.  "The" lines, or "a" stanza, or "an" ode.  In poetry, "The" becomes much more authoritative, and changes the tone drastically.  "A dazzled gazelle puffs its fur and growls," becomes a flashing image of emotion, but "the lions lick the lips and prowl," sounds like the lions are licking a separate pair of lips, and that the image of these lips is the whole point of the poem.  This also happens because there is an initial uncertain image, "A dazzled gazelle" (great musical compression, btw, that's what Plath does so well), but then the tone escalates into a more authoritative (and predatory) image, "the lions lick the lips."  Now if "the lips" had been a recurring image earlier in the poem, and the lions are changing our view of the image, then "the lips" would be spot on, and we'd hear it.  In this respect, I almost want to say that images themselves often have a rhythm, not really a meter, but a tidal rise and ebb in the stanzas.  It's odd to start low, and then suddenly overflow.  

As such, the first line of the poem starts high with authority, "the pieces fit," and sounds fine. However, because "bits" seems uncertain, it's sounds odd to say, "THE bits," and we become less certain of the poem's center, or where it's going.  Now I love good twists and turns, so when you get to the gazelle, I hear the compression, I know something's coming -that's great set up.  If you want to keep the lions (I probably would), I'd work on establishing a different image with "the lips" earlier in the poem.

Now gaining some potential with the lions and gazelles, I wouldn't stop the roller coaster so soon.  You're just starting to bring us on a ride here, down the hill, picking up speed.  It makes us feel cheated to ride "the lions" and "the lips" only to have it tossed out at the end, with a more tongue-in-cheek off-handed ending.  If they are "the lions," and "the lions" end up defeating the speaker's perfect poem, then give us more struggle there, rather than earlier.  Give us the rhythm of it, you've got some good tension there, don't cop out.

All in all, cheers for writing (yet another) poem about writing poems, but finding some excellent diction, and having fun with it.

[Tracy Mitchell]

For a time I was impatient with poems about poems and about poem writing.  Then I concluded that writers of poems spend time and effort thinking about poems and poem writing and chances increase they might have something interesting to say on the subject.  That’s certainly true with this piece.

Here I think the results are engaging, if a bit erratic.  I was surprised at the use of haberdashery and the adverbification of the word miscellaneous.  I was also surprised at the growling of the gazelle - I didn’t know they did that, and would have continued to not know that if I hadn’t read this poem.  It is in poems that gazelles can growl and authors can posit new words and new word forms.  The only strict proviso with these liberties, however, is that they must be in service to the poem itself.  

Here, I am not so convinced that is the case.  In my view the poem would be advanced by more continuity, perhaps metaphors carrying a longer distance in the poem.  The first stanza suggests fitting or not of the pieces.  Stanza two suggests pitfalls and pratfalls.  Stanza three suggests the author is being hunted down.  Maybe refining, extending, or blending the metaphors and images would be appropriate.  The poem seems to be pointed the right direction, and certainly held my interest.

JMHO.

T

[Jae Mc Donnell]

JM

First off, I don't think you need to leave a blank about what "The lines" refers to --a poem or an actual song with music?  If so, then this would refer to a few lines in the speaker's head, but then when trying to get them down, they don't jell or come off so well as they seemed at moment of inspiration --yes?  If it's just a poem about writing, then it doesn't need to pushed into a more coded mode.  A poem about your divorce --well, maybe you want to keep it all in metaphor.

One note I want to make here is how important the articles become in poetry.  "The" lines, or "a" stanza, or "an" ode.  In poetry, "The" becomes much more authoritative, and changes the tone drastically.  "A dazzled gazelle puffs its fur and growls," becomes a flashing image of emotion, but "the lions lick the lips and prowl," sounds like the lions are licking a separate pair of lips, and that the image of these lips is the whole point of the poem.  This also happens because there is an initial uncertain image, "A dazzled gazelle" (great musical compression, btw, that's what Plath does so well), but then the tone escalates into a more authoritative (and predatory) image, "the lions lick the lips."  Now if "the lips" had been a recurring image earlier in the poem, and the lions are changing our view of the image, then "the lips" would be spot on, and we'd hear it.  In this respect, I almost want to say that images themselves often have a rhythm, not really a meter, but a tidal rise and ebb in the stanzas.  It's odd to start low, and then suddenly overflow.  As such, the first line starts high, and sounds fine. However, because "bits" seems uncertain, it's sounds odd to say, "THE bits," and we become less certain of the poem's center, or where it's going.  Now I love good twists and turns, so when you get to the gazelle, I hear the compression, I know something's coming -that's great set up.  If you want to keep the lions (I probably would), I'd work on establishing a different image with "the lips" in earlier in the poem.

Now with a good ride off the lions and gazelles, I wouldn't stop the roller coaster so soon.  You're just starting to bring us on a ride here, down the hill, picking up speed.  It makes us feel cheated to ride "the lions" and "the lips" only to have it tossed out at the end, with a more tongue-in-cheek off-handed ending.  If they are "the lions," and "the lions" end up defeating the speaker's perfect poem, then give us more struggle there, rather than earlier.  Give us the rhythm of it, you've got some good tension there, don't cop out.

All in all, cheers for writing (yet another) poem about writing poems, but finding some excellent diction, and having fun with it.

Hello underthewronghat, thanks for taking the time to first read and then also leave feedback. The poem wasn't about writing, I see where you got that from. However, it was very intentional I put (the interview) in the title. I knew the poem was very metaphor heavy so decided to use the title to give the reader direction. It was about a person going into an interview feel they where well prepared but having it all fall apart quickly. The last stanza was about the interviewee realising the ruse was up. 

As for the "the lips" part, this was a typo. 

Thanks again for the feedback.

---

For a time I was impatient with poems about poems and about poem writing.  Then I concluded that writers of poems spend time and effort thinking about poems and poem writing and chances increase they might have something interesting to say on the subject.  That’s certainly true with this piece.

Here I think the results are engaging, if a bit erratic.  I was surprised at the use of haberdashery and the adverbification of the word miscellaneous.  I was also surprised at the growling of the gazelle - I didn’t know they did that, and would have continued to not know that if I hadn’t read this poem.  It is in poems that gazelles can growl and authors can posit new words and new word forms.  The only strict proviso with these liberties, however, is that they must be in service to the poem itself.  

Here, I am not so convinced that is the case.  In my view the poem would be advanced by more continuity, perhaps metaphors carrying a longer distance in the poem.  The first stanza suggests fitting or not of the pieces.  Stanza two suggests pitfalls and pratfalls.  Stanza three suggests the author is being hunted down.  Maybe refining, extending, or blending the metaphors and images would be appropriate.  The poem seems to be pointed the right direction, and certainly held my interest.

JMHO.

T

How's it going Teagan, thanks for taking the time to leave feed back.
The poem was actually about and interview falling apart in a hurry. I did hint to this in the title but am starting to feel it might have been too vague. I left it short in the hopes to reflect upon how fast it all went wrong.
Maybe it needs a bit of bulking out?!

Anyway thanks again I really appreciate the feedback.

PS. Yeah, so was the gazelle surprised  Interviewees last ditch effort to be seen as one of them